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Pregnancy choices

Found out I'm pregnant last night. WTH do I do!

52 replies

confuseddot · 26/03/2017 09:26

Hi all

So I found out I was pregnant last night. Not planned whatsoever. Been with my partner 8 months and although we live together (mortgaged house) I was hoping to be together longer and possibly be married first!!! We are shocked to day the least. Me more so than him. He is so calm and I haven't stopped shaking and crying.

I have always wanted to be a mum. I knew I was put on this earth to do so from a young age but I feel we have so much time left as a couple, that sounds selfish doesn't it?

I am 22 BTW and I feel so scared and worried. I feel too young but then again I know I'm not THAT young. The thought of telling family horrifies me so I have no one to speak to. My other half seems generally happy and wanted to tell his parents but then today I think he is in shock and is just quieter than usual.

I have so many questions. How will I afford a baby? How much do they cost? Other half is on good wages and mine not bad but with maternity how would I afford it all. Child care I think we would be fine with when I go back to work but how do I afford the house and bills etc! How old were you with your first? Please tell me your reactions? And when you told your family and what their reactions were? How do I know if I'm making the right decision by keeping the baby?

What do I do next? Doctors? What happens after that?

I'm sorry i have rambled on I'm not sure what I need to know nor how I feel. I guess I just wanted some reassurance from people that have been there.

OP posts:
Lapinlapin · 26/03/2017 09:33

Well, it's good news your partner is being supportive and positive about it.

Obviously you do have options, but it does sound as though you want to have the baby, so firstly congratulations! Flowers

Normally you go to the doctors and they arrange a midwife to see you at around 10 weeks for a 'booking in' appointment.

I was much older than you when I had my first, and maternity leave for me worked out more expensive than I thought. You don't really need to spend a huge amount on things for the baby (despite all the adverts to the contrary), but the loss of wages for one person whilst on mat leave made a massive impact on our incomings. However, you do get some maternity pay, so you'll manage.

I would spend from now until the birth saving as much as you possibly can though.

Start taking folic acid though as soon as you can. Other than that, there's no need to tell anyone just yet. Give yourself time to let it all sink in a bit first.

confuseddot · 26/03/2017 09:45

Thank you. One minute I want the baby and the next minute I want more time for me and my other half to enjoy just each other. It sounds horrible doesn't it and selfish. I have always said I'd never have an abortion though.

Definitely will be saving. We had a lot planned this year but none of which I can do pregnant really such as festivals!

I don't know how far along I am. I had a period start of January whilst on pill heavy one as usual week long. Then in February I stopped taking pill as I wanted to lose weight so we used condoms. I had a 2 days very light period when I stopped takin the pill which is unusual as I'm normally so heavy. So I'm unsure whether I got pregnant on the pill!! This month missed period. Sore boobs Nipples on fire so I did a test to put my mind at ease and there was the two lines. Twice. And also it wasn't a faint line it was a full blown line and it was a very watered down late evening wee if that makes a difference! X

OP posts:
MiniAlphaBravo · 26/03/2017 09:51

If you decide to have the baby the biggest cost is probably childcare, unless family will do it for you. Unless you're on a good wage nursery etc can cost more than you earn. Then there's loss of earnings from maternity leave but again you can limit that by having a shorter mat leave. Otherwise you can get lots of baby stuff second hand (nct sales or fb etc) which is usually good quality. But yeah start saving and planning now! Next step is to phone gp and notify them. They can tell you what to do next e.g. In my area I had to go online to book a midwife appt which happened around 8-10 weeks.

Other thing to do is start taking pregnancy vitamins, or at least folic acid and vitamin d. Good luck!

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 26/03/2017 09:55

It's absolutely fine to get abortion. You are going and still in a very new relationship. I had mg first daughter at nineteen and obviously whilst I don't regret having her. I do sometimes think it would of been nice to I'd travelled together and had holidays alone, festivals, been able to shop without responsibilities and be a bit selfish with money, have gone a honeymoon ourselves etc.

I think the most important thing is to go with your gut instincts. Talk to each other alot. It is a big, life changing decision. The most important thing is doing what is best for yourselfs and doing it without guilt.

sandgrown · 26/03/2017 09:56

BTW unless you have complications life can go on pretty much as normal until late pregnancy. Lots of pregnant people go to festivals but you may find you don't want to. Flying will be restricted in late pregnancy though. Congratulations Smile.

confuseddot · 26/03/2017 10:17

Thank you got to get my finger out. We just had a long conversation me crying again of course. Trying to weigh up pros and cons. It's so life changing and I'm terrified. I didn't think this would happen until maybe 25-26. But I've always been against abortions but now I'm in the situation I am wondering is it meant to be or is it just way too soon. Other half said he will support whatever decision I make but I said we are making this together. I think I'd feel so guilty having an abortion. And imagine if I never conceived again? I'd be devastated. It's so hard Sad

OP posts:
FlamingoTime · 26/03/2017 13:36

Hi OP. I had an abortion a few years ago when I'd only been with my partner for a few months. We were living together too but it just felt way too soon. I felt selfish, but I loved my job and holidays etc and I felt so young and not ready for a family.

