Are preschool gaslighting me ?

[greekislandsparty]

First time mum so new to this experience
LO is 2 and started preschool in September

Outstanding rating from Ofsted and tbf, objectively they are a decent provision on the face of it.

First week LO came home with a bruise on face. At pick up, worker said don’t worry it’s just a little scratch, she scratched herself playing but she’s ok. I’m the car I checked LO nails and took a picture as I knew I had cut them that weekend. I looked at the bruise again and it wasn’t consistent with a scratch. Emailed the school my concerns and pictures.

At first they tried to say I was overreacting and it was nothing and she did scratch herself. Is asked how that would be possible with low nails.

in the app, they sent me a picture of LO playing and the explanation of how LO played, and she was on a trampoline that has like a knob on the handle. To me it looked like when she jumped she bumped her face on the knob. It also made sense given the explanation of how little one was playing on the trampoline. But they didn’t outright say little LO got hurt on it.

By the end of the day, Manager called me and apologised and said they shouldn’t have said LO scratched herself and as they were unsure they should have just said that. I agreed and said I would have been less panicked with that explanation and appreciated the call.

The other week they tell me LO shows signs of SEN. Flaps arms when excited, repeats words spoken by others, refers to self in 3rd person. They gave me SEN number and said I must seek advice and additional support. Inhumoured them and called and tbf me and the SEN worker had a hit of a laugh bc she said that nothing I’ve told her means LO is SEN and maybe the setting are being overzealous. She was so reasonable but we both agreed that sometimes kids will behave differently at school to home.

When I told preschool they deputy scoffed at me and said well I’ll ring them and tell them what we observe bc we have concerns. We went round in circles and I queried everything she said, it seemed like she just wanted to be right. By the end of the convo she then says would I agree to LO being seen by the IDO just to give them a few tips about how to better engage LO. I had no issues with that but asked why they didn’t suggest that first instead of almost being adamant that all HAD to be referred to SEN. She lied and said she had suggested that. But this point I couldn’t be bothered to go back and forth.

The manager works with her sister who is a key worker and the deputy is the managers best friend. I’m worried that collusion and coverups will take place of things keep coming up. It’s draining. Am I overreacting ?

Id like to get through the year as I don’t think it would be helpful to move LO but if things keep happening then I don’t know. Any tips on how to just crack on but make sure I’m able to advocate for my child and get through the year. LO is not staying on there so it’s literally a few more months till end of school year and they’re term time only.

I didn’t write off the SEN observations. There is a strong push from them to go a route that SEN themselves have said doesn’t meet their threshold. If in future it does, I have no issues with that

Thanks for sharing your experience. I have an expectation that LO will have low level neurological issues as they develop… I told the nirsery this myself before they started due to medical history. As it’s been one term it’s not wrong of them to flag up their concerns. I appreciate it. My issue is LO is significantly different at home and other environments than at preschool. There is almost a going backwards in behaviours at school bc they are copying other children who display similar behaviours.

Outside of school, LO is a totally different child. My point to them is that LO doesn’t meet the threshold for SEN support anyway but she was adamant I make a referral so LO is ‘in the sustem’. The SEN team literally told me they wouldn’t accept the referral bc we don’t meet the threshold, there’s no going round that and I know LO’s need are very low and sometimes environmental.

Im totally open to support but don’t try to bully me into doing something that a service already told me is not possible and then begin to ignore my child bc u don’t like my push back. They are also outstanding but the Manager was very reasonable when we spoke today and I think the issue was the approach rather than the intent. Then Subsequently that worker trying to make me feel like my perception was wrong.

Why did you ask for opinions if you’re going to just argue back with everyone who disagrees?

Your reply is not based on anything I’ve said. Please re-read my responses because I can’t adequately respond to something that’s inaccurate

Is it everyone who disagrees or is it people who have misrepresented my POV?

Oh and yes to the next preschool and also no issues with HV two year check. Passed with flying colours

But have also booked an appointment with a consultant paediatrici neurologist for next year just to be thorough

Pull your kid of of there. Something isn't right and that's why you are posting on this forum

They can’t misrepresent your point of view because only you have your POV; they can only give alternative perspectives. From what I can see, these perspectives are that you overreacted to the bruise (which is understandable as a first time mum. We’ve all been there), that SEN might show up in the nursery setting more than at home and that the staff are probably extra cautious with you because of the whole investigation incident. These perspectives sound parallel to your description of events to me, or am I missing something here?

Either way, you’re clearly unhappy with the nursery. The relationship between the nursery and the parents is important and it’s not working. Move her to a different nursery.

Hang on op? Your LO likely does have some form of additional need? They offer you support and you have effectively thrown it back in their face?
I really don't know what you are trying to achieve? And what professional was laughing with you down the phone?
This is very odd behaviour

I think you should pull your DD out as the relationship between you and the nursery staff has broken down. You do not trust them and they sound very wary of you.

@greekislandsparty you have been rather sharp with and dismissive of other posters on this thread. If you have been similar with the nursery team, it is understandable that they are wary of you. Good luck moving forward.

The point about gaslighting is it's intentional. So you are accusing them of deliberately setting out to emotionally abuse you and make you doubt what is real? If you seriously think that then you should have pulled her out yesterday.

I highly doubt that's what is going on - it's just a difference of opinion, though they are being overly pushy.

