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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Muslim Moroccan friend pregnant and partner doesn't want the baby and get married

28 replies

TheresaWa · 17/09/2022 08:26

My friend European-Moroccan grown up in Europe with traditional parents. She was living with guy (European-Moroccan grown up in Morocco but with modern parents for some issues and traditional for other). They met in an European city and she moved with him during the pandemic. Obviously her parents don't know.

She told
Him from the very beginning that her parents were traditional and she would need to get married soon-ish. He wanted to marry her last summer but his parents were against and they made her life miserable for a while. Her boyfriend and his parents visited her parents but they didn't arrange a wedding at the end. For the past 3 years he has never given her respect, position in front of his parents as he is afraid of his mum and both of them
Manipulate him
Quite easily.
They broke up few months ago and then she moved with him. She found she was pregnant few days ago. They talked and he wanted to have the baby with her and he would get married. He was so excited about it that he told his parents and the nightmare started. They have been talking to him and it gets married with her, he will against his parents and he wants her to interrupt the pregnancy. Nobody knows from her side and she is alone I'm not her European country and I'm the only one who knows. I tried to make her understand he wasn't right for her many times (sorry that I can't tell you here many many examples), but she continued with him. She can't be a single mum and she doesn't want to have an abortion. Any help? Thanks

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 17/09/2022 08:30

Sounds like she will either be a single mum or have an abortion.
Those are her choices at this point
She should have realised how this would go having see how weak and controlled by his family this man is but I suppose she hoped things would Ha he.
Unfortunately termination may be the best option so she can dump this person and move on with her life

Hoppinggreen · 17/09/2022 08:30

Things would change that should say

HipsterCoffeeShop · 17/09/2022 08:32

He's not going to marry her.

She is going to be a single mum or she needs to have a termination.

Quveas · 17/09/2022 08:33

She cannot force somebody to marry her, and even if she could, does she really think this man will make a good husband? Her choices are limited to being a single parent or an abortion.

wakinguptosunshine · 17/09/2022 08:40

Did she think he would be forced to marry her if she got pregnant?

SuperCamp · 17/09/2022 08:46

Being trapped in an unhappy abusive marriage with responsibility for a child is an even worse outcome.

He will not marry her. If he is somehow forced to by family pressure it will condemn her to tears of abuse and unhappiness.

If she is 100% against a termination and cannot be a single mother would she consider having the baby and giving it up for adoption?

Personally I think a termination and a fresh start, away from this man, is her best option, but we each make our own decision.

Unfortunately she needs to face the fact that there is no happy ending to her current situation. No magic spell that will turn her useless hypocritical partner into a Prince.

If I was her friend I would try and get her focussed on the longer term. How will her life be in 3 , 5 or 10 years if she has a baby. And how will her life unfold , what future options does she have if she has a termination?

Kennykenkencat · 17/09/2022 08:46

he wants her to interrupt the pregnancy

How do you interrupt a pregnancy

You can’t stop being pregnant and resume the pregnancy at a later date.

She can't be a single mum and she doesn't want to have an abortion

The only other option is adoption

I think this guy is ruled by his parents. But I also think she is as well.

I think they are both very similar. On the surface they live a very European life style but when it comes to taking their relationship to the next level either by marriage or children they both defer to their parents and traditions.

JustTheOneSwan · 17/09/2022 08:49

There isn't a happy ever after here.
She has to take him out of the equation and decide on the thing she is in control of.
Terminate, give up the baby or single parent.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 17/09/2022 08:57

@Kennykenkencat surely it's obvious that the OP is not writing in their first language..? We all know what is meant.

RedHelenB · 17/09/2022 08:57

HipsterCoffeeShop · 17/09/2022 08:32

He's not going to marry her.

She is going to be a single mum or she needs to have a termination.

Or consider adoption.

StrikeandRobin · 17/09/2022 09:09

@Kennykenkencat no need for the twattish comments. Everyone else knows what op means.

Original poster

TheresaWa · 17/09/2022 09:21

wakinguptosunshine · 17/09/2022 08:40

Did she think he would be forced to marry her if she got pregnant?

He said to her he would get married in order to keep the baby but then he changed his mind

OP posts:

Sswhinesthebest · 17/09/2022 09:26

Whatever decision she makes, it must be with the understanding he won’t marry her.
She might not like the options but she has to pick one.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/09/2022 10:02

If he doesn't wish to marry her then she cannot force him. Is he wanting to leave her or does he want to stay and support her through the pregnancy but without marriage?

