Must have the best phone to fit in at school.

[seventy7]

Just lost my temper after a long protracted discussion - again - about why we can't afford the latest iphone for my 11yr old (yr7). OK, so we have shot ourselves in the foot by getting him to grammar, where, everyone, according to him is rich, rich, rich. However, I suspect that sending him to the local comp won't make much of a difference to his desperate pleas to have what 'everyone' else has. Tried the, 'you're so much more than a phone' approach, the 'we can't afford it approach', the 'look at all the things you do do that other kids don't do', the 'you have a phone and a ipod touch aready' approach, but I couldn't seem to get him to realise that I really really empathised with him - even talking about how I felt when I was his age. I realise this is our fault totally - he is spoilt up to what our budget can afford, but we just can't compete with his new friends, and I don't want to. In the end I lost it and shouted him down. He says that his rich friends aren't snobby, but that he just needs to have the best to feel like he fits in. It feels like he's throwing all our hardword back at us. (it was great to have the 'why don't you get a job too?' thrown at me). I know the second he gets an Iphone, he'll be nagging for all the other stuff he hasn't got. We are not going to give in on this one, I just need to know how to help him cope with his obvious feelings of envy and inadequacy. I would also like to feel less like rubbish too. Please help.

Alonglongway - you make me laugh! How did you know he also asked for an ipad at the same time!?? I know you're right. I must try the whinge to your friends line. That's what friends are for aren't they!

I do get that they need stuff to help them along. Mine both had kindles in y7 and the great thing about that was the school approved. But I suspect it's harder for boys - greater pressure to conform.

I agree with a previous poster that it sounds like a confidence issue. Or maybe there's a cool group he wants to break into and sees the phone as a symbol?

As suggested, if he wants it he needs to save. If money permits you could make it a 50/50 split, or suggest you'll give him money at Christmas towards it.

Some of them of obsessed with their phones, but they don't all have the latest one. My daughter is in a group of four, one has an iphone, one has an older Samsung and my daughter and her friends have ones which are about seven years old. My daughter doesn't want a newer phone (we've offered to buy something) and only uses it to phone me if she's going to be late. At home she facetimes friends on her ipod, can message others on the school website and uses the home phone if she wants to speak to friends, so doesn't need the latest gadget.

My 11 year old DD has just started senior at an independent in Hampstead, which is a very rich area. We got her a new Nokia something with an £11 pm contract. She loves it. She hasn't mentioned what phones the others have, they all have to hand them in first thing anyway. I believe that some of what she calls the "PITAs" have IPhones! She can be a bit of an awkward sod like I was, mind you, and sometimes goes out of her way NOT to have and be the same as everyone else1

I am dreading all this when DD goes to secondary next year. I have already told her that she will be getting a pretty basic phone of little value so I don't have to worry about it getting lost or stolen. I'm sure she will kick up and tell me 'everyone' has an iPhone like 'everyone' is on FB. I would like lots of new things but I just can't have them because I've got to pay bills and buy food. That's life I'm afraid he'd better get used to it.

Let him earn it he will be much more proud and then he gets responsibility and if he is behaving badly then tough I did that to my son he saved up and each month I gave him 15 pounds and at the end its much more valuable for him!

Dd & ds are in Years 6 & 8 of private schools

Dd has a Samsung Galaxy Y
Ds had a £10 Nokia which he lost.

I can see it's really causing him inner anguish

No, what you can see is much more likely to be him trying to play you!

Stop discussing it. Tell him no, and that's it. You've already explained why, there is no more need to discuss it. He's trying to grind you down and make you give in.

I think you're going to have to train him to have realistic expectations and understand that different folks have different priorities about how they spend money. You'd be doing him a favour to stand firm on this. And if he wants to be rude to you, he can lose some of the other privileges he has in life.

It's just a phase, don't feel bad for him. No doubt if it wasn't the phone he needed to fit in, it'd be something else.

Stick to your guns or you will be creating an even bigger problem in the long run. He thinks if he nags, you will give in. Forget inner anguish, he's just inwardly feels very entitled and has absolutely no idea about the value of money.

I have two DS at secondary. Both have cheap phones and only a couple of their friends have iPhones.

Tell your DS he can have an iphone when he can pay for it. And I'm not talking about you paying him to do jobs - more him going out and earning the cash baby sitting, washing neighbours cars, cutting neighbours lawns, doing a paper round or having a Saturday job.

In the mean time id fix him up with some voluntary work which you can do together. Helping at the food bank, helping at a soup kitchen or making a shoe box for some poverty stricken people. Alternatively you could do a fund raiser event (run? Silence?) to raise money for shelter or some other amazing charity. Can you reeducate him a little by watching a documentary about life in other countries.

I'm in my 30s and can't afford to waste money on one. There are plenty of alternatives with the same spec. Apple is all the name.

He might not be totally exaggerating. My DS is in Y7 at a boys' grammar andthe majority in his class have iphones. Two in his class have an iphone 6, another half a dozen + have some sort of 5 and the rest have a 4/4s. Lots of the people he's now friends with went to private primary and the parents were celebrating not paying school fees any more, so bought them iphones. A £400 iphone is nothing compared to the school fees they had been paying!

I think it just shows he is immature. My 3 DCs are in grammar schools (years 9, 11& 13). People there are not rich. Yes, there are lots of iPhones but there is no shame in not having one. DS 1& 2 have motorolas which were about £100 & seem to do
everything a iphone would. DD has a refurbished iphone 4.

