Visitors after the birth - any advice?

[margarethamilton]

Some background: I'm a first time mom to be. We were ttc for five years before our fifth round of infertility treatment was successful (a previous pregnancy ended in miscarriage after IVF). This baby is much anticipated by us all!

I am 41 + 1 and due to be induced on Wednesday. I can't see anything happening sooner. I've had two sweeps and have another booked on Monday. I know I'll be induced as I know my body and baby is just too high up and shows no sign of playing ball! I'm a bit down about this as plans for an active water birth are in jeopardy therefore.

I need advice about afterwards. My family are all on tenterhooks. I've tried to dial down the craziness and am dealing fairly well with the texts and calls. DH and I discussed visitors after the birth. I don't want anyone at the hospital apart from him. Hopefully, I'll be in for a night only. If I have to have a C section, I will obviously be in for longer and will have visits from all sets of parents (three sets as his are both divorced and remarried). Visiting is very restricted to one hour slots twice a day so not too daunting.

When we come home, we've said that we'd like a day or two to recover, bond and for me to feel like 'myself' before we have longer visits from anyone. My side are all fine with this. However MIL has now started to say she's coming down (lives two hours ish away) straight away - as soon as I've given birth. She and step FIL are staying with a relative after we said staying at ours wasn't an option.

Spoke to DH about this today and said there was no need for her to rush down as soon as the announcement was made. DH has now become quite defensive and gone against what we'd planned and said saying his mom would like to come to the hospital "even if only for five minutes" and that he'd take the baby outside to see her?! I want time to bond, recover, establish BF and so on. Plus, we'd agreed to visitors the day or two days after we came home. Coming to the hospital has never been an option if I don't have a C section. Obviously, her visit wouldn't be for five minutes as that would be unrealistic and she'd have step FIL with her who is a knob.

I've tried to talk to him but he cuts me off saying, "I know what you're going to say". We're at stalemate. How do I balance my needs, our needs and the needs of our families? Please let me know if you've handled this successfully!

Sorry about the essay but didn't want to dripfeed.

[JennerOSity]

ZZZZZ makes a good point - day 3 is notorious for mystery buckets of tears. So visitors on day 2 or 4 would be best. :)

[margarethamilton]

This is all really good advice. I knew I'd find that on MN .

Thanks zzzzz. That's advice I can especially relate to. I really do want my daughter to have good relationships with all of her family so your last paragraph really resonated with me. I am hormonal (and a bit controlling!) When your fertility has been out of whack for so long, you get like that!

But just to reiterate, I absolutely respect and want to nurture good relationships with all. Just felt a bit put out to have our 'plans' changed. DH's talk of his ma sitting in the car outside the hospital at one point did freak me out completely!!

[Dogsmom]

I'm not a fan of visitors either, we never invite people round for dinners etc, we're homebirds and prefer to socialise then come home and so I completely sympathise with people not wanting a stream of visitors to see a baby especially in the early days.

Hubby & I plan to let both sets of GP's come to the hospital then for the wider family we'll take baby to his parents for an couple of hours when we're ready for that side to come and look if they wish and the same with my parents. That way we control how long we're out and don't have to sit at home wishing they'd go away. We also don't have to make sure the house is immaculate or make cups of tea.

With the op if MIL is insiting on visiting and wont take no for an answer and hubby wont back you up then take yourself off to bed when they visit and make the most of a couple of hours kip while they look after the baby.

[ValiumQueen]

I have not read the whole thread, but personally I would allow visitors in hospital as there will be so many other people around anyway you will not get any peace, and days in hospital can really drag. It would then keep them happy, so hopefully you would not have too many visitors in the early days at home. If you have a section you may well be home after two nights anyway.

Your DH needs to be on door duty when you are home, and needs to communicate your wishes. I actually put a sign on my door when baby and I were sleeping threatening nasty things if anyone disturbed us (that was with DC1, no chance with subsequent babies)

My MIL visited for 2 weeks after DD2 was born. I do not recommend it! I had had a section and yet was making her tea and meals?? I have told her clearly she is not staying after this one, and she is pissed off, but I do not care

Do what you want, but do consider others feelings. They will want to see you and your baby. That is natural.

[GodisaDj]

It was visitors 2-3 weeks later that exhausted me.

Visitors after the birth were really welcome; suppose it depend on dynamics of family etc but my family and close friends had been through the IVF with me so wanted to be a part of the celebration (who could blame them).

You may have this overwhelming sense of showing off your long awaited bundle (Dd is 12 months and was IVF egg donation).

My visits went like this:

Day 1: mum and step dad / MIL and SIL in hospital. 30 minutes each and then DP kicked them out.

Day 2: left hospital by 3pm, our two best friends (a couple) came in the evening and brought Sunday dinner for DP and I and friend did my hair(!) whilst dd slept (she's a mobile hairdresser)

Day 3: MIL popped in during day with food and took my ironing away (10 min visit). Mum and step dad on the evening, with food.

Day 4: SIL+dn's and best friend and MIL. Lots of food brought and lovely floor picnic was eaten. A really happy day for me. My milk came in that afternoon and I cried lots so was lovely to have family around. MIL did a bit of housework for me. Dad and step mum came on evening, brought steaks and casserole, Step mum put my washing away.

