ds 12, struggling with life

[TeaMilkNoSugar]

My ds is really struggling emotionally at the moment. last night I picked him up from his friends, he'd had great time there but seemed down, I asked him what was wrong and he just burst into tears, and said he has to many thoughts in his head , and it was a mess. He went on to say he worries about everything. Feels so sad at certain times and he gets dark thoughts that upset him, like things he's read in books seen on TV things at school. He hates conflict and can't bare the thought, Of what people do to each other, bullying huting each other hurting animals etc. He's worried about ww3 starting, or us dieing etc. But what upsets him the most is that he has no control over these thoughts and just wants them to stop. He says even when playing minecraft after killing zombies his mind starts to wonders on to what a horrible thing it is and how there are people who would hurt people like this that in the real world. Once the dark thoughts start he just becomes so sad and worried about it all. He's worried about a friend at school who he thinks might hurt themselves. He's worried about a couple a bullys at school he shares a couple of lessons with.
We talked last night and together tried to come up with ways of Stopping dark thoughts taking over we decided on having a safe book or dvd to watch or read to help to stop the anxiety and distract him when the thoughts start. Also set aside a quiet area like a tent in his room to sit and meditate, (as a few years ago he went on a school trip to a Buddhist temple were they were told about meditation and shown how to. He tried it and liked it, but hasn't done it for a few years.)

I will without him kknowing have a word with him his tutor about the 2 boys who are making life difficult for him in class.
I'm so worried for him. Not sure whether to take him to the doctors or see how he gets on first, now he has spoken to me about it.

Dh told me that apparently when he reached 11/12 he couldn't sleep because of anxiety and his dp gave him 'calms' to make him sleep. it was not on medical advice.

Most of the time ds is kind of happy go lucky person.

Am going to follow this thread, as i have a very similar situation with my DS (11). Out of character crying, sudden angry outbursts etc. I have been to the GP, who has referred, in the first instance, to the school nurse. However, I don't hold out much hope, as the school nurses is desperately over-worked, and although my son 'postures' with a knife, he hasn't actually harmed himself yet. My cynical mind thinks that he will be very low priority until he does actually carry out a self-harm act.

I read with interest a pp's experience of a private child psychologist, as I think that that's the route I'm probably going to take.

Sorry to hear your DS is going through this. DS1 (10) has always had anxiety issues and panic attacks, which towards the end of last year were really interfering with his sleep. He would get himself all worked up about something, so he was too stressed to fall asleep (and then he would start watching the clock and fretting about being tired in the morning, etc.). We are on the waiting list for an AS assessment and a CAMHS referral, but in the meantime something we've found really works for him at bedtime, specifically, is setting up an oil burner with lavender essential oil. We put it on for about an hour before lights out when he's just reading in his room, and it does really seem to calm him (and makes the whole of the top floor of the house smell lovely!) - we haven't had any insomnia/panic issues at bedtime since we started using it. We also got him one of those roll-on oil things that he rubs on the insides of his wrists if we forget to light the burner. It doesn't solve the underlying issues, but I do think it helps him to feel more 'in control' of the situation. It has made a difference, anyway, so just mentioning in case you think it might be worth a try.

I am so relieved to have found this thread. I have been thinking about writing a similar OP for weeks and so much on here resonates.

My Ds is 10 and has always been sensitive and cautious but happy and optimistic. A real school lover with lots of friends, very active, went on loads of sleepovers, cub camps without blinking. There were really no struggles for him at all, which was a real surprise for us as he was such a serious,grown up little toddler.

Also exhibited startling emotional intelligence at a very early age, always the mediator at school, very concerned everyone is happy, very worried by other childrens 'naughty' behavior when he started school.

Since before Christmas it is like he has woken up to the world. Suddenly started having panic attacks, sleep was so disrupted that he has slept with us for the last two months and panics if he wakes and we are not in the room. It started when he realized what death really means and started to become aware of what was happening in the world. The situation in Syria was the biggest trigger, someone at school told him about terrorist acts and that was that. Its now morphed into fear about absolutely everything, from fear that war is coming, to fear that a dirty mark on a glass is poison.

Generally he is managing to carry on his normal life but with fear as the constant background. He doesn't want to go to school at all but with the teacher's help intercepting us, he's managed to go every day. We have our first CAMHS appointment next week.

