Have an 8 month old and pregnant again. Should I have an abortion?

[lydiaO101]

Hi all,

Just looking for some advise really.

I currently have an 8 month old DS and he is the most happy, content little boy.

I have just found out that I'm pregnant again and so badly want to be happy about it but I am so worried that DS is going to be pushed out and I'll miss him growing up. I'm also due to start a new job next week so I know I won't get maternity pay which is another massive worry and feel so bad having to start and tell them that I'm pregnant.

Does anyone think it would be better to get an abortion now (I'm about 4 weeks) and wait a couple of years until DS is bigger or continue with the pregnancy?

Thank you

@TheGriffle my new job is 2 nights a week so would be a possibility to go back go work after about 6 months and not have to worry about childcare so that helps. I feel bad for going to my new job pregnant but then I guess these things do happen

I was pregnant with DD2 when DD1 was 7 months old, OP. And my DH died before DD2’s first birthday.
I still managed to bring them up alone and earn a living. Having them close together in age really helped, as they played together, were at the same stage for interests and outings, and I got the nappy/toilet training stage over in one go.
Your decision has to be the right one for you, rather than influenced by any of us on here, but please don’t imagine your elder child will suffer by having a close sibling.
They may be initially jealous/resentful but will soon love having a playmate, and will benefit hugely from learning to share and take turns.

Thanks to everyone who's given advice so far. We're moving this thread over to our Pregnancy Choices topic now at the OP's request.

@lalalalands

I honestly don't mean to be harsh or insensitive and am obviously not in the same situation myself, but these threads make me so sad. I can never understand how someone could terminate a baby when they've already had one- doesn't it make you feel as if you would be terminating someone just as precious as your DS? Whenever there are debates about abortion it's all about rape, abuse, medical problems etc, in comparison money and sibling worries are much more mundane issues.

You may not mean to be insensitive, but it comes across that way.

Can you honestly not think of a single reason someone who has a child wouldn't want to have any more? If so, you are quite lucky.

Just coming in from a different angle here, to give a different viewpoint. I found out I was pregnant again when DS was 9 months old and I opted for an abortion. I'd just gone back to work and was ready to get my career back on track, and I was loving my time with DS as a toddler. Financially it would have been difficult too - I was paying £500 a month for childcare and couldn't afford to pay more for a second child. I also couldn't afford another maternity leave as our savings had been used up first time around.

Everyone is in such a different position with different situations to consider. DS is nearly 3 now and I've actually decided not to have any more children at all as it's better for our future, so it worked out for the best! Whatever decision you make for you, will be the right one.

It really is your choice re the termination and I am very much pro-choice.

I was in a similar position many years ago and although very difficult at the time, eventually it was very good because they were close in age and on a similar level for the early years activities and when one stage ended it was not long before it ended for the second. So basically no having to go back to the baby stage after just finishing it with one.

This happened to me. I started a new job, after not working for 18 months looking after my daughter. I only only been in the job, 2 months, then found out l was expecting again. I felt awful and dreaded telling work, but they were fine about it. You do, what’s right for you.💐

I can never understand how someone could terminate a baby when they've already had one- doesn't it make you feel as if you would be terminating someone just as precious as your DS?

An abortion is not terminating a baby

money and sibling worries are much more mundane issues.

Your username is quite fitting, you really do live in la la land.

There’s only 15 months between my Gdcs 1 and 2. Obviously hard work at first but the elder was not really old enough to be jealous - can’t ever remember being without the other. They’re great friends, play together nicely (most of the time!) and are often snuggled up together in the same bed, like puppies.
Plus they enjoy the same sort of activities.
So lots of pluses. Two lots of childcare fees needed for a while was admittedly one fairly big negative.

I can only comment on the age gap but mine are 18 months apart (I got pregnant when the first was 9 months) and they have been very close.
Ds was so loving and protective of his little sister when she was tiny. I’d love to have had more dc, but I’ve enjoyed the advantages that come with having dc at more or less the same life stage.
I might be unusual too in that I find it much easier to have 2 dc than one. I felt like I owed ds 100% of my time and attention, but when I couldn’t possibly give him that with sibling, I chilled out and became a much better mum.
It’s not all roses obviously- at times they are each other’s worst enemies 😂 but they are very close, and play with each other’s friends and look out for each other.
When dd was born I made a habit of baby talking to her about how marvellous her brother was because she could only understand the tone but he could understand the words, so he was never jealous of her.

I can’t advise you on the financial side of things, and at the end of the day only you can judge what is right for your family. But I really don’t think a small age gap is a bad thing.

