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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

How does your 12 yo explain to someone that he doesn't want them as a friend on FB?

42 replies

beachyhead · 28/08/2013 18:27

Boring boring FB question, but we have just allowed our 12 yo ds to have it, as he turns 13 soon, and wanted to contact people over the summer... He has a bit of a being bullied history at school, so I've been very aware of who he has accepted as a friend and who he has rejected...

I know when he returns next week that he will be asked 'why did you say no to my friend request?' by a couple of the lads in the 'it' group who are not very pleasant to him. What's a good response?

He could go the 'well, you and I don't get on' or the 'I'm only having a few people on it'...

What has worked for you? (and yes, I know he is only 12, but..)

OP posts:

IrisWildthyme · 28/08/2013 22:57

exoticfruits you are lucky then not to have had the dilemma that is quite frequent for many FB users - that if you refuse the FB friend request of someone, you can make your real-life interaction with them difficult. The OP is about precisely this dilemma. I'm glad FB didn't exist when I was at school - but if it had done I know exactly which classmates would have expected to be in the friendslist of everyone in the class but would then delight in making snide, catty and hurtful comments on FB, only just short of bullying. They would make those classmates lower down the social pecking order accutely aware that de-friending on FB would be tantamount to a declaration of war, and would bring far worse consequences. I know this happens and the OP is quite right to think about how to avoid it.

Kaluki · 29/08/2013 00:19

Pizzaqueen I don't think SIL knows she is restricted. She has never said anything about it - and she definitely would bitch about mention it if she knew. She's like that!!

exoticfruits · 29/08/2013 07:59

I'm glad it wasn't around when I was a teen. But my comment was supposed to be helpful- I don't hide mine - but can't you hide your list of friends from everyone? If they are hidden you can just plead ignorance and say you haven't noticed it- they can't keep asking if you have seen their request.

exoticfruits · 29/08/2013 08:04

If your list of friends is hidden and your page has strict controls then they can't know how often you are ion there- you can just loftily imply that you have better things to do and haven't noticed them.

ItsDecisionTime · 29/08/2013 10:10

If it's going to cause too many problems, tell him to accept them but put them into a restricted group then set the Privacy settings to exclude them from his posts. They will never know.

PostBellumBugsy · 29/08/2013 10:23

beachyhead - really great that you are helping your DS with this. I'm a great believer in setting up FB with your DCs, while they are still young enough to accept your help with it. It is one of the most used sites by young people, so well worth your DS getting his head around it all.

Yes, it is possible for young people to use FB without being bullied, but there are some really important lessons they need to learn as well:

Make sure you have got your privacy settings set properly.

Never friend anyone you don't know.

Never post anything on FB that you wouldn't want your teacher or future employer to see.

Never slag anyone off on it - however tempting it may be.

Be careful about acting like a tit in public, where your friends could take pics & post them of you.

If there is someone you are not keen on being friends with, it is ok to ignore their requests - if your privacy settings are done properly, then they won't be able to see that you are active.

Never think that private messaging is 100% private - in the same way that an email could be forwarded to anyone, so could a private message. Basic rule, never put something in writing that you wouldn't be prepared to have shared publically.

If you are a girl, don't put a whole load of pics up showing your midriff, pouting and generally trying to look like Rihanna - unless you want everyone to think you are trying way too hard to get a boyfriend!!!!

Probably teaching my grandmother to suck eggs here, but that is some of the stuff I have gone through with my two.

AtiaoftheJulii · 29/08/2013 10:28

Can't he just say "we're not friends"? The idea of friending a bully to placate them makes me very uncomfortable.

Original poster

beachyhead · 29/08/2013 11:45

Thanks Post for your post, that's all great advice. You are right that I'm trying to help him get it right early on, while he will listen..

Also loads of his best friends are outside school, so it's nice that he can sort of bring them together.

His sister who is 16 is helping us through it too, especially the 'don't look like a tit' bit

I think the stock response will have to be, 'I'm just keeping it to close friends for now'... And we will see how it goes.

Perfectly prepared to close it down if it all goes wrong, but I think having a fb account and it working for you, not against you, must be possible.

Thanks again to all...

OP posts:

Original poster

beachyhead · 29/08/2013 11:47

Also Iris, you are right about certain people in the year want everyone to be their friend, then they can play them, mock them and defriend them. That's exactly what we are trying to avoid...

OP posts:

Chopsypie · 29/08/2013 11:52

Can he blame you? And say my mum only lets me have people that she's met?

zipzap · 29/08/2013 13:38

How about 'I'm going for quality not quantity'

exoticfruits · 29/08/2013 17:58

Can someone tell me how it works? I can see that you restrict who sees your posts and so they don't appear on their newsfeeds but if they click on your names would they see anything or would it just be what the public in general sees?

MmeLindor · 29/08/2013 18:09

Great post, PostBellum.

I agree with all of that, and 'I don't use it much, so just keep it to good friends' is a way of putting it that will hopefully not cause trouble.

Exotic
if you set your profile (or individual posts) to private, then only the people you have shared with will see your posts, even if they click on your profile.

I check my privacy settings regularly because FB are good at changing things and not telling anyone. Get into the habit of making sure that it is still private, and be careful what you post - as PostBellum said, even a private message can be screenshot and passed on to a third party.

exoticfruits · 29/08/2013 18:13

Mine are set to friends MmeLindor, and I regularly check to see what people who are not friends see- I am just not sure what happens if you restrict a particular person. I haven't done it because I can't see the point of having them as a friend if they can't read it all- just curious.

MmeLindor · 29/08/2013 18:16

I haven't done it either, cause I only have folk I want on FB, but can understand that it is easier than not accepting a friend request from MIL or SIL

exoticfruits · 29/08/2013 19:01

I think that I will test it and see what happens.

MrsMongoose · 30/08/2013 15:20

I'd have accepted them, then restricted the settings so that unsavoury people can see nothing, and can't post.

I've done this to my mil!

Everybody wins, mils feelings aren't hurt, boys don't ask your son questions, son gets to use fb as he chooses.

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