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Pregnancy

16 yr old Niece is expecting

45 replies

Ronniebaby · 06/10/2004 12:18

Dont get me wrong, I'm sure it is a wonderful thing to have kids early, but my niece is not the Maturist of girls, after discussing with her boyfriend before she fell pregnant that maybe their relationship wasnt the strongest of ones, then falling pregnant, she wasnt anti abortion, but after visiting Brook advisory, was adamant she wasnt going to get rid of it, yet had taken the morning after pill, which technically could be deemed as getting rid.

Now 4 months in to her pregnancy, and having been told by my sister, that she will help with the baby, but isnt taking on the baby it is my nieces respoibility, my mature niece is now throwing at us, well I'll get it adopted or fostered.

And is moaning that her 19 yr boyfriend doesnt understand and wants to go out night clubbing etc and she isnt comfortable anymore with night clubbing and smokey pubs.

Tells my sister that she crys herself to sleep at night, having now realised that she is ruining her life, and that the family arent being supportive just negative about everything.

Had I have known earlier I would have given her advice on child rearing etc, maybe discussed all possibilities, but my niece is more stubborn that a mule.

I wouldnt have made her get rid, just would have help her weight up the pro's & con's, explained that her BF may not stick around, and what life would be like from now on.

I will be very supportive to her, but as I am due in December I cant be as supportive as I would wish to be as I will have my own bundle of joy/screaming to think of.

Are we being selfish, (not just my family but people in general) thinking maybe 16 is to young???

OP posts:
Beetlebug · 06/10/2004 18:24

""my then horrid boyfriend is now my wonderful husband (we got married on Valentines day this year), we are home owners, I am a learning centre assistant in a college, my husband is a train driver and I am due to have baby No 3 in March.""

Not to overtake the thread but I'm sorry if anyone thinks I was bragging . These things as minor as they may be to some are a huge achievement for me as I was told I would never be able to have them.

Ronniebaby there are so many success stories and positive remarks as well as sad stories on this thread, when you show your neice I hope she realises that she is at a place in time where any choice she makes will be supported. And even though someone will put in their 2 pennies worth she will know in her heart that her decision was the right one. Best wishes.

Ronniebaby · 06/10/2004 22:20

Bettlebug, please dont feel like you were bragging, I was and am very impressed and respectful of your story, and award you top marks for your strength.

My niece will have as much support as is possible, she just wont realise it till she is older

OP posts:
edam · 07/10/2004 00:09

Ronniebaby, my sister's baby was an accident. She was a little older than your niece, in her final year at uni, but it was still a huge shock for everyone and we were all very concerned about how she'd manage, and whether she was making the right decisions.
But it's a positive story (so far, touch wood). I've been amazed to see the transformatiom from stroppy, self-centred (only in the same way as everyone else at that age, I was too) young person to mature, responsible adult. When I went to see her the day after my nephew was born, I kept looking at her and looking at the baby and couldn't get my head round the fact that my baby sister was reponsible for this new baby. But she's completely natural with him. Coped with lack of sleep, hormones, all the stuff that makes life really hard.

sallystrawberry · 07/10/2004 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 07/10/2004 12:46

i had my first at 17 years old. it was truly the most horrific time of my life. he is now 14 and the possibility of me being youngish granny looms ahead.

i know in reality i am going to be the "you made your bed" type of person - but offer emotional support where i can and practically maybe pull some strings for a job or a house - i would do all that for him.

i went to college nighclass to do gcse's, i did an access course and my twins were in the college creche whilst my son was at school. i went to university and i have a fairly good paid job.

it was 10 years of hard work, being dog poor and fking miserable that i wouldnt wish on anyone.

Ronniebaby · 07/10/2004 13:06

Having actually spoken to my mother today, she tells me my niece keeps on that this baby will not ruin her life, as she aint keeping it.

Lots more has been said besides that, but my mom isnt one to turn her back on any child her family or anyone elses, but she does believe (in her opinion) that my niece should have had an abortion, as she is still very immature, she is more like a 13 yr old than 16.