Anyway, a few years later, now we're married and I'm pregnant again, and we're having this baby. The termination was a hard decision, and I'm not going to pretend I wasn't really upset at the time, but now I do think it was for the best - my career took off in the last couple of years, and now we are both much more financially and emotionally ready for a child. Also in a weird way the experience brought us much closer together. It was a joint decision.

BUT, having said that, I do also now think that if we'd had that baby at the time, it all would have worked out OK in the end. We'd be poorer for sure, but we'd have a baby. I don't regret it but I think it wouldn't have been as big of a disaster as I thought it would be at the time, if that makes sense.

I just wanted to post to say you are not alone in being in this position - and whatever decision you make, I'm sure you'll look back and know it was the right one. There's no shame in having an abortion (remember one in three women have had one, so you probably know plenty of people who've been through it) and there's no shame in having a baby soon into a relationship without being married - it's 2017, and you have rights and options and you'll be respected by your partner (and the NHS, importantly!) whatever you decide. Good luck either way Flowers

user1490291922 · 26/03/2017 17:03

Hi! I'm in the same position as you except my partner and I have been together 2 years, he is 28, me 23 and we don't live together, we are saving for a house. There's never the right time to have a baby and I can't tell you how many times we sat down, spoke about it, argued and cried all the while the baby was growing bigger inside of me. One day we went out for a walk, on a clear fresh Sunday and decided there and then to keep it. I have always been against abortions also so it was going to take a lot for me to get rid of baby but I'm so glad we have made this decision. I can't tell you how much of a weight has lifted! I am now 16+4 and couldn't be happier. Take the time to think about it. You're in your own house and it sounds like you have a solid partner also. Don't rush and make a decision you'll regret. Everything works itself out!! (ESPECIALLY money!) Smile

user1490291922 · 26/03/2017 17:07

And to answer your questions ..
how do I afford the house and bills etc!
Sit down and work out a plan, you'll be surprised it may not be as hard as you think.
How old were you with your first? Please tell me your reactions?
I'm 23 now and I'm over the moon, my partner and I talk about baby all day long, we even went to look at prams yesterday! Partner is amazing and won't stop kissing my belly. Best feeling!! Grin
And when you told your family and what their reactions were?
All of both our families were over the moon. My friends were going to be the most difficult as they are young and single and enjoy Partying every weekend but they have been great, we're really excited and sent me flowers and constantly ask for baby updates. It's lovely having the support - you'll be surprised! Everyone loves baby's so I bet you'll have a lot of support!!
How do I know if I'm making the right decision by keeping the baby?
You will just know. You may feel like you are 50/50 at the moment but there is more than likely one way that your brain is swaying more towards. You sound like you want to keep it so I would just work out the logistics of it. If you decide you don't want to, then that's fine to but don't make a decision lightly. Babies can be the best things in the world, you just have to be 100% with your decision! No looking back.

Please keep us updated, id be happy to offer supporting words throughout the way as I knew how stressed and ill I got making my decision xxx

confuseddot · 26/03/2017 18:06

User thank you. I'd be so happy if you could private message if that's possible?? New to mum's net not sure how to do that really. Been speaking all afternoon I've cried a lot saying I don't think I'd live with myself if I aborted. Other half said he's with me for the long haul whenever decision I make but I just feel I am taking his freedom away I don't know xx

OP posts:
DesertSky · 26/03/2017 18:11

Do you know what? There's never a 'right' to have a baby.

I was 22 when I had my first baby. I have have 3 children and I'm 32 so am still young! 😁 xx

DesertSky · 26/03/2017 18:11

*'right' time

DesertSky · 26/03/2017 18:19

You have a house, a supportive partner and want to keep this baby. It may have arrived a little earlier than expected in your life plan but a baby is hardly ever regrettted once it's here. I enjoyed being a young mum. It's been a learning curve. Yes kids are hard work but they are my life. Don't be scared! Talk to your partner. Your life doesn't have to stop once you have a baby. There may be changes, but often they are for the better. Family is an amazing thing especially when two people love each other and a baby is coming into a supportive, happy household x

Elvisrocks · 26/03/2017 18:19

Childcare costs are huge, particularly if you want two children close together. Are you sure you can afford it? I'm a realist and I'm afraid love doesn't conquer all. It's far better to have children when you're properly ready for them and can afford them. Nothing will destroy a relationship faster than money worries and a baby/child. Personally I wouldn't risk it.

