Help please-3 year old to be excluded from Reception

[twinkletoes20]

Hi, I really need some advice please. My 3 yr old DD has attended the nursery of a private school since Sept 2013 for half days (mon to fri). She is late August born. she initially struggled with tiredness and her behaviour suffered moderately during the settling in period. There were 4 separate biting incidents since Sept 2013 (biting 4 different children on separate unrelated occasions) which was a bit of a shock to us as she had never bitten anybody before. Re. the biting, i was horrified and mortified and called the parent of the bitten child to apologise (and all graciously accepted and insisted it wasn't a big deal). We also dealt with it by getting dd to make a sorry card for the child she had bitten and by repeatedly firmly telling her that biting was totally unacceptable and wrong. She definitely understands right from wrong. In addition to the biting, there were other smaller occasional incidents reported by her teacher (eg. Pushing, crankiness - again usually at the end of the session), and the odd tantrum/unwillingness to cooperate or petty behaviour such as on one occasion innocently painting another DD's face during arts and crafts). The teacher handled each incident in a manner if ways ranging from timeouts in another classroom, sending her to the headmistress (which was totally lost on my 3 year old dd!) and on a school trip she kicked a stranger who was standing near her). There were long periods of very good behaviour interrupted by random incidents described above. DD is considered very bright, sociable etc. albeit feisty and knows her own mind. On the last biting occasion, the head recommended she go for counselling to address the sporadic misbehaviour. I consulted a child psychologist who insisted we had nothing to worry about - not totally abnormal / alarming 3 year old behaviour in his opinion as long as we keep reinforcing message that its totally inappropriate which we go to great lengths about). Yesterday , I was called in by the head and teacher to say that DD's reception place for Sept would be withdrawn as it was in the school's best interests in light of her behaviour - I must add that there has been, I feel, a great deal of drama/over-reaction (except for biting incidents which were truly justified) relating to every trivial incident - my dd who us very perspective for her age, has no doubt picked up on many of the labels she has been inadvertently attributed. I didnt know what to say or how to react to that news- and am extremely upset and shocked by it all. we have on all occasions cooperated unbelievably with all the staff to help our dd address the behaviours and in our last PT mtg, it was observed that huge process had been made. I gently explained to dd that she wouldn't be able to go to her school in Sept and she is absolutely heartbroken (cried all the way home and wouldn't stop talking about it) - she loves her friends and really is happy at the school. I'm of the opinion that we should move on since the school clearly doesn't want her but OH is furious and thinks we should pursue this and get a proper explanation. However, at such short notice in the school year and with no viable state school options (which is why we opted for an independent school in the first place,what are our options? We are considering a move to another area with better state schools but I'm not optimistic about being offered an 'in year' place after Sept. since we've missed the deadline for this year's admissions and had accepted the reception place at her current school. to complicate matters, we have another baby on the way in Sept. I didn't grow up here and am so confused. I did call a few independent schools last week in light of the move we were considering anyway but was told zero chance of dd getting a place in Sept 2014. Can anybody offer any words of wisdom? Can anybody comment on school's decision to exclude dd from reception next year? I feel like such a failure as a mother. DD is adored, she is generally such a happy soul and I know she can be very wilful - we consistently strive to give her boundaries but I know in my heart that the negative aspects to her behaviour are all surmountable. i feel like the school has just decided she doesn't fit into whatever mould is expected and have given up on her ( one comment by the head as I was quite rudely rushed out of the meeting room was that we needed to hurry to wrap up our discussion as dd was probably biting or hitting someone while we were chatting - ridiculous!) ive always been very calm and polite with them but feel angry now. There was no suggestion to work together to find a solution - they said they felt they had exhausted all avenues. Many thanks.
Apols for typos - iPhone at 5am...

"The good news is that she can have that extra year and go to reception in 2015, it has recently been made very clear:"

That sounded to me like you thought it was something she could simply choose.

The school sounds horrible, doing time out is awful behaviour management.

Don't tell your dd she can't go there next year, tell her youve found a lovely school that you'd like to visit with her and emphasise all the fun that the kids there have. Make her feel a new school is a positive decision you have made, rather than something forced upon you both.

