I can lead the 3 year old to the toilet but I can’t make him wee! Help!

[Playitagainsam]

DS is 3 yrs 3 months, and had shown zero interest in potty training but we had to get started as he’s starting pre-school soon. I knew it was not going to go well as he’s super stubborn, and unfortunately I was right! We’re 2 weeks in now. He’ll sit on the loo quite happily a few times a day but nothing will come out. He had initially started to get very upset when he needed a poo and screamed that he wanted to do it in his nappy. He got pretty hysterical so we let him and were advised to keep doing this as he basically just started to hold it all in and get constipated if we didn’t. He then started getting really upset and panicky if he was sat on the loo and he had the feeling that a wee was coming. So now we’re at the stage where he is basically asking for a nappy to poo in, but holding in his wee to do it at the same time. The nappy is off in a minute or so then he’s happy to get back into pants. During the day, this is probably happening 2 or 3 times, and he rarely has any other accidents outside of this, he can go hours in between each time. We can get him to sit on the loo when he needs to go, but it’s like he either can’t or won’t wee. He’s not been upset about it over the last few days which is why I think we need to just carry on, and also he clearly has control over his wee and poo - but how the heck do I get him to do it on the loo and not in his nappy? I have tried every different type of bribery going, he’s just not bothered - or if it’s something he is bothered about, he still can’t seem to do it! Cold turkey on the nappies also isn’t an option if we don’t want some serious constipation and/or poo trauma. He also won’t sit on the loo in his nappy without getting upset.
Tonight we sat him on the loo twice when he needed to go, nothing happened. As soon as he was off and his bedtime nappy was on he said ‘i’m doing a wee!’ and he bloody was! So he knows when he’s doing it and he can control it, so why the flip can’t he/won’t he do it on the loo? Have I just totally screwed up by training him too late? But then he has been a stubborn little devil since the day he was born so i’m not confident it would have made any difference doing it earlier.
Sorry for the long post, if anyone has any advice or similar experiences i’d be very grateful!

I think you’re right to be concerned about constipation.

Can you reassure him that if he needs a poo/wee, you will put a nappy on for him to go. Make sure he stays in the bathroom to go, no wandering around in the nappy. Don’t make it a big deal, just ‘thank you for telling me you needed to go’.

Try doing the nappy slightly looser on him so he gets used to the feeling of the wee/poo coming out a bit similar to the toilet.

Get him used to feeling secure that you will let him do this. Then after a while tell him that it takes a lot longer to put the nappy on,clean up,etc (true). Get him involved in taking the nappy to the outside bin. Tell him that if he does decide he wants to go to the toilet it will be much quicker and he’ll have more time to play,etc.

He’s obviously anxious over the toilet so your main aim is to make it as calm and stress free as possible for him. That way he’s more likely to feel relaxed enough to go himself. Don’t keep mentioning it, he knows he can sit on the toilet if he wants to. No bribes, no rewards, no ‘mummy sits on the toilet’ ‘all the big boys in nursery sit on the toiket’ etc. Take all the pressure away.

We used training pants which worked really well for stubborn DS. Otherwise we used reward charts with a treat after so many successes in a week with using the potty or the toilet. We also bought multiple potties and left them in every room so there would be no panic about rushing to the right room.

Pirate Pete's book was helpful as DS liked the book.

Ultimately DS had to decide he wanted to use the potty and the toilet.

mrsb06 yes this is my worry, that i’ve just left it too late. I always thought that the best way was to wait until they decided to potty train, but the problem was that he never showed a shred of interest. Quite the opposite, he would freak out at any talk of using the potty or toilet! It was only when I started googling that everything seemed to say don’t wait until they’re three as you’re basically doomed. Urgh, thanks google, too late.
He does seem to have really good bladder control, there haven’t been any leaks in between the 2-3 times a day that he asks for a nappy. He will occasionally ask me ‘am I wearing pants at the moment?’ and I just know that if I said no, that would be when he’d let a little wee out. But he doesn’t!
I do fear that if I took the pressure off, he’d keep on doing what he is forever more. But then I also know that applying loads of pressure is probably counter productive too.

Thunder that’s just it - he never decided he wanted to use it and he still doesn’t want to! He loved the Pirate Pete book too but it doesn’t remotely make him interested in doing it himself!

moreismore thanks for that idea - i’d definitely not thought of trying that!

I can highly recommend the "Oh crap" book mentioned above. I was worried with ds1 that I'd left it too late as he'd had a month or so of telling me he was going for a wee etc (in his nappy) then stopped. He was 2 yrs 8 months I think , I got the book, read it, then a couple of weeks later nappies off and did it. He still wore nappies at night and for a few days waited til bedtime to poo. I think the idea of chatting to him about it is a good one. Every time I changed a nappy in the two weeks prior to starting, I said "soon you will do your wees and poos in the potty or toilet" . I set a date, and worked towards it. On that date he got up in the morning, took the night nappy OFF and stayed bare bottemed all day.

