Do I keep the baby my partner doesn’t want?

[ByBluePoster]

I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half, and have recently found out that I got pregnant on the pill. Due to being on the pill I didn’t find out until 10 weeks (did pregnancy tests after visiting the doctor for sickness/flu and getting all clear from bloods etc). Initially due to the shock, I was on board with getting an abortion as this wasn’t something we’d discussed in detail yet - though we both had said we want children in the future. I’m 28 and my partner is 38.

The first step I took was reaching out to the abortion clinic who couldn’t offer me a consultation for TWO weeks. I went to get a private scan to see how far along I was as the anxiety was killing me. This is where I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant and also had suspected endometriosis with a 7cm cyst on my ovary. After this scan I felt completely different due to all the factors - I knew an abortion late on would be really difficult for me and because I had already suspected I had endometriosis (I’ve struggled with periods since 14 and it runs in my family) so always thought I’d struggle to conceive - and I felt the cyst / opinion from the private scan reaffirmed this.

I did counselling and wrote down all my feelings and then discussed with my partner to see what his reasonings were for not wanting the pregnancy. He said he just was not ready and that we should abort the baby and try again next year. I booked the scan with the abortion clinic and was told it’d be in 10 days, the night before the scan - they called to cancel my appointment and told me they couldn’t do the surgery so I needed to self refer to a different provider. I did this and the new provider couldn’t offer a scan for another 10 days. I will be at least 14 weeks at the point of this scan so, 15+ when having the abortion.

I feel really uncomfortable about the situation and told my partner that I can’t see a future where I can get past an abortion, but I appreciate his views and that he can’t see one without it - so we’ve essentially parted due to the situation. I earn good money and have good maternity pay for the first 6 months - but I have a dog and no house of my own. I live with my partner atm so I now need to move out of that home. My friends and family have been supportive but ultimately I’d need to find my own feet and deal with a big change of outgoings by myself - is it reasonable to think I can do this in 6 months? I don’t think being a single parent will be easy by any means - but the instinct I feel to keep the baby is overwhelming and it’s that I can’t shift past. Am I in the wrong if I keep the baby, because it was unplanned? Even though I’ve said I’d have no expectations from the baby’s dad? I feel really stuck as I just don’t know if I’d recover from an abortion.

[AimeeLou84]

Hey hun. I completely understand how you feel as 13 years ago my partner (who I’m still with now and 17 weeks pregnant) wanted me to get an abortion and basically forced me into it. I regret the decision still to this day. And more so right now as I’m going through tests for Down syndrome in my baby due to my age (nearly 40). I wish I had my baby back then and dealt with the consequences alone if I had to. At the end of the day; it’s your body, your baby and your choice. Everyone will have a different opinion and there’s no right or wrong, but go with what you want and feel. Good luck! X

[spilltheteapot]

You can totally do this! Things will come right.

[OpalCitrine3]

It will be difficult but if you want to keep the baby then you will manage, absolutely. Women do it all the time and you sound in a better position than most.

You are right to go with your gut on this, sounds like you would regret an abortion (and I'm very much pro choice). A 38 year old man saying he's not ready but he wants to try in a year is just BS, if he's not ready by now, he won't be magically ready at 39.

[SnookyPook]

Your partner is 38... I can't really see why he'd assume he'd be more ready in a year than he is now. I'm sorry this has exacerbated a break-up but I suspect from his reactions etc you would have probably found yourself here eventually regardless.

I think your reasoning all makes sense. Personally I think I'd be feeling exactly the same in your situation, especially with the likely endometriosis diagnosis which as you rightly say, could impact your fertility. There are no guarantees with TTC and so many couples struggle to conceive again. My hubby and I had three losses last year after a very straightforward journey to have our son 2 years prior.

As you pointed out, the path ahead will include some complications however it sounds like you have supportive friends and family and that counts for a lot! Wish you all the best xx

[rwalker]

Whilst not the situation you wanted to find yourself in you’ve both been open and honest know exactly where you stand and you can build a future round that

[RiderofRohan]

Because 38 is a spring chicken? This man is very immature, despite pushing 40. So he wants to put you through an abortion both physically and mentally for what? To get himself to the ripe age of 39? How incredibly stupid.