I am sorry it is all happening. Is it even legal to withdraw an offer - presumably you have already paid the deposit, so entered into a contract with the school? However, even if you can stay - probably best for all to find another solution.

Keep trying other private schools. Often places do open up as time goes on. DD1's "impossible to get into" school at assessment time had 2 spots in Reception as kids didn't show up in Sept. And people also moved during the year, so there were places here and there. Same in other private schools in the area.

In the meanwhile, I think you need to become more realistic about your DD's behaviour. You must realise that other parents do not want their kids to be subjected to a disruptive child in a school setting.

DD1, currently in Y1, has a girl in her class who is constantly in trouble. Luckily, there was no biting but in Reception she was into pinching. Parents are also of the attitude of "striving to establish boundaries" but quietly think that their daughter is "not that bad" and people are overreacting. That attitude helps no one, least of all their daughter. She barely has any friends and has a firm reputation of being the troublemaker.

Your daughter is still small and there is still time to fix whatever issues that are leading to her behaviour. At nearly 4yo biting repeatedly and kicking strangers is not OK. And, in my experience, it is normally not the child's fault, but comes from no consistency with discipline/consequences from bad behaviour at home.

Both of my DDs went through a boundaries testing phase and during that period spend some time crying in a "naughty corner". They don't always get along now, but know very firmly that hitting, etc is completely unacceptable in our house. And that misbehaviour ALWAYS leads to consequences, not just threats.

BTW birth of a sibling is only bound to make it all a lot worse, unfortunately. So, if you still have time - you need to start now.

You need to check the school's own rules on exclusion - it's unlikely they would have contravened rules they wrote but it's not impossible?

If you really had no inkling that exclusion was a possibility, then the school have handled this very badly.

Your only option is another school - could you put her in another nursery until the summer term and hope that a place would come available somewhere by then?

FWIW kids this age are very adaptable. you may be heartbroken that she's being separated from her friends, she probably isn't.

I have a little experience of a family in a similar situation. The school have been really good - involved the family, worked really hard with the child and he has made huge improvements. However, he's now coming up to entry for the junior school and the family have been advised to look for an alternative school if there aren't bigger improvements in the child's behaviour.
Even if you kept your DD's place in the school, I suspect you may end up in a similar situation.

Good luck, I hope you find a lovely school that suits your family better. I've had to take my dc's out of a school they were very happy in and it's heartbreaking, but they will move on very quickly.

As she is not of legal school attendance age and it is an independent school, they can ask a child to leave and are not obliged to offer a place in Reception. I doubt if there is a contract between the OP and the school that says a place in the school is guaranteed beyond the nursery. I think this is challenging behaviour but it is probably due to a pressurised nursery setting that does not suit. I think finding any suitable nursery and state school would be preferable. No time to lose but I would worry about her behaviour being worse when the new baby arrives.

If you can I would defer reception for a year with her being an Aug baby. I would then try and get her in a private nursery close to a state school in your catchment area for the local primary. I also wouldn't be put off with ofsted reports unless really bad. My dds school was outstanding satisfactory, good over the years I have been. DD3 is a July baby. Dd1+2 done 5 mornings in a playgroup. DD3 done 3 full school days and stayed for lunch and dues to his she coped well with reception, the other 2 struggled with the longer ay She loved her private nursery.

Sorry for typos as on phone. Not sure how you defer your pace and put them back a year or if you can. I would put her name down for you catchment area state primary for next September if you can and find another nursery til then

Oh yes now I remember my head saying they don't have to legally start school till they are 5 when I asked to take her on holiday in term time for 2 weeks in reception

Pay private but they can get rid of you at the drop of a hat if they don't want the hassle. Jump into state school as most are actually great and they are brilliant at managing highly spirited children ! Save yourself a fortune and get a happy child. I have an extremely spirited DD - her worst incident (rare now) was when she had a head to head with a very old fashioned TA !!

It has always been legal for a child to be educated outside their year cohort I. H state secotr.

The latest statement says only that LEAs must not have a blanket policy of refusal, but must consider each case individually.

That does not mean it will become any easier to secure an out-of-cohort place. Unless your DC has significant SENs which can only (or by far the best) be met by being placed in a different cohort,hither answer wil, still be no.

Unless/until your LEA has agreed to placement in a different year group, do not plan solely on the basis that it will be achievable.