Its a girl!- bugger

[HotPie]

So I am 19 weeks gone with baby number one and just found out its a girl. The baby in my head was a boy. We were going to play lego and climb trees and get muddy together.

I thought at first it would be ok, after all its up to me and my partner how we raise her, but friends with girls have said I may not be able to avoid the pink princess stage, my mother in law is intent on dolls and frills and the other "mothers of girls" are drving me crazy with talk of "cuteness"

I have no interest in "sweet little outfits" or those flowery headbands (how weird are they) or playing with dolls and I dispise the kind of girl who plays "dressing up as princesses" just as much as I did when I was a little girl too. I am so scared I am going to get a pink loving girl and that I will dislike my daughter.

I feel like a terrible person, I know how lucky we are to have a ( hopefully) healthy child on the way. Please someone tell me about their mud loving daughter.

Hotpie, most other threads on this forum are women panicking something is going wrong in pregnancy and without exception I imagine all their primary concern is that their baby arrives safely and in good health. So perhaps contrasting with your post you can see why you got these responses.
I get that you have concerns, we all have them about different things but your primary concern should be that the baby arrives safe, not if it wants to put on pink dress - everything else is irrelevant at this point.
FWIW I couldn't care less what sex mine is, because I'm having a BABY and that to me is the most amazing thing in the world. I only hope you can see past the trivial and start to feel the same x

TBF Excited there are quite a number of threads on MN about more trivial things. I agree with others that it's perfectly fair enough to start one about your feelings about your unborn child's gender/ sex (I don't quite understand the differences ?!) Many of us have had a range of different feelings when we've found out which we're having. I think it's a good thing to have somewhere to explore those a little, and un-pack where they might come from. Then challenge them in the hope of building better bonds when the baby arrives.
But equally it's understandable, especially for those ttc, that such thoughts will seem a luxury.

OP I had a similar reaction when I found out DS1 was on his way..

I knew I was having a girl.. I had planned the things we would do together.

I will be honest and tell you that I cried for 3 days.

However, for me that was the joy of finding out at 20 weeks.
By the time DS1 arrived he had a name and I was totally ready to have a little boy..
I now have 2 and they are brilliant. but certainly not what I had expected when I thought about being a parent.

Sorry juggling, wasn't meaning that the OP shouldn't be posting her concerns, more just that you can understand why some people have reacted negatively when they themselves may have concerns relating to the health of their baby.. Nobodies concerns are more or less valid than the poster next to them, but was just trying to say that in the scheme of things there are worse things that could happen. at least that's my approach to any little thought/worry/concern that I have, just focussing on 'as long as it's healthy' everything else I can worry about later!

This inevitable "princess phase" is a bit of a fake modern construct isn't it? I never had one. None of my friends did. My sisters, nope. My DD hasn't either.

And it isn't because she is more like a boy, she isn't a 'tomboy', she's a girl who has her own interests. An individual.

I came here to get some support from people who might have been through the same set of feelings as me. If people think it is trivial, I get that. If people think my feelings are weird or wrong, I get that too. But why didn't they just ignore the post? Why attack me? Why insist on doing the "just be grateful, I would love a child" stuff over and over and over again? Do single or widowed people say "just be grateful you have a partner" every time you complain about your husband? Is that helpful? Ever?

I did get some really nice responses tht helped me put this in perspectve and realise I was being silly. So thanks to those people for that. I also got a load of bitchy, bullying, unhelpful comments that reminded me of why I avoided that big group of gossipy girls in the playground when I was a child and just stuck with catching insects with the geeky kids (both male and female before you start, though mostly male).

Its been an eyeopener, and a reminder of why I choose my friends carefully (not just scientists, I promise).

Right, I'm off to do some work. I've wasted too much time on this crap.

Go well, HotPie !
All the best to you and yours x

Really agree with Orange too - it's a fake modern construct and easy enough to by-pass by and large No need to define yourself or your DD by it at any rate

You got bitchy comments because of your tone, Hotpie, not because of the subject content. There are plenty of threads about gender disappointment that haven't had people jumping down their throats.

I meant subject matter.

Yes OP, your thread was bound to get people's backs up because anyone who happens to have a DD who is wearing a princess dress today... you told them that you despise her!

A lot of people just read the first post. So they'll just be replying to that.

I dont think its about gender at all. Some little boys like wearing pink frilly dresses.

DD1 loves a pink frilly number but Sat next to her on ben10 at Drayton Manor quaking she doesn't half have guts.

Accepting people for who they are and differences is part of life. Unfortunately op I think you have come across some pretty small minded people in your life.

My DD is a pink sparkly dress wearing tree climbing footballer.
She likes her nails painted she also likes making mud pies in the garden.
She does have 2 older brothers though.

I felt this way when I found out the sex of my first baby. It was a girl. Words cannot describe how much I wanted a boy; I was devastated. It's not something you can admit to in many circles; hardly any in fact. It's still a taboo subject for many- I have watched the general opinion on MN become more understanding over the years, but the topic is still very divisive.

