stupid and scared

[christmas1989]

I don't know what to do and can't talk to anyone in real life. I have a 5 year old daughter and I am pregnant again. My daughter was from a drunken one night stand. She is the best thing that's ever happened to me and we are very close. My family were very upset at the time as they are very strict and we're very embarrassed of me. I have been seeing someone only for a couple of months, I haven't introduced him to my daughter and wasn't planning to for a very long time. We used protection but I have just found out I'm pregnant. I can't face the crippling embarrassment of telling my family it's happened again. I am scared also that I don't really know the dad very well, I don't know how he will react, what his family are like. My daughters dad wasn't interested but I have managed well on my own. I'm scared and don't know what to do

But he's with you. He must think you're good enough.
Reading your posts it seems you have very low self esteem, and There's no doubt about. Its because of your parents.

I don't think he's interested in anything serious with me he is only wanting a casual relationship nothing more. I know I can raise the baby I am devoted to my daughter and this baby will be the same but I feel like it's a risk to the happy home for my daughter he turns out to be awful.

christmas I really hope you will decide what is right for you and your dd.

"My mum was very ashamed and still is 5 years later. She called me a slag, now it's going to be even worse."

NO, it is not going to be worse because you are an adult and this is your life, it is not her choice!

"In my heart I would like to keep the baby" GREAT - CONGRATULATIONS that is all you need to know.

"Im scared of having the dad involved in case he thinks I'm not good enough, I'm scared of someone taking my baby away from me, I know that's stupid." It is not stupid to be worried but I don't think you have anything to be worried about.

Do you think he deserves to know? If so, tell him. Just say, I;ve found out I am expecting a baby, your baby, I know this will come as a shock, it is to me too. I want to keep this baby and I felt you needed to know. I wanted to know how you felt." Or words to that affect.

BUT however he feels, the choice to keep the baby is yours.

He might be over the moon, he might run for the hills, but whatever he does it is what you do that will really matter for this little one. You've proved yourself. YOU CAN DO IT!

And your mum, say something like...
"When I told you about dd, your comments were really hurtful.

I am expecting again and I wanted to share this happy news with you. If you are not happy about it, that;s fine, but i am delighted dd will have a baby brother or sister." Or words to that affect.

I might introduce the idea of the boyfriend first "By the way I am seeing XYZ now." But you do not have to.

Its not your mum's business, you are an adult. Congratulations.

It sounds a bit like you're worried about your boyfriend turning nasty when you tell him? If that is the case, do you have reasons already for feeling that way? Or was that how your daughters father was? No one will let him take your baby away just because he has an education and a nicer house than you. As for your family, you owe them nothing and it's your life to live. I was teen parent (shame!) and had two very close together, I'm your age now and we're all happy. If I can do it, anyone can!

If you really think, he will think, you’re not good enough to be raising his child (together or not) then I wouldn’t tell him. You don’t need someone like that in your life. You also need to stop seeing people like that in the future.

Your self esteem is lower than a snakes belly, largely I suspect due to your awful mother. Reduce contact with her & get some counselling.

Tell your mother that if she carries on as she has been, you’ll go ‘no contact’. Mother or not, she has NO right to speak to you like that.

You’re a big girl now, you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to have a baby. Your DD will have a little brother or sister and you will all be fine, better than fine.

I would rather not tell him but I want to do the right thing for the baby. I wouldn't want the baby to be upset when they are older about not having a father.

Do you think you're just anxious about having a father involved in general, or is it more that there are worrying things about him that you've noticed? If so, it's OK to listen to your instincts.

Ok, I think people are distracted by the family stuff and falling over themselves to be positive here.

OP, you don't sound like you're really in a good place with any of this. It sounds like a very casual relationship with little future, you don't sound like you know him at all? Time to think practically here: do you have a job? Can you afford a baby on your own? Are you ready for the possibility of this baby going to their fathers for weekends and overnights and holidays?
It's all very well people saying you don;t need to tell him but real life just doesn't work like that.

Forget about your family and all that, time to be sensible and actually work out what you can do about this.

Congratulations! It is a really nice age gap for siblings, and it sounds as if you really enjoy being a mum to your daughter despite the non-standard situation.

Have a think about what feels right for YOU (not your mum, not your casual boyfriend) and whether you could make it work.

Drown out all tbose thoughts about anyomne else at first. Maybe take a day off your routine when your daughter is at school. Think about what you want for you and your daughter.
Then move forward with that knowledge. what you tjink is what's important here.

Well I'll ask - why are you sleeping with this man who by your own admission you dont know very well, and you think he thinks is embarassed about you?

Sometimes peopel have to have some tough love, so I'll dish it out - get some self respect and choose your partners more wisely.

Right, that said, you want the baby? Have the baby, but you have no right to deprive the pending child of a relationship with its father. How do you think financial support is going to arrive? By the fairies? He needs to be aware of the situation so he can plan his life also. And you might be surprised that he actually wants to be involved, and be responsible.

I'm sure I've read this problem on here before. Word for word.

I've not posted on here before I don't have anyone to talk to about it

Thankyou for everyone's replies, . feel that I couldn't face telling everyone I'm having a baby with someone I hardly know, I have an older sister and brother who I think would be supportive but I don't know what I would be getting my daughter or myself into and I feel like it's not being a good mum to my daughter having a baby in these circumstances. I need to focus only on my daughter as she's only 5 and just started school and not get into this situation again.

