Do I really want a baby? Or has society just made me think that I do?

[Sd183]

I would love to hear your thoughts….do I really want a baby? Or has society and my own hormones lured me in to thinking that is actually what I want? My husband and I are just about to start TTC, something that we have been planning for a year or so now, and honestly, I feel so very ready for a baby. However, I can’t help but feel this niggle in the back of my mind…we have a happy, carefree life, and lockdown has really scuppered our plans for our final years of freedom before settling down. I have just read that raising a child to 21 now costs over £230,000, and I read a study recently that apart from in a few European countries, adults with children report being less happy than those without (including the UK). Has society and marketing done a great job in making me dream of a cute little bundle of joy bringing a family together, all dimples and smiles and happiness, when I know full-well that its mostly long nights, exhaustion, poop, snot and arguments? And that’s before you get to the real “grown up” years? I guess I am asking to hear why having kids has made you happy please, and some reassurance?

I was on the fence and now have a three month old baby. I'm glad I had her and I adore her, but it is hard. No one can tell you whether or not you'll regret it, it's always a risk.

I recommend having a long, honest conversation with your partner about what you both want and expect from children, and how you'll share responsibility. I believe many women who regret having children do so because of a lack of support from their partner. If you're going to stay home for the first year, and/or go part time, what are your and your partners expectations of chores and childcare outside of 9-5? So many women unfortunately end up doing the vast, vast majority of housework and childcare, which leads to resentment and unhappiness.

I love having kids, they are my world. My husband is military so I spend most of my days like a single parent to 5 with another on the way and a dog. Teens are arses lol but other than that it's not so bad raising kids.

I love my kids, and am happy in my life, but next time I'm just gonna have lots of cats instead.

My desire to have my children, was totally overwhelming, I got to 28 and desperately wanted a baby. I had never been bothered before, happily married, a good career etc.

I was lucky and fell quickly, we had two babies in very quick succession.

No regrets at all, they have totally made our lives, my two are 19 & 18 now, the best decision we ever made, everything else pales into insignificance compared to them.

I wonder if you’d get different replies on the Feminism boards than Pregnancy?

Personally i think the older you are before you have your first, the bigger shock it is.
If you have got used to an adult focused lifestyle, it’s quite different than if you have finished growing up, got a job and then start having kids before you start to get used to spending your salary on yourself.

I also think overthinking it turns it into more of a chore than it needs to be, but hard to avoid!

Having your own children is very different, not least because YOU get to set the rules in your own house. I'm sure my children do we stuff that drive other people nuts but I get to decide what hills I want to die on. (Drives me crazy when children wander round with food - mine sit down to eat, or at the very least stand still if we're out and there's nowhere to sit.) There are a lot of lifestyle choices that YOU get to make in your family. We don't have a TV so don't have to deal with crappy kids theme songs and arguments about screen time. Peppa Pig is not inevitable! I'm sure some parents think we're nuts and would rather know every word of Frozen than have their children yowling round their ankles while they cook. In your house, you choose! Some parents play with their children, some don't and choose to find other things to do with them like reading or cooking.

Thinking of cost, YOU choose whether you send them to private school or not, whether you go to the Maldives or the local campsite, whether you buy designer clothes or eBay bundles, whether you load them up with music lessons and sports or make them pick one cheap hobby, whether you go to Alton Towers every the weekend or for a kickabout in your local park, even whether you're a steak family or a lentils family. You can't control your children's likes and dislikes, but you can set boundaries around what you're willing to pay for. Ours are only little now, but things would have to change a lot for us to think about buying them smartphones ever, whereas I'd shell out a lot for a week long art camp.

Also, how many children you have and how far apart makes a difference in lifestyle (although one can't always control one's fertility). I'm pregnant with #3 and when it's born we'll have had three children in four years. Yikes! I can't believe it when I put it like that! Our lives right now are run by their routines, but we as a family will move out of the baby stage quicker than if they were more spaced out. If you're into world travel, one child is cheaper and more portable than four.

Being a mother is about sacrificing everything even when you have nothing left.

I hate phrases like this, sorry! I think they make parenthood sound awful! The first year is really hard and requires running on empty a lot, but you still matter as a person even when you're a mum. It's not good for people to give and give and give until there's nothing left.

I wouldn't say my children have made me happy because I wasn't exactly unhappy before I had them. But they've added another dimension to my life and I love them to bits, so they've made me differently happy to how I was before.