I am so worried for him and worried for us as a family. Our whole family life has been taken over really, his younger sisters are very cross he sleeps in our room (something they all battle to do!) and they are constantly hearing about what a bad world the place is. I don't think I am doing a very good job for him. I reassure him but I do get frustrated sometimes with answering the same questions over and over and over when my explanations are falling on deaf ears and I have ended up snapping. I must appear so brisk and uncaring sometimes but if I sit and let him wallow he would never leave the house. He is battling so hard and I feel like we are failing him.

How do you all deal with it?

Sorry obviously when I say I feel relieved to have found the thread, I mean I have felt so alone, not that I am glad others are struggling.

Even the mention of worrying about Minecraft zombies resonated. Last night DH was saying he felt genuinely very sad when his Minecraft dog died, which then made him think about how bad these things must be when they are real.

My ds (13) has anxieties which take over his mind at night, bedtime is nothing short of a nightmare for both him and us, he refuses to get in to bed as his thoughts will overwhelm him. Consequently, bedtime routines are bordering on OCD.

We went to the GP about 3 weeks ago and at the weekend we got notification of his appointment with the child mental health clinic at the local hospital. Even knowing he's got the appointment and knowing help is in sight has helped a little, he's calmer. I know it may be a long road ahead but it's great just knowing others suffer the same and there's help out there.

Good luck x

just wanted to say sorry you and ds are having a difficult time. There is a childrens mental health thread on here, which i wasn't aware of until recently, should you need it.
my dd is unwell, 13, and from reading on there it is so complex.

If he is responsive to meditation, and interested in self awareness etc, then i think it could be a real help to him. I am starting to realise how overwhelmed young teens are, and how we can all look out for signs.

x

I feel for you as it is really hard, when you are trying to help and don't know what to do for best. My DS had a real crisis a couple of years ago, but with the help of CAMHS, some antidepressant medication and a really good CBT therapist has made it out the other side.

One thing I did do with him was work through a book of exercises to help him manage his anxiety. It is called Think Good - Feel Good: A Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Workbook for Children and Young People by Paul Stallard. Its on Amazon, and it really helped him unravel his thinking patterns and try to establish some alternatives.

For mindfulness meditation you could try Headspace.com. 10 minutes a day - or you could do it morning or night. It is a subscription service, but I think there is a free trial. I used it, as navigating the maze of CAMHS, was a struggle for both of us and it helped me find my inner calm and regroup when I needed to.

My only other learning was don't rule out medication, for seriously unwell teens as it can help get them to a place where they can access the therapy they need to get well.

I wish I had some words of wisdom muggle. Am watching this thread because I could do with some advice myself. Answering the same questions over and over again is so draining and frustrating, especially when the rational explanations and reassurances don't seem to make the slightest bit of difference, and I'm afraid I have snapped and shouted too. Then I hate myself and we are both miserable!

FWIW we got a copy of this book on the recommendation of our school's Ed Psych:
What To Do When You Worry Too Much
DS1 read through it and picked the things he thought would help. One was to allocate a 'talking time' (I think they call it 'Worry Time' in the book) e.g. when the other two DCs were in the bath, so he knew we'd have some one-to-one time to talk about whatever was bothering him. If he obsessed about stuff during the day I could just remind him to write it on the list for talking time (sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't). The book recommends visualising a strong, lockable box as a place to store worries until it's time to deal with them. There are breathing exercises, lots of visualisations… Amazon blurb says it's aimed at 6-12 year olds; I would say probably the younger end of that spectrum but still worth a look - they might be able to get hold of it at your local library.

now you mentioned it could be a one of his friends died a couple of years ago

Could be a VERY big trigger event, even if you sensitive DS doesn't consciously acknowledge it as such.

Bad, bad things can lurk in the minds of even the gentlest teenage boy, best to get as much support for him [and yourselves as parents] from school and GP if you can.

Speaking from experience, long-term problems might manifest themselves, otherwise

He seems very open with you and your OH, and that is good place to start

Good luck to you and your DS

Thanks Artful, we do have that book. It was an enormous help at first and helped him feel like he could tackle this when he was completely terrified by his first panics. As the months are going by its a bit too simplistic now, although he still does the relaxation exercises to get to sleep. I'm going to look at meditation though. Need to do some yet more research and might try the lavender suggestion for a calm atmosphere.

I find some of his thought processes so hard. People do die, terrible things do happen, I don't know why we can all live happy or content lives knowing these things.

What I find really hard to deal with is the small stuff, the dirty mark on a glass or a funny coloured baked bean being poison, he read somewhere that poison takes 24 hours to take effect (???) and so we have 24 hours of worrying about it. He does eat and drink just fine though so I'm thinking this is maybe a slightly indulgence for him.

Wow so sorry I've not replied everyone, my I'm on button didn't up date me.