Gosh I wish my daughter's nursery had been this proactive. We have now been waiting years for an assessment and I think she wouldn't have struggled so much if someone picked these things up much earlier. If they are offering extra support or an assessment I'd grab that with both hands - either nothing will flag up or you'll be in the incredibly fortunate circumstance of having access to support before your child even starts school (a phone assessment with someone only speaking to you is pretty useless so I wouldn't give up yet.)

Kids get hurt and that wouldn't bother me in the slightest. My kids have come home with all sorts of things and even now usually can't tell me how it happened and they're much older.

Just an observation that neurodiversity is highly hereditaable. Interesting, OP, that you describe yourself as

', I would usually lead with a degree of honesty (factual stuff) as opposed to silence. Only bc I find that it’s generally my preferred way of moving through the world.'

And you've been very black and white on this thread in and also literal in your interpretation of a 'scratch'.

I echo others to keep an open mind on what the nursery are describing as SEN and bear in mind NHS waiting lists eg for ASD assessments are around 3 years long so any concerns are worth acting on early.

Good luck!

It sounds as if there is an issue with communication, but that it's a mismatch between your, quite unusual, way of communicating and them not really knowing how to handle you.

They were originally casual, the way anyone would be if they see toddlers bumping and bruising themselves on a daily basis. The pedantic escalation by email, about the difference between a bump and a scratch, rather than talking to them has put them on edge.

Now they've gone too far the other way, on an issue you originally raised with them (additional needs) and you have reacted strongly in the opposite direction by laughing at them.

I think you'll have the same issues if you move her, instead you could have a meeting where you actually talk, listen and try to hear what is being said. If you don't agree, do so respectfully and you'll be listened to. Other people are not always going to agree with you 100% on semantics or your child, and that's okay, but escalating minor miscommunications will cause problems later, especially at school, so use this as a chance to get used to talking about DD with someone less emotionally charged.

Good luck OP, it's not an easy age

Has she been assessed for SEN? Did anyone come out and see and assess her?

From your posts it sounds like you made a phone call to someone who laughed off concerns.

if that’s the case, it’s whoever you phoned that dismissed concerns of SEN so readily, without even seeing the child you need to focus your anger on, not the nursery.

i still don’t see how raising Sen concerns and a misinterpretation of “scratch” is making you “doubt your perception of reality”?

Thank you for this helpful advice

Thank you for this helpful advice. I don’t know if I’m on the spectrum. It’s never occurred to me. I think the difference in understanding is more to do with that English is not my first language and in hindsight the word scratch could have been a colloquialism that I misunderstood.

I was also worried that if u don’t address such things early they’ll either let it happen again or think u are a parent who doesn’t pay enough attention to ur kid.

It’s tough and I certainly don’t mean to offend and hope that I can learn from it and communicate better.

I spoke with the manager the other day and she understood where I was coming from. We went in for a social event today and it did few like both sides were making an effort to be mindful and kind to one another. I think as far as dealing with differences it’s been good to ‘mend’ things but it’s Christmas, I don’t know how that will translate into the new school term.

I don’t want to upset LO with getting to know a whole new set of people bc she loves it overall but it something I’d be willing to do if we can’t move past this in the new year. Luckily there’s no need to remain there for the next academic year

Agree with this. It’s very common for parents to react very badly when preschool mention their child having traits or behaviours of concern. I know because I’ve been there.

In my case I was fully aware of my child’s issues (he was quite significantly speech delayed at the time, and he was also not my first child so I knew he was different) but it was still upsetting to have them raise it with me.

For parents who find the news a bolt from the blue, and about their first child, the most common reaction seems to be anger and suspicion. The thing is, what’s in it from the preschool to invent problems that don’t exist?

At my local preschool, I remember a family who abruptly removed their child because staff had told them their boy looked to have some degree of SEN and could they put in a referral to the local SEN team. When our paths crossed again at primary school, the boy had been diagnosed with ADHD 🤷‍♀️

This sounds really constructive and I can see where the expression 'she scratched herself' may be concerning to a non native speaker who had never heard it before, particularly In writing or concerning a child.

It's funny because it infers a blameless minor accident but without that knowledge, sounds quite worrying. Just one of the little foibles of the English language! Understanding it's not your first language, I can see why you followed it up and am glad your mind is a bit more at rest now.

I'd say try to put this incident behind you, all are making an effort to communicate better, and start the new year afresh. That's not a bad outcome if your DC likes the nursery.

I share the reaction of other posters’ that your response to the “scratch” comment might have made you seem like a difficult and unreasonable parent to the school, which could be having some consequences for how they’re treating you now. Unfortunately, it sounds like your actions were the result of a genuine misunderstanding.

I don’t really see what the problem is with the SEN-related comments from the school, even if it turns out that they’re off base.

It sounds like trust and good will have broken down on both sides of the relationship, and moving your child to another setting may be best at this point.

No setting ever wants to do more work. If they've suggested any SEN just get it checked out. I'm a primary teacher and trust me it's easier to just say hello they're fine than suggest any kind of issue.
Particularly if there's just been a complaint/whatever you're calling it when they want to get you back on side.

Don't bother eith your HV. If I had a penny for every parent saying their child can't have any SEN at school because HV said they were fine at 2 during a half hour 1:1 appointment...