MoreProseccoNow · 26/03/2017 18:22

OP, if you are considering all options, including termination, perhaps ask for your thread to be moved to the Pregnancy Choices section, where you'll get more unbiased advice.

Whilst I agree that there's never a "right time" to have a baby, it's a huge commitment & you have to be placed for supporting a child.

I'd start with finding out about the cost of local childcare. Where I live it's about £60 daily, so you have to earn over £20K to pay for a nursery place.

I'd also look at your employment - would you get a maternity package, or SMP?

And family support nearby makes it so much easier. Realistically, would there be any, or are they all working f/t or far away?

Often people have very simplistic views e.g. "Just buy 2nd hand stuff", which is only a tiny part of supporting a child.

Give yourself a bit of time to come to terms with it 💐

silkpyjamasallday · 26/03/2017 18:33

Hello, I'm 22 and I have a 6 month old dd. I was absolutely terrified when I found out I was pregnant and like you there were immediate dark lines on the tests the second they got wet so there was no uncertainty! I waited until after the 12 week scan to tell my family, I genuinely thought they would disown me, but they have been the most doting and supportive grandparents I could of asked for. It is difficult having a baby, but I don't think there is ever a 'right time', however as you have a mortgage rather than renting that puts you in a much better position than most your age and many people older than us! Baby's do cost money, but I have been surprised at how little we have had to spend, you don't have to spend masses and they don't actually need even half the stuff that is marketed to expectant parents, a lot can be picked up second hand (and barely used) for little money and if you chose to breastfeed that's free! Feel free to pm me if you'd like any support, I know it can be lonely being young and pregnant/a young mum Flowers

MooPointCowsOpinion · 26/03/2017 18:42

I was 22 when I fell pregnant with my first. We had just moved into our first home, mortgaged, and had lived there for a month before I fell pregnant. It was a huge shock.

I was the same as you about abortion at the time. I've since become much more accepting about them, and would consider a termination now if I fell pregnant, but I don't see the world as I used to.

So we had the baby. It was very exciting and fun and our families rallied round amazingly. My salary wasn't enough to cover childcare and I wasn't ready to leave my daughter when she was one, so I retrained and got a bursary, and didn't go back to work full time earning a wage until she was 2.5 years old.

She's six now. We have moved house, got married, and had another daughter. Financially things were tough, and the sleep deprivation and emotional toll of raising a child was hard for DH and me after being together just 2 years and most of that time we were a party couple.

I think there were times it could have all gone to shit, and only our sheer determination not to split up or quit kept us going; and there were (and still are) times I feel so happy and fulfilled with the life we have created. No we don't go to festivals, but we could if we wanted to. Our priorities shifted as soon as she arrived, yours probably will to.

lottieandmia · 26/03/2017 18:47

I think you need to give yourself time - you only found out last night. I was 21 when I had my first baby. There are lots of advantages to being a young mum (easier to cope with the demands of a newborn) & my daughter's like having a young mum. I feel that I can relate to them more than my mum could to me when I was a teenager.

I do remember that omg, how will I ever do this sensation though.

BertieBotts · 26/03/2017 20:06

For full disclosure I had a baby at 20 with my partner of (at conception) 9 months. "Baby" is now 8 years old. :)

There is never a right time but it's not fair to pretend it would be just as hard now as in 5 or 7 years' time. It will be harder now. It will throw your relationship into incredible stress, it will be a financial strain, and having a baby out of step with your peers is difficult because it alienates you from your friendship group both now and again later when they begin to have children. It's effectively ending your twenties pretty much now. Of course, it's not quite as dramatic as never being able to go out again, but the reality is that you won't be able to attend all of the events people plan, you probably won't want to do the same things they do either, so you'll end up out of the loop, you'll miss things, your friends often get frustrated at your lack of contact because they don't realise how much of your time a baby takes up yet. And it's difficult to make new friends because you don't fit in with either the teen mums or the stable 30something crowd, and there's not much in between. Even if you wait and have your second later, you're still out of step because you're not having your first. So you will have a different experience. That might be important to you, or it might be a minor detail.

