12 yo dd had extreme reaction to potentially starting periods.

[EarlessToothlessVagabond]

As it happens I think it might be a UTI rather than period. She has never let me talk to her about periods, I bought a book for her in yr6 which she hid, she refused to attend the puberty talk at school. I managed to explain what they were etc when she was around 10 but even then she had a meltdown about it and said she never wanted thrm to start etc. Now tonight she has wiped and seen a bit of pink and absolutely flipped. Hysterical crying, throwing things, asking me to make them stop etc. Then she said she had been struggling to go to the loo and only drips coming out so I reckon it's actually more likely to be an infection. (She has bad habit of not drinking enough fluids and never going to toilet at school.) However this was a wake up call and I need to help her prepare for when they do start. Please no lectures about I should have prepared her more before now - I tried, she just absolutely refused to listen or allow me to give her sruff to read.

@EarlessToothlessVagabond .

Sounds like your daughter has cystitis and needs antibiotics , as the bladder lining is now inflamed enough to bleed. Easily fixed . Effercitrate is better for the pain than pain killers and is easy to take .

As to fearing her period , whoa everybody leaping on dysphoria ,JUST STOP RIGHT THERE.
Most girls freak out to an extent about their periods .
She may just have a phobia about blood or linked to something she may have heard as a small child , and - QUITE APART FROM ANYTHING - kids are highly impressionable , so let's not give her something to cling to as an avoidance technique before everything else has been explored , because even if she is trans* , she will STILL have to deal with menstruation.

Anyway , given that transmen seem to be quite happy to become pregnant , one wonders if gender has anything to do with - AT ALL - rather than a dysphoria linked to gender roles , internalised misogyny , or internalised homophobia .

Take her to your GP , as a start point .

Why do children see their mothers have periods? Why should they? Because it normalises it, teaches them how to cope and becomes an everyday occurrence that they can be open and frank about.
Not sure how women manage to go to loo in public places without their little ones seeing periods or getting changed for swimming. Not necessary full on blood soaked pads (although surely they notice trips to bin) but pads/tampons in handbags.
Have other people's children not made tampon mice or tried to eat wrapped tampons thinking they were sweets.
Encourage privacy? From your own family? Not a concept I really understand, I'm afraid. If they want a locked door fine but we've never encouraged it. Everyone walks in and out of bathrooms quite happily. We don't tend to shut doors even for just a wee. Maybe a little less privacy might result in fewer hang ups. Why do you even need privacy for a wee?

I was like your DD. I was ok at the concept but when it actually happened at 11 I freaked. I was just emotionally too young.

Everyone banging on about it being a part of being a woman didn't help. I didn't have any interest in being a woman - my whole identity was being a little girl! I still played with Barbies!

I actually became increasingly traumatised as it went on. Didn't help that I didn't even have a month to recover - my periods were every two weeks from the get go, and like a massacre as someone said. So it was far too much to deal with.

The worst thing was that my Dad burnt all the rubbish in the house, being very keen to reduce landfills etc. That meant he would empty my bin and see what was inside. The horror! So I ended up hiding the old wrapped up pads underneath my mattress until I could sneak them out of the house and dump them in a public bin on the way to school. But in the meantime my mum discovered them and was so cross. And told me don't be silly, Dad doesn't care. But that wasn't the point, I cared!

Honestly my Mum didn't get it. She hadn't gotten her period till she was practically the last in the class and was desperate to get them. Hers was always light and infrequent. She just had no idea what it was like for me.

I absolutely dread my daughter getting hers but at least I'll have some understanding of how horrific some kids can find it.

Obviously there will be as many reactions to periods as there are girls, but I agree that factual, non-dramatic and open is essential.

I'd also actually go against buying a book. Wow! They need to write a book about this thing? Must be serious! (might be the reaction)

If she is 12, then although this sounds like cystitis (get one of those take-one pills OTC, they are amazing) she's going to have to deal with it very soon.

Dd was 11, and (now 13) I can't actually remember what kind of talk I had beforehand. Think I just showed her the pads and told her what would happen. I think she said "yuck, how gross, have I got to do that as well, ick ick ick"

Obviously I should have considered that made her transgender/suffering from dysphoria.

I teach teen girls and they have the screaming abdabs over the vaccination schedule as well. Any armchair psychologists want to diagnose them? Is the needle a penis symbol?

I've used a mooncup as long as ds has been around so he's never seen towels or pads lying around or me changing them. He wasn't ever interested in coming into the toilet with me.

Elspeth- and that's exactly why you need to be open and factual and non-dramatic with your daughter.

If she is 12, then although this sounds like cystitis (get one of those take-one pills OTC, they are amazing) she's going to have to deal with it very soon

A one off pill for cystitis?

