Hello!
I'm not new here but it's been a long time (about two years) since I've posted and that was under a different name. Anyway, introductions over, time for my question.
My ds, three and a half, has been very slow to toilet train when it comes to his poos. He's great with his weeing, takes himself off to the toilet and the like, dry at night and so on. But despite trying a gentle laissez-faire approach (which worked for weeing), then when that didn't work, followed by lots of rewards for trying (as he hadn't even done one on the toilet at that point) and finally screaming at him like a banshee, he continuously soils his underpants.
To me, this is a developmental thing, he's just later than a lot of other kids, it's not a huge issue at home, and just as he was coming up to nursery he had - finally - started to do one or two poos in the potty, and at least, had started to tell me regularly, immediately he soiled himself.
The nursery said that if a child wasn't fully toilet trained, they'd give them additional support (taking them every half hour), so I asked for this on the home visit. Well, come the first day, I dropped him off, having failed to persuade him to do a poo beforehand, he was fine about saying goodbye, no tears and the like.
But when I got back to pick him up, I was asked to stay behind with one other parent, and it felt very much like "stand in the naughty corner". My ex husband (ds' Dad) had come with me and we both felt the same (he is much less sensitive than me so if he felt like that... y'know?)
The nursery teacher made a big point of telling us that ds had soiled himself "and didn't even seem to care". Well, at home ds really does care, in fact, he's quite upset about it. I told her this, and that he'd done one or two in the toilet recently, and that he needed reminding and taking, and she said "well, one or two in a toilet is hardly toilet trained is it?"
I have to be completely honest. I went home and I told ds off, I really lost it, I screamed at him, about which I feel horribly guilty. I must admit, I'm fed up with this whole toilet training thing; I know ds is just taking a little longer on this one developmental thing and I do totally understand that a child that soils himself is a really difficult thing for a nursery to deal with, but I don't like the way I felt humiliated (the other Mum who was there, whose dd had wet herself, said she felt similarly). As if somehow by doing that I would Buck My Ideas Up and Train Him Immediately (like I haven't been trying that!)
I want to ask a few things. First, is this normal? Do lots of nurseries do this? And (I guess, I hate to say it but...) AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this? (Does MN still have the epic AIBU threads it did a few years ago?) But also, any tips on getting him to poo in the blasted toilet? I mean, pre-nursery, it was slowly starting to happen... (also it's not helped by the fact he's with me afternoons as I work mornings, when he's not with me his with ex-MIL, and some evenings / nights he's at his Dad's too, and I'm not sure this has helped him learning to use the toilet)
And finally, if this continues, and if I do feel that I'm not getting support from the nursery that I need, how easy/difficult is it to change to a different one? I realise a child who isn't completely potty trained is difficult to deal with but I'd hope for a bit more support and a bit less of a telling off!