There's no reason that a termination would make pregnancy more difficult to achieve in the future if that's still what you want. It's very likely that you could terminate this one and go on to have babies perfectly normally and healthily later on. (If nothing else, you've proven that you get pregnant easily!) But on the other hand if you think that the experience of pregnancy now and a potential abortion would lead you to want to try again very soon e.g. within a year or two, then it's probably not going to make much difference, and you might as well go ahead with this one. It might be worth it to give yourselves longer.

One point I will mention is that my relationship was not very supportive and we ended up splitting up. I am not saying that this will happen to you or even that it's likely to happen, but the whole experience has made me realise how important it is to be with the right person when it comes to the time to have a baby. Everything else - timing, age, gender, financial situation, it just pales into insignificance compared with choosing the right person, even if you end up going it alone. At 8 months into a relationship, you're effectively taking a gamble on this. He could be really great and as supportive as he is promising now and everything will be fine, and of course, you'll find people who love to tell you about their situation where this happened but on the other hand he could have traits which come out later which make co-parenting difficult or just miserable. It's honestly not really predictable but I would caution that if you've ever noticed anything which vaguely hints at red flag-ness (controlling behaviour, insecurity which affects you e.g. jealousy, criticism, any alcohol or drug or violent tendencies even if not around you, rushing the relationship along quickly, being tight with money, etc.) to think really, really carefully about whether you're sure. Good "green flags" are things like how supportive he is of you when things aren't going his way or when your attention is focused elsewhere or when you're vulnerable for some reason, whether he takes on equal responsibility for household stuff and whether he supports your dreams and ambitions rather than just complimenting you in ways which keep you where you are. But even with all of the green flags in the world you can grow apart. However a respectful, healthy relationship has more chance to turn into a good co-parenting relationship whether you stay together or not.

Of course it's not an easy decision - I've been typing this on and off for a while so I expect someone has already said, but have you looked into pregnancy counselling at all? (You might also find you get more/a different spread of responses if you post in Pregnancy Choices or Relationships or even Chat, as this forum is mostly read by people who are currently pregnant either with a planned pregnancy or one they've definitely decided to keep).

Very best wishes and good luck for whatever you decide!

confuseddot · 26/03/2017 20:58

Thank you all.

Well we have a mortgage so we share money equally. He's about to get a large pay rise due to finishing anextra course in his career.

We have said if it happened next year or year after we'd no question keep a baby. And as you've highlighted we've also said we'll if we want to do it then. Then why couldn't we do it now. Just so much to think about.

He is so supportive with any decision I make. We share everything equally and have mutual respect for each other. We share house work etc. He's never ever been controlling and he absolutely loves children and has said he's always wanted to be a dad but didn't expect this soon!

It really is the factors that we've only been together 8 months. We wanted to travel a bit and experience the world and enjoy just being us two.

Child care wouldn't be a problem as he has a large family and so do I and they all live very close. We told his mum earlier and she is very supportive and said she will help us whichever way we decide to go. She was a very young mum when she had my other half.

I'm booking into the early pregnancy clinic to discuss options and have scan to see how far along I am.

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
confuseddot · 26/03/2017 21:12

Also is there a way to move this thread? I've never really used mum's net before x

OP posts:
user1490291922 · 26/03/2017 22:31

Yes of course please message me xx


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BertieBotts · 26/03/2017 22:33

I also agree with Moo in that I didn't really consider abortion at the time because I just had this idea that "I'd never do that" without necessarily having thought it through. I'm not saying that I was uninformed. It's just that I'd always had this overwhelming longing for a child and so the idea of abortion felt somehow wrong or impossible for me, and I wish I'd spent a little more time actually thinking about it, because like Moo I now feel differently and more pragmatic about it. I think that at the time I viewed termination as being an active choice and that I had to really feel strongly about it to do it, I somehow missed that deciding to go ahead with the pregnancy and birth was actually making a much larger, much more active choice.

It can help to think about the situation hypothetically from a couple of angles and see how they make you feel:

  1. If you didn't know you were pregnant, and somebody came up to you and asked you if you'd like the opportunity to be a mother now, how would you feel?

  1. If you woke up tomorrow and weren't pregnant any more, how would you feel? Relieved, or disappointed?
BertieBotts · 26/03/2017 22:36

Oh sorry I clicked off the tab again and didn't see your post before I finished my reply Blush

You can ask for the thread to be moved by clicking "Report" and writing a message to MNHQ in the form you get there. Or just copy and paste your whole first post into another section (but then you'll get two running at once, which is allowed but might be a bit confusing! :))

You can travel with a child. It's not as easy or cheap but it is doable if it's something you want to do. Especially when they're very little, they are portable.

I'm glad you've been able to talk with family.

user1490291922 · 27/03/2017 22:27

Hi, how are you getting on? X

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