I don’t think I can reassure you because everyone is different. Advice I’d give to anyone planning to TTC is to make sure your relationship is rock solid, because the first year of parenting will expose any cracks in the facade. And make sure that you have a discussion about expectations of the father’s role before getting pregnant- I’m astonished by the numbers of friends who are currently dealing with husbands who think they should do everything for the baby because they’re on maternity leave, refuse to get up at night, never do bedtimes etc. Might work for them (though I doubt it), but it would never work for me!

I meant to add- DS is my whole world and I can’t imagine life without him. Every day is graft but he is an utter delight. That said we are not having another for many reasons, but partly because we know our limit- and DS is definitely it

There was a long thread months ago on whether people loved their partners or children more that got quite harsh in some places. As many of these things, it's individual and comes down to many factors.

Very little of this can be applied universally, which is part of why I think it's important to go through different possibilities with your husband of how you want things to go in future. My original plans got totally destroyed, but we'd worked out different ideas and how to work things out which I think plays a big role in things not getting too overwhelming when spanners end up in the works.

I wasn't sure I wanted a child, well I kind of was but not 100%.

We have DS who is 16 months now. Yes it was hard work, made harder by a challenging pregnancy and PND. I've often said to my husband I'm so glad I don't have to do that again. BUT if you took me back 2 years and said I had to do it all again but I was guaranteed to have the same child I would. It's been a slow burner for me love wise, I didn't have a rush of love and I even had moments of actually not liking him (thanks PND).

Overall though he is amazing, he finds wonder in all sorts of random things and his laugh is the single best noise in the world. He has this cheeky little chuckle he does too when he's doing things (usually crawling away during a nappy change). I often just look at him and I am absolutely amazed that I made him. I just can't imagine not having him, he is at the centre of everything I do and just about every thought I have.

@DDIJ please take this the right way but I would say you need some counselling or support to look at ways you can grow to love your children and not feel the way you you do. I can’t see it being good or healthy for you to feel like that. Also am not judging you.

For me after a long road TTC and a round of IVF am currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first and probably only child. I feel so lucky and privileged that I get to be a mum after yearning for it for so long.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

People kept telling me not to have kids and to go travelling, but I couldn’t think of anything worse for me personally. I love being a mum, alongside other creative pursuits/work and it can be really fun. I mean, it will completely change your life but I doubt society’s made you think you want one, most people who don’t that I know are pretty clear on that front. It’s hard and sometimes heartbreaking, but at other times just so wonderful, watching them learn, hearing their own ideas, seeing their empathy develop and their creativity. Early years can be tough, for me, my ds was very ill and I was very lonely for a while (but I also had an unsupportive husband and no friends with babies, very few friends left in my area) and going in and out of hospital with him. Due to his illness, I was utterly sleep deprived to the point of blowing touch with reality. However, it was all worth it and I’d do it all over again. He’s just given me a cuddle in bed and it’s a real honour when a little human wants to tell you their innermost thoughts and secrets.

Only you can know if you want one. Logically, they are a terrible idea. Are you willing to give up everything for kids? Is this something you know you will deeply regret not doing?

I couldn't ever imagine not having them. So I have, willing to give up everything I love. It's still so so hard, but I don't regret it at all.

We were both on the fence and could have been happy either way.
We have been surprised by how much we enjoy it and how easy we found it. We started with very low, very realistic expectations after lots of babysitting for niblings so that may have helped.

Being a mother is about sacrificing everything even when you have nothing left.

My input on this would be 1. It’s something you want to do because you want to make your children safe, happy and loved and 2. It isn’t that common! If you’re child is severely ill or chronically ill or has issues that make parenting them especially about sacrificing certain things then you may need to, but also those periods often pass as we find ways to manage things.

I wouldn’t say it’s alwYs negative, sometimes it’s positive and almost always heartfelt as you give. However, I think most of the time, you might have some newborn colic and a few stomach bugs, but you’re not giving up an entire life to parent. When you do have to, its usually reccomended you try to find something to help - whether it’s a group of parents with similar lives, respite care, a school or therapist or grandparent who can do a session alone or take the child out so you can do something for you. It’s more about balance and finding your own way.

Personally, life has completely transformed since having kids and it is so much harder but also full of so much joy and I feel incredibly grateful for my children.

That said, I think having kids is the wrong decision for some people: it isn't one size fits all. It's really a decision only you can make.

