Visitors after the birth - any advice?

[margarethamilton]

Some background: I'm a first time mom to be. We were ttc for five years before our fifth round of infertility treatment was successful (a previous pregnancy ended in miscarriage after IVF). This baby is much anticipated by us all!

I am 41 + 1 and due to be induced on Wednesday. I can't see anything happening sooner. I've had two sweeps and have another booked on Monday. I know I'll be induced as I know my body and baby is just too high up and shows no sign of playing ball! I'm a bit down about this as plans for an active water birth are in jeopardy therefore.

I need advice about afterwards. My family are all on tenterhooks. I've tried to dial down the craziness and am dealing fairly well with the texts and calls. DH and I discussed visitors after the birth. I don't want anyone at the hospital apart from him. Hopefully, I'll be in for a night only. If I have to have a C section, I will obviously be in for longer and will have visits from all sets of parents (three sets as his are both divorced and remarried). Visiting is very restricted to one hour slots twice a day so not too daunting.

When we come home, we've said that we'd like a day or two to recover, bond and for me to feel like 'myself' before we have longer visits from anyone. My side are all fine with this. However MIL has now started to say she's coming down (lives two hours ish away) straight away - as soon as I've given birth. She and step FIL are staying with a relative after we said staying at ours wasn't an option.

Spoke to DH about this today and said there was no need for her to rush down as soon as the announcement was made. DH has now become quite defensive and gone against what we'd planned and said saying his mom would like to come to the hospital "even if only for five minutes" and that he'd take the baby outside to see her?! I want time to bond, recover, establish BF and so on. Plus, we'd agreed to visitors the day or two days after we came home. Coming to the hospital has never been an option if I don't have a C section. Obviously, her visit wouldn't be for five minutes as that would be unrealistic and she'd have step FIL with her who is a knob.

I've tried to talk to him but he cuts me off saying, "I know what you're going to say". We're at stalemate. How do I balance my needs, our needs and the needs of our families? Please let me know if you've handled this successfully!

Sorry about the essay but didn't want to dripfeed.

[YoHoHoandabottleofTequila]

This thread is 4 years old.

[smilingmind]

OP I am a MIL and think you are being perfectly reasonable.
I never expected to visit any of my new born grandchildren but asked when it would be a good time. A day later or a week later was OK and I never stayed for long. I had my own children. These were their own to do as they wished.
I offered help, some wanted it others didn't, again totally fine.
Because of this have a good relationship with all my family and ILs. I don't pressure them to visit or for me to visit them and find they actually want to see me which I am so happy and grateful for.
I learned this by having an extremely emotionally blackmailing MIL whose wishes always came first and who made my life hell.
I advise you to stand up for yourself now before you set a precedent.

[DaffyDuck88]

Belated congratulations!

[Secondsop]

Congratulations Margaret!! Hope you are now having some lovely time with your new family unit. I too have found this thread really usefuld Daffyduck I'm in a not-dissimilar situation to you as my in laws want to come over from Australia "for the birth" whereas I want nobody else here around that time apart from a short visit from my mum a couple of days later to help me. Why they can't visit a couple of weeks after, once we're a bit settled and I'm physically a bit recovered, is utterly beyond me.

[oscarwilde]

Ooh - fabulous news. Huge congrats. Hope that the MIL/StepFIL have buzzed off back home by now and you, your DH and DD are planning a lovely chilled Bank Holiday weekend mostly by yourselves unless you have chosen otherwise. There's something v peaceful about the early few weeks (if all is going well) when you can curl up on the sofa on a rainy weekend afternoon with your baby asleep on your lap. Enjoy. :)

[DaffyDuck88]

Hello, a newbie to Mumsnet. This is all very helpful to hear. I am currently trying to negotiate with my parents (both remarried) re coming over from Australia to see the baby. Parents don't speak to each other, haven't for years. Due date is 19th December and now they are talking about coming for Christmas! We're not even planning anything major for Christmas as we don't know if DD will be on time or late. I don't have room for them and the idea of of them all being here at the same time, let alone hovering around me pre birth is sending my anxiety levels through the roof. Been drafting & redrafting diplomatic emails to send to both explaining why I don't want them to come till after baby arrives. So delighted they are both excited about their first and possibly only grandchild given my age (44), but stressing already about having to negotiate everything. I'd love to think they would just behave like adults just this once, for me, for baby, but know only too well that the snide remarks start within minutes. And if they do, I know I'll be heartbroken that they haven't tried for my benefit and will probably lose it big time.

