Preamble
Sorry for the length. I try to cover everything as I find that the more people understand the issue, the easier it is to address.
Core Issues
Toilet training is a very stressful time for your child. You are trying to reverse a skill that was taught to your child from birth. As a result, for your child, it is a reverse to what s/he knows, and if forced on him/her, s/he will reject it. Voiding need already exists from birth - it is something that we have taught our children to ignore for our own convenience and social acceptability. Even a new born will fuss for attention and help when s/he needs to void. Most ignore this, and via praise prior and post the event, tell our children to just wet and mess on themselves. Recall the phases "Who's a gooood baby. Did you make a present for mommy" "Is my little precious all wet" "Let mommy/daddy get rid of that nasty..." This is called treat training which is a slightly advanced form of Pavlovian training - pairing a stimulus with a conditioned response = interaction/praise from/with you for wetting/soiling one self. This becomes autonomic - something done without direct conscious control... and is what you are trying now to reverse.
Everything that your child knows is based on prior learning - and the order your child learnt these is based on his/her choice. However, diaper usage is with it since birth - the nurse etc., at birth, cleaned your child and placed it in a diaper. One of the first skills your child learnt was to ignore its voiding needs and just void. You reinforced this training. Everything else your child learnt is after this. Your child's ability to stand, talk, walk etc. is based on the bulk between his/her legs - the feeling that has been with him/her since birth - and you are trying to remove that from him/her.
Really, what we do to our children is a form of child abuse - teach them to void into a diaper, and then when we want, torment them to undo all that training. Aren't we lucky that most of us don't remember our own toilet training... and how would a psychiatrist deal with that one? Let’s teach our own children in a way that they won't need psychiatric help when we are finished?
We can do it the easy way with the help of our little angels.... or the hard way. If you are reading this, I can assume that you tried, and are realizing how strong and stubborn your little angel can be! Do not blame him/her.... we created this problem ourselves and s/he does not understand. So, the easy way is to get your little angel to do all the hard work. That doesn't mean that from now own, you will never have to change a wet / messy diaper.... it means that from now on, the number of wet / messy diapers will get less and less, if done correct.... OR, if done wrong, the messy diapers will get fuller and fuller - which means messy clothes etc. and a cranky household.
Question & Answers
Q. During the transition from diapers to pants, your child will get scared and run back to a time where s/he feels comfortable. Does your child know this?
A. No.
Q. Can your child look for your help?
A. Yes, but there is a catch.
Note: When a child is in a situation that they don't understand, they get stressed. If your child can communicate this so you can understand, the stress maybe alleviated. If not, the stress grows to a full blown tantrum. The child, following the tantrum, will regress back to a time that s/he can understand. This regression is common, and a form of self-comfort to the child.
Q. Can either of you help your child in this?
A. No. You don't have the key information to help your child. See next question & answer.
Q. Can you remember your transition from diapers?
A. No, most people can't remember. As a result, all you can do is comfort and offer your child support - but you are doing that already.
Stress, It's Issues, and How to Avoid It
Potty Training has to be done in steps to allow your child to make the transition in such a way as not to create stress.
Note, I said 'create' stress, and not add to stress. This should never be a stressful time for either of you. If you’re trying to toilet train due to some goal / milestone / time schedule, this will put you under pressure, and will stress you. Your child will pick up on this, see it as a change to what s/he is used to, and regress.
As a result, you both will fail and have to attempt this at a later stage. This has to be a natural calm transition, not a rush cause X preschool / Y school / Z crèche will not accept my angel if s/he wears diapers or my child is older than 3 etc. and still in diapers! As I told you already, it is your child that chooses when to conquer what skill, not you / I / your mother / father / some doctor or supposedly child care expert!
Stressors and Lies
...from an elder / entitled / etc.
"In my day..."
