11 year old daughter stealing

[Icantfindausername]

Hi all,
I am at my wits end. My daughter has always been quite sneaky and been caught out taking sweets, biscuits etc over the years and when clearing her room I have found wrappers hidden under her bed, she says she sorry and won’t do it again.
Then I found she had taken a top off her friend and also a dummy off my brothers new baby, very strange as to why!
We found it all in her room. When asked why she said because she’s stupid and dumb and I feel that she tries to make us feel sorry for her and gets really upset. This was 6 month ago and I’ve just discovered she is taking money from my purse and buying sweets from the shop. She also took my birthday sweets and ate them all. I wouldn’t mind we have lots of sweets in from Halloween!
I am so angry that she’s stealing, last time we punished her by making her give the items back and also doing jobs to make the money back. I had a serious conversation with her about how serious it was and how disappointed I felt etc. She promised she wouldn’t do it again. And she has. I am so angry but I’ve tried to stay calm and talk to her, explaining that it’s stealing and we all want things but can’t just take things that don’t belong to us. She said she knows but she just gets tempted. Please help I feel like I am failing as a parent and I don’t know where I have gone wrong. Thank you xx

I’d strongly advise against humiliating her for what she’s done, but there do need to be consequences eg confiscating her phone. But gently enquiring and giving her the benefit of the doubt - ‘my love I’m a bit confused - I found x in your room and I’m not sure where it’s come from, could you tell me?’. Then go from there. Treat her as though you’re worried about this behaviour because you think she’s unhappy, not angry because it’s naughty and she’s done it again.

WhatsApp is where bullying takes place. Instagram is terrible for being fake and superficial. If possible I’d strongly advise her not having access to these, but the ship may have sailed on that.

Are you sure she’s not being asked or pressured to steal by ‘friends’?

Does her school have a counsellor or pastoral support? Have you spoken to her teacher recently about how she is in school? Might be an idea if not. Tell her teacher you’re worried about her.

If she’s feeling a bit inferior to her brother I’m not sure asking her to help him with homework will improve things, unless you can frame it as ‘tutoring because you’re so brilliant and we’re so very proud of you’ and with some kind of reward attached - a seeing the ballet at Xmas with Mum? Special outing with Dad? The other parent can do something with DS as reward for working so hard on his maths.

It sounds really difficult, and I can sympathise, my almost 13 year old DD also takes chocolate, sugar etc.

Sounds like it's become habitual for her? Also it sounds like perhaps she has come to believe that that's just who she is?

With my DD it has helped to not get very upset and avoid punishing, but have consequences. A favourite is no electronics. I know some will say that that is also punishing, but I think there is such a difference to being made to do things like extra chores etc. Also I have worked hard on just having a chat to her about it rather than making it a big deal. They are more sensitive than we think, and with some children a very harsh voice and severe punishments can seem to make the problem worse, in the sense that there is too much focus. What you focus on, you get more off. It's such a balance act, but long term I think it works. When I was a child, I also took sweets etc. and my parents either didn't notice or just saw it as a normal part of growing up and I was never told of or punished. And guess what, I soon forgot about it and didn't repeat it. Because there was no focus on it.

Also, I choose to say "take" things rather than steal. The language you use also has a huge impact. It you steal, you are a thief. And if you think of yourself as a thief, then you are one.

I truly believe that this kind of thing is very psychological.

Also op I would suggest if this is stealing again, or you discover things aren’t great at school either, that you go to see your GP and talking about options for support for your dd. Camhs might be helpful, or some other support services they can access for you/your dd.

That’s a really good idea red flower I’m definitely going to put it over to her that way and see what she says.
I don’t know whether it will bother her more if we take her off Instagram now I just wish we didn’t let her on it to be honest.
I was thinking about going into school and speaking to them so I think I might do that.
I’ve always done the best I could for her. She’s been given so much lovely holidays, time together, cinema parties each year I just don’t know where we have gone wrong and why she has such low self esteem I just hope we can put it right and quickly xx

Oh hun you haven’t gone wrong - this age is so much harder than the days where kids weren’t online, I think all parents find it hard to navigate! Sadly children these days, girls particularly but boys too, have so much pressure on them to look a certain way (usually thin, usually long straight hair, usually makeup, role models who are actual models) and other kids can be so cruel, especially if you’re shy or seem a bit different.

It’s easy at that age to take knocks hard and to heart, but it sounds like your dd has a loving family and you know what you’re going to do to build her up again.

It says so much for your good parenting that you want to try to figure it out with your dd and are worried. Definitely don’t beat yourself up. You are doing a brilliant job.

If it’s useful, the more confident and calm you are in your parenting of dd and ds the better they will respond. So it is good for everyone for you to give yourself pats on the back and keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself too. Big hugs.