My poor partner - he is going to have to be the buffer. All I want is to be able to get through the birth with him and then spend a couple of days afterward with just the three of us getting used to each other, everything else feels like a bit of an intrusion at this stage.

I do think though that we have to stand our ground as hard as it might be. Barbed wire and pepper spray are out though of course.
Good luck everyone!

[WildWorld2004]

Congratulations

I think what id do if i have another dc is have hospital visits & then a few days at home alone no visitors.

[HoneyMum21]

Congratulations Margareton your DD :) It's been great reading this thread, my MIL announced as soon as we were expecting that she is going to move in with us for 2 weeks after baby is born. I have told DH quite categorically that there is no way in hell that i will let this happen. He hasn't told her yet and keeps making excuses but i'm not budging on it.

Hope you get to enjoy your bonding with your new family over the next few days :)

[Chocaholics]

Aww too slow that will teach me not to read everything! Congratulations!!!!

[Chocaholics]

I had DD on Monday and MIL had a get together of family/friends on the Friday for us. She called everyone and said we were settling in but to come to hers, she did food/drink and we just turned up for an hour or so. Everyone got to see DD and get cuddles in, give presents, congratulations etc then we went home. It was really good as then had no visitors coming bit by bit or having to feel like we needed to clean and look after them. I don't know if you have family close by and could do something like this?

I'm lucky as MIL is just round the corner and lovely.

[Rowanhart]

Congrats to you both.

Glad it's all worked out relatively stress free. Enjoy every minute!

[RubyrooUK]

Congratulations on your DD!!!!

I think it's lovely if people come over to be a help but ultimately most of them are coming to see the baby.

I always take new parents some large quantities of freezable food though because my best friend did this for me and it was amazing. It made the first week so much easier to have so many meals prepared for us.

But when my inlaws came to visit, they didn't do any housework/cooking (but did make us all cups of tea etc) but I know my MIL is very "hands off" and wouldn't want to offend me by taking over in my own house. So I didn't really expect that from them.

Yes, I loved the help when it came but I didn't expect it. I wouldn't want to be expected to start cleaning someone else's house on visiting their new baby. But obviously it is really nice if you can do something (like take food) to make their life easier.

[margarethamilton]

Sorry last few days have been hectic. Our daughter was born on Wednesday night after the induction worked very quickly! I was discharged on Thursday. So no hospital visitors.

Visitor wise, my parents, sister and BIL came to see us at home on Thursday evening for an hour but I was still spaced out from lack of sleep, g and a, hormones etc that I can't remember much! It was lovely to see their response to the new arrival.

MIL and step FIL have been today for four hour visit. It was fine tbh but I did disappear to BF and sleep! They went for a walk with DH and DD in pram. They didn't bring anything practical but did bring flowers and champagne. DH told his mum to make some tea which she did. She had a good cuddle. There were no offers to iron, washing I'd done stayed in washer, dirty cups left in kitchen, dishwasher needed to be emptied but tbh I'm so tired, it washed over me. They're just very different to my family. BIL walked in, put the kettle on and got on with it for example. My mom ironed everything and changed the bed too!

I suppose the crux of all this debate is do you go to see parents of a newborn to be a practical help or to be a visitor?

[elizaregina]

My family have no interest in my baby other than being told about it. My SIL has just had her first but I am really struggling as find it soo hard to see all her family fussing over her and wanting to take care of her and it makes me sad that I have never had that.
The GP's are just excited and want to be a part of this special time. No advise on how to manage this but really just wanted to say enjoy being made a fuss of x "



This was the mistake I made though, I had no one to make a fuss except the pils, but the birth made some nasty feelings really bubble to the surface, the kind intentions were not there for me, just cruel and judgemental...and cristising....then the eruption came when she exploded at me.

i wanted help was more than willing to accept it but when the time came - it became clear the help was given very begrudgingly!

only op knows whether mil will be helpful or not. no new mother needs to be put down or critised or feel like the baby is being snatched away....

