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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

I can't keep this baby, can I?

28 replies

whatamess2022 · 08/05/2022 20:27

I am recently divorced (last year) with a 4yo. Exh is extremely unpleasant and we'll likely be heading to court soon over residence arrangements for our daughter.

I have a new partner who is wonderful and I know we have something strong, but it's clearly far too early to introduce my daughter to him. I've just found out I'm pregnant...there's no way I can keep this baby is there? It would be absolutely wrong for my daughter. I have had my nupas consultation and am waiting to receive the medication, but I feel like I'm not even considering how I could make it work if I kept it and so maybe I'm doing it a disservice... There's no way it could ever be a reasonable decision to continue, right?

Not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by posting this...

OP posts:

Inthesameboatatmo · 08/05/2022 20:29

Sorry you are going through all this op. Its a tough decision but one that only you can make. You know what's right for you right now. All the best.

SpiderVersed · 08/05/2022 20:29

I agree - a new baby with a partner you’ve only been with a short time would be so destabilising for your 4 year old.

Prioritise the child you already have over any potential future children.

IhateJan22 · 08/05/2022 20:33

Does your partner know yet? What does he think? You might regret not keeping. Are you sure you can’t balance your daughters needs with a new baby if you’ve got a supportive partner?

Original poster

whatamess2022 · 08/05/2022 20:33

Thank you both. I know it would be totally wrong for my daughter, she'd have just settled into reception when this baby would be due. Not to mention having to rush her getting to know my partner. I absolutely immediately ruled out keeping it as soon as I found out (and partner fully supports putting my daughter first) but I just had a nagging feeling that I was being overly dismissive of any other option. @SpiderVersed I agree I need to prioritise my daughter. Thank you @Inthesameboatatmo for your kind words.

OP posts:

Jalepenojello · 08/05/2022 20:33

I think you’re right. Your daughter needs you to put her first right now and this would turn her world upside down and she’s already gone through so much. I also don’t think it’s wise to tie yourself for life to a man you’ve not been dating long when you’re still working out arrangements with your ex. Sorry you’re in this situation OP.

Original poster

whatamess2022 · 08/05/2022 20:35

@IhateJan22 yes he knows, and while he says he looks forward to having a family with me in the future (if possible), and we're both sad about the timing, he agrees it's right to put my daughter first. I have no doubt that he would make everything as positive as possible if we went ahead, but it's still not right for my daughter no matter how well we manage things

OP posts:

Andromachehadabadday · 08/05/2022 20:35

You can keep the baby. You can do that.

but I agree it’s far too soon and it could have a negative impact on your child.

There was an almost identical thread last year. Op decided to keep the baby. The great new guy, who she knew was forever, who wanted to marry her and buy a house for them all, couldn’t hack the situation with the nasty ex.

The op didn’t have the baby, but I can’t remember if she had a miscarriage or decided not to continue with the pregnancy. But when she came back a while later, it was all very sad for her and her dd. It might be worth you searching it up.

I am sure loads of people will say your dd she will be fine. But it’s not a risk I would take. I wouldn’t risk my existing childrens well being.

Original poster

whatamess2022 · 08/05/2022 20:38

@Andromachehadabadday gosh sounds like a terrible situation not sure I'd be able to read about it in this current state! Thank you for the words of warning though.

@Jalepenojello thank you, you're right. Everything is very precarious at the moment.

OP posts:

ShaneTwane · 08/05/2022 20:38

Do what is right for you op. Do you want to keep it? If yes then you make it work. It will be tough but it's perfectly do able.

If you don't feel like now is the right time and it's not what you want then absolutely the best thing for you is to abort if you wish.

Might be worth speaking to a trained person though to work through your feelings rather than MN who will have many pro choice people pushing you to definitely have an abortion even if deep down it's not really what you want. Only you can decide what's best for you and your situation.

RedWingBoots · 08/05/2022 20:40

First remember if you don't want this baby regardless of the reasons you don't need to have it. It is completely up to you.

Secondly if you want this baby and are prepared to be single parent to two children then have it. It is completely up to you.

Also remember your ex has absolutely nothing to do with this child if you have it. If he's stupid enough to come anywhere near the child or threaten to them, he will get shit from the Family Court and possibly the criminal justice system.

Your daughter won't care even if your ex is nasty as long as a big deal is made of her being a big sister before and immediately after the baby is born by everyone else and if you stay with your partner he gives time for her to bond with her sibling.

Finally get counseling to help you understand whatever decision you make is the right decision for your circumstances now.

Original poster

whatamess2022 · 08/05/2022 20:41

@ShaneTwane thank you. It would be lovely to keep it (and my daughter is begging for a little sibling!) but I already carry a lot of guilt over how her life is now post-divorce and I don't think I could bring myself to do anything that makes that more difficult for her while she's still so young and adjusting. Which is what I'd immediately concluded anyway, but I felt like I needed to sound it out anonymously as I don't want to bother my partner with it (and give him false hope) and my friends don't know.