So catching up quickly, I am amazed at how many of us there are looking for help.
I really hope ds and me can make it through safely to the other side, so I could help advise/reassure /support other in the future. As many are here doing so for us.

An up date on ds is through the half-term and after long talks and looking at yoyoungminds website. He has been a lot calmer and feels less like there is something wrong with him. He has been meditating and really making an effort to focus on more positive things. I know this could all change in a heart beat. But for now we are taking one day at a time. The 10 minute chat before bed is great as it's is not enough time to start dwelling. we do talk during the day too. interestingly yesterday evening was the first time he came to me to say it was starting to happen again. We quickly talked about it maybe being because it is school tomorrow. Nothing was standing out to make him feel anxious, I just think the whole back to it today. So we then decided to get out of the house (it was still over an hour before bedtime) we had a car ride out and found a coffee shop, the buzz of life around us and different atmosphere really perked his spirits along with the hot chocolate we came home and he went and found one of his 'safe' books to read in bed. He looked so much happier and in control. I think we might seem few more anxious moments now he is back at school.

I like the oil burner idea too. proberbly cheaper and more regularly do able, then a cafe

When I ds first told me about his worries of ww3 and such, it was the most difficult thing to help with. Yes there are bad people out there no I can't tell you a 100% ww3 won't happen. I said things like somethings are not in our control But it's best to cross those bridges when we come to them. I said it is normal to have a worry about them, but to allow yourself to over think them is what makes you feel bad. That's when we started to talk about distraction of meditating, watching /reading something he knows won't trigger dark thoughts, to not allow these things and thoughts to take over.

I feel for everyone who has posted on here, from a mums point of view, you really do feel helpless.

X posts with a few

Thank you all for your support and I'm glad this thread is being watched and may help others too.

thecat
I agree that the loss of his friend could most definitely be having an unconscious affect on him. Especially with his new friend at school talking about ending it, I think that would be a huge trigger to the loss of 2 years ago. I'm also though very nervous of broaching that subject with him, because he has not mentioned it, and if I brought to the forefront of his mind now given his present state of mind.......I wouldn't know what I was doing or what can of worms I might open. It is however something that I will be seeking advice on.
At the time the school, the friends parents and even an out of school club, all worked very hard to help and support my ds and other children come to terms with the sudden loss and grief. The childs parents even in there own grief were positive and pro-active in helping the children.

I'm also trying to decide whether to find a private counsellor or to go through the doctors, as ds is still a little unsure of the doctor being involved, and I don't want to push my luck with his openness at the moment.

Tea, I was able to see the doctor without DS. First I took him and it was a very mild appointment where the doc told him that it was normal and lots of children and people feel the same way, but there was nothing 'wrong' with him. A week later I went alone (the receptionist made a note that DS wouldn't be there) and we spoke more frankly and the referral to CAMHS was made on the back of that appointment.

However I too am wondering about the private psychologist incase CAMHS turns out to be not so helpful. The problem is I have no idea what we are looking for in a psychologist, or therapist.

muggle
I was planning on looking at CBT as suggested on the youngminds site.
But I am also wondering whether it's worth me asking a psychodynamic therapist if they would be any help aswell.(I think it's mainly adults they deal with) because psychodynamic helps with recognising things that have happened in the past and effect your behaviour now. As with ds and his loss of his friend. I though I might try both and see what they each say.

I may not have explained pyschodynamic very well

I agree that the loss of his friend could most definitely be having an unconscious affect on him... I'm also though very nervous of broaching that subject with him. TeaMilkNoSugar

No, you don't want re-open any wounds, or start opening any new ones, especially not when he seems to be levelling off terms of mood, but its something to keep in mind

Glad to hear he's making a little progress.

He's at a hard time when he's finding out that things he's relied upon can't be, and adults can't shield him from everything. The world appears to be a horrible place at the moment, but we all know that its been far, far worse, and that things can turn around for the better quite suddenly.

FWIW the troubled teenage boy I have experience of is me, And I hope I haven't passed any of the triggers onto my own 9yo DS - I can't hide from him I've been depressed for a very long time - and its something that I spend time watching for signs of in him [SFSG]. I managed to cope, carry on, and achieve things, but not without a skipload of unnecessary stress and medical treatments - if someone had helped me out earlier, I think the problems I had would have been far fewer in number.

mugglewompster the hardest things to deal with are the irrational phobias, that can affect boys as badly as they do girls. I know another mum and dad going through that with a 13yo boy, and I don't know if I could cope with it, as a parent.