DD12 has no friends

[blondie1968]

my DD moved to high school in Sept 11 and had 1 girl she clung to as a best friend but that girl always had other friends. They have since fallen out & DD is spending every break time alone. She says she keeps trying but no one wants to be friends with her. She has also been diagnosed with epilepsy (Aug 2011) and not sure if her medication is giving her mild depression. W have started a changeover to another one to see if it helps. She constantly takes herself out of class to see matron with "illnesses". School said is keeping an eye on things but giving children merit marks to spend time with DD just makes her feel worse. She has been suffering this for months but only just told us when it obviously became just too much as was trying different ways to make friends but has failed and didn't want to worry me. I put on a brave face discussing it with her but am heartbroken to think she has been going through this and hiding it from me. Have suggested lunchtime clubs and she said she will give it a go but she looks so beaten.

I hope your dd can find a couple of girls to develop a friendship with too blondie - it only takes one or two emerging friendships to turn this around for her. I'll be trying to do the same for my DS - as I said he needs some new friends now some of his old mates have moved away

Just reading a book that might help, "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship" Simple Strategies to help your child make friends. Natalie Madorsky Elman.

It's an interesting read with some practical advice. Some of it is a bit obvious but it is good for giving children things to try out. I am going to ask teachers to read it too. Bought it on Amazon. Good luck.

Sending lots of sympathy (and to Sparklingbrooks boy too). Heartbreaking to see your child going through this.

Get her magazines to take into school at lunchtime, when there are no clubs on. Nothing worse than moping around wondering how to spend the lunchtime, trying to look positive in a vacuum. If she has a good mag in her bag which she can pull out and read (or even pretend to read, if she has already read it) then she will feel less at a loose end, and someone might join her to talk about/share what she is reading

Has she tried karate out of school? V good sport for improving self confidence, getting out and being with people twice a week, getting some exercise, without the social pressure of having to have friendships already. Because the class is working on activities which each person must do alone, you don't have to have a friend there to do it, but you are with other people who are doing the same.

Seconding the suggestion of ensuring that she has enough support/sympathy/empathy at home/on line to come to terms with her epilepsy. Any teen is working out who or what they are, and being diagnosed with something, even if it can be well controlled/managed, is a big thing to come to terms with. An online support group is a great idea.

My final thought is to encourage her to eat well at home (ds1 won't eat much at school for other reasons). Try a sandwich/bowl of pasta as soon as she gets out/home, and then have the evening meal a bit later if needs be. Eating is essentially a social activity - everyone enjoys eating more with friends. She can take a banana/sausage roll for 'lunch' to get a short burst of food onboard, and then enjoy eating at home . . . .

Best of luck. Things will get better, but it is hard whilst going through this

Sorry Sparkling, I said dd when I meant ds. . Dd is desperate to be friends with a girl who's treated her badly, bunks off, is rude to the teachers, wears make up and forgoes lunch so she can go to the sweet shop and spend her money there instead. Dd is a goody goody who is a conscientious, kind, caring pupil who would no more answer back to a teacher than fly to the moon!

I think sometimes it's them accepting that someone doesn't like them that's hard.

I don't know the answer and only wish I did, sorry, but lots of sympathy for you OP and everyone else whose DC are going through this, it really is heartbreaking to stand by and watch them suffer isn't it
I have read many of these posts on here and lots of people say that the dynamics change around Year 9, I don't know if its true as we have a couple of years to go yet. Its a long time to wait but in the meantime you can only do your best to keep her spirits up and encourage her to take part in as many activities as possible.

My DS was upset last night as most of the class had been invited to a party except a handful and he is one of the handful. I tried to reassure him but what can you say? He talks about the 'populars' too and the fact that no matter what they say or do everyone backs them up as everyone wants to be liked (or not disliked) by the 'populars' as they wield such power....how to explain that life won't always be like that - or will it? do men grow out of this?

I just don't get what makes some kids "in" and some kids very definitely "out" does anyone have the magic answer?

I have heard the Year 9 thing a lot too takeonboard. They start High school in Year 8 here so hope I don't have to wait 'til Year 10.

I was never one of the "popular" one's at school to the point where I often ate lunch alone. However, I joined the Army Cadets at the age of 13 and made a lot of friends there and just knowing that I had a lot of friends outside of school really helped. In fact 1 of them went to my school although not in the same year. An outside interest can really help.