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Preschool education

Get advice from other Mumsnetters to find the best nursery for your child on our Preschool forum.

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Original poster

There is a little girl at nursery my daughter has taken a dislike to, what should I do ?

40 replies

mummyloveslucy · 25/02/2009 18:36

Hi, my daughter is 4 next week and goes to an all girls nursery attached to a girls school. She is a happy sociable little girl but will always let the other children lead and she won't take charge even if the child is a couple of years younger.
Anyway, she talkes about her friends and says who she likes but she seems to dislike one girl in particula. When ever she talks about her party she says "but not P, I don't want her to come". I say firmly to her that all your friends are comming and You should be kind to everyone.
I don't know wether to mention it to the school and see if they've noticed anything? I've seen this little girl at several partys and in school and I can't work out why she dosn't like her. She seems more confident than my daughter but dosn't seem bossy or at all agressive. I think she's really sweet actually.
I've tried asking my daughter why she dosn't like her but she just gets all huffy and says "because I don't want her for my friend", If I say why she just repeats what she's just said louder. I'm worried that if she comes to the party, my daughter might cry and show me up. If she does, what would be the best form of discipline?
What would you do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

pointydog · 25/02/2009 19:54

lol. sheesh. that was unreal.

Smithagain · 25/02/2009 20:00

Why do people think that four is too young to make decisions about friendships?

We used to meet a group of other mums regularly, when DD1 was a toddler. But by the time she was three, it had become apparent that she really wasn't very compatible with a couple of the other children. They were much more boisterous than her and she was intimidated by them. She was getting more and more quiet and withdrawn, so I decided we would stop going. The change in her personality when we started meeting more compatible children was astonishing. Suddenly, I had a confident, happy child.

I agree that a "whole class" party has to be the whole class, not leaving one child out. But I really don't see any sense in engineering a situation where your DD has to play with this child. Maybe they just don't get on!

thekillingofdaftpunk · 25/02/2009 20:11

part of good parenting is about encouraging positive attitudes towards all children...if at the tender age of 3 you are allowing negative choices to made...( i don't like her, i don't want her at my party)...it's not really setting a good example is it?

of course as children grow they will start to prefer the company of certain children over other children...but at 3?...sorry..too young.

Smithagain · 25/02/2009 20:33

I'm all for children being taught to be kind and pleasant to all other children. But I don't see any reason why they should be obliged to form friendships with children they find difficult to get along with. Even at 3.

Yes - invite to an all-class party. Yes - be kind and pleasant. But a big, fat no to mummy arranging playdates so that a child is forced to play one on one with a child they don't want to play with. What's the point?

dilemma456 · 25/02/2009 21:02

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 26/02/2009 09:25

dilemma456- I wonder if it's the same school? I would never leave out just one child either.
I heard my husband talking to my daughter this morning and he asked her who was comming to her party. She listed several of her nursery friends including this girl. (in a pleasently supprised way).

OP posts:

redskyatnight · 26/02/2009 10:15

I'd invite the girl if you are inviting everyone else, but wouldn't force a playdate - they may not be destined to be best pals.

At this age I would be a little bit wary of saying it is a genuine dislike. Both of my children have not wanted to invite children to their parties that they didn't like and it turned out that these children were the shy ones that didn't really play or (in DD's case) the really homesick child that cried a lot. i.e. the ones that would have really appreciated a party invite.

Also I've found that friendhips change very quickly. DS's 4th birthday party list got rewritten about 4 times and the final list bore very little resemblance the first one.

dilemma456 · 26/02/2009 13:44

Message withdrawn

MamaG · 26/02/2009 13:47

DS HATED a boy at nursery
He would scream if he came near him (the wuss)

Now they are in reception and best friends

purepurple · 28/02/2009 08:39

I'm a bit at an all girl nursery. I didn't think they existed.

totalmisfit · 05/03/2009 15:44

i would invite her, if only so we don't get another 'my dd was the only child not to be invited to a party' thread on MN from her mother!

She doesn't 'have' to be friends with her just because you invite her. How can she possibly be expected to actually play with all 20 children anyway? With so many kids there, she'll probably barely see the one she's not so keen on.

Dearbhla · 06/03/2009 10:45

I have a problem with my DD aged 4 who has been going to preschool for nearly a year. A boy started last Sept who seems to be special needs and last week, apparently he was trying to do a puzzle and he couldn't do it and the leader was cross with him and he started crying and the same thing happened with something else another day. It really upset her and now she won't go on the days he is there which means she will only be going one day. I tried to send her one day this week when he was there and she was just really unhappy and upset. Have I made the right decision?

TotalChaos · 06/03/2009 10:57

MLL - agree with totalmisfit and others - invite her to party, but don't force a friendship. As long as she's polite to her, then no need to address the situation at all.

Dearbhla - I'm a bit confused - is your DD upset because of the staff's behaviour towards the boy with SN?

Dearbhla · 06/03/2009 11:53

Yes, TotalChaos, that seems to be what is upsetting her. The thing is as well is that there are only four or five children there so it is hard to get away from it.

TotalChaos · 06/03/2009 12:54

I'ld speak to the nursery manager then, as it's not really just a simple personality clash, but more an issue of the standard of care they are providing. Might also be worth having a word with the boy's parents if you can, as this child may not have the language skills to indicate he isn't being treated well.

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