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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

DD (12) with much older boyfriend

41 replies

eliza1960 · 25/08/2014 20:50

I am worried about my youngest DD. She is only just 12 (August baby) and has finished her first year of secondary school. She settled in well and made lots of friends so we had no worries. I found out this week (from my oldest DD who is 22) that youngest DD has a 'boyfriend' who is much older. He goes to the same school and is 15, going into Year 11.

DD2 has told DD1 about this boy, but has made her promise not to tell me as she's worried I would stop her from seeing him. This is the first I've heard of it and I suspect she's been lying about where she's been going. Since she was in Year 5, she's had a wide circle of friends and often spends days at friends' houses or at sleepovers. We never thought anything of it until now but I'm terrified she's been round this boy's house doing things she shouldn't be. We have always trusted her and never felt the need to check. She walks to her friends' houses alone so she could have been anywhere.

It's not normal for a Year 11 boy to be interested in a Year 8 girl, is it? At that age, most boys would view a girl that young as babyish. DD2 doesn't appear particularly grown up either. She's quite petite and slim and looks her age.

DD1 has managed to get into DD2's phone and says that there are lots of messages from this boy in her inbox. Quite intense things about how much she loves him and can't wait to see him again etc. There are photos in her camera folder of herself in underwear but no evidence of sending these to him. I hope she hasn't. DD1 is currently trying to get into her ipad and email account as she is often on this and it's possible we can find out more from that.

At the moment, she doesn't know I know. I haven't told DH yet. I want this boy to leave her alone as the age difference is too big and it's too grown up for her. At that age, he would want more than just a childish relationship. How do I approach this without upsetting her and making it worse?

OP posts:

LadySybilLikesCake · 03/09/2014 21:48

Sorry, but there's a huge difference in maturity between a 14 year old girl and a 12 year old girl. Your average 15 year old boy would run a mile from a 12 year old, was she 11 when they met? This is something that you need some help with. Please do give the NSPCC a call as it needs to be handled in the right way.

AuntieMaggie · 03/09/2014 22:03

I can't believe some of the posts on here that seem to be painting the boy as some sort of sex pest - yes you are right to be a little concerned but just because he's a few years older than her doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him or that he will try to get her to have sex with him!

When I was her age I went out with a friends brother who was 16 had left school and was at college and a few of my friends went out with boys of similar ages. He was the sweetest boy, a virgin and didn't want us to rush into sex unlike a lot of the boys of my own age who were sexual active and treated girls like meat. We went out for about 6 months and looking back on it he was less emotionally mature than me. I finished with him and went out with someone my own age and we ended up having sex at 13 and by the age of 15/16 I was buying outfits in Ann summers! So I would ignore the age gap it's a red herring and focus on the secrecy and pictures (which let's face it when there are pictures of celebs like this in mags and on the internet all the time then teens are bound to be curious)

DH said she's not going out with the boy any more. By telling her this you're potentially going to alienate her and make her more determined to see him.

Why not sit down and calmly talk to her about the secrecy andisks of taking photos and sharing them and have the sex talk with her. And give her the electronic stuff back on the condition that you have access to it.

I would also talk to her about the boy - why does she feel he's the only one who understands her? why does she like him? what have they got in common? and can you meet him? If she can talk to you about him and have him over then at least you can keep an eye on what's going on and any excitement about seeing an older boy without you knowing is gone.

LadySybilLikesCake · 03/09/2014 22:08

Did you miss the bit about DD having pictures of herself wearing her underwear on her phone? It's not quite holding hands and watching a movie with your mum in the room, is it?

Bakeoffcakes · 03/09/2014 22:14

LadySybilLikesCake
"Sorry, but there's a huge difference in maturity between a 14 year old girl and a 12 year old girl. Your average 15 year old boy would run a mile from a 12 year old, was she 11 when they met? This is something that you need some help with. Please do give the NSPCC a call as it needs to be handled in the right way."

