Lies and deceit from 12yr old DS - what to do?

[Dotty342kids]

I have a 12yr old DS. Essentially a really good kid with sensible morals. However, he really struggles to resist temptation of any sort and then of course, knowing that whatever he did was wrong, attempts to cover it up (badly!).
Ongoing examples are:
During the last year when he has money on his school canteen account for a hot lunch - he often buys the exact things I tell him (every week!) not to eg. bacon rolls / squash drinks / cakes rather than an actual hot lunch. Despite repeated conversations about why I want him to actually buy a hot lunch, rather than junky snacks he just can't seem to resist the lure of them.
His friends often watch films which myself and DH feel are very unsuitable for their age. Ted being a prime example - and one that we've been explicitly clear about him not being allowed to watch. Checked tablet the other day, and he'd clearly been watching it.
He's recently been given his dad's old ipod just for music, as he'd lost his own mp3 player a while back. He's installed various apps for FB, his emails etc on there without discussing with us first (we'd have said no as he has these on his tablet and the ipod was agreed as solely being for music).
In the last week we went to get something out of his tennis bag and found a pocket stuffed with sweet wrappers / empty crisp bags - again showing that he's secretly buying this stuff, knowing he shouldn't be.
Went to bed the other night, with all tablets etc downstairs as normal. In the morning his wasn't there. When I woke him up he confessed that he'd woken in the night and couldn't get back to sleep and went and got it so that he could "read". There are books on his bedside table! Again, doing something he knows he's not allowed to.

When challenged about any of these behaviours he just shuts down and says he doesn't know either why he does them! I know they're not major in themselves, but I worry about the behaviour itself - the doing of things he knows he shouldn't and the attempts to cover it up - as much as anything else.
DH and I have decided to enforce a complete gadget ban next week, once he's back from the grandparents, as punishment for the behaviour. And we're going to insist of having passwords for his instagram and FB accts (only agreed to him having FB 2 weeks ago as we felt he was pretty trustworthy online!) so that we can check them regularly.

Any other tips or advice though, really would be welcome as I'm really worrying about the trouble he might find himself in when more risky temptations come his way in the coming years.

I wouldn't worry too much about the snacky lunch once a week.Have a chat, tell him it's his 'treat day' and that he can buy what he wants and watch the lure lose its allure

I, too, am a draconian parent-who had a 12yr old that sounds practically identical to yours! My now nearly 16 year old has only just had facebook. I set up then account, the default 'emergency' e-mail address is mine and I have the password.

We had the over-aged films chat a while ago-not so much films as inappropriate games for his xbox. We are quite open and blunt about why it's a 'no'.
They're not suitable. End of.
Having asked to play GTA my DH said sarcastically "Tell you what, pop upstairs and check on our dvd shelf for an 18 horror film-Children of the corn's a good one- and on your way back grab yourself a beer and a ciggie out the kitchen" One stunned teenie. Who got the message without the need for the lecture-and now even enforces his siblings because he understands the reasoning.

The lying thing is his age, in my opinion-that and the fact he knows he'll be in hot water for his sweetie stash. Take it on board and supply less at home (we did) but make it clear that "I don't know" and lying are not acceptable.

We also had a chat about how he was going to want to go out further afield with his mates etc over the coming years and that how he acted now would effect how we treated him then. if we could genuinely trust him then he would be afforded more freedom than if he played silly wotsits.

It's very clear in our house that electrical gadgetry is a privilege to be earnt not a right to be exercised.

It's a welfare issue in our house. We're in charge, they're not and it's well fair

Thanks everyone. Advice heeded and taken on board (well, by me at least - bit more of an issue with my overly strict DH!)

at this age it's very much a battle between giving them independence and still wanting to control what they do with it.

They're not babies any more who you can take to the shops to buy sweets and crisps, you're giving them money of their own but still trying to control how they spend it - you just can't.

At this age you need to give them a level of freedom while at the same time giving them the upbringing to know right from wrong. It can be a delicate balance, because they do still need boundaries but at the same time they also need freedom.

Buying sweets and crisps is what kids do. There's most likely a shop close to your ds' school - I know my ds goes to the co-op with his mates (and another thousand or so secondary age kids) after school and they buy all manner of crap. And truth be told, if one doesn't have money then they sub each other, so even not giving him money doesn't hold the answers and will just make him feel excluded anyway.

he goes to the school canteen and now has the freedom to decide what to eat. All the other kids have the same, and they will exercise that choice. Just make sure there is healthy stuff at home.

The no tablets at bedtime is one which is more important, and punishments in the face of deliberate defiance are perfectly reasonable.

But if you've allowed him to have social media then the key to knowing he is using it responsibly is for you to have the password, not to restrict which devices he puts it on.

If you are this strict about what he eats etc then he no doubt lies to guard against an overreaction on your part. And they all seem to lie on some level at this age, about the most stupid things. But the rule in my house is that while he might be in trouble for a behaviour, he will be in ten times more trouble for lying about it.

We had an issue with Instagram not long after my ds started secondary. Over the summer he had asked me if he could have it and I'd said no, but he set it up anyway after he started secondary, and then got into some issues with online bullying by some other kids. But because he'd set it up without telling me and I'd explicitly said no he couldn't tell me about the bullying, so when he had a day off sick it resulted in anxiety over going back, and he couldn't tell me why. It was only when my xh looked at his phone (on my insistence) and discovered the instagram app that the penny dropped, and we were able to deal with A, blocking the offending bullies, and B, speaking to the school to deal with the issue, and C, have words about lying and the consequences that can bring.

It is possible to be strict without being overreactive iyswim, and at this age there does need to be boundaries still, and as a PP said, they need to learn at this age that if you don't trust them they won't earn future trust on the bigger stuff. but as parents you also need to learn what the levels are of freedoms which are reasonable and unreasonable at this point, and restricting sweets when out with mates is one of those things which can't be enforced when the child is given the freedom and the money to obtain these things for themselves.