He is definitely lying to you. He will not agree to have a child next year, nothing would have changed in his maturity and mindset.

Keep your baby. You'll be a great mum. Remember to collect the child support.

[Bonnybairn]

I can totally sympathise with your mixed feelings at this time. I was 20 and got pregnant on the pill and my partner was 33. He was always on board to keep and I was at first, all up for an abortion but when I went for the scan I seen what was mine on that screen and decided I couldn't do it. You think at the time there's nothing worse that could be happening but I'm 10 years down the line and cannot see myself without that little blob on the screen now. Like you I just knew I'd never cope with life post abortion.

You do what you need to do. If you have support you'll be the richest person alive when baby is here if you decide to keep. If you think you can cope and want to try later on, equally as fine. Just make sure you do what's right for you.

[joelmillersbackpack]

Base this choice entirely around what you want. Be totally selfish about what you want.

Trying again in a year sounds ridiculous, it sounds like he’s promising you what you want to hear to get you to do what he wants now.

If you have an abortion against your wishes just to please him then the relationship will be over anyway.

[Broodywuz]

You are absolutely not being unreasonable! You can do this! 28 is a lovely age to have a baby and especially with your diagnosis, I personally would not be wanting to put off having a baby even if this hadn't happened.
Also at 38 years old I suspect if your partner isn't ready now he never will be so do not be fooled into a promise of trying again next year if you have an abortion.

[CharlesChickens]

@OpalCitrine3

It will be difficult but if you want to keep the baby then you will manage, absolutely. Women do it all the time and you sound in a better position than most.

You are right to go with your gut on this, sounds like you would regret an abortion (and I'm very much pro choice). A 38 year old man saying he's not ready but he wants to try in a year is just BS, if he's not ready by now, he won't be magically ready at 39.

Agree with this. He is 38 ! Not 18. A giant man baby.

[joelmillersbackpack]

And good luck to you and your baby. You can do it, you’ll be fine.

[AuContraire]

Keep the baby. Give it your surname. Make sure you claim child maintenance from him.

Don't terminate a 14 week pregnancy you want to keep, you'll struggle to get over it.

[TwylaSands]

Youve got this. One day at a time.

and a 38 year old man who isnt ready to have the baby he has already created, just doesnt want children with you. So good choice to make your own decision.

[AuContraire]

Even if you don't "need" the child maintenance payments, and even if you don't want them, it's not all about you, it's also about the child, so put them into a savings account for the baby if you don't need it to live on.

[BetsyBobbins]

I think the multiple cancellations and all is the universe telling you to have this baby. ✨

Though luck he doesn't want to have a baby with you because you will name him as the father on the birth certificate (even if you have to request a paternity test) and you will get child maintenance payments. This is about your child, don't let him get away Scott free. He doesn't want to get involved? Fair point, but he doesn't get to deny a right that is your kid's by law

[AnnieTree]

If this baby is what you want (and it sounds as if it is from your post) and you can make it work (also sounds like you can) then you should go for it. Life rarely goes to plan, you just have to deal with what comes your way as it comes.
I agree with the poster who said what difference does a year make. I was in a very similar situation (in many ways a lot more complicated) with my DS 10 months.
When I considered a termination it was with the intention of trying again in a year when life was more “together”, but then I just knew it wouldn’t be THIS baby even if I did conceive a year later. I also knew I would have always wondered whether it would have been a boy or girl and I’d have struggled when it came to my would-be due date.
I sometimes think about that time when I look at him, and just think how could I not have THIS precious boy in my life now.
For the record, I would never judge anyone for choosing a termination if that is the right thing for them. But it doesn’t sound like you want a termination and you’re considering it just because your BF wants one. That wouldn’t be the right choice and I think you’d always regret it and resent him. That would be the end of your relationship anyway.

[theduchessofspork]

Of course you aren’t in the wrong, the question is just do you really want to do it? Unless you really think you have fertility issues, you are quite young.

I would start by sitting down with a friend who is good with money to act as a clean eye (or with a financial advisor) and work out how you are going to cover your housing costs. If you can’t, then can you stand the idea of living with your parents? Would they willingly have you for a few years?

A late abortion is always difficult but it’s less difficult than raising a child alone if you aren’t sure about it

He said he just was not ready and that we should abort the baby and try again next year. 