OP has come for support and advice on her current situation. She's already pregnant she can't go back in time and not sleep with a man she barely knows. Not sure what the point of that comment is other than to make OP feel bad.

Do you WANT to have the baby?

Christmas do you want this baby? If so, make your plans.

Tell the father, I believe he has a right to know. It will be up to him if he can step up to help parent. However, he should be financially supporting his child.

It sounds like you really desperatey need some counselling and help for this, can you access it for free on the NHS? or at least have a paid for session or two somewhere? You need some self confidence boosting self esteem! Your mum (what about your dad?) has really sold you down the river with her evil attitude to you. Is she very religious?

I'm a Christian and I know some fellow Christians who hold very 'moral' views but I hope any of them would also have compassion on their children and seek to be supportive.

Anyway, back to you, I do think your mum (and dad?) have set you up for a life of no confidence. Maybe that is actually why you are in a relationship with a man you don't seem to respect and fear doesn't respect you.

So I would suggest before you speak to him you get your head together and work out what you want, and also VERY IMPORTANTLY see your true worth. You are an amazing mum, and a woman who has coped amazingly well having had a lot of knocks from the very person you should have been able to trust to care for you (your mum).

So please value yourself, seek some help and when you are ready - have that conversation with your boyfriend.

If you are going to keep your baby, please seek some support from your brother and sister and enlist their help to tell your parents. But honestly, telling your mum is the last of your worries.

Re " I don't have anyone to talk to about it" Does this mean you have no friends? No other people who have kids in your dd's class or people you met through toddler groups/work or whatever? People you knew at school?

Please think about building a support network of friends who like you and care, it takes time but it is not impossible, and the more confidence you have in yourself and your own abilities the easier and better it will be to build your friendship circle.

Please keep talking to us if it helps.

I think to be fair many women have slept with someone in a non-serious relationship. I have and I have always been seen as a sensible/responsible type, but it happens. I could easily have ended up in OP's situation but for luck. And after having kids in a long-term relationship, we split up and I'm now a single mum anyway. And happier that way to boot (and so are the kids). I really don't think it's the bad thing that many people make out.

What matters for OP is managing her decision now, and coping with her family and the problems their lack of support has left her with.

OP keep posting if it helps you think things through, and please try to brush off anyone trying to tell you off for having sex, you don't need that. Most of us are here to listen and support if we can.

Thankyou for everyone's replies, its really kind. I've decided not to go ahead with keeping my baby as I feel its too much risk if my boyfriend isn't nice, I don't want that for my daughter and also she would pick up on my families feelings and I don't want to change her happy home and bring any stress or negative factors to her life. My mum is very religious and I think I need to be think about what I'm doing more in future.

It’s a v personal choice.i hope you are well. Do think when you’re ready how your family treat you
Being religious and observant doesn’t give justification to be ghastly to you
If anything I’d expect religious folk to have empathy and an ideological frame of reference

I think its more her own views. My dad was very difficult when we were little and he left when we were young. I don't see a lot of him now, he works away most of the time. I will get some counseling. Thankyou

You really shouldn't do something like this just because of what someone will think of you.
You should do it because you know it's the right decision for you.

I'm concerned that you're putting other people's opinions ahead of your own needs and wants.

But whatever you decide, I hope it's the right choice for you, and I suggest you have some counselling to improve your self esteem.

Why do you think your boyfriend won’t be ‘nice’? Is there more to this? You’ve already successfully raised one child and you said you felt that you wanted this one, so what are you really worried about?

Christmas please get the councelling before you do anything. You need to be sure this is your decision and not one that is fueled by your mum or dad or your boyfriend.

You parents sounds ghastly, please do not make ANY decision based on what they think. I am a Christian, doubtless one of those people who some would call 'religious'.

I am sure I have had my times of being judgmental.

When I was a lot younger a friend got pregnant at pretty much her first date with a new guy. Both she and he were Christians and again the kind of people others might say were very religious. Lots of people were quite surprised. It was a long time ago!

I am ashamed to say I was judgmental BUT I would never have expected her to not have her child because of my or anyone else's views! My friend considered giving her baby up for adoption but decided to stick with the dad and have the baby. We made up and I am sure I apologized for being a pratt!

In the long run the relationship did not survive but they were together for many years and had other kids.

I guess I am saying this because getting pregnant, having kids, getting together, breaking up, it is all very normal and even very religious people do it.

So please cut yourself some slack and decide what is right for YOU. You are worth making a decision based on what you want.

Please go talk to someone who is non judgemental about this in real life but:

1. just because you may be co-parenting, does not mean you have to think about committing to this new man. You can start talking about how to manage both raising a child without having to move in together.
2. just to point out, he may have a nicer house/job, but you've been raising a happy child. If he'd been a single parent, his house is unlikely to have been as nice and his earning power would have been less.
3. you get to frame this how you'd like. You say your daughter would be delighted, so treat it as a good thing when telling the news. But do via the phone so if DM starts twisting it you can tell her 'its unexpected and unplanned, but it's wonderful news for us, and if you can't say anything nice, please don't say anything at all'.
4. please tell him if you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, but once you've decided what you want to happen and just in a 'I wanted you to know, this is what I'd like to happen in an ideal world, you can be as involved as you like. I know it's a shock so I'm heading home now to let you have a bit of time'.