Desperate for help with bedtime for 12 year old

[Mousybrown]

My 12 year old son is causing us all to be at absolute breaking point.... He is omission in the day but come bed time he starts to be difficult. He has a very long routine whereby he goes to the toilet for ages, has to adjust the blind, straighten bed, turn fan on and off and basically faf about as much as possible then he will start saying 'what can I do if I can't sleep' which he will repeat over and over regardless of the answer o give. I have told him he can read or watch to and I have bought him colouring books to try but he won't do any of these thing. He won't even put his head on the pillow, he will just keep saying what can I do if I can't sleep over and over and this can go in for 1 1/2 hours whist I get more and more fed up. I have tried going to bed earlier and later, treating him, banning him from all electronics, begging and pleading. He has had a blood test that came back normal. I have even started thjing him to a clinical psychologist to see if we can get to the bott M of why he won't just read quietly but gets totally hysterical.( when he does eventually lie down he goes straight to sleep so it's not insomnia) .all my other kids end up in tears and we are begging him just to be quiet but it's like he is possessed saying the same things over and over. I'm so low about it all and actually my hair is falling out from the stress.

[MumiTravels]

No blue light before bed for at least an hour or two. Including TV and phone. Electronics stay downstairs.

A shower immediately before bed and pull back the sheets before the shower and open the window so that the bed is cold before getting in it.

If he can't fall asleep then he stays in his room and reads a magazine or book so as not to disturb everyone else.

Is he anxious about something? Worried about going back to school?

[Mousybrown]

He is currently banned from all screens, has a shower or a Epsom salts bath before bed, I have the window open all day on his room so it's fresh air in there.... That the thing mumitravels he WONT stay in there!! I have bribed/begged/ shouted/ told......that's why I was considering putting a lock on to give him a short sharp shock that it isn't exceptable to disturb everyone else.
He generally falls asleep between 11/12 so it isn't even that late and the problem isn't that he CANT sleep which is the most annoying, it's that he won't and he doesn't want me to either until he decides he's ready.....no stress in life/ bullying or anything

[MumiTravels]

I wouldn't suggest a lock on his door as it may make him more mad and disruptive.

What does he enjoy in the day? What does he do all day? Is he active?

Lock your own door and settle the house down a bit earlier then if he does get up he's got an empty house to get up to.

Get some phenergan from the chemist. It's travel sickness medication but works as night sedation.

[Mousybrown]

I've tried phenagan and various other sleep aids as well as fish oil tablets and magnesium sprays/ lavender/ batch rescue remedy and anything else I can find.
A lock on my door is something worth considering but I'm worried about img is brother and sister who are also upset and getting disrupted

[MumiTravels]

There must be something more going on that he's not telling you. Something to set off his behaviours. Does he say anthing different to Dad?

[corythatwas]

Mousybrown Sat 30-Jul-16 12:03:45

"Antiqueroadho it's not really that he is refusing to go to bed it's more that he is terrified to try ifyswim he has all the routine to go through first and then the panic that he won't sleep. "

Does he know that it is ok to lie sleepless? That nothing dreadful will happen if he goes to bed and doesn't go to sleep for the whole night? That he can still rest just by staying quietly in bed?

The reason I ask is that I used to get terribly wound up about my sleeplessness as a young adult, until one day my mother (who had no idea I was suffering) happened to say by chance "I always do enjoy waking up at night: I lie there thinking I am so comfortable in this lovely bed, all warm and cosy and I don't have to get up for hours"- and suddenly hearing her say that just turned the whole thing on its head. Being awake at night wasn't a failure I had to fix any more: it became a privilege. And once it was not a failure I stopped worrying about it, and once I stopped worrying about it... I found myself falling asleep.

I think your emphasis on sleep, and trying to fix the sleep may unintentionally be feeding his idea that not being able to sleep is a major problem that he has to fix as soon as possible.

[Poocatcherchampion]

Would it be different if you put a mattress in your room?

[lucysnowe]

I agree with cory fwiw - he's got it fixated in his head that he SHOULD sleep, if he can turn it around and focus on how cool it is to stay up, maybe that would help.

If it was me, and I am a pretty lazy parent, I would let him have screens if it soothes the transition. For DD when she moves into her own bedroom I may well get her one of those TVs on a bracket with an inbuilt DVD player, so she can watch suitable things after the watershed.

[Scootergrrrl]

I was about to say exactly the same thing as cory but not so eloquently. Can you try and get it into his head that lying down and resting is as effective as sleeping, at least in the short term? I had a child who would panic about getting to sleep but was fine when told to lie down and rest and would drop off reasonably soon. Once you start panicking about not sleeping, it's never going to happen. Have you considered melatonin too?

[donajimena]

We had similar issues. Not as extreme but clanging and banging and the emergence of my 12 year old in my room to claim he couldn't sleep.
There were other issues to ADHD, anxiety possibly ASD we don't know yet.
CAMHS have prescribed melatonin. Its been an absolute godsend. We don't use it on weekends or school holidays but on school days. An hour before bedtime which is 10pm. He's asleep by 10
In the school holidays I say he can stay up as long as he likes (no wifi after 11) it takes away the pressure to sleep. He's asleep by midnight.

[JustDanceAddict]

Sounds like anxiety to me. My son also suffers although usually goes to bed ok (same age as yours), he has other anxieties that make life more difficult. He was seen by Camhs in year 5 and also had some hypnotherapy in year 6 (privately). you can start with GP if they can refer and go from there. If you can afford some private sessions than all the better. Anxiety is a real bugger - it can be managed but not totally eradicated.