Some thoughts re: Instagram.

You could a family chat (DH and DS too) about the internet and apps and how they don’t show real life and put a lot of pressure on young people to be things they are not, and you’ve heard that kids can be really nasty on there, and you want to brainstorm how DD and DS might handle any negativity on there or pressure they feel.

Some prompts if they’re a bit silent could be ‘when someone says something unkind to me, I ask myself what I would say to a friend if they were in my position and then say that to myself. What kind of thing would you say to a friend if a bully said something unkind to them?’ or ‘Dad and I think it’s important to value other people because of their good qualities rather than their looks, or the things they own. For example, Aunty Laura/cousin Frank/granny is so kind and is a brilliant baker/volunteers with the homeless/always makes time to listen when I need a chat, and I really appreciate that. Can you think of some of the things that make you special, or reasons why you like your friends/brother/dance teacher like that?’

If you want to get rid of Instagram altogether then I would suggest you do that as a family - so no one has it anymore - because you’d like to spend more time together without technology/get into proper photography and have bought a nice camera so you can all learn/think it’s unhealthy to focus so much on how you look rather than who you are, and then tell the family that you’re all going off Instagram but to please email pics/send them in WhatsApp to you or DH and you’ll share them with the kids.

Obvs feel free to ignore all that. You have to pick your battles.

@redflower85 thank you so much for all your time, support and help. I really appreciate it. I am going to sit and speak to my husband about it all tonight and see what we are going to do. You have given us plenty of great ideas.
Did you manage to overcome your eating disorder? My old neighbour is anorexic and extremely poorly at the moment it is so sad.
Thanks again xx

I did! I’m much better now. Thank you for asking. It stopped being acute (dangerous to my physical health, I guess) by the time I was about 19 and then took a further 10 years to get fully better, but I’m 30 now and have learned other ways of dealing with difficult feelings (thanks to therapy). There’s very little support on the NHS if you’re not acute, but luckily I’m in a position to pay for help.

I really hope your daughter starts feeling better soon, and it sounds like you have a great family environment to support that. Good luck! Do come back to the thread and let us know how you get on

Have you thought about getting her a therapist?
After spending a few years in America I've really seen the benefits and it's totally socially acceptable over there. They're not just for depression or mental health, but as there sounds more to this, even if it's just for attention. I saw a therapist when I went to uni, and I honestly believe everyone should have one regardless. Just get her a couple of sessions and see if it helps her. They're not as expensive as we're lead to believe and you've got nothing to loose.

I did this at her age.

It's hard to explain why. I was a very square kid in every other way. Academically brilliant, socially awkward. The type of kid parents love but that gets picked on in the playground. I think i was bored and lonely and got hooked on the buzz.

When I got caught it was devastating for my mum (getting a phone call from a shop security guard) and I feel guilty about it to this day.

Point of sharing this is that I turned out totally fine. Eventually found my feet socially (whilst still to this day being fundamentally quite square). Went to Cambridge. Now have a serious career in a field where ethics and personal integrity are very important.

@redflower85 I’m so glad you got sorted. You have been a massive help on this thread and I appreciate the support, I felt so down about things this morning and you have helped me more than you know. I will let you know how we get on! 😘😘

@Lackingimagination6 thank you, it’s good to know you turned out ok and didn’t get on the wrong path. How did your parents deal with it? Any tips? Do you talk about it now or not since, is it just in your memory? What stopped you from doing it and how long did it last xx

@Raven11 thanks I am going to see how the next few weeks pan out and if I still think she needs help I will definitely look into it! xx

When I was a child I used to steal food all the time, I did it way into my late teens and I would literally eat and eat. I was always a really emotional angry child and was so ashamed of my constant need to comfort eat, I didn’t even know what I was trying to comfort I had a great family, wasn’t bullied. However as I got older I found it hard to deal with life in general and used food again as my comfort. When I went to the doctor I was diagnosed with depression and after speaking to him was told over eating was also a form of an eating disorder. Anyways after having my depression treated I completely stopped the binge eating. I think maybe you should look a little deeper into why your daughter is doing it, there could be so many other reasons as to why.

And as for Instagram and so on, me and my friends were just talking the other day how when we were younger we were so glad none of that was about. It just fires so much competition between young girls. Your daughter doesn’t sound like a bad girl, and you sound like a lovely woman. It sounds like she has confidence issues rather than jealousy. Things like stealing makeup and so on, maybe she’s seen her friends have certain things and she feels like she needs those things in order to be accepted.

I reckon you'll get this sorted OP...you sound very lovely.

@thelittlethingz @MrsOverTheRoad many thanks that’s lovely of you to say. Hopefully with support she can get over this and we can go back to being a happy household xx