I very much agree with this. Please call the NSPCC for advice.
She's only just 12 in fact she's the same age as my niece and the thought of her going out with a 15 year old!

zippey · 03/09/2014 22:41

There is no evidence that she has sent the underwear pics to her boyfriend.

The problem is that you are practically labelling this 15 year old boy when you know nothing about him. She obviously likes him. What about treating them like grown ups and invite him for dinner, or stage a meeting with him and his parents. At least then you will know who you are dealing with.

And would it have been ok if the boy was 14, or 13? Being 15 isn't a million miles away from these ages.

I would just fear that you will push them together the more you try and prise them apart. Id respect her feelings and be open of their relationship.

AuntieMaggie · 03/09/2014 22:41

But is there any evidence that she's taken these photos because this boy has asked her to? It could be that her friends have talked her into it and there is no evidence she's shared them with anyone. She may just be curious about. Taking photos in her underwear is not evidence of anything if they are just that. and I personally think that by making her feel she's done something wrong by taking these pics will just embarrass and upset her.

Bakeoffcakes · 03/09/2014 22:49

"What about treating them like grow up"

I've got 2 DDs, now aged 20 and 23 and at age 12 they wouldn't be treated like grow ups, because they weren't. They're not even teenagers fgs.

And you wouldn't be pushing them together zippey because at 12 you can still tell your children what to do and expect them to do it.

LadySybilLikesCake · 03/09/2014 22:50

There's nothing wrong in seeking advice and those pictures are concerning. Would you think nothing of it if you found them on your 11/12 year old's phone? It may be innocent, it's one hell of a chance to take though.

My son's 15. He'd run a mile.

Rivercam · 03/09/2014 22:56

Difficult situation. I would worry also. However, I think also it would depend on the lad - whether he has a good reptutation or not.

Lally112 · 03/09/2014 23:09

OP I sympathise. I would however urge you to talk to her and engage with her and don't jump to the worst conclusion about the boy either. DH and I have been together since I was 13 and he was 15 but I'm aug and he is Jan so there is a time when technically he is 3 years older also.

Even if you are not keen, be seen to not judge her and she will be more open about the relationship.

zippey · 03/09/2014 23:31

Bakeoffcakes - Its a turn of phrase meaning treat her feelings with respect. She is still young but she is an individual and her feelings will be real to her.

Three years age difference isn't huge, and boys tend to be quite immature at that age. Whats the harm of meeting him?

MummyIsMyFavouriteName · 04/09/2014 10:10

I think you need to do some damage control. Talk to her and explain that tournament angry about her dating this boy, you were just upset that she hassling felt like she could talk to you about it. Don't tell her you know about the photos but talk openly about abuse of trust and celebrity pictures being all over the internet so it's best to be careful what you send to people.

Ask her to tell you about him and how she feels about him and her friends ans school (everything!). If he is 'the only one who understands her' then say you want to understand too. And make sure from now on you have an open policy about everything. Talk openly and honestly about sex, relationships and social media. It might encourage her to be more open if you are.

I hope everything gets worked out. Try not to lose your temper with her, she is probably a little embarrassed too.

MummyIsMyFavouriteName · 04/09/2014 10:13

*you're not not tournament. And I don't know how the word hassling got in there...

CatWitch · 04/09/2014 10:26

You have done the right thing, OP. Your daughter is still a child. A 15 year boy has no business hanging about with a 12 year old girl. Your daughter is at a very vulnerable age. Her feelings may be hurt now but you are protecting her from potential abuse. This young boy may well be a good sort, if that is the case, he will still be a good lad three or four years from now when your daughter is ready to have a relationship.

Hulababy · 04/09/2014 20:29

You've done the right thing.
A 12y should not be dating a 15y in any form.
A 12y is still very much a child no matter how grown up they think they are.

Keen an eye on her, tell her you love and cafe for her but on this matter you and her dad do, I'm afraid, get to veto the relationship.

Hulababy · 04/09/2014 20:30

And yes the 15y may very well be a nice lad with no ulterior motives but it is also very much in his best interests to not be getting into a relationship with a 12y, 3 years his junior.

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