SCBU, guilt at going home - how to handle it?

[stillfrazzled]

DS2 born last Tues by emCS, 35+3 and only 3lbs 5ozs due to IUGR.

He's tiny, but lovely and doing well - only getting nutrition and monitoring now, no medical treatment as such.

He responds to us, we adore him utterly and would spend every minute in SCBU if we could, but DH has to go back to work next week, I can't drive due to CS, and most importantly we have DS1, who's 3.6 and needs some semblance of normal life.

Today we were at the hosp from 10am-5pm but now feeling sh*tty because it's so long till 10am tomorrow. DH went to hosp and spent the evening there last night, and will try to go every other night, but he's knackered from looking after us all.

We've got to keep this up for prob a month at least. How do you find a balance?

Hi stillfrazzled just wanted to pop back on and say I'm still thinking of you.

I was also obsessed with weight. It was the first thing I checked when I went in in the morning. I think that when the babies are weighed every day there are bound to be little blips.

Try not to worry. I agree that it's a marathon not a sprint and unfortunately at times that will involve rubbish days. It sounds like the trend is good. His feeding sounds fab. My DD was the equivalent of 35 and a bit weeks gestation before she would take a bottle, and 38 weeks before she took the breast. So please give yourself a pat on the back. You are doing well.

Big hugs to you, your DH and your lovely boys.

xxx

Hi there,

Thank you, really needed to read this. Had a slightly discouraging day, got to hosp at 6.45am to do DS2's feed which went OK.

He's on four-hourly regime, and tube fed inbetween bf, so I hung around to do the 3pm one, too.

Like a twat I expressed an hour before because I was due, and then he was so sleepy and didn't take much at all and I think it's because I expressed off all the foremilk which would have been easy for him to get.

feel like a right idiot, we only get two chances a day to do this and I waited all day and then blew it.

Being so bloody tired doesn't help (awake till midnight, up at 3am to express, up at 5.30am to get ready to go to hosp).

Oh, don't beat yourself up stillfrazzled

It's so hard to know when to express. When I was trying to bf DD, if I hadn't expressed close enough to our feed, I would be too engorged and she wouldn't be able to latch on because my boob would be too full. The nurses said it was like trying to bite into a watermelon for DD.

It really is so hard to judge it right.

It's so tiring, I remember. People used to tell me how lucky I was to have her in hospital so I could rest. Apart from wanting to slap people for suggesting I should be happy to have a poorly DD, it did annoy me as there's nothing restful about all that expressing and spending all your waking hours thinking about and feeling guilty about DD.

Have another virtual hug!!

Just wanted to say that DS2 born at 30 weeks didn't breastfeed in hospital at all. I breastfed my older two so thought it would happen easily even though he was premature.

DS was discharged at 38 weeks and I was still expressing all his feeds. It just wore him out to try to breastfeed even though I spent a week rooming in trying to get it going. I drove myself a bit mad actually.

The tube had to be out for him to go home so I bottle fed the expressed milk and worried he would get used to the bottle and not want the breast.

When we got home, we went to bed for two days - lots of skin-to-skin, lots of cuddles. By the end he was breastfeeding and we never looked back.

I think I'm driving myself a bit mad, too.

Have spent quite a lot of the morning either sobbing or wanting to, because he lost 10g overnight (as has been pointed out, possibly through weeing) and fell asleep again on the breast so small feed.

It does wear him out, but even with fortifers he's not putting on much weight so how's he going to get stronger?

Am worried that bm is substandard. Drs keep saying he just needs to fatten up, but it's not happening and I feel responsible. Also, I start trying to feed half an hour before tube feed due, and if not happening by then he HAS to have tube feed.

Feeling lots of pressure, some undoubtedly self-inflicted but I don't know how you're supposed to chill out about these things.

Have you talked to a breastfeeding counsellor? Early on with DS2, one came to see me and just said he is not ready. Hard to hear but I stopped trying for a week or so, he used his energy to get bigger and we had lots of cuddles instead.

I remember feeling as though time was slipping away from us - that if it didn't happen now, it would never happen. But I was wrong.

