At a loss with pre school

[Remihastwomummies]

Hi folks. Im sure this has been asked a million times so im sorry in advance!

Just sort of looking for advice, or if anyone's been here before how it went for them etc.

My little girl is 4, started nursery in september. Absolutely adored it at the start skipped in, didn't even say goodbye. Came home with all the stories about this kid, that teacher. What they did. What she enjoyed and didnt enjoy.

After christmas its been a completely different story. Doesnt want to go, shes not pin pointing one certain thing that has annoyed her. It seems to be if I mention staying for lunch (she does 9-1.30 in a nursery attached to the school) she says no its too long.

Ive been in constant contact with the school the teachers genuinely have all been amazing and do not think this is me running them down because its not. Theyve allowed her to stay just 9-12 but have said they'd like her to stay to 1.30 again after the mid term break next week. Ive brought it up to her and shes saying its too long and she just wants to stay home.

After christmas as well the teacher did tell me she wasnt playing well with other kids, or really at all. Would just walk about in circles from toy to toy. Would much prefer the company of adults and would follow the teachers everywhere. And when asked by the teacher why she didnt want to come to nursery anymore she said "i just want to sit on my sofa and watch my tablet" me too hun. The school also want SENCO to come and have a wee watch of her and see where to go from there which ive agreed too cuz I want to help her with whatever is going on and I also have an apt set up with the dr because the school is now thinking she may be autistic.

I dont really know what I want from this post other than has anyone been here, could it be possible its not autism its just she wants to be with me after the christmas break? Its just breaking my heart seeing her going from being so happy, bringing the pictures she was drawing me home, skipping in to this little girl who cries at the doors?

Sorry for the long post!!!!

If the nursery are mentioning autism, it's likely that the things you have mentioned aren't the only signs they see. In most places, there's a 3+ year wait on the NHS for assessment, so even if you get her on the list and then by the time the assessment comes around, decide everything is fine then that is better than waiting a year or two now and then starting from scratch.
Sounds like the nursery are really on the ball and trying to support her. The one thing I would recommend, if you still have concerns in a few months, is to ask that a support plan is put in place - no matter how well nursery are supporting her, having it put out in a more formal may be important for the future.
For what it's worth, my daughter was very similar at nursery (already on autism pathway before she started and diagnosed not long after) and managed to cope the first few months but then became increasingly more difficult. She's 13 now and has told me that it was separation anxiety, which was surprising as she was fine being away from me in other situations, but basically because she didn't feel comfortable at nursery, she wanted me there. She also masks and that is exhausting and would leave her struggling to go everyday.

Do 4 year olds have tablets these days? Mine barely even watched CBeebies at that age. They played with their toys. Surely it’s not healthy for developing brains to be gazing at a screen for hours?

OP does she have to go, so you can work? If not, then I’d let her just do mornings, and bring her home in the afternoon to play with her. They do enough years at compulsory school, I’ve never understood the need for hours and hours or pre-school (unless it’s needed for parents to work obviously).

And I’d be taking away the tablet. It’s killing her imagination.

Thanks everyone so so much for all the comments and all the advice. And I do one million percent agree the tablet needs to absolutely go and its my fault for given her it/letting her on it for too long so I do take that on the chin.

With regards to everyone saying they must be seeing something else when shes in nursery to suggest autism. Her teacher pointed out that sometimes when they put the screen on to dance she needs the noise cancelling headphones. But that was only after Christmas and she had a wee throat and ear infection (didnt know that until 2 days later when she started with a temp) so im interested to see if thats still an ongoing issue or was it just cuz she had sore ears cuz she never minded the music before christmas, would actually ask the teacher to turn it up. And she hasnt needed them since those few days.

Theyve also mentioned her not being settled in the sense that she just sort of walks about nursery, plays with something for like 3 minutes then moves on to the next I.e. her attention span. Which I have noticed before with her but again I never thought autism (not me saying its not) and that they say she is so very clever and that she remembers literally everything even from years ago and how she also craves attention from adults.

I am 100% taken every single bit of advice from her teachers and im actually taken her to the Dr's today as requested by the teacher. She hasnt seen the senco yet, that im aware, but I have filled the consent form in. All this im telling you has always been passing comments at pick up. I've never actually had the chance to sit down and chat with the teacher/ta about it. When I did try to talk one day at pick up, she said we would talk about it at the parent teacher meetings in March.

I know it could be a million things and it also could be nothing. But its just really left me completely baffled. Especially when her teacher was saying at the trip she was unsettled and there was lots of tears but when I ask DD shes saying a different story. Not saying I 100% believe my 4 year old but I just dont feel like i know the full story? Probably just me being too worried about it all!

What does she play with/ do at home? Do you get out and about with her to the park and stuff?

I think the main thing is consistently and calmly stick to boundaries without making a big deal about any of it
1st year my lad was in school I had to listen to a long rant from him about why did he have to go when his weird hippy friends could stay home all the time. Every Monday! All Year!!

Shes very into playing with dolls etc. Loves making them have sleepovers, parties, camping out etc. And equally loves playdoh and colouring in. Yeah we do get out a whole lot. Not as much the past few weeks as we've had a lot of sicknesses etc.

This made me laugh about the hippies. Its mad how their brains work. My partner spoke to her last night about saying about getting her star chart out again. And I get thats a reward scheme, good behaviour gets rewards. But I honestly feel bad bribing her lol

So will she play with her dolls without you or do you have to play with her?