In the elder’s day, medical science was not as advanced. We were not aware of the reasons for the behaviour of children. Most babies wore cloth diapers, toilets were holes in the ground and plastic wasn't as available. That means that a baby, with a wet / soiled diaper leaked, and therefore very rarely was in a wet / soiled diaper for very long. It was the French that decided to use a white cloth nappe - French word for tablecloth - that was anglicized to become nappy. The American term diaper came from the old French diapre which means clothed. As a result, the correct phrase would be one diaper a baby with a nappy. Prior to diapers / nappies, children wore nothing below their waist and often would be naked. It was royalty etc. that decided to hide infant genitalia with a table cloth etc.
...from an entitled / someone trying to belittle you etc.
"There must be something wrong with your child - my child was toiled trained at x months..."
As previously identified, children reach milestones in their own time and in their own order. It is not unusual for one of a twin to be able to run around, but not be able to talk while the other is constantly talking but still won’t stand / walk. Similar exists with diaper / toilet usage as compared with any other milestone. It is just we tend to over associate diaper usage with baby behaviour more than any other actions. Look at hand to eye coordination, for example, you / your partner when drunk. It is not the first time you / your partner got drunk. Some drunk people wet/soil themselves while awake/asleep. Your child has stopped soiling its diaper while asleep, and will wait till its awake to soil. You/your partner blame the alcohol - but you / your partner have experience being drunk so by rights, you should have learnt. This is a key point - the reason you/ your partner did not learn was that it is not a skill that either of you think you need - to have fine muscle control while under the influence of alcohol. Your child has already made that call in relation to diaper / toilet usage, so why criticize him/her. Your job is to give your child the options. S/he will make the correct choice given the time.
...from a crèche / child care facility / business etc.
"All entrants must be potty trained"
This is to reduce their costs. A staff bathroom is a legal requirement in a business. A diaper changing station is not. It takes time, and staff away from the core business to change a diaper. It depends on the country the ratio of care-workers to children, and normally it is in the 1:8 ratio = one career to eight children. However, if one career is in a one to one engagement with a child - like changing a diaper etc. - the business needs to employ extra staff to handle this. As a result, this rule is for their profit, not for your child's care / interest.
Secondly, as previously identified, a child will regress when placed in an unfamiliar environment. This means that your rushing to get your angel toilet trained to suit this business' profit margin will end up with you being called to take an over stressed scared wet and messy child home to be cleaned. When this happens, is it the child's fault / or yours? Who is going to cover the weeks / months and maybe years of counselling that might be required to get your child back to the level s/he was before you exposed him/her to this level of abuse?
...from misreading of medical newsletters etc.
"The average age for toilet training is 27 months"
This is a quote from the statistics of John Hopkins Medicine. When one reads the full article, one can see the phrase Children develop at different rates. This is key here, but its value and actual meaning is hidden within the report. What John Hopkins Medicine is trying to identify, poorly in my opinion, is that everyone is different and everyone is unique.
Secondly, what is being hidden is the source data from these statistics. It is true that since John Hopkins Medicine records began, 1830s to date, approximately 200 years, 12 million were born, and in that 12 million, the average age for toilet training is 27 months.
What is not identified is that the toilet training age has been increasing since 1930s.
Year | Training Age
1930 12m (1 year)
1960 18m (1y 6m)
1990 30m (2y 6m)
2000 40m (3y 4m)
2010 48m (4y)
2020 52m (4y6m)
These are the average for that year, but is still does not mean that your child should fit into that average. It is more likely that your child will not. back to the phrase Children develop at different rates. added to that everyone in the world is different and unique, as is your angel. In some areas, 5 - 15 year olds are still in diapers.
Actual Training Steps
The steps will mean more wet / messy diapers / pull-ups - so in reality, nothing much has changed - but it will by the decision of your child. Your child will look for more 'you and her/him' time during this. You may see it as him/her deliberately wetting / soiling his pull-up so s/he can get the extra time it takes to clean up. Do not worry about that - it is his/her inner self trying to revert to what s/he knows. As I stated, this will take your time as well as your child's. Day-care workers etc. usually can't do this as they really don't know your child and his/her whims and/or subtle signals.
