I really don't like my son's school... WWYD?

[Snowrose1311]

Situation: I am a lone parent with 2 DS, a neuro-typical 10 yr old and an 8 yr old with High Functioning Autism. We moved to the UK 3 years ago when I split with hubby and I have no family support / network of friends to help me.

DS1 has been a bit unlucky with his schooling, he's only 10 but has attended 4 different schools already: a pre-school, then a primary, then we moved to UK so another primary, then onto his present prep school.

He had a tough time settling in his prep school, it took him a whole academic year to settle and now he's in his 5th term there. In the first term he was bullied, I complained but the school swept it under the carpet, fortunately the bullying did stop, however I was left feeling pretty offended by the school's way of dealing with the situation. In the 2nd term there was an incident where some older boys accessed hardcore porn in the school in front of DS1, then aged 9, who is a sheltered kid & had never even known that kind of stuff existed, he was horrified. I complained again, and again the school responded poorly, they absolutely would not apologize, initially refused to let me speak to the Head about it, tried to deny it etc. The result being that they did sort their filter out, it hasn't happened again but I was left feeling unhappy.

Since then things have kind of settled down, but I have found it very hard to get past my first bad impressions. I have also become aware that the school doesn't suit our family, the 'culture' of the school isn't a great fit at all. For example, this term there are some compulsory events on Saturdays and Sundays which DS1 must attend, but the school is far away and this will mean me and DS2 will lose our weekends as well. I am paying (what I consider to be) a lot of money for DS1 to attend this school and I don't feel happy with it.

DS1 started complaining quite a bit about the school again this term, esp with the compulsory weekend activities, so I arranged for him to visit another school, it's a nice one & a good alternative. But now my son is saying that although the place we viewed today is fine, he doesn't want to move again... sigh... He doesn't like his present school but doesn't feel as strongly as I do, and for him it's not worth the emotional upheaval of changing schools yet again.

Sorry this is so long but ... WWYD? Should I let DS1 decide? He is a bright 10 yr old after all. Or is he too young to take an important decision like this? Is it fair to DS2 (and me) to have to keep going to DS1's compulsory events in the evenings / on the weekends for the next 8 years?

I'd really appreciate some views, many thanks x

I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Why did you send your son to such a crap school in the first place? And, assuming it was because they had the most amazing PR- why is he still there, now you've seen through the sham?

Hi Curlew,
It's a bit of a long story, I'll try to be brief - when we moved to the UK 3 years ago, we discovered the place we'd settled in had the 3 tier system of education, so although DS1 was happy in his village primary he had to move on at the end of Year 4. The local middle schools are not great so I decided to send him to private school. There are few private preps / secondaries within driving distance, and being new to the area I had no-one to ask. All the other mums at the village primary were simply sending their kids to the feeder middle school, which I didn't want to do. The prep school did an amazing PR job, I also read their ISI report (they are not inspected by Ofsted), which was glowing, but what I didn't know (again prob because I was newly back in the UK) is that ISI reports are not as reliable as Ofsted ones, they can be almost 'rigged' (IMO).

After I had already started sending DS1 to the prep school I came to realise what it was like, and that the ISI report was BS. I had considered boarding as an option to resolve the travel issues and the problem of parental commitment required but decided against this because DS1 needs a lot of extra TLC atm (he has taken his dad's and my marital separation very hard indeed), also if he's being bullied / not happy at school boarding would not be wise - he'd be 'trapped' there, no prospect of getting away from it all & coming home at the end of a difficult day.

After I saw through the sham, why did I keep him there? Because the alternative schools for Year 5s and Year 6s are worse options (IMO), the Ofsted Outstanding secondary I am now considering takes pupils from Year 7 upwards, no younger than that. Secondly, after the bullying / porn blew over I felt I should try to get over it for the sake of DS1, that I should give the school a good go, not overreact. I have given it a good go and am still not happy, I have realised that although the bullying / porn issues are over now, there are ongoing problems with communication, travel & parental commitment required, i.e. the school doesn't actually suit us very well. Which has led to me question whether I really want to keep DS1 where he is.

I should also say that there are lots of good things about this prep school as well, the standard of teaching is amazing, they have fantastic facilities, it's a small school (DS1 & I both like small schools), although he took ages to settle DS1 does now have a couple of friends there and it's a sporty school (DS1 is very sporty). I just think DS1 could get all of those advantages (except the luxury facilities) at the state secondary without all the problems!