Everyone talks of having “children” or not but don’t dismiss the idea of having just one child. We had ours with an open mind about trying for a second but when the time came we just felt complete as a family of three and no urge for a second. Of our seven best family-friends with children the same age, three also have onlies.

@Sd183 what age are you if you don’t mind me asking x

[quote Worriesome]@Sd183 what age are you if you don’t mind me asking x[/quote]
I’m 30, which is certainly only adding to the pressure I’m feeling

I've got the best of both worlds in a way.Ds is an only as me and dh met in our 30s and I had ptsd and pnd after a traumatic birth.We have the joy of ds but we can afford to go on holiday abroad,have treats whenever and tbh it really isn't stressful having one child imho.

I’m 30 and now 5 weeks pregnant. I felt a bit like you... we had a lot planned last year in our “last year just the two of us”, and none of it happened. I’m the last of my friends to have kids and I’ve seen how hard it’s been for them, but also how much they love the kids and how much joy they’ve got from them...

I don’t have any family, and DHs family will be very happy but have a tendency to ignore what we want, so it remains to be seen if they’ll be any support...

But any fears disappeared a few days after I got a positive, and I’d be devastated if anything happened now. We’ve talked a lot about how we’ll still do the things that we like doing, and we’ve both got our careers to a place where DH could be an active participant, and he wants that too - so he’s more than ready to do some night feeds, and our work situation will allow either of us to do it, for example.

I don’t think I’d have ever been “ready” before I got pregnant. I like to make decisions logically and you can’t quantify the joy or happiness they bring, so the decision seems heavily weighted towards the inevitable tiredness, crying, poop, stress... but I’m glad we did it. Roll on December

I agree motherhood not 'sacrificing everything', except in extreme examples like having a child with a lot of extra care needs. And again, 'sacrifice' means different things to different people. A woman who loves to look perfectly groomed, go out clubbing and have expensive clothes is likely to find having kids more of a sacrifice than an old scrubber like me! And as I said, if you have family support available (or can afford frequent babysitting), you don't have to give up on social life either.

I have good pregnancies, minimal sickness if at all, some anxiety ( normal I think) and usually for me all is well till the 3rd trimester. My births have resulted in sections which were negative experiences for me. Recovery difficult and unfortunately lots of complications. For many people that alone would put them off.

I do however have a dd and ds I wouldn't choose to live without. We have no family support, mine live over 4 hours away and mil whilst lovely is not particularly interested in helping us having put her child rearing days behind her.

We are both equal parents, dh does just as much parenting as I do and that united front I am greatful for. Our division of labour is also fair, dh cooks and cleans too so not everything is down to me. If he was a lazy partner I would have ditched him before kids. If he had been like that after our dd had been born, there wouldn't have been anymore children. Dont underestimate how important this is. You need to have conversations about how your life will work after kids eg. Which childcare options would you consider, a sahm or dad, reducing hours, compressed hours, who will do night wake ups?, how long you will take for maternity or paternity leave, adjusting commitments to hobbies, reducing commute times to spend more time with the family, who cooks, cleans the most pre kids will they be able to keep that up whilst sleep deprived or will the other partner take over, will you need a cleaner or other domestic help?

The joy of watching my children learn, discover new things and watching their personalities develop is unparalleled to anything I have ever experienced. Yes I get tired, there is a lot of drudgery and stress but my two are fabulous. They entertain themselves, I have never been the type to play for hours on end with them (30 minutes of being a pirate or spy princess is enough for me). I enjoy baking, singing and dancing with them, doing puzzles, reading and teaching them. So much so that I am having a 3rd and last currently.

As for expenses it depends on you, if you buy everything top of the range, spend money on lots of activities for your child, dress them in designer clothes, holidays abroad to exclusive places, private school and saving for uni fees and house deposits , yes it will be expensive. I already have the bigger purchases, clothes will be reused, activities are swimming, gymnastics, football and dance and are as part of a package so cheaper, holidays are likely to be closer to home for the foreseeable, private school is out if reach unless I go full time ( so won't be happening), if higher education isn't free by then they will get loans as I did and they can save and make sacrifices for their own home deposits. Basically parenting can be as expensive as you make it.

I think you need to listen to your gut on this one, it would be stupid and naiive to assume that you would feel differently about having kids once they are here if your gut instinct says they are not for you. If you are both on the same page re wanting kids, talk to each other and go for it x