One of the hardest things was to see mums with babies who were littler and born earlier than him breastfeeding easily. I couldn't understand why it wasn't happening for us.

See what I did! I'm on baby 3 - you would think i would have learned not to compare them by now. DS2 heaviest and tallest of my 3 and he breastfed the longest. I couldn't have imagined that when he was in the NICU. Hope this helps.

It does, thank you. Haven't spoken to the bf counsellor yet, mostly due to timing, but will do ASAP.

Comparisons are so hard NOT to make but so meaningless, aren't they? Babies are all there for different reasons and at different stages but we all still keep tabs...

Hi stillfrazzled
I just wanted to check in and see how you and your DSs are doing.
I've been thinking about you and hope all is going well.

Hey hey,

It is going well - DS2 came home today! Spent two days rooming in with him and basically just feeding, he put on a whole 15g and we were allowed to go home this arvo.

We have, I suspect, already ruined the routine SCBU had got him into (four hourly feeds and self-soothing) - he's just spent most of the evening snacking and yells whenever he's put down. Ah well. We'll get there...

Thanks again for all the thoughts and advice (and any extra thoughts on trying not to turn him into a Velcro baby who snacks every 45 mins would be v much appreciated... ).

Just spotted this thread and want to say WELL DONE for getting through the SCBU experience and for getting home.

If you're feeling lonely (I found it quite hard after my son came home) look up whether there is a local Bliss support group you could visit (on www.bliss.org.uk, then under support for families) - they're run by parents and usually pretty good. If you can't get out the house or there isn't one near you then the message board is full of lovely mums (like mumsnet but all with prem/sick baby experience) - its at www.blissmessageboard.org.uk)

I know what you mean about ruining the SCBU routine - although Nathan always slept really well since coming home and I think he learnt this in hospital. My only tip would be do whatever works for you - some mums love to carry their baby around all the time in a sling and others prefer to do controlled crying or delayed reassurance techniques to get the baby happy to self settle.

Remember that coming home is a big change in environment for your son, and sometimes the first few days are the hardest until they settle in to the joy of being at home with mummy full time.

let us know how you get on and good luck!

Wow! I was just about to write a big long post about our experience of NICU, but I see there's no need! That's brilliant!

Enjoy, and well done. :)

So glad to see he's home, congratulations. And well done on the breastfeeding. I never managed it for dd2, ended up expressing for six months (exhausting). But she still had breast milk so I think it was okay. Take it one day at a time and make sure you rest, you must be shattered with it all. Hope you and your ds continue to do well.

I'm so pleased for you and your family. The relief - and terror - of getting them home and being able to settle them into normal family life is amazing.

I wonder what the statistics are on breastfeeding starting at home rather than in NICU. It would have saved me a lot of angst if I'd known other mums had done it. But I guess that's what Mumsnet's for

So pleased for you all stillfrazzled

My DD was fairly quickly out of the SCBU routine and yes was a total Velcro baby when she 'woke up' at about 38 weeks ish (by that I mean she would have been 38 weeks gestation). Prior to that she was sleepy prem baby.

We just went with it. We had weeks of her not being willing to sleep unless lying on me. But I just took the view that plenty of term babies are like that when newborn, and also viewed it as catching up on the cuddles we had missed out on.

It was easier for me as she is DC1

Congrats on the feeding too. You have done so well. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Oh and eyeofthestorm I totally agree with you. When DD was in SCBU one of the other mums had had previous prem babies and was very vocal about waiting till she was home to establish BF. I took my 'courage' from her. It's not something which was ever spoken about by the nurses etc

Hi stillfrazzled, congrats at having your baby home! If the BF doesn't work out then please don't worry, I managed for a month after DS1 being home and then switched to FF as there was not enough coming through. I felt rotten but my fab HV sat with me for a long time then told me it was feeding the baby that was most important and that my body obviously wasn't ready due to stress/preemie/c-section and not to worry.

He was a velcro for the first 6 weeks but has settled down now, sleeps from 7pm - 12am then through till 5/6am so hang in there!x