Step 1 Day 1, week 1
After breakfast, introduce your child to a potty and tell him/her of its use. "This is a potty." "This is where we put all our wees and poos" "Mammy does not put wees and poo into a nappy(diaper)" "Mammy uses the potty" "Daddy does not..." etc... and then show your child what to do when then need to, by mock sitting on the potty. Invite your child to do same.
Let your child become familiar with it - keep it in the play room and a second one in the bathroom. You want your child to be comfortable with this new toy / chair. S/he might sit on it (with his/her diaper on) to mimic you / your partner when you / your partner go to the bathroom. This is normal behaviour.
Your child will, occasionally, sit on the potty if s/he remembers before wetting / soiling his/her diaper. make nothing of it nor even mention it while changing your child's diaper later.
Step 2 Day 3 Week 1
After breakfast, introduce your child to pull-ups. Leave 2-3 of them in the playroom with him/her, for him/her to get used to the feel of them / the characters etc. This is to show your child the new underwear / pull-ups etc. and get comfortable with them. It is better for your child to be without clothes at this time, but still wearing his/her diaper.
"These are your new underwear, which will allow you to pull them down when you want to use the potty" and hand him/her a pair. S/he might try and put one on over his/her diaper. Again, this is ok. You can ask him/her, “Can mammy help?”, but let it be your child's idea to put it on, not yours.
Step 3 Day 5, Week 1
After breakfast, change him/her into the pull-ups. Remind your child of the potty, and its purpose. At this stage, your child should have got used to the pull-ups, and may have put one on over his/her diaper a few times and/or sat on the potty chair while wetting/soiling his/her diaper. If s/he has, in that process, pulled it down before sitting on the potty, good. If not, do not worry. It is a learning stage.
Result A
If your child is successful in using the potty, s/he will go looking for you / calling you to tell you to get your help. Give praise, but no rewards despite how much you want to. This means that your child stays in pull-ups even at nap-time / bed-time.
If, during nap-time, your child soils the pull-up, go back to Step 2 with your child back in diapers for the next 3 days. This means that your child is holding his/her poo = constipation, and is not ready for training, so give him/her another 3 days. This is not your child's lack of control, it is due to your child force holding its poo so not to soil itself, and when it falls asleep, it relaxes and soils itself. Your child had stopped soiling its diaper during its sleep usually by 6-9 months old.
Take the pressure of him/her, diaper him/her and restart Step 2 in 3 days.
Result B
If your child just continues to wet / mess the pull-up. just change the pull-up. Do not comment re the potty etc., just change him/her as if everything is totally normal. Do this until his/her morning / afternoon nap when you will change him/her back into diapers. Don't worry if your child has not yet mastered training. S/he does not have the focus as yet, and needs time. Reintroduce him/her to pull-ups via Step 3 and leave him/her in diapers for 3 days.
This process is repeated until your child is confident to use the potty on his/her own. Do not worry about times of regression. These will happen. Your child will pick up the skills very quickly when they make up their minds to do this - and will almost magically become clean and dry day and night.
I identify ways of failure, but the failure might not be noticed now. When a child feels that they are trying to impress you, and this happens all the time, they may try and hold wee and poo so as to gain your approval – this means that your child has picked up on your need to keep its pants clean and dry. Toilet training is not not voiding, it is reacting to the internal body signals and voiding in a toilet following these signals.
Holding causes constipation and reverse pressure on the kidneys. As a result, s/he may have transitioned from diapers to underwear, but is somewhat weeping during the day /night - OR even worse, has over strengthened bladder / bowel sphincters. This causes long time issues - in males, it can cause impotence, and females, complications in pregnancy / childbirth.
Potty training is in itself, not complicated, but we need to realize that it is not us training our children... it is us giving our children all the tools so that they can learn and react themselves.