I now know I was suffering from ante-natal depression. All my fears and anxieties about having a child were projected onto the gender of the baby. I hated, hated women who were pregnant with boys as I so desperately wanted one. I didn't like girls and felt that my life was ruined. I thought that I would never accept it.

I had counselling with the ante-natal counsellor attached to the hospital- think about speaking to your midwife about this. Interestingly, my counsellor said that she had seen lots of couples, particularly mothers who had experienced gender disappointment after years of infertility, miscarriages and IVF. In a way, she said that they had had more time to construct an image of 'their child' in their head, and had naturally ascribed it a gender. Most commonly, the imagined child was a girl and they were pregnant with twin boys. I was green with envy at the thought of them having boys. I felt like a failure who had spoiled my life.

I also had to face up to a lot of issues of my own- including my own relationship with my mother and issues I had with my own gender. I felt as you do about princess dresses and 'girly' things; one of the reasons I hated them was because I didn't want a girl, and I had to challenge my own perceptions of gender and its signifiers. It's not as simple as telling yourself that girls climb trees too. It was my biggest soul-search to date, and one I am very glad I did- there are positives to feeling the way you do in terms of getting to know yourself and dealing with issues before your baby is born, even if you can't see or feel them now.

And then she was born... and she wasn't a boy, but she wasn't 'a girl' either. She was mine. She was an Angie.

I still felt disappointed, but every day the disappointment lessened and was replaced by love for her. It wasn't an instantaneous process, but I fell utterly and hopelessly in love with her in a way which I could not have anticipated. You cannot know how you will feel once your baby is born; don't try, it's impossible. Just know that you will love her, and you will love her a thousand times more than your imagined daughter. Have faith in that.

I am now in a place where I would not swap her for any other child of either gender, sparkly princess dresses and all. I have even had another girl and feel my family is complete.

Good luck

Oh, and be prepared to become a Feminist with a capital F

Having a daughter made me realise a lot. A LOT.

Glad you're not upset by all the bitching OP.

As you say, there will always be someone 'worse' off than you. One person' grief does not negate someone else's.

I've had cancer. Mine was treatable and curable. Does that mean I'm not allowed to struggle with the scars/people's reactions since there are people for whom cancer doesn't have a 'good' outcome? Of course not.

People have bitched on here because they are hurting, and you are an easy punchbag. Possibly not the right thing to do, but understandable.

Enjoy your pregnancy and enjoy your baby.

I find some of these posts to the op absolutely awful. Shame on you who have criticised her for how she feels or lambasted her because there are worse things. So what? It's all relative. This is something the op is worried about and has posted to explore. Yes maybe her choice of words has been a little clumsy but she doesn't deserve the vitriol. This is the pregnancy topic, not AIBU. A bit of compassion and sensitivity wouldn't go amiss.

Op, do an advanced search for 'gender disappointment' and look for Tether's (Tethersend) threads on the subject. They were very thoughtful, very sensitive and i think many of the posters here posted on her threads in a much more supportive way.

I'm going to hide this thread now because it's making my think badly of posters I otherwise like and I'd rather step away. I expect I'll get a bit of a flaming but I can take it - I'm not pregnant and I'm not looking any way.

X-posted. Hurrah for Tethers :)

Aw, thanks K8.

We never knew the 'make' of our two until they popped out! The first was a boy, which as 'daddy', I was very pleased about. I didn't want a girl. I didn't want to deal with the whole pink thing, the dolls, the princesses, the blokes as girls get older etc......

The second child was a girl. And I wouldn't change her for the world. She is a very pink and girlie girl, but that is who and what she is, I can't force it to be any other way, and wouldn't.

I'm very protective of her, (now 4), and I've learnt how to deal with the pinkness of everything.

The pink thing was my issue, not hers. As the adult, I had to adapt and except my little girl for what she is. A healthy, beautiful, fun, and very pink girl. I love her to bits.

Having gone, and going through it. My only advice to the OP, would be to love your daughter for who she is, not for what you force her to be because of your own prejudices.

Good luck.

Nobody's bullying you OP - a few people rightly pointed out that your post was a bit distasteful and offensive. But I suspect you've spent your life convincing yourself that anyone who criticises you or tries to point out you might not be in the right is a bully or nasty, so why change that now. I do feel very sorry for your little girl though with such a self centred mother, I hope you are able to grow up a little and start putting someone else first once she is born.

I don't really see that you can extrapolate all that from one thread and a few posts from the OP cycling

And lots of us both ..... find criticism a challenge
and ...... naturally find that having our own child does lead to changes in our attitudes, possibly including more mature attitudes to many things, and that having a daughter especially can challenge us and give us the opportunity to take a fresh look at how we and society as a whole view the female sex - as tethers said was the case for her. Though I think I found having a boy equally challenged my thinking in slightly different ways.

Op when you got married did you wear a special white dress? If so then you were buying into the antiquated notions of marriage and being a princess for the day! Just like your wee dd will perhaps dream about.
I understand you to a point...on a baby I don't like too much pink or frills but by the time my little one is old enough to choose she can be a princess if she likes.
i'm an academic by the way so its ok to talk to me (I hope this is the attitude that your DD doesn't pick up...much worse than pink princess)