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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

DD's ballet teacher wants her to leave

48 replies

Diamond13 · 10/12/2014 09:24

Sorry this is long!

My 11yo has been with a local ballet school since she was 3. We picked this school as it seemed quite relaxed. DD's not a natural dancer but really enjoys ballet. She has recently taken her grade 3 exam. We were under the impression she was taking the exam, but instead was entered for the presentation, we found out 3 days before the exam. My daughter wasn't made aware of this either. We paid for extra exam tuition (equivalent to half a terms fees), which from my understanding makes no difference, as DD cannot fail with a presentation class.

I went to see the teacher who explained that she thought her technique and barre work would let her down, so didn't enter her. I felt this was a totally acceptable explanation and was happy with this.

The teacher went on to say dd was not "physically suited to ballet" and she didn't feel she would progress any further. She asked how DD would feel about this? I explained she would be devastated.

Nothing has been said about this since, until yesterday. DD2 finished her lesson and I asked about class timings for next term. The teacher asked if DD1 would be continuing, I said yes, she wanted to. The teacher made a face and said "Oh, dear, well she can continue but won't be able to take exams." My concern is that the main focus will be (quite rightly) on the girls who are taking exams and DD will be overlooked or hold them back.

What do I do now? The more we try and talk DD1 out of continuing the more she wants to do it. Other local schools aren't quite so relaxed, so I think she will struggle. DD is so upset.

OP posts:

TooHasty · 10/12/2014 10:30

'Required suffering is part of ballet's image isn't it? You have to not eat. You have to endure sore feet. You have to contort your joints. You have to endure. Yuk'

But not at grade 3 surely?
One of my DDs started ballet having never done it before (although she was a competitive gymnast) and passed grade 4 within a year.She really does not have an artistic bone in her body! These grades are for everybody surely not just those who aspire to a career in dancing.Certainly in that dancing school there were some 'big' girls doing grade 8

HollyJollyXmas · 10/12/2014 10:31

I was told at 11 yrs old that I wasnt physically suited to ballet. I was 5'10 and had size eight feet. It was the truth. I was crushed, though.

I cant believe dance teachers are STILL displaying this stupid, poe-faced attitude. Surely there are ballet classes out there for pleasure and exercise not just for aspiring professional dancers? It seems so unfair and demoralising to be told at such a young age that you arent 'suitable' for something you enjoy doing!?

My DD is 6 yrs old and also does ballet, but is tall and chunky like me, so I doubt she will be 'suitable' for a dance career. Who cares, though? I'm getting her involved in other forms of dance (street dance and modern) so that she has dancing options for as long as she wants to do it.

Hope it goes OK for your DD and she can find a way to continue dancing.

dancestomyowntune · 10/12/2014 10:31

The ONLY time our dance school (been running 20+ years) has asked a girl to leave was when she was found to be in the grip of an eating disorder. And even then it was a last resort, and she would be welcome back if she regained her health.

It is a myth that ballet causes eating disorders. A girl with anorexia would never have the strength/bone density/stamina to continue training. Our teachers are very hot on spotting problems and resolving them and promote healthy living lifestyles.

FibonacciSeries · 10/12/2014 10:37

I'm not going to get into the debate of whether ballet causes EDs or there is a correlation or they are totally unrelated, but anorexia sufferers can (and they often do) subject themselves to very punishing physical regimes, even for a long number of years. I know a couple of (sorry!) dancers, a yoga person and a Cirque du Soleil contortionist that suffer from anorexia.

NoLongerJustAShopGirl · 10/12/2014 10:40

So glad my girls chose martial arts ... this thread is so sad - little girls dream of being ballet dancers (well, some - my girls dream of being Jade Jones) - and to see the acceptance that they will be turned away at an early age just seems wrong and sad.

DayLillie · 10/12/2014 10:46

I took three adult ballet classes this winter. I loved it even though I was crap at it grin but man, the clique!!! A core group of women who'd been going to that class forever and didn't take to beginners kindly. The day they started whispering to each other with their hands in front of their mouths as I tripped through my little piece was the day I decided to quit.

I have been taking adult classes for about 15 years. I love it, and am crap too . The only ones I have seen that are 'good' have been the professional dancers that have dropped in, and they would never dream of behaving like this They usually want to share.

PausingFlatly · 10/12/2014 10:49

Would it help to say "ballet's not the right dancing for your body", rather than "your body's not right for ballet"?

Presented with lots of other dancing/activity choices?

Original poster

Diamond13 · 10/12/2014 10:49

Should say, I took physically not suited as that she couldn't turn out/wasn't bendy enough.
Dd already does modern and tap, teacher is happy for her to continue with this.

OP posts:

livvagterne · 10/12/2014 10:51

not physically suited to ballet?!!?!?!?