She USED to play on her own. Now the past maybe 2 3 months its "mummy make this doll talk" "mummy make this doll copy what this doll is doing". Its very constant. But she knows how to play independently.

Interesting. Does that match with her not wanting to go to nursery? I wonder if she is missing you and that is contributing. Maybe lots of special mummy time might help her feel more secure and be happier about nursery?

Neither of mine ever had any issues settling in at school (I do realise how lucky I am) and was really excited for them to be going because they were more than ready. I remember feeling a bit sad with my eldest though when I had the realisation that at not yet 5 he was on the Monday to Friday treadmill that he might spend the rest of his life on. It just feels too young.

Yeah im kinda thinking this myself? Cuz she was off for christmas for 2 weeks, all the time in the world with mummy, new toys came and we played with them together etc. Then when school was due to go back there was a snow storm and the school was closed the first day back so we had a snow day building snowmen, snowball fights and making snow angels. So im thinking is she feeling like wow all the fun we had bet mummy's having all that fun and im missing out? When in reality mummy's up to her eyeballs in housework and my job lol. I just had her at the Dr's there and she said shes not concerned about autism but has referred DD anyway. Im just gonna have to play bad cop for a while until shes used to being away from me again!!

Retired early years teacher here. Pre school is not statutory- it’s great for many children and a wonderful place to learn and grow. But over the years I’ve seen many examples of children who struggle with the set up - noise, toilets, lunchtime play, food, trips out, attachment issues, etc.
Feeling secure is the key here. They are young children and build up resilience at different times. It’s difficult for staff to manage so many needs, but with parent help, it is possible to work together to support the child and their need for security.
My advice would be to just do mornings for a while. Your child will be able to enjoy the morning activities, secure in the knowledge that, for now, it isn’t too long. A prompt and positive pick up at 12, and then a quick lunch at home at the table with you, and then an afternoon trip to the supermarket, swimming pool, library etc. No tablet. You are in charge.
Continue like this for as long as it takes to build up your child’s confidence and security.
School staff will inform you of any assessments that they make. You do your part in building up security.
It’s great that you are able to be at home to facilitate what your child needs. I have taught hundreds of children - they do not all fit the same pattern. A child being allowed to go home for lunch for a while usually results in them asking to stay longer!

Its funny you say this cuz shes been leaving earlier the last 3 weeks and today she asked for her lunch bag and could she "make her own lunch" so shes put her toy food in it and is "doing lunches" with her two favourite toys. Im so glad you've said all this, I dont like thinking of DD being put in a box because shes maybe a little different or maybe shes just not socially advanced than others. Shes an only child and theres no children in our families for her to play with so she really only knows adults? Ill take every bit of advice given to help her!

She sounds very similar to my DD (also 4, just started school). She was at nursery from 9 months (8.30-1.30 x4/5 days a week) and inexplicably last year, so pre-school, as she was turning 4, went through a phase of resistance. I didn’t have a choice, she had to stay until 1.30, and it was relatively short lived, but from what you’ve said their personalities sound very similar and I find the more options you give her, the worse she is. If you just stick with the plan, she may grumble but she adapts far better. I would personally be asking nursery if you could just try collecting her at 1.30 from now on, and be prepared to give it a good few weeks. I think the messing about with pick up times may actually be causing her more issues.

Also, does she have any friends there that you could have a play date with outside of nursery? She might then enjoy going in more knowing she’ll see her “best friend”.

You say this is a preschool attached to the school - is it run by a teacher with one or two assistants under the school, or is it a separate entity on the school campus?

In most non-school settings, the SENCO isn't someone who sits in an office all day, they work actively with the children. Our SENCO has one office day a week and the rest of the time works in ratio in the room, so doesn't so much as "see" children with suspected additional needs as work with them all week! We are attached to a school but run completely separately.

I find it intriguing that the setting are so concerned they're asking you to make a doctor's appointment but not so concerned that they want to talk before the parents evening. I'd suggest going back and telling them that what they have dumped on you (with no support) is causing massive amounts of anxiety and you do not want to wait until March. Either they have serious concerns or they don't. Which one is it? If they still don't offer support or arrange a meeting considering how it's affecting you MH, I'd not be wanting her to spend too much time there anyway as I think it's possibly indicative of how they view wellbeing.

Also, just wondering, since you say there's no children in your family, do you take her to play groups? Could be a good way of her experiencing playing with children with your support?

I find it intriguing that the setting are so concerned they're asking you to make a doctor's appointment but not so concerned that they want to talk before the parents evening

OP did say she'd made the appointment not that school asked her to. Perhaps OP pushed them on why they wanted the Senco involvement and they said possible autism, but it seems like they are waiting for the Senco to observe her first.

Sorry I must not have been clear with my previous post, mum brain ill blame it on 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ it was the school that actually asked me to make an appointment with the Dr it was said "maybe it would be a good idea to make a wee appointment to speak to your dr" was said. Its a nursery unit attached to a school so she has her main teacher and two TAs. I had to sign a form i think 2 weeks ago that I was allowing senco to come and observe her. Which is totally fine as if theres even a slight chance she is autistic, I want it spotted now. Or even if she just needs a little help, by all means! I honestly really do appreciate every single one of your comments and advice. I am honestly just feeling a bit helpless!