[datingthedevil]

Hi Margaret,
I was of completely the same opinion as you. It's my first too and I didn't want a very bossy mil coming and taking over. My bf (now ex bf) took the view that his mother was ok visiting the baby as soon as he arrived and i had visions of him wrestling the baby from me to give to her. Stick to what is best for you. People say you have years to bond so what does it matter if you have visitors after the birth but you wont get those precious first few hours back. Good luck and I hope it works out x

[PiggyMad]

Good luck! Keep us updated!

[londonlivvy]

Margaret - good luck! I hope it goes well.

I also come from a different perspective of actually wanting a bit more in the way of family support... my other half's family are in NZ so no chance of a visit from them. My sisters live abroad and my parents are old and ill and 6 hours' drive away. So we will have no visitors in hospital and as most of our friends aren't that fussed about babies, I can't imagine they'll be rushing round to say well done or bring food or whatever. So it's entirely possible that we'll have no visitors at home until my MIL turns up for Christmas (due date 1st Nov). My OH is also at uni 3 nights a week so I will be spending a lot of time alone. I am very thankful for mumsnet and NCT which are helping me build a network on which I can hopefully rely when things are tough.

I appreciate that family love can be overwhelming and at times everyone just wants some space, but with some compromise on both sides, I'm sure the love and support they provide will counterbalance the suffocatingness!

Best wishes to your growing family.

[jenbird]

Firstly good luck!
I just wanted to add to this thread as I come from a slightly different perspective. My family have no interest in my baby other than being told about it. My SIL has just had her first but I am really struggling as find it soo hard to see all her family fussing over her and wanting to take care of her and it makes me sad that I have never had that.
The GP's are just excited and want to be a part of this special time. No advise on how to manage this but really just wanted to say enjoy being made a fuss of x

[DonnaDoon]

Good luck Margaret...long may your lilttle bubble last x

[margarethamilton]

Well, in hospital now being induced. DH has spoken to his mom who's staying where she is for now. Induction, so I've learned can be a much more drawn out process than I anticipated!! He's become super protective of me and we're in our own little bubble at the moment.

Thanks for all your advice and for sharing how you dealt with things. Going to get on with having a baby and take it from there. But at least, after our talk, we're on the same page.

[PiggyMad]

I'm going against the grain here of everyone saying it is easier in hospital. I ended up with a third-degree tear and a spinal to fix it, was exhausted and weepy and very uncomfortable. I didn't have anyone at hospital and I'm so pleased I didn't. It was my first labour and child and I was so shell-shocked by it all, despite it being a quick and 'easy' labour. I might feel differently for subsequent children, but I found it easier seeing people in my own home and comfort. I just went upstairs to bed with the baby if people outstayed their welcome.

[pokeypants]

If you want a couple of days to yourselves you go ahead and take them! Your DP's job at this time is to support you and your needs whatever it takes for you to be comfortable happy and relaxed. His mother can wait he should be putting you first now, and as for whipping your newborn away outside so his mother can have 5 minutes peep what planet is he on? Its obviously trying to make you feel bad and say oh ok come on in. Selfish bloke I'd say I would put my foot down. unfortunately i think this is one thing women earn the right to have first say on!

[Badgerina]

Definitely worth coming up with some kind of compromise with your other half though. I tend to find with these sorts of things, the disgareement between yourselves causes more of an issue than the actual result.

This.

[whatsoever]

I was very much feeling that I wanted people to stay away for a bit after giving birth (mainly because I don't like the thought of people seeing me blood and milk stained, looking like hell on earth) but now I'm softened a bit - I'm 32+5 at the moment.

I'm definitely going with a close family only policy in the first couple of weeks, as I won't feel bad expecting them to put the kettle on, treat us to a takeaway or pop to the corner shop, and to tidy up after themselves!

Definitely worth coming up with some kind of compromise with your other half though. I tend to find with these sorts of things, the disgareement between yourselves causes more of an issue than the actual result.