He needs to get over it, pronto.

You're the parent, put your foot down. As for the 'you get a job' line, totally over the mark. I would make him volunteer for a charity shop job/ unpaid work experience in a hotel kitchen until he gets the hint that shit isn't free.

He'll apologise for all the shit he put you through one day, honest

He has mighty high expectations! It's such a shame that he believes an iphone to be essential. Essential to me is food, shelter, basic clothes, education, warmth. iPhones and other gadgets are just faddy extras. Has he always been so materialistic?

Another idea is to show him this thread.

I've not RTFT but could you help him sell some of his old stuff via eBay/ boot sale/selling pages to raise money? He must have a room full of stuff that he can look at and make a choice about? That way he's sacrificing things, learning he can't have everything for nothing, IFSWIM? And you're not out of pocket paying him to do chores?

op - I could have written your post last week.

it is ds birthdya next week and all he wants is a good phone. He has a phone, it is old, and he can't play the games on it he wants. And it isn't cool enough.
he also goes to grammar and travels on the train with a small group. One of the group is getting an iphone 5 for Christmas, as his dad is updating to an iphone 6. That family is very rich, and ds wants to use him as the norm, rather than all the other kids.
Neither dh nor I have an iphone, we have generic smartphones, handsets bought second hand on ebay, with cheap talk talk package with our landline.
We had a massive 'discussion' last week, including the 'if only you got a decent job' line etc. He also strops just like you ds, we are also strict, but we still get the teen stuff (and he isn't 12 yet!)

I totally get the need to look ok in front of your friends, but, to be honest his friends are actually not that shallow that they judge only on phones, which he did admit once he had calmed down. Also my niece went off to grammar with an iphone and was surprised to discover that she was the only one.

I don't want him to have an expensive phone because:

1. we can't afford it
2. even if we could, I don't like the idea of an 11 year old walking round with such an expensive item,
3. if he drops it it is a massive disaster
4. he is more likely to get mugged
5. phone is more likely to be stolen

so we sat down and talked about the features he wanted, and which name would be acceptable, and how new it needed to be, to look good, and we have found a compromise, a model which can play everything he wants to play and decent enough and new enough for him to hold his head up on the train. he has a sim card deal through talk talk, he has very very low internet use outside the house, which is a very good thing.
I can't remember what it is, but it costs £100.

For me it was actually quite important not to give in to this tech hype. I have nothing against iphones, but they are massively expensive, and I want him to learn the value of looking at what he really needs and wants, rather than the brand name on the front, and that the appearance of things isn't everything. It is for me about more than just the phone.

Total sympathy OP, it is really hard work.

oh and pp talking about charity - the day he kicked off about the phone, I had just been round to help a lady from our church. Their living situation is dire, family very squashed in small space, she is pregnant and ill, and her dh works for local company who have be cutting hours for the last couple of years so money is tight and unpredictable. I am not sure what christmas will be like at their house.

We have very tight budget and kids are on FSM, but we have a warm comfortable home, they have nice food, occasional treats, loving stable family etc. Trouble is he doesn't see any of that, he will only appreciate that when he is an adult he only sees that we have very little disposable cash each week, so he can't have lots of 'stuff'

I think you have to lay out the expectations ... there will always be someone with more disposable income and you can try and keep up and feel like you are never good enough, never have the 'right' things or just not get involved. It isn't a competition and if people only want to accept you because of what you have they aren't worth caring about. Sometimes you have to choose what is important and having the latest xyz isn't actually that important.

When DD1 first started high school she wanted a supadry bag and hoody...because everyone had them...I hate labels anyway but said if you really want them and you really need them to fit in you can have them - but for that much money instead you could have and listed things....eg that's 15 shopping tips with your friends buying nonsense etc ...she decided that was a better way of spending money.

She had a basic touch screen phone - about 5 yo. She wanted a better phone but she kept losing it (misplacing it really). She was told if she didn't lose it for 6 months she could have a new one for her 13th birthday - but if she lost it for every day it was missing it was delayed a week. If she lost it all together I would get her an identical one as a replacement (did that once before -someone actually gave us one) and it would be at least 6 months before I considered getting her a new one. She lost it a week before her birthday for 2 weeks ...
She was then given a budget of maximum £130 - more than that I'd be an idiot, I might as well flush money down the toilet. She would have little chance of getting an expensive phone back if she lost it...in the end she chose a ZTE one for £80 because it has a similar spec but is slightly smaller than a lot of phones we looked at so will fit in her pocket etc...and she is really happy with it - it does everything she needs...
On the other hand she has just come home with information about a school trip - £500 - she said she really wanted to go but knew it was a lot of money. She is going because it is important to her and a life experience that no-one can take away, can't be lost, worth spending money on...

There will always be some with more cash and some with less.

What about consumerism books in his Christmas stocking? Futuristic book called Feed by Anderson? The gospel according to Larry by tashjian which is modern day? Affluenza by Gaaf?

It just sounds like he is totally sucked in by consumerism. Maybe reeducate him without stating what you are doing.

OP: are you still around?

This thread reanimated after 2 months, and I expect in that interval you either got him a new phone of some sort, or found a way to stop the nagging. Any update?

Very good point Auntie

Ask him to write a letter everyday explaining why he needs it for 1 year and then you'll discuss it. it would be interesting to read and look back on and if you put 0.30p in a jar everytime he gives you a letter you'll be able to get a second hand one