Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Preschool education

Get advice from other Mumsnetters to find the best nursery for your child on our Preschool forum.

trusting male classroom assistants

40 replies

kneedeepinnappies · 27/06/2008 23:28

it's been an exahausting day and I need to offload. Took DD to preschool orientation today and asked about the toilet procedure, as she's still in nappies. Was told she'd be taken to the toilet twice and her nappy changed. The preschool has a male classroom assistant who I don't get a great vibe from (just a gut thing)and I'm not comfortable about him taking her for a nappy change. I know it's partly unreasonable as men AND women are capable of nastiness, so to single him out over the other teachers isn't right. I know this. But I can't help the way I feel. I spoke to the Head and she basically told me to like it or lump it. I don't know what to do now as ultimately I think he's okay but will I end up sitting at home worrying about her time there. DH has no problem with it and thinks I'm worrying too much. Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
lulumama · 28/06/2008 13:52

what a terribly sad indictment. i am glad the head told you to like it or lump it

this man is someone;s son, brother, father , uncle.. how terrible you judge him as untrustworthy and as a potential abuser, by virtue of his gender

very sad you feel this way

i hope you don;t pass this unfounded distrust onto your child

bubblagirl · 28/06/2008 14:12

i can understand how you feel but you must remember all of them are crb checked before even being allowed to work with children

they wouldnot employ someone who may be a bit weird

its ok to worry about a male changing a nappy but its his job he must be doing a good job

my friend a male went to college to study child care and he works with children in nursery environment now and i would be gutted if he was disliked for being male

some women are nastier than men dont worry yourself in this environment its hardly the same as some random male touching your daughter its her nursery teacher im afraid you will just have to accept this and see him as a teacher not a strange man

IPityTheFool · 28/06/2008 14:17

I think you need to separate your feelings of unease from his gender.

If you don't get a good vibe from someone for no apparent reason, that's one thing. If you just can't put your finger on why you don't like him, you need to decide whether you genuinely think he could be dodgy, or it's just a personality clash, or because you're unused to men working in childcare.

But if it's just because he's a bloke, then that is ridiculous. How would you feel if one of your pals didn't want to leave her dc in the company of your DH just because he's a man?

rachelp73 · 13/07/2008 23:30

To the OP, and contrary to most of the other posts, you have my sympathy. Sometimes we feel under pressure to ignore our natural instinct over something just not feeling right, for fear of offending others or appearing prejudiced.

To everyone else who mentioned that because someone is CRB-checked then that means they are totally trustworthy, then they are being slightly naiive. Unfortunatley, there are people who are clear on a CRB check who go on to get caught and convicted for the very first time.

I speak from experience. Someone I know was convicted of paedophilia about 8 years ago. Up until that point, he had been (to all outward appearances) a fine upstanding member of the community - heavily involved in the church, had loads of experience of baby-sitting for fellow church-goers, and, last but most shockingly - working as a teacher in a primary school. The judge ruled that he had become a primary teacher mainly to gain easy access to children. To say the whole thing was a huge shock when I found out was an understatement, yet.......

.....and shoot me down in flames for this if you want to, anyone, but in hindsight there had always been something ODD about him. He had always been extremely socially awkward, a "misfit", had few if any friends, never had a proper girlfriend, spent most of his free time alone at home on a PC etc, etc. Even his body language was awkward and strange. Anybody's instinct would have told them he was just, well, a bit wierd. Yet people trusted him because he was a churchgoer and primary school teacher.

My point is, there ARE wierdos out there, and people should listen closely to their instinct, man or woman, rather than assuming that just because someone is in a position of authority that that somehow automatically makes them trustworthy. People DO slip through the net.

And before anyone has a moan, at my son's nursery there has been a male member of staff in the past (since I had experience of the above), and no, I wasn't automatically distrustful just because he was a man, or just because my beliefs might have been tainted by my experiences. On speaking to him, I felt totally at ease and there was nothing "odd" about him in any way, and I totally trusted him. And at somewhere I worked in the past there was a male nursery nurse at the creche and he was just fantastic with the kids and really good at his job, and a lovely, sociable, "normal", chatty, extremely likeable and outgoing guy.