No of course I can think of reasons. I just can't understand why these (especially more mundane ones that can be resolved in some way) would be more important than the baby. When I had DD I found her so perfect and such a miracle. So I think if I were unexpectedly pregnant and considering an abortion I would now always remember this feeling of how much of a miracle DD is, and how could I ever have terminated her for any reason, no matter how sensible it would have felt at the time. Clearly it doesn't matter at all what I think and feel, as it's the OP's own choice. I just can't understand it, how someone who has experienced the whole miracle of it once, can be so dismissive of it later on, for comparatively much more mundane reasons. Doesn't have any bearing on the OP that I can't understand it of course. I just find it generally puzzling!

Sorry that was @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I have a friend with children 11 months apart! And my daughter's eldest two are 19 months apart. It's hard work when they are little but well worth it and much more fun for them than having a sibling far removed in years.

@lydiao101 my dd was 7 months old when I found out I was pregnant. I had all the same concerns as you and I cried a lot about it but I had the baby and honestly it's been really amazing! My toddler absolutely loves her little sister and the bond they have already is so so lovely to see.

The baby is now 7months old and seeing them interact with each other brings me so much joy!

Obviously it's been hard at times having two but honestly me and dh were talking the other day and decided that if we were to have more children then we would want to have the same age gap!!

I build it up in my head that this was going to be so hard and that I wouldn't manage but it's not half as hard as you think and I really love it!

The first thing my toddler says when she wakes up is "see sister" and she always wants to include her in the things we do so I definitely don't think she feels pushed out by her little sister.

Also I do make sure I have one on one time with her so I'll take her to the park while the baby stays with dh or we will go for a little walk together etc and then even at home we have time just the two of us when the baby is napping we will paint or colour/play etc.

Sorry this is so long already but just wanted to add I also felt bad about work and they were amazing about it, very supportive so you never know your work hopefully will be the same.

I'm pro choice but in your situation, I think I'd go ahead. I actually think whilst a small age gap is initially hard, long term it's actually easier and lovely for them to have a playmate of a similar age. I wouldn't worry about your ds feeling pushed out. Money is a bigger worry imo but not insurmountable

@lalalalands it's a fair point of view, but for a lot of women it's not really a miracle. It certainly wasn't for me! I have friends who gave birth and couldn't wait to do it again and I thought they were insane, how someone can be pregnant and give birth and want to go through it again. The very opposite of your opinion on it, but we all have such different experiences.

OP the fact that you're debating it enough to post on here for opinions makes me think you might regret not going through with it. Did you plan to have more children anyway? If so, as others have posted, a small age gap might not be so bad.

@lydiaO101 you’re in a good position then, do you have a supportive partner?

If the only negatives you can think of is your new job (not your problem, you’re not the first and won’t be the last that’s started a new job pregnant) and your child feeling pushed out by a sibling (they won’t, they won’t remember a time they weren’t there) then they don’t seem like solid reasons to not continue the pregnancy.

Is you’re mental health ok, could you cope with 2 little ones? Do you have any other support from friends/family?

I imagine it will be tough but doable, lots of people plan this sort of age gap.

Good luck in what you decide.

[quote WalkingOnStarshine]@lalalalands it's a fair point of view, but for a lot of women it's not really a miracle. It certainly wasn't for me! I have friends who gave birth and couldn't wait to do it again and I thought they were insane, how someone can be pregnant and give birth and want to go through it again. The very opposite of your opinion on it, but we all have such different experiences.

OP the fact that you're debating it enough to post on here for opinions makes me think you might regret not going through with it. Did you plan to have more children anyway? If so, as others have posted, a small age gap might not be so bad.[/quote]
Ah that makes sense. Thank you for sharing. Maybe I just had a very particular experience myself!

The fact the job is only 2 nights a week wouldn't be enough for me to justify having a termination.

You worry about your son but a sibling relationship with one close in age is going to be much more beneficial than a potential feeling of being "left out" - he's going to be far too young to really notice it when the baby arrives when he's 17 months

Found out I was pregnant when my first was 2 months old. I was scared too but it was the best thing I've ever done. I can't imagine my life without my youngest.

@lalalalands I can say if I found myself pregnant I would probably terminate. DS is 13 months,I love him with all my heart but I can't do it again.

OP only you know if you can manage with 2, maternity allowance is very similar to SMP so if you can manage with that then don't worry. As far as your new job, it's just one of those things, don't even give it a thought. 2 close together would be nice for them as they grow up but equally if it's now something you can manage at the moment then you know you have options.

Didn’t want to read and run...
I was in your exact position
I decided to keep my baby he is now two weeks old and my 18month old is the best big sister! No feeling of jealousy or being pushed out (so far)!

Hi OP

Just wanted to add my experience. My sibling is 16 months younger than me and we were thick as thieves growing up I basically felt so lucky that my parents produced this actual real life dolly for me to play with