I think I'd be inclined to ditch the nappies til bedtime, then he has the option of waiting til bedtime for his poo. I would really recommend the book too. We also did a chocolate button after each successful incident. I didn't bribe as such, just presented him with a treat.

Also if you choose a day that you will go nappyless on, stay at home a few days, give him his favourite drinks and stick to it. But mostly, get the book! It's great.

I’ve been trying on and off since mine was 18 months, he’ll be three in a couple of months and we’ve just attempted it for 3 weeks.

He knows what he’s doing, if he was in the mood he’d go and use the toilet, if he wasn’t, he would pee and poo wherever he felt like it.

Mush it all in my carpet and everything. He knows full well how to use the toilet but he’s a sod basically.

I’ve given up for now.

What finally broke me was asking him if he needed the toilet, being told no, leaving him with my 7 year old for literally two minutes while I put my sleeping baby in her cot and coming back down to an overwhelming smell and FIVE separate piles of poo on the living room floor, two which were trampled in so he was covered in it and one which he’d driven a wooden toy vehicle through so the tracks stretched a meter long. Two minutes I was gone and my daughter was so engrossed in the TV that she ‘didn’t see anything’.

I had to put him back in nappies after that.

My daughter (3y5m) was exactly like this, knew when she was going, could hold it in for ages, but you’d sit her on the potty or toilet for ages with nothing, and 10 seconds later she’d wee on the floor. She had lots of time out in the garden this summer with no pants on and started enjoying doing outside wees! We let her go for it, and at some point in the last month it has just clicked. The odd accident, but she happily goes on the potty or the toilet for wees and poos.

I got really stressed out as nursery were really keen for her to wear pants (she started after Easter), so we put her in pants for nursery, but she just wasn’t ready then and kept wetting herself on the way home, even if she’d just sat on the toilet.

So I don’t really have a special secret, but just reassurance that if you can stay relaxed about it, they really do figure it out in their own time. I tried all sorts of bribing with her and it made no difference at all and we all got mega stressed out. Once we’d backed off a bit, she got the hang of it when she was ready.

I do fear that if I took the pressure off, he’d keep on doing what he is forever more. But then I also know that applying loads of pressure is probably counter productive too.

He won’t carry on forever! He’s obviously completely physically but not emotionally ready for whatever reason.
Going to the toilet is one of the very few things children are in complete control over. It’s not something you can ‘force’ him to do.

The very best thing is to take all the pressure away. As hard as it is, you need to stop worrying about it too as they pick up more than you think when you are stressed over something.

Don’t feel like you left it too late, lots of people have success straight away doing it the way you did and lots have months of accidents doing it earlier.

Can he put a pull up on himself? Another option may be to let him use pull ups in the bathroom when he needs to go. He will decide at some point that it’s all too much hassle keeping taking nappies/pull ups on and off and use the toilet but for some DC, the more you ‘go on’ at them to do it, the more resistant they become.

Thanks littledinaco for the reassurance, it’s much appreciated. I feel like I’ve screwed it up somehow and it’s hard to know the best way out of it! I’m not sure if he has the coordination for putting a pull up on himself, but it’s definitely worth trying to make it trickier for him.
Fizzicles I am so glad to hear you had the same problem and it eventually came good! We also had to rush it for pre-school but he’ll only be doing mornings so I imagine he’ll just hold on to it until he comes home and they will be none the wiser! I will try to back off, I know I’m stressing way too much about it at the moment.
Pyschopumpkin oh god that’s more poo in a short amount of time than I thought any child could produce, let alone spread all over the place! You poor thing. What’s your plan now, just wait until he seems ready again?

Turn the bath or sink tap on when he is on the loo and distract him by chatting etc. But don't make a big deal out of it just keep feeding him plenty of drinks and taking him to the loo all the time and letting him sit he will get there

We also had to rush it for pre-school but he’ll only be doing mornings so I imagine he’ll just hold on to it until he comes home and they will be none the wiser! If he’s not toilet trained before then, they have to accommodate him, either changing nappies or allowing him to wee/poo in a nappy in the toilet.
Don’t feel pressured or rushed because of nursery and don’t make him hold it in all morning if he needs to go.

I know it seems like such a big deal now but like everything it will just be a phase and when he’s taking himself to the toilet it just won’t matter.

I know this thread is a few months old but I've been looking through all the potty training threads and this one hit home! OP, how did you get on in the end? My ds has just turned 3, has never shown interest in pottys and doesn't say if he's done a wee/poo however, with Xmas coming up and being off work, we thought we'd give it a go anyway. He will sit on the potty and do nothing then have an accident in his pants. On occasion he'll tell me he is wet but not all the time. I regularly ask if he needs a wee and he will say no. He gets to sit on the potty every 20-30mins but nothing happens! I don't know whether to carry on or leave it a month or so!!!