It's not the bolshoi. Ballet teacher sounds like she's several meters up her own derriere, and very comfortable there

Biut saying that take her out of ballet and let her try archery or something.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 10/12/2014 11:00

livvagterne -

LIZS · 10/12/2014 11:04

A friends' dd was told at about the same age that her knees were not suited to ballet. She is now 16, a beautiful ballet dancer, as well as tap, jazz etc , and regularly dances with the county youth ballet and EYB. Even considered vocational school but is also very academic so chose that path. Maybe she'll never "make it" but she has derived a huge amount of pleasure and developed a great work ethic in the meantime.

op , if you do decide to withdraw from ballet now, find another school for the other classes too, they have treated your dd badly.

homebythesea · 10/12/2014 14:05

Pausing flatly you have it so right- body not right for ballet (in my DD's case wonky hips and so limited turn out. Nothing to do with weight/shape). Sounds like contemporary or jazz might be better- much less rigidity required- or even tap which is what my DD loves more than anything in the world!

MillionairesShortbread · 10/12/2014 14:55

Gosh it sounds like being turned away at 11 for having the "wrong" body is common then. Not really just dancing for pleasure at that age?

bears this in mind as her little ones are just starting.

Dancergirl · 11/12/2014 15:15

I am fuming on your behalf

If this school is 'relaxed' I would hate to see the others.

This teacher has been very unprofessional and rude. Is she RAD registered? If so, I would speak to the RAD and see what their take on it is.

My dd is 13 and has done ballet since the age of 3 at the same school. I just can't imagine in a million years her teacher asking (even tactfully) someone to leave, unless there was a behaviour issue or something.

Some of the girls at dd's ballet school are very good and might go to professional training. Some just do it for fun. And everything in between. They are all shapes and sizes. Some only ever do presentation classes instead of exams, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and as long as they are enjoying it they should carry on.

There are many, many positive benefits of learning ballet. I hate this notion that something isn't worth doing if you're not going to make a career out of it or you're not very good. What a horrible attitude.

If your dd enjoys ballet and wants to continue, that is enough of a reason. Please don't let her stop because of this stupid teacher. Personally I think it's more damaging to her to find an alternative hobby because someone's told her she's not physically right for ballet.

Definitely speak to the RAD. And take a look at the balletco forum.

Dancergirl · 11/12/2014 15:17

5childrenandit totally disagree with your post.

CharlieSierra · 11/12/2014 15:34

Dancergirl totally agree with every word of your post - OP my DD and nieces did ballet (and all the others) from 3-16+ - none of them are ballet dancers, all thoroughly enjoyed it and benefited massively. Your teacher is horrible.

Vvvoom · 14/12/2014 17:39

My dd left the day her teacher told her she should be at the back because of the way she danced. Tbh she'd said a few snipey things at the demonstrations and I wish I'd pulled her out earlier. Dd does tap at a much more fun school now and wants to restart ballet. We still mention her old ballet teacher and how mean she was.

I'd pull your dd out and send her somewhere else. If the teacher doesn't want her she'll be mean until she goes.

FullOfChoc · 17/12/2014 14:42

My DD is 9, she had also done ballet since 3 but with a dance school that doesn't do proper exams (they sort of have certificates - but nothing offical). They do shows and have a fab time.

Could you find a similar school?

fluffling · 20/12/2014 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zaracharlotte · 20/12/2014 12:02

Whilst the teacher was rude, this sounds like a school that is actually trying to create ballerinas, rather than enjoy the dance for the sake of it.

I don't think it is wrong for DD to look elsewhere and find a dance school or club that is better suited to casual dancing.

honeyistoosweet · 20/12/2014 12:13

I adored ballet as a child, started at 2 1/2. Got to 11/12 was told I wasn't 'right.' Well, I WANTED to be right with all my heart, so starved myself to make my body fit. Of course, it didn't work and landed me years and years of anorexia. But I vividly remember the ballet teachers comments about my body so please, please don't let your DD know what the teacher had said!!!!

willowisp · 22/12/2014 18:41

My dd isn't 'physically suited' to ballet either. She's tall, lean & has zero co-ordination.

She's not been doing it long but seems to enjoy it & I can see its really good (well it taxes her brain) for her.

I asked about her doing exams, thinking the extra tuition would help, but they said "well she's never going to be a ballet dancer is she ?" So I took that as a no. She works hard though, they're happy (to take my money!) to have her in the class.

I think it's excellent for posture & whilst she won't be bursting any ballet moves at a disco, I feel the overall benefits - bit of discipline, being in a different social group, a fairly calm environment, are all pluses.

Soveryupset · 26/12/2014 09:10

I must be very lucky then. At my Dd's ballet school everyone does exams no matter what shape and they all get merits and distinctions. Dd has been there since she was 3 and nobody has ever been asked to leave. It is an excellent school with 2 or 3 girls joining the royal ballet every year.

My ds1 was however asked to leave gymnastics, which he loved, as they said he wasn't strong and flexible enough. I think they were a terribly ruthless place and did not want to go near it for my other children. My advice would be find somewhere else.

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