He will never be ready by the way, so forget about him. However you owe it to your child to claim maintenance (which it sounds like you will need anyhow).

[ByBluePoster]

thanks for all the comments - really appreciated & a lot is confirming a lot of what I already had going around my head! My meaning behind ‘no expectations’ from the father meant anything outside of the legal requirements. there is no doubt on paternity and he’s already said he’ll support where he has to. Admittedly I haven’t looked into exactly what is what in that sense, but I’d expect him to meet the minimum requirements by law. I’d also be happy for him to have any involvement with the child if he was to change his mind as I’d never let my feelings interfere with my child’s relationship with their father. That said, I know my decision needs to be made on the basis that he won’t, as he’s been clear it isn’t what he wants and I respect that due to the fact the pregnancy was unplanned so if I continue this pregnancy, I’ll do so with the understanding that I can definitely provide what’s necessary from me to ensure the best future for my child.

[ByBluePoster]

Yep, I relate to this a lot! The due date is right next to my birthday and my doggo’s birthday - so I know it’d hurt every year and I’d just feel like there was a big void there that I’d want to fill. Like you say, it’d never be THIS baby and I don’t even know if I’d ever feel the excitement / happiness that he kept saying would come if we were ‘ready’ as I’d always feel like I was grieving this baby. I also don’t think there’s ever a ‘right time’ and I am excited with this one - just also really stressed! As far as I was concerned we had everything aligned and were in a place to start trying once we had got a house / had a couple more holidays.

I’m glad you did what was right for you and are reaping the benefits of that 🤍, I’ve read a lot that no one ever regrets their child but a lot do regret abortions - even when they’ve felt they’ve not had a choice (medical/circumstances)

[Ribbonss]

You can get a new partner but you can’t get a new baby! I’d keep it. If he’s’not ready’ at 38 and trying to get you to have an abortion the only thing I’d be aborting is my relationship with him! He will never be ready and definitely isn’t a keeper!

[littlemousebigcheese]

Keep the baby, you'll be great. Also, please do make sure you get CM. He will say it's unfair as he didn't want the baby blah blah but he knew sex could result in a baby and it's his child too so don't give him an easy out. You and your baby deserve the money

[catsnore]

I think in your position I would continue with the pregnancy. If a man isn't ready at 38 he won't be ready at 39. It's your body and you who has to physically go though the termination and deal with the emotions, hormones etc.

It's hard to predict the future but it seems possible you might struggle to conceive in the future. This baby has beaten both contraception and endo! He or she is a fighter!

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck 🍀

[ManchesterGirl2]

I don't think it's true that no-one ever regrets having a child, I've seen threads on here where posters admit to that.

But, it sounds strongly that you want this child, so I think you're making the right decision for you.

Your ex sounds like an idiot by the way. What was going to be different in him having a baby at 39 rather than 38.

[WillYouPutYourCoatOn]

@ByBluePoster

thanks for all the comments - really appreciated & a lot is confirming a lot of what I already had going around my head! My meaning behind ‘no expectations’ from the father meant anything outside of the legal requirements. there is no doubt on paternity and he’s already said he’ll support where he has to. Admittedly I haven’t looked into exactly what is what in that sense, but I’d expect him to meet the minimum requirements by law. I’d also be happy for him to have any involvement with the child if he was to change his mind as I’d never let my feelings interfere with my child’s relationship with their father. That said, I know my decision needs to be made on the basis that he won’t, as he’s been clear it isn’t what he wants and I respect that due to the fact the pregnancy was unplanned so if I continue this pregnancy, I’ll do so with the understanding that I can definitely provide what’s necessary from me to ensure the best future for my child.

I wish I could like this a thousand times.

I have the utmost respect for you OP.

So many women know their partner doesn't want the child, know they are choosing a life of single parenthood, yet dedicate the rest of their lives as the victim to anyone who will listen, abandoned by the "deadbeat."

Not you. You take full accountability, full ownership, and full responsibility. If only more women had your honesty about their life choices.

Wishing you and your little one every success and happiness, and with a mother like you, I have no doubt in either x

[Ewoklady]

He has no right to ask you get rid of a baby now and say next year … a man heading for 40 ???
plus you are good enough to live with but not have a child with. He’s a user!