Tbh if she's bleeding it sounds like she needs anti biotics.

Yeah I feel a lot of "must not fuck it up" pressure. I also have the Mirena so they're not gonna see anything in real life.

I also may be menopausal by that stage anyway.

I see all those period parties and period cakes online where the whole family celebrate it but that would have been disastrous for me. I just wanted it minimised and as private as possible.

Yup- it was fantastic, got it in the middle of my students' exams last year, no time to go to GP, went into pharmacy in tears and said "do something".

(am not in UK so may not be available there)

Going to the toilet is a spectator sport in this house, so obviously my DD (3) sees my pads and the blood when I wipe (yeah, super glamorous, I know). She asks, I explain in an age-appropriate way. I may not have any much privacy these days but I would like to think that I'm at least letting her know how bodies work, in particular hers.

Crumbs1, not everyone in the world is as 'no stuff and nonsense' as you obviously are. No we don't parade around in front of one another announcing periods or pissing openly . Some people are just more private. No she doesn't see me 'Not coping' with periods- I've explained to her I have them and sometimes feel a bit yuck but just get on with it generally. Maybe it's just your manner, but your post has pissed me off a bit.

She now has antibiotics.

She might have over reacted a bit because she's feeling rubbish from the uti.

OP if its a fear of having to be all grown up is there anything you guys do together now that you can keep on doing once the start to show nothing else has changed? Does that even make sense Lol. So like a weekly tip to a coffee shop or movie night etc. Even if it has to be a new tradition rather than as eatabliahed one

DD went on a residential in 2016 and when packing had a tantrum when I suggested packing some pads 'just in case' and accused me of spoiling her trip in advance.
Earlier this year for another residential she asked for the 'just in case' pads. She still hasn't started but she semantic to have come to terms with the idea.

I was like this. It soon passed and I stopped been embarrassed. I actually hid my period for 4 months and all my stained underwear I was so against it.

Some kids struggle with the transition, once I turned 15 it was just part of growing up for me and I accepted it.

Instead of talking about her period etc maybe speak about yours a bit more? Gradual exposure is best. So maybe when out shopping chat at the sanitary section, or if you have cramps etc mention it.

If she is possibly asd that explains it. I am and although I haven't had a period for a while anyway (due to my weight) I can't cope with menstruation. If she is really frightened by the idea could you look into contraceptives that would allow her to limit the bleeding?

My DD2 has ASD and reacted in a similar way to your DD to the explanations in advance.

When her first period happened she was in meltdown (an unusual occurence for her) for 24 hours. It was pretty awful but it did end eventually and each month since then she has been more accepting and less upset.

I think the upset is mostly about the lack of control she had over growing up. Transitions are a problem for her anyway and growing up is about the biggest transition I can think of.

Each time the subject of periods comes up will help your DD process the idea and come more to terms with it. Be calm and factual. Don't avoid the subject but also don't make too big a thing about it.

Make sure there is a good book about it around that she can access without you knowing. She might look at it in secret.

Good luck

I kind of get the comment about seeing your mum have periods. I'm pretty relaxed about using the bathroom with my eldest as she was so clingy at one stage. She calls my periods red wee lol and keeps asking when she can have hers which is adorable until it actually happens to her and she changes her mind. I've now told her it isn't actually wee and it's the baby's bed getting changed when there is no baby in my tummy. She is three and doesn't seem phased though.

When I was younger I was very receptive of what periods were etc as both my mum and grandad had explained in detail to me what happens. I still cried when I woke up with my first one absolutely convinced I had pooed from my vagina.

With regards to those of us who have children who have seen us in the bathroom so have witnessed a period, why are those that lock the door so hostile about it? You can be private that's fine but why the shock that some of us aren't as private as you?

Crumbs, I grew up with older sisters and period paraphernalia in full evidence, I was still terrified and in denial about it all.
It's not amateur dramatics at all, the op has already mentioned anxiety issues and possible ASD, this kind of reaction is common to change and something that is so messy and distressing (yes, it is distressing to some!) to deal with, not as a one off, but every month for up to forty years or so!
It's a massive deal to some.

earless, glad crumbs post pissed you off too, as I thought it was just me.

I don't go to the loo in front of my kids.
I did when they were 2/3, although I often shut the door and they were fine, but now I have a ds aged 14, and 2 dds aged 12 and 9.

Is it really appropriate to leave bathroom door wide open when changing pads/tampons, or even having a shit?

We are pretty open, walk to shower naked, kids come in when changing and ask questions, but really my 14 ds wandering last the bathroom and see me change a tampon! Really not appropriate.

I close the door form dh when having a shit, can't think of anything less romantic!

yes they have seen tampons and made tampon mice etc, but bits of white cotton fluff are miles apart from bllod coming out of your own vag.