OP posts:

anywhichwaytoo · 08/05/2022 20:43

Have a termination now, doesn't mean you can't have another baby with your new partner in time

PortiaFimbriata · 08/05/2022 20:47

Sounds like your gut instinct was very clear and immediate.

aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2022 21:05

Personally I don't think this means you can't have the baby, people have had babies in worse situations and it's been fine. But you don't have to if you don't want to. It's your choice.

Piglet80 · 08/05/2022 21:13

But why does it automatically mean she will be affected negatively? I mean children adapt super fast, she will never have a full sibling so its the next best thing

Cindie943811A · 08/05/2022 21:15

OP you may find that your ex may use the fact of your having a unplanned pregnancy so early in your new relationship, against you. In fact he is almost bound to insinuate that it is evidence of your lack of stability, ability to prioritise your daughter’s needs — etc etc etc because he’ll grasp at anything that he thinks can put him in a better light as the responsible parent.
This shouldn’t be the sole reason to decide on a termination, but you need to take it into consideration.

Original poster

whatamess2022 · 08/05/2022 21:21

@Piglet80 it's the fact that I would be rushing her into getting to know the new partner. Plus we've just settled into our new home which would not have space for baby plus partner, which means more upheaval for her. Of course a new baby in a few years (although I'm getting on a bit now...) would be lovely for her but only once she's used to her new normal. Urgh, 'she will never have a full sibling' is such a sad thing to think

@Cindie943811A you're right that my ex would absolutely use this against me in every way possible and it could cause more difficulties for my daughter as a result. It's definitely a huge part of what's stopping me considering any other option while things are so up in the air with reaching an official agreement with exh.

OP posts:

bobbingalongside · 08/05/2022 21:21

OP, why can't you abort now and have another baby with this new partner, if he really is the one, further down the line?

I would abort and put my daughter first. Not a clump of cells. She deserves that. Transitioning into school, plus all that's going on - There will be big emotions for a very small person and a new baby really isn't right if she doesn't really even know your new partner

Original poster

whatamess2022 · 09/05/2022 07:22

@bobbingalongside yes you're right, I do need to think about it as a clump of cells I think rather than the potential of what it could become. It's so hard feeling all the symptoms knowing that I can't get excited about them like I did for my daughter.

I'm 35 now so I don't know if we'd manage to conceive again a few years down the line but that's a risk I'll have to take I think.

OP posts:

Sunshine1235 · 09/05/2022 07:46

Reading your original post it strikes me that you want a reason to keep it and that maybe the reason your posting is so someone can convince you it’s ok to keep this baby.

If you keep it it it will be ok, it might not be ideal and that are lots of ways it could be difficult but I think having an abortion that you don’t really want and the affect that could have on your own mental health or relationship are also serious considerations. Some positives

your daughter going to school means practically you won’t be juggling the two throughout the day and will get some time to rest when the baby sleeps etc
your daughter is still young so as they grow up they will be relatively close in age, any future babies there will be an increased age gap so they’ll be less likely to be play mates
a new baby can bring a lot of joy and help you and your daughter move past the difficulties of the past and enjoy being a little family together

Also I think you can still take time with your new partner and daughter, the baby isn’t due for another 5-6 months so you can wait, you don’t even need to move in with him when the baby comes, have you got any family who can support you? I know it’s not ideal and I’m sure there would be some really hard times, but aborting a baby you actually really want isn’t necessarily the best decision even if it feels like the one you should take.

KangFang · 09/05/2022 08:15

You can, if you want to.
I would not, though.

Threebutterflies · 09/05/2022 15:29

@Sunshine1235
what a brilliant post and advice you gave !
I personally would say have the baby but also a termination is fine if your sure that’s the best thing to do . If your 35 now and your daughter is 4 it would be a nice age gap . Then if you decide this is your last baby then your family is complete.

Neverreturntoathread · 09/05/2022 15:38

You can keep it if you want to OP.

If your daughter wants a sibling and you would like another child, and you’re already 35, then I would keep the baby. There is no guarantee that you’ll be able to have another in your late thirties (I couldn’t).

You assume that a baby would be destabilising for your daughter. I think that is always the case. Every child I know went through a rough patch (bedwetting / bad behaviour etc) when they had a sibling. Personally, I think a sibling appearing too soon is way better for your daughter than no sibling at all.

Should you keep it? Only you can decide. Can you keep it? Absolutely.

Original poster

whatamess2022 · 23/05/2022 07:24

I decided to go ahead as it's just not a realistic option right now to go ahead. I'm no doubt going to be in court with abusive exh in the next few months over arrangements for my daughter and there's no space in my new house (that me and my daughter have just settled into) for a baby. Nevermind all the considerations around the impact on my daughter. I'd managed to rationalise it all but I'm standing here staring at the first tablet and it's making me feel really sick and panicky

OP posts:

Original poster

whatamess2022 · 23/05/2022 07:25

Sorry, I mean decided to go ahead with the abortion as it's not realistic to continue pregnancy.

OP posts:

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