Day 5-7: just us (with lots of food in the fridge!).

As you can see, food was a common theme and I wasn't afraid to ask for things to be done. I felt it was a bit of an exchange (you see baby = but could you do x, y, z!)

See how you feel once baby arrives.

Have you tried acupuncture to get labour started? I was also 41+2 and had acupuncture on the Friday and dd arrived exactly 24 hours later. It relaxed me and things started happening then.

All the best. Let us know what you have!

[SlightlySuperiorPeasant]

I'm on DC2 and am planning to try to get all 'first visits' done at the hospital if we're kept in. Reasons being:

• visiting times are strictly controlled so no long visits and the midwives will do the kicking out for me.
  
• visitor numbers are restricted to 2 at a time so no pass-the-parcel with the baby.
  
• I will be in a hospital bed so look 'ill' and no one will expect me to play hostess.
  

Last time round I found that home visitors stayed for far longer than they were welcome, came at odd times or all evening when I wanted to sleep and expected looking after. If we can get those first visits out of the way in the controlled hospital environment then it means we can then get a few days to ourselves at home with no complaints.

[margarethamilton]

Are people generally ok with requests to bring food? Seems common looking at posts here and on other threads. Just didn't know how visitors would react to this? Must admit, it would really take the pressure off. As MIL lives far away, we are used to playing host iyswim.

[Sirenetta]

I am due around 1 Feb and have sort of the opposite dilemma with the new GPs, namely how much I should actively ask for help (this is our first). I live in the US and my parents live in the UK, and they're university professors so it's not one of the natural breaks in their schedules in Feb - in other words, default is that they will not be here at all unless I really make the argument. My MIL lives only 1.5 hours away from us, and we have a great relationship, but she and we have yet to discuss what her visiting schedule might be. My guess is she is being extra sensitive to not being overbearing. Question is: are we more likely to want "peace and quiet" or are we going to be desperate for another pair of hands? My mother thinks the latter from her experience with me and my sister, but maybe it depends on the birth and the sort of baby?

[ValiumQueen]

I have a friend who organised her mates to bring meals the first few days. It was pot luck as to what you got, and we did order a pizza after one of the meals was just too scary, but it was lovely. Most of them I did not know, and they bought gifts too. They stayed long enough to deliver and explain heating, and we gave a quick glimpse of the baby which they loved. Perhaps you could delegate someone to arrange a similar thing, but with relatives?

[Badgerina]

"The midwives have said its best for mum
and baby, if the visitors could wait for a few days"

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[thixotropic]

You will have had a baby, DO NOT get suckered into being hostess. Your baby, your rules. If they want to visit. They bring food AND do at least one household chore.

I read do many threads on here, New mums complaining they were running round getting cups if tea for everyone.

Just don't.

Enjoy your baby.

[SlightlySuperiorPeasant]

sierenetta I have a great relationship with my MIL and she came to stay the week after DS was born. For two weeks she did all the night feeds and settling. I was expressing (takes twice as long as breastfeeding! No idea why anyone would plan on doing it) so the help was an absolute lifesaver.

TBH though my ideal re-run would involve renting a holiday cottage with a maid service for a week after DS had been born and having a baby moon with just him and DH. No visitors, no housework, just time getting to know each other.

[margarethamilton]

TBH though my ideal re-run would involve renting a holiday cottage with a maid service for a week after DS had been born and having a baby moon with just him and DH. No visitors, no housework, just time getting to know each other.

My friend at work did this! She went to a hotel after a few days for a week because they were so overwhelmed. It was very brave! But she said it was brilliant.

Think I will get some cake and biscuits in. Might even spend these last few boring days baking!

[GodisaDj]

@ Margaret re:food. I made a joke about this continuously through my pregnancy regarding visitors and food so think it might just be me and my love of food

I have got a fair few friends and a large family (with step parents, siblings etc) so knew visitors would be continuous over a few weeks rather than days.

I had a scrap bit of paper the day after I come home saying Monday to Sunday vertically and am, pm & evening horizontally. If someone called and wanted to visit, I'd 'book' them in (obviously didn't tell them that, just would say 'oh Wednesday isn't good for me, could you come Tuesday pm')

Anyone coming in the evening, I would ask what they were doing for dinner and make arrangements that they could cook in my kitchen (most people coming to see me straight from work), that they could bring ready made food and eat with us or we'd have a takeaway.

I also never saw more that two lots of people in one day and put a gap between visits too, eg: morning visitors and evening, or afternoon only. This all went to pot when DP had enough of visits and I was tired, trying to breastfeed with mastitis and he just cancelled on everyone over a 4 day period; it was blissful

[nearlymumofone]

OOOh I had exactly same problem with MIL last time round. In the end she actually gave us quite a bit of space and left it about 4/5 days before coming down at all.

I've got to say the first few days without really any visitors was so special and necessary for us. I really do recommend it.

