What to do when best friend is "perfect"?

[MaisyMoo123]

Hello - just after some different perspectives on as little challenge we are facing -hoping this is the right place for it.

My 9yo dd is having a bit of a crisis of confidence. She's generally doing fine but she has a 'best' friend who excels at absolutely everything and this is really starting to get dd down.

They have been friends for 4 years and there has always been this dynamic in their relationship and although we've had odd moments of it in the past, it's only in the past few months that dd has started really taking it to heart and that I can see it affecting her self esteem. She says that she feels like it doesn't matter how hard she tries or how well she does, she will never be as good as her friend. This is across the board too - including out of school activities that they both do. Whatever they do, dd feels second best.

Her friend is obviously very bright and very capable, but dd is a clever little thing too and I'm worried that her constant comparison is just going to make her feel inadequate every time. She works really hard but gets nothing like the recognition at school that her friend gets (can't remember the last time she got a certificate or similar where as friend gets them once or twice a week). She is generally pretty disheartened down in the dumps about it all and I'm worried about her :(

Obviously we encourage all we can, tell not to compare - that it's her own achievements that count - and try to reassure her that we're proud of her and know that she's trying her best, but I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or tactics on this sort of thing that might help? I'd hate for this to result in her feeling like she's just not good enough.

Thanks for listening!

Thanks Rose - I have thought the same. Failing is an important life lesson, as is being happy and celebrating the success of others - both of which dd has the upper hand on in terms of experience over bf.

We've not put it to dd in quite these terms but we have said that bf might come across sonething that doesn't come quite as easily to her one day and that that will come as a bit of a shock.

I agree with Roseforme, my son had the realisation in middle childhood that he wasn't particularly good at anything. There were tears every once in a while. It was heartbreaking.

Now he's sitting exams with some confidence, having learned he has to work at it! He's a nice, confident young guy with strong friendships. He stays active although he's not really sporty. It's worked out fine.

I didn't intend to upset you, I just see your dd caught up in something that is on a much wider scale. Competition was supposed to be character building and good to test one's mettle. It was supposed to inspire team spirit, good sportsmanship and encourage children to do their best. Somewhere along the line the parents turned into something ugly and egotistical. It is not just your dd ~ I am sure it affects so many children. Go to any rugby or football match the language is staggering.
I don't think your teacher will think you at all precious if you speak to her about this, ask for her help in dealing with it. After all it is her job to ensure all of her students thrive and get the most out of school. Possibly she has noticed it too, and will put your mind at rest with a solution. Outside of school limiting bf and doing things independently is really advisable too.

You didn't upset me Heartofgold - what you wrote just really resonated with me and it was really beautifully written!

I completely agree with what you say about competition. I do think there is a place for healthy competition in life, but the way it infiltrates everything - and every aspect of a child's psyche is not helpful. I don't know if it's something we've done in dd's case (certainly unintentional if this is the case) or just society in general, but we find ourselves in a position where we really need to tackle it head on as I can see it having lasting negative impacts on her self esteem if we're not careful.

I would like to think that the teacher would be supportive but I'm actually feeling pretty cross about the disproportionate praise being given to one child and the detrimental effect it's having on others - I'm worried I'll get emotional!

I think I could have written this OP. My DD has a lovely best friend who is a superstar both in and out of school. This became quite an issue for my DD at about the same age. It was even more exaggerated at school this year by talk of levels and extra attention being lavished on higher achievers in the form of treats and extra coaching for those taking level 6 SATS.
I raised the issue with DDs teacher who made a valid point by saying that those who are high achievers in primary often find it difficult in secondary as they don't always get the same attention, there's more competition and they are less resilient in terms of failure. I hadn't considered that this was in fact a hard but important life lesson for DD as even her superstar friend will encounter someone brighter than her at some point and won't always be a winner.
I have encouraged her to do more things apart from her friend. Art is something she is good at and enjoys at home without competition or comparison with anyone else. I have also reminded her that despite her friend being perfect she probably also worries about being good enough and is under extra pressure to keep this up. She is also a good and kind friend and they are lucky to have such a good friendship.

Funnyossity that's so good to hear. My ds is 10, loves all sport but is not great at any of them. He's ok academically but not outstanding. So it's lovely to hear that it turns out ok.

Well - since last posting, things haven't improved much! Dd had a certificate from school but completely dismissed the achievement because bf also got one. Since then fb has had abouut 6 more and has also been picked to do a couple of 'special' things/activities - It is properly getting dd down. As I've said before, she's obviously very bright and talented but surely efforts and achievements of all should be recognised in equal measure - especially at this age? Meanwhile there have been a few occasions when dd has come home upset because bf has been a bit unkind to her. She has started playing with other friends more which is probably her subconsciously distancing herself a bit - and I'm thinking this might not be a bad thing. I think dd is probably being a bit over sensitive and whilst not being dismissive we are not making a big deal of it. I guess some children just need more praise and reassurance than others and have more of a natural tendency to compare - dd is definitely one of those. Still haven't spoken to teacher but increasingly feel like I might have to when it's having such a bad affect on dd's self esteem. Not sure how I do that without it seeming like a personal moan about bf though!?

