Visitors after the birth - any advice?

[margarethamilton]

Some background: I'm a first time mom to be. We were ttc for five years before our fifth round of infertility treatment was successful (a previous pregnancy ended in miscarriage after IVF). This baby is much anticipated by us all!

I am 41 + 1 and due to be induced on Wednesday. I can't see anything happening sooner. I've had two sweeps and have another booked on Monday. I know I'll be induced as I know my body and baby is just too high up and shows no sign of playing ball! I'm a bit down about this as plans for an active water birth are in jeopardy therefore.

I need advice about afterwards. My family are all on tenterhooks. I've tried to dial down the craziness and am dealing fairly well with the texts and calls. DH and I discussed visitors after the birth. I don't want anyone at the hospital apart from him. Hopefully, I'll be in for a night only. If I have to have a C section, I will obviously be in for longer and will have visits from all sets of parents (three sets as his are both divorced and remarried). Visiting is very restricted to one hour slots twice a day so not too daunting.

When we come home, we've said that we'd like a day or two to recover, bond and for me to feel like 'myself' before we have longer visits from anyone. My side are all fine with this. However MIL has now started to say she's coming down (lives two hours ish away) straight away - as soon as I've given birth. She and step FIL are staying with a relative after we said staying at ours wasn't an option.

Spoke to DH about this today and said there was no need for her to rush down as soon as the announcement was made. DH has now become quite defensive and gone against what we'd planned and said saying his mom would like to come to the hospital "even if only for five minutes" and that he'd take the baby outside to see her?! I want time to bond, recover, establish BF and so on. Plus, we'd agreed to visitors the day or two days after we came home. Coming to the hospital has never been an option if I don't have a C section. Obviously, her visit wouldn't be for five minutes as that would be unrealistic and she'd have step FIL with her who is a knob.

I've tried to talk to him but he cuts me off saying, "I know what you're going to say". We're at stalemate. How do I balance my needs, our needs and the needs of our families? Please let me know if you've handled this successfully!

Sorry about the essay but didn't want to dripfeed.

[Rowanhart]

Congrats to you both.

Glad it's all worked out relatively stress free. Enjoy every minute!

[Chocaholics]

I had DD on Monday and MIL had a get together of family/friends on the Friday for us. She called everyone and said we were settling in but to come to hers, she did food/drink and we just turned up for an hour or so. Everyone got to see DD and get cuddles in, give presents, congratulations etc then we went home. It was really good as then had no visitors coming bit by bit or having to feel like we needed to clean and look after them. I don't know if you have family close by and could do something like this?

I'm lucky as MIL is just round the corner and lovely.

[Chocaholics]

Aww too slow that will teach me not to read everything! Congratulations!!!!

[HoneyMum21]

Congratulations Margareton your DD :) It's been great reading this thread, my MIL announced as soon as we were expecting that she is going to move in with us for 2 weeks after baby is born. I have told DH quite categorically that there is no way in hell that i will let this happen. He hasn't told her yet and keeps making excuses but i'm not budging on it.

Hope you get to enjoy your bonding with your new family over the next few days :)

[WildWorld2004]

Congratulations

I think what id do if i have another dc is have hospital visits & then a few days at home alone no visitors.

[DaffyDuck88]

Hello, a newbie to Mumsnet. This is all very helpful to hear. I am currently trying to negotiate with my parents (both remarried) re coming over from Australia to see the baby. Parents don't speak to each other, haven't for years. Due date is 19th December and now they are talking about coming for Christmas! We're not even planning anything major for Christmas as we don't know if DD will be on time or late. I don't have room for them and the idea of of them all being here at the same time, let alone hovering around me pre birth is sending my anxiety levels through the roof. Been drafting & redrafting diplomatic emails to send to both explaining why I don't want them to come till after baby arrives. So delighted they are both excited about their first and possibly only grandchild given my age (44), but stressing already about having to negotiate everything. I'd love to think they would just behave like adults just this once, for me, for baby, but know only too well that the snide remarks start within minutes. And if they do, I know I'll be heartbroken that they haven't tried for my benefit and will probably lose it big time.

My poor partner - he is going to have to be the buffer. All I want is to be able to get through the birth with him and then spend a couple of days afterward with just the three of us getting used to each other, everything else feels like a bit of an intrusion at this stage.

I do think though that we have to stand our ground as hard as it might be. Barbed wire and pepper spray are out though of course.
Good luck everyone!

[oscarwilde]

Ooh - fabulous news. Huge congrats. Hope that the MIL/StepFIL have buzzed off back home by now and you, your DH and DD are planning a lovely chilled Bank Holiday weekend mostly by yourselves unless you have chosen otherwise. There's something v peaceful about the early few weeks (if all is going well) when you can curl up on the sofa on a rainy weekend afternoon with your baby asleep on your lap. Enjoy. :)

[Secondsop]

Congratulations Margaret!! Hope you are now having some lovely time with your new family unit. I too have found this thread really usefuld Daffyduck I'm in a not-dissimilar situation to you as my in laws want to come over from Australia "for the birth" whereas I want nobody else here around that time apart from a short visit from my mum a couple of days later to help me. Why they can't visit a couple of weeks after, once we're a bit settled and I'm physically a bit recovered, is utterly beyond me.

[DaffyDuck88]

Belated congratulations!

[smilingmind]

OP I am a MIL and think you are being perfectly reasonable.
I never expected to visit any of my new born grandchildren but asked when it would be a good time. A day later or a week later was OK and I never stayed for long. I had my own children. These were their own to do as they wished.
I offered help, some wanted it others didn't, again totally fine.
Because of this have a good relationship with all my family and ILs. I don't pressure them to visit or for me to visit them and find they actually want to see me which I am so happy and grateful for.
I learned this by having an extremely emotionally blackmailing MIL whose wishes always came first and who made my life hell.
I advise you to stand up for yourself now before you set a precedent.

[YoHoHoandabottleofTequila]

This thread is 4 years old.