If he’s not wanting to stay then unfortunately it sounds like she is going to have to make a difficult decision and decide whether she could go through with being a single mum or whether it is better to terminate the pregnancy. Not an easy decision but she won’t be the first or the last woman to be in that position and either way she will get through it.

IsABajan · 17/09/2022 10:10

But if she aborts the baby would he be spiteful and tell her family? I'm thinking she could abort and keep it a secret from her family and cut ties with him because he sounds flaky as hell but I hope he won't make her life miserable because she aborted

I feel for your friend OP. She must be so scared

hewouldwouldnthe · 17/09/2022 10:40

Her best option is to have an abortion and dump him

ReturnfromtheStars · 17/09/2022 11:08

Which country? Someone from that country may be able to advise about help a single parent can get.
Does she have a support network and friends? A stable job? What are her main reasons not wanting to be a single parent? (I totally understand she doesn't want to just trying to understand if it's a fear of the unknown, stigma from community or an absolute no wish for children alone).

CherryGenoa · 17/09/2022 11:15

If she’s really determined to not abort or be a single parent, she could suggest couples counselling to him, but even if he agrees to this and then commits to the relationship, he sounds easily led and may yet leave your friend a single parent in the future. Having an abortion would give your friend more control of the situation and unfortunately is probably the wisest course of action. She could have the baby and get it adopted but this is not an easy route emotionally, and as the baby’s father he may have rights over the child, depending on where they live.

wakinguptosunshine · 17/09/2022 11:21

If she keeps the baby her family would likely disown her, given their traditional background. Her boyfriend changed his mind about keeping the baby which would suggest his family somehow got involved. As sad as it is, she has to accept that she has to get rid of that man child and go it alone (whatever she decides to do with regards to keeping the baby or not).

wakinguptosunshine · 17/09/2022 11:25

Maybe the reason she doesn't want to have an abortion is because of religious belief.

Hoppinggreen · 17/09/2022 11:50

wakinguptosunshine · 17/09/2022 11:25

Maybe the reason she doesn't want to have an abortion is because of religious belief.

Fair enough but she will be a single parent then

Kennykenkencat · 18/09/2022 08:00

StrikeandRobin · 17/09/2022 09:09

@Kennykenkencat no need for the twattish comments. Everyone else knows what op means.

I fail to see how my comments are “twattish”

I think the word “interupt” in the conversation was used to make it sound a less permanent option. I have a single parent Muslim friend who’s bf used similar language as he knew she would never abort and it was his way to suggest abortion without saying the word.

His gf though is saying she doesn’t want an abortion or to be a single parent which would only leave adoption but I think even that wouldn’t be something she wanted because really the issue is she doesn’t want to be pregnant at this moment in time but doesn’t want an abortion
Being a single parent or the adoption route is way off in the future.

The gf does have to come to a decision though and if she does abort I would be worried that someone would tell her parents anyway

Umbuster · 20/09/2022 19:09

Hi OP. I’m not sure if you’re Muslim but this is a very difficult situation your friend is in. No Muslim will tell her to have an abortion. She knows as a Muslim woman that she shouldn’t have been having premarital sex or living with her boyfriend. The reason she doesn’t want an abortion is because she knows it is categorically forbidden in Islam, especially for the reason she would want want to use to justify it (having a baby out of wedlock). I’m sure she recognizes she was already committing a sin by sleeping with him and now she will be committing an even bigger sin by killing this innocent baby. Islamically, the only thing she can do is have the baby, cut ties with this jerk, and raise it as a single mom. But she most likely won’t do that because it will taint her and her entire family within the Moroccan community. These are cultural idiosyncrasies that are hard for outsiders to understand. She’s in a very tough position and her boyfriend and his family are complete cowards and jerks.

CherryGenoa · 20/09/2022 19:23

@Umbuster you are right, but your poor friend is still left with trying to decide which of several unpalatable options to go for. Maybe her discussing this will a qualified counsellor face to face would be the best course of action. Could you help her find someone suitable who she feels comfortable talking to? Maybe help with the cost if she cannot afford it?

CherryGenoa · 20/09/2022 19:23

Sorry the OP’s friend, not your friend.

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