11 year old DS and x-box, don't know how to handle this.

[VenusWineTrap]

Hi,

I'm looking for some advice about my 11 year old DS as I'm really struggling to lay some boundaries that don't result in a meltdown of anger from him.

He's just started secondary school, seems to be happy, has a good circle of friends, and has settled well.

At home his life seems to revolve around the x-box, and no matter how much we try to limit it or set fair timescales, it dominates our house, any restriction is met with an angry outburst - 'We want to ruin his life,there's nothing else to do, we hate him, we don't want him to have any fun' the list goes on.

Besides taking it away completely, do any of you have any suggestions that have worked in your family? The shouting and anger has really upset me tonight.

The part that concerns me most about your posts is the 'he gets aggressive until he can go on at 5pm' bit. I agree that he's displaying addictive tendencies. Until now I've refused to have these games in the house with limited use (30mins a day) of my iPhone available for FIFA games. Reading this through I think I'll stick to that despite being in the minority. Secondary school starts this September so watch this space.
I would switch from removing it as a sanction for bad behaviour to using it being a treat for good behaviour.

For your child moderate use is not going to help at all.

He has developed an addiction that is life-long and from which complete and total abstainance is the only way forward.

how much is too much. My 12 year old has 2 hours on a week day and perhaps a bit more at the weekend but he would play on his xbox all day. He has no other interests and claims we are ruining his life. All the other boys his age can play for as long as they want and whatever they want, he isn't allowed on 18s and only some 15s that my husband has looked at. He claims he has no friends because of it and gets called names. I don't believe we are wrong and don't want to give into adult peer pressure but feel awful when he is so sad. Surely we are not the only parents with these views. I know it is good for him to be bored so he might find another interest but it isn't working. Help

After playing MindCraft for the whole of the Easter Holidays, I asked DS1 (15) to pop to town on Sunday with DH to keep him company as DH wasn't feeling too well and needed to get some thing from Boots and Holland and Barratt. Now bearing in mind this was 3.00pm and he still hadn't been showered... and I basically had to prize him off his bedroom chair, he turned round to me and said 'I do have a life of my own you know, don't see why I have to go with Dad' . Little get

No freshair? No exercise. No sport. No being with people. No talking.

You are using repetitive actions which can cause muscle strain.
You are not interacting with people face to face.
You are not getting any fresh air.
You are not getting exercise.
You are not having a balance of activities.
It makes you grumpy.

2 hours a day during the holiday is a limit. Get him a timer and let him pick when to use his time. Once it's up that's it. He can have it all in one go, or spread out, but you have to be prepared to be the bad guy who switches it off and spoils all his fun!

We have had similar problems with DS always wanting to be on computer or Nintoendo DS.

He is now 11 ( still in primary) and has Asperger's.

We too have removed it as a punishment - no computer DS removed , ban extended when I found him trying to sneak onto the computer when I wasn't looking.

I got all the " its not fair" and "I don't have any homework so what' s the problem?" type stuff too. BUT I am a MEAN mum and saw how too much computer/games time makes his overall behaviour deteriorate so we currently have a 1/2 hour limit per day on screen time for both children ( DD 9), apart from needing to do homework. This was hard at the start but about 6 weeks in it is great. They play with each other, other games and toys have been re-discovered. They are reading loads, and are generally much nicer to be around.

My advice would be to bite the bullet and stick to it.

Also have a read of this for pros and cons arguments or this which has links to studies of whether or not they are bad for you.

Yes, VenusWineTrap, I have some sympathy with that, my 11 yr old plays Minecraft and World or Warcraft with loads of his buddies on skype and it sounds really fun, and Minecraft in particular is very creative and inventive so I didn't really mind that he was on it alot, particularly in the rainy holidays. But I'm finding the Xbox a bit different, which he has just started, even though they are all playing together and collaborating, working in teams etc which is all to be applauded.

It is quite stressful to play I think for some, very fast, very random, being 'killed' by people all the time and having to start again is quite upsetting and gets him really mad. I watched it for a bit, and though he is allowed the fighting ones like all of his mates, it isn't the shooting thing I have a problem with which doesn't seem too different to those in lesser games, it is the fast pace and stressful aspects which make him so angry and which makes it different from the others.

Though mine does lots of sports and other activities, it is gradually taking over all his time and that is the bit that I am not sure about. I thought like the others it would be a phase and then over, so let it go on, but it appears not.

So I have taken it off him for rudeness for a few days for the first time and am dreading him getting home from school! However the rational I am giving him is that I have seen that it is quite different from the other games and because of the way it makes him feel and act then we have to think about what % of it he does of that one and what other things he does.

I know he feels it himself sometimes and it's almost a relief sometimes I think. This is despite the dripping derision with which he greats my psychological musings and monster tantrums he has when I threaten to take it! Perhaps I am imagining the relief thing for my own benefit!

Holy moly all us have the same dilemma. My ds is almost 10 yrs old and is addicted. My own fault as before Xbox he played Lego for hrs which I loved, Xbox came along that was all ok until I hit rock bottom and allowed Xbox live to enter my house. Well life changed forever after that big mistake.
I see that you all get the same emotional stuff chucked at you, I hate you, don't love you, your the worst parents in the world. Well that I agree because I let this happen, but I intend reversing this action and all you guys have helped me with your responses. On Sunday we sitting down and discussing the new rules starting monday 30 April. Xbox for 1 hr directly from school as I think a little unwinding is needed before dinner and homework. Come the weekends it will set in hr blocks no more than 3 a day. I'm not sure how efficient this will be but it's a start in the right direction. Good luck to everyone taking back control, it's a tough time ahead but together we can do this x

Just stay quiet and calm, have set times, give warnings and remove it. Just use a bored tone and sound like a broken record, don't let them manipulate them into arguments. Stick to one fact e.g. 'your hour is up'. I reply to the general 'you are ruining my life, I hate you' stuff with 'you will thank me one day'.

Hi

My 12 yr old is the same. Him-"my friend's Mum lets them go on it whenever they want"
Me- "I'm not their Mum I'm yours and I bet they don't go on it as much as you think they do"

Also there was a thing on the radio about a boy who developed a facial tick when on his xbox for a long periods of time. It's to do with the enzymes secreted in their brain when concerntrating (and getting stressed) with the games. You could tell him about that. Also effects their eyesight, brain development, social skills and academic skills are stunted.

And I say that you either go on it for the agreed amount of time or not at all.

Hope that helps :)