However, I am now wondering whether my past experiences has actually coloured my judgement as looking around my son's potential primary recently, I noticed an "odd" man who was present at home time. I had already met the only male teacher previously (and again, felt no unease with him, in fact I know he is really ppopular with the kids he teaches), and so was left wondering who this man was - a caretaker? A new teacher (they had a vacancy recently)? Whatever, something about him, his body language and just his general manner and way of being around people just immediately got my hackles and suspicions up. I just didn't feel right about him and and am now thinking forward to September and wondering what contact he will have with my son and wondernig whether he's harmless.

I really do think there are not enough men in the nursery and teaching professions, and would like to see more, but unfortunately areas with easy access to children, whether it is teaching, sports coaching, scout leading, or being a church minister, will always be a huge pull for "certain types". The systems tries hard to weed out the wierdos but unfortunately some do slip through, and sometimes we really should listen to our gut instinct more where we feel someone is just "not right". We have to try and get the balance right between being competely paranoid and stupidly neurotic and suspicious of ALL men; and being naive, overly-trusting and so frantically determined to avoid being labelled prejudiced and narrow-minded that we ignore our (sometimes quite valid) natural instinct.

dilemma456 · 14/07/2008 08:09

Message withdrawn

Shooflypie · 02/12/2008 21:59

Sorry but I am with Rachel on this, speaking from experience again. I worked (nothing to do with child care) closely with a bloke for 12 years, whom many people took an instant dislike to. I thought he was an akward personality but creatively brilliant, so stayed working with him all that time. Until he told me that he had been arrested under Operation Ore and thought he was about to go to jail.
Needless to say I left the company and have never worked with him since.
With hindsight though, he did say some odd things which made me go but then dismissed eg: "Babies they're so....ooo you just want to BITE them, don't you?" Er, NO.
Oh and before he came to work in his present occupation, he was a f*ing CLOWN, ffs.

I would trust your instincts as a mother - police checks are not infallible and nothing is more important than your DC's safety.

Cocoapops · 02/12/2008 22:01

I think YOU have the issue.

seeker · 02/12/2008 22:03

I am appalled that this thread has been revived after 6 months just to reinforce prejudice.

tillyblue · 02/12/2008 22:14

My dd was cared for by a male assistant at nursery, he was fantastic and everyone adored him. He changed her nappies and it never bothered me.

You have to judge each person around your child on their individual merits not on the sex.

kyrasmummy · 03/12/2008 20:51

I wish there was a male at my DS's nursery, he hasn't really got any male influences, and in his class there a 7 boys and 1 girl.

MollieO · 03/12/2008 22:12

If I didn't like someone enough at my ds's nursery to actually raise it with the head before my ds had even started there then I'd be looking for an alternative pre-school. The staff are an integral part of the pre-school so if you don't like them then it isn't the right pre-school for you.

If your only objection was because he is male then that is a prejudice which is pretty poor imo and I speak as someone who works in a male-dominated environment and is fed up with sexual stereotyping I encounter on a daily basis (apparently I shouldn't be working because I am a mother!).

ToysAreLikeDogs · 03/12/2008 22:17

It's a farking resurrection thread folks.

Don't waste any more of your time on it.

Shooflypie has chosen to revive the thread after 6 months

Shooflypie · 03/12/2008 22:52

Eh? I am about the 30th person who posted, so don't quite see how I managed to revive a thread which I didn't see in the first place.

Didn't mean to annoy anyone - was just sharing my experience is all.

PortAndLemon · 03/12/2008 22:56

How did you come across the thread, Shoofly? If you look back, the last post before yours was in mid-July, so it's not exactly hanging around in Active Conversations...

I have accidentally reactivated old threads before myself, so I know it's possible to do unintentionally -- I've learned the hard way to check dates before posting!

Shooflypie · 03/12/2008 23:24

Oh FECK! I'm so sorry!

Having wandered round all my usual topics I thought I'd have a look in Preschool on the off chance that there might be something about nurseries round our way.
This one caught my eye for the reason I stated.

But bloody hell, no I didn't check the date and I didn't think it was THAT far down.

I blame DP - he is working away and I clearly have TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS.

Pardon a relative newbie. Oh the shame!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page