Again please dont get my mother wrong, she adores kids, just like me, we are VERY maternal, so for my mother to say this must be gut wrenching.

I'm sure it will all work itself out in the end, but I have assured my family I will be there no matter what my niece decides. This is all I can do.

Thank you again ladies for your comments and own stories, I will be passing them on to my sister and my niece. xxxxx

OP posts:
Easy · 07/10/2004 13:15

Can I stick in my ha-pence worth?

I think if your niece has mentioned adoption, it is something that should be seriously considered, and looked into, if not committed to yet.

IMHO many teenager girls are convinced that 'giving your baby away' is some sort of evil option, when for SOME families it really can be the ideal solution. The baby goes to a home where it is genuinely wanted, the mum gets a second chance at her life (important if you are an immature 16 Y.O.), Mums parents get to continue their established lives and relationships, the young father doesn't feel pressed into a serious committment he isn't ready for.

I know that in earlier times teenage mums were pressured (and sometimes forced) into giving up their baby, but now I think we have gone the other way, pressuring young girls to keep their baby even when it really isn't the best thing for either of them.

I do know of one girl who got pg at 20, giving birth just before finals at Uni. She completely screwed up her degree, and her career ambitions. She isn't the motherly type, was never comfortable with her baby, had no idea about his care. She returned to live with her mother and mother's partner, who now seem to care for the child (now 2 1/2) more than his mother does, she's currently on holiday in Canada for 3 weeks, without him.
I know she feels her life is on hold. I know the child has not had the best cvare he could have. I know that her mother and partner have been under huge stress over the last 3 years, their relationship hangs by a thread. And I truly believe that the family would have been much better if that baby had been adopted.
I know many of you don't agree, but it is another viewpoint.

Easy · 07/10/2004 13:17

Crossed posting RB

KateandtheGirls · 07/10/2004 14:24

I agree completely Easy. Why is everyone so aghast at the possibility of her giving up the baby for adoption?

Ronnie, your post seems to imply that anyone who thinks that abortion should be an option doesn't adore kids and isn't maternal. I totally believe that abortion, while a sad thing to have to happen, can be the best thing in the situation of an unplanned pregnancy, and that has nothing to do with your feelings towards kids.

I always believed in abortion rights, but more adamantly now since I had my children, because I love them so much and know how hard it is to care for them. Anybody can get pregnant, but not everybody is cut out for raising children, especally at a very young age. Of course, the ideal is for there not to be any unplanned pregnancies, but that's not realistic is it?

Ronniebaby · 07/10/2004 21:06

KateandtheGirls - I think you got me wrong, what I meant about my mother is she is from the old school, she'll be 72 this year, and in them days you have to grin and bear your own mistakes so to speak.

So to hear my mom say something like that took me a little by surprise.

This is my opinion and dont shoot me down, but I think that an abortion would have been best for her, but it's too late for that.

My only real concerns now are:

1 - she took the morning after pill (the first time she did it right, take one then 12 hrs later take another, this time the chemist told her to take them both together, (Now I'm not sure it would work properly, altho obviously it hasnt in this case) So my point here is can this type of medication have lasting affects/effects on the baby.

2 - she is now 4 months gone and has only had one AN, partly my sisters fault, so no scans, and no afp's etc, which is worrying as if the MAP did affect her then the AFP would have poss shown it.

3 - there is no way (please dont give me a hard time) on this earth that my niece would even consider bringing up a disabled etc child, my sister I know simply couldnt, my mom is 72 and a bit old for that, and I am pregn due in Decemb so would have my hands full.

and finally 4 - How would it affect my niece on both counts, keeping it or giving it away. It worries me, as I know her very well and at the moment the outlook for the baby would be bleak if kept, she would constantly be blaming the baby and my sister, and resentment would set in. But then giving away she would be always blaming my sister.

God life is so hard sometimes.