Can you encourage friendship with other girls? Sometimes the chemistry with certain people/friends is negative, you feel like it is a constant competition when in similar circumstances with another friend you would feel different. I have a friend like this myself (as an adult) and she takes out the worse in me, I feel we are always competing about who's child is better, who's life is better and so on. Funny enough I have another friend with similar circumstances as the first one and I am genuinely happy for all her achievements.

DD (8 yo) has also a friend that was in fact always showing off her higher achievement at everything even though they don't go to the same school or any activities together but they do do similar activities (different teachers). Of course dd's friend was always better, always ahead even though it is arguable. (imagine "I am a free reader" "so am I" "yes but have you got a pen licence?!") and so on, I think this is such a bad attitude to have and such a negative relationship that without telling my dd I encouraged her to form other healthier friendships.

I would tell the teacher that dd feels down due to other kid's achievements being celebrated more than hers. I wouldn't name the other child.

I once mentioned this sort of thing to the head of DD's school and he replied that it was just as important to be generous and a good friend and have a cheery outlook in life.

Because in 20 years time a certificate means nothing, but those other qualities get you through life.

Also remember that many many people are very very good at only putting themselves in situations where they shine and avoid any situation they can't do well in, no one is good at everything. At the moment, the things they do, this girl maybe has an advantage (if you value the skills and abilities she is demonstrating) but maybe there will be a situation where your DD excels?

DD joined St John Ambulance for this reason and she also does out of school stuff not with her school friends - this gives her a more rounded and broader view of life and abilities that you may need.

Excelling academically is a limited ability, (and I say this as someone who excelled academically) - actually, it's only useful in a very limited set of circumstances.
Schools also do over-emphasize early achievement, very few children sustain this, things could change massively in the next 5 years.

While I also agree that is good to learn how to lose, or not be the best at a certain activity, I also think that it can't be good to always be at the receiving end.

I think some people, kids and adults alike have this capacity and ability to completely lack modestly. Because while a child needs to learn how to lose, they also need to learn how to be modest.

With adults is more difficult because I believe is their lack of confidence and they need constant reassurance that they are the best.

But as an adult you can easily see this and give them the reassurance if that keeps them happy. As a child it must be very disheartening to have your friend showing off how great they are every moment of the day.

That's exactly it Fleirdelise. Yes, it's good for children to learn that they can't be the best at everything, but seeing bf's successes praised so frequently is hugely disheartening for dd right now. I would actually say it's reached the point where it's demoralising. Plus, for bf, the constant success and neve-ending praise is far from teaching her that she can't be the best at everything! In fact she more than likely thinks she is!

We are encouraging other friendships and as I sid before dd has been playing with bf less - I think this has largely happened because bf was being so dismissive of dd generally and picking other friends over her all the time - again, not great for her self esteem.

I'm not sure what the teacher would have to say about it. I think it would be hard to talk to her about it without it being obviously about bf.

Ah modesty Fleurdise, something I think should be taught in schools. I never remember other kids being boastful if their reading level or spelling tests when I was growing up. It was certainly frowned upon to be big headed. There's a boy in DD2s class could do with a lesson in this. He is constantly bragging about how amazing he is.

I think it is best for girls to have a little circle of friends, as well as having bfs. So I'd work on helping some other friendships along.

And if bf isn't being kind to her, a little distance is a good idea.

My DD used to go to school with a "perfect" child and my DD felt a bit disheartened - I always said be pleased for her successes because one day in life this child will come across something she can't do and it will probably be end of world!!! Life is not "perfect" and everyone will struggle with something at some point. Nobody can be good at everything all the time!

I do think some schools reward the high achievers too much and overlook the average or under achievers. However as other said, she needs to realise that she does not need a certificate or award to know she is doing well. Perhaps a weekly treat just to boost her up a bit might help? I used to do this although not now she is older lol x

Maybe you could find an extra-curricular activity that best friend doesn't do? Like a local drama group, or even a different sport. That way your DD can meet some other friends and hopefully boost her self esteem a bit that way. I'm not suggesting distance between them, simply that it seems like your DD needs something that 'belongs' just to her, so that when she succeeds she knows she won't be compared to best friend.

This post could have been written about a little girl in my class. She's crazily academic, brilliant at sport, is great at drama, singing and acting, is a natural leader, good and art and, to top it all off, a really nice child. It's so unfair that some children really do seem to have it all. HOWEVER, she doesn't have everything come naturally - what she can't cope with is criticism and failure. While she seems confident I have picked her off the playing field in floods of tears several times and the issue always boils down to 'someone said that I was being bossy but I didn't mean to and now everyone will hate me FOREVER' or 'I didn't know how to play the game and I got all mixed up and I don't know what to doooooo'. Very dramatic.

Maybe, by being a great and talented little kid but not quite so over the top amazing as her friend, your DD will turn out to be the more balanced and happy child. Especially with such a wonderful support as you seem to be.

I totally understand her feelings though. I had similar as a child but it was my sister who was the amazing one. She was more intelligent, prettier, more popular, more confident, more sporty and more musical than I was. The only thing I had over her was dance and drama. An occasion where she got the lead over me in a youth theatre production even though I had the far harder character acting role of the villain and a time where she got a higher mark in a dance exam will stay with me forever. I was GUTTED!