I was due to be induced, but went into labour the day before, so hopefully that will happen for you too. Get as many sweeps in as you can- my final sweep sent me into active labout immediately- ds was born within 10 hours.

good luck

[RubyrooUK]

I'm pregnant with DC2 and had exactly your worries with DC1. My mum said she was prepared to drive 6 hours (MIL for 4 hours) to see the baby on the day after it was born.

I wasn't keen but frankly was so amazed with DS and being in hospital was so surreal that actually it wasn't bad. Everyone turned up for a short visit and held the baby. My mum got on my wick a bit by crying about her own baby (me) and making slightly competitive remarks about PIL (with mental new grandparent fervour). But it was short and fine.

The first couple of days at home were much more stressful and I found it hard work when midwives turned up at the same time as friends/family.

So my advice: let everyone come to the hospital for their 5 minutes and then tell them that you need to see how you're coping at home and you'll arrange any further visits when you know. Hospital visits are much easier in my opinion.

Oh and now with DC2, I have realised how valuable grandparents are to my first child, so this time I will let anyone come to hospital and get their fix. Hospital will never be an intimate babymoon experience and it will get that "first look at the grandchild" madness out of the way.

[RubyrooUK]

Ps. Congratulations on your pregnancy margaret. Good luck with everything.

[SammyB30]

Hi, firstly huge congrats!!
Just wanted to add my experience....

I was induced and was in for one night but pretty much two whole days. Visitors at the hospital were very welcome and no one expected me to do anything and nurses and hubby kept a close eye on whether me or DD were getting tired or agitated. However my whole family (whom I'm very close to) all descended on me at home about an hour after I got home. They stayed for a couple of hours and quite frankly I hated it! I cried after they left Just wasn't ready to be invaded and have DD taken off me and passed around. Also as you said, BF is pretty major on the first few days and it pretty much takes up all your time trying to get to grips with it and for that you def don't need an audience!!

Good luck with the birth and everything afterwards!

[elizaregina]

unfortunalty margret you will be amazed how having a baby brings out the best and the worst in people.

your MIl has already shown signs of being out of control and putting HER feelings absoluty before yours and the babies by laying this pressure on you.

its a real real shame your DH cant empahtise with how you might be feeling after the major event of a body expelling a baby.....which BTW you dont know how will turn out - and is putting the needs of his mammy first....

so, who is going to put you first?

YOU .

You lay down the law - its non negotialble - if you have a good enough realtionship to talk to MIL, you tell her how your feeling, you tell her when she can see baby....

hopefully she will be nice and reasoable about it - if not - you tell her - the tinest peep out of her may cause problems.

if you cant talk to her - i would simply lay down law to dh.

its non negitalble - you are about to have a baby for goodness sake - the baby has its whole life to meet grandma - and you dont want any extra pressure on you.

BTW last time my MIL caused problems throughout my whole pregnancy - always negative, sucked all joy out of it - SHE would say how wonderful she was - having fun with her mum out buying a pram for us, sourcing stuff - whilst trying to deny us the pleasure....

she was a nightmare once DD was her e- and i do mean and uncontrollable nightmare....it was insane. grabbing baby saying so many provocative things....culminating with her verbally attacking for me for over an hour when dh was out.

SO...this tiem she doesnt know. i cant tel you what bliss its been and knowing after birth - this DD will be in my arms - with no one hovering near to take her from me and make nasty comments...there will be no negativy this time! praying all goes well just pure bliss and joy. cant wait to have baby - and DD1 and DH all to myself!

Be strong, dont let her push you.

[Ijustneedsomespace]

I am currently pregnant with dc2. With ds loads of people were at the house and I hated it. On day 3 (crying day) I had to leave the living room so that I could cry without anyone around!

My sil had a great strategy when she had her twins. She stayed upstairs in her bedroom with the babies. People came to visit and popped up to see her and the babies but because it feels like a private space (she even had curtains closed and lamplight) they didn't linger over long. Instead people went back downstairs and had a cuppa and a chat between themselves with her dh. Then her dh would say 'I'd best go see how dts are getting on' and go upstairs. People often took that as their cue to leave.

I have still not quite forgiven a good friend of mine for staying about 7 hours on day three. Neither I nor dh could bring ourselves to tell him to leave, I wish I had though. I guess all in all having relatives visit is fine, as long as they don't stay for long.

[Ijustneedsomespace]

BTW this time we will not even be calling or texting family as soon as the baby is born. Ds arrived at 1am, this time we would wait until the next day to call people, instead of calling them right away.

[DonnaDoon]

Thats exactly what Im going to do this time Ijust...Be in bedroom with babies and hiding away from visitors...but I mean why should we have to? Why are we so god damned polite? Grrrr

[margarethamilton]

Thanks eliza. Very good advice. DH is great but as I've said has 'issues' with his mom due to the split. Saying "No" is very hard for him. But I overheard him talking to her on the phone last night saying, "The weekend is probably best". Why he hasn't said anything to me is unknown?! But it seems he's trying to put her off 'til then anyway.

I'm going to talk to him about it again tomorrow putting some of the points people have suggested here and discussing our original plan. I don't think he realised just how much the potential changes to our birth plan have thrown me.