We'll just have to ride it thru, altho I will keep you posted, may next March

If someone does know about the Morn Aft Pill etc can they let me know if it can have bad affects etc. , see I'm still ing xx

OP posts:
MTS · 07/10/2004 21:15

Have had a look on on the web and found this re: morning after pill

www.bpas.org/page.asp?id=50&page=51&cont=34

according to BPAS (British Pregnancy Advisory Service) there does not appear to be any evidence of risk to a fetus if the mother has taken the morning after pill. So it would appear to be pretty unlikely that the morning after pill would cause any problems. Also bear in mind that the morning after pill these days just contains progesterone - and AFAIK some women with previous histories of m/c take progesterone in early PG to try to lower the risk of m/c, so would not expect there to be much of a risk to taking progesterone.

Also IIRC there is at least one MNetter who has had a baby after taking the morning after pill, with no problems with the baby.

When is your niece due to have her first scan?

tammybear · 07/10/2004 21:15

I found this ronniebaby which might be helpful. Says that there shouldnt be any harm on the baby. Has your niece made an appointment to see a midwife soon? Like you say which ever your niece chooses, it wont be easy but she needs to be sure that she's doing what's right for her, and that the people around her will support her decision xxx

Beccarollover · 07/10/2004 21:16

Havent read the whole thread but add me to the list of having a baby at a young age isnt necessarily a disaster list!

I had DD at 18 - she is now very nearly 5 and I also have DS just turned 1 (shock horror by a different father and we're not even married yet hehe)

My Mum got a big shock when I fell pregnant but quickly came round and supported me fully, she was at the birth of both my children - however, a bigger shock was in store for her when 18 months later my 14 year old sister gave birth! Paige, her little girl is now coming up to 3 and is an absolute delight. My sister is a brilliant Mum (better than me sometimes I think! She always manages to get her to bed on time!!!). I would go as far as to say that having Paige saved her as she was mixing with a very bad crowd and failing at school but since she had Paige she has sat and passed 10 GCSES and is now studying Psychology, Sociology and Business Studies A Levels in preperation for university.

Much love to your niece - you could ask your HV on her behalf what services are available - I know that round here we have lots of teenage mother support groups and befriending services.

Ronniebaby · 07/10/2004 21:27

Well my sister finally took her to the AN, and is now waiting for the appointment for the scan, so not sure yet,

That has put my mind at rest about the MAP, my sister caught both times with hers whilst taking the pill, altho she was 27.

I dont think having babies at a young age is a bad thing, just my niece is as immature as they get, and I will always love and support her as much as any auntie or human can, whatever she decides.

If you listen to my sister who is 8 yrs old than me,I am a better mother than she was, but thats crap we just do things differently, I have lots of discipline and am organised whereas she is the complete opposite. Ah well life eh!!!

OP posts:
Cam · 07/10/2004 21:39

Ronniebaby, I tell you what, whatever your neice decides she will always be ok because she obviously has a mother and an aunt who care about her totally.

stupidgirl · 07/10/2004 22:35

I'm another one who was pg at 17 and a mum at 18.

I'm now 24 and a single mum with a 6yr old and a 3.5yr old (by different dads).

There are certain things that I feel I've missed out on, but I still think having my kids were the best decisions I ever made. I was drifting before I had ds. I didn't know what I wanted to do and with a very low boredom threshold () couldn't stick at anything.

Now, I have to work that much harder to achieve anything (like fitting in time for myself and my education) so I take those things much more seriously and stick with them. I was quite mature for my age, but I still grew up loads when I had my kids.

It can only be her decision and she needs time and peace to be able to make the decision without pressure.

KateandtheGirls · 08/10/2004 14:55

Thanks Ronniebaby, I think I understand what you were saying about your mum now. Keep ing!

Tipex · 08/10/2004 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummyToSteven · 08/10/2004 23:00

just to agree with tipex re:taking both doses of MAP at the same time being the recommendation these days

MummyToSteven · 12/11/2004 20:17

hiya, just wondering how things were going with your niece, Ronniebaby?

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