how to get DD to poo on the toilet??

[fairylightsx]

I’m hoping someone can give me advice – I’m out of ideas. DD is 3y 8m old and will not poo on the toilet. She has been potty trained for a YEAR now and doesn’t have any wee accidents, except rarely at night. But she never took to pooing on the toilet. She managed it a few times, I think twice at the nursery and twice at home, but always reverted to pooing in her knickers.

She tries to withhold poo in the nursery and lets it out only when she is at home. This results in stomach pains and sometimes infections. We are worried that, if the situation does not change, she could develop serious health problems. We are also worried that she won’t learn to poo on the toilet properly before she starts school in September. We asked for advice in the nursery, children’s centres, the GP and did not heard anything other than being patient, using star charts and bribes – which produced no result for a year.

I attribute this situation to the combination of the constipation that she used to suffer from and the arrival of her baby sister 8 months ago. But she has not had the constipation for about 9-10 months now and she appears to be overcoming her wish to be babied like her sister, yet the poo situation has not improved a bit: she insists that she is not able to or does not want to (she gives both reasons) poo on the toilet. Should we force her to sit on the toilet when we notice that she is trying to do a poo? What else can we do??

I personally love Magda Gerber/Janet Lansbury approaches:

"Trust, trust, trust. As Magda Gerber advises in Your Self-Confident Baby, “Learning to use the toilet is a process that takes time. Rather than push or manipulate your child by giving him treats such as candy or a special reward for something that he will learn on his own, trust that he will learn it when he is ready. Respect is based on trust.”"

www.janetlansbury.com/2014/08/3-reasons-kids-dont-need-toilet-training-and-what-to-do-instead/

"The problem with “big boys” is that they don’t get as much hands-on care as “little boys” or “babies” do. Being a big boy or big girl — growing up — isn’t all it’s cracked up to be (which I can certainly attest to after just celebrating a “very big girl” birthday). There are gains, but also losses. Not living up to being a “big boy” can be cause for shame, though I know you don’t mean it to be. I would avoid those terms altogether."

www.janetlansbury.com/2012/07/toilet-troubles/

www.acast.com/respectfulparentingjanetlansburyunruffled/toilet-training-isn-t-working

From the no cry potty training book

Moreo

More

I had to go to bed last night, so I read these posts only now. Thank you - I appreciate your willingness to help. Unfortunately, there is little here that we don't know and haven't tried. I believe after an entire year I am entitled to say that these approaches don't work with my daughter.

A last thought: a lot of the current advice is realistic only if you have one child to take care of. As soon as you have two (let alone more!), you find that such a problem eats into precious time together as a family. In our case, I spend many evenings alone with our two daughters. When an "accident" happens, I have to clean DD1 and sometimes it can take a while. In the meantime, DD2, still a baby, might feel lonely and cry. Do I leave DD1 who risks getting yet another infection? Or do I leave the baby cry? You want to be gentle with your children, but many evenings since DD2 was born I could be gentle with only one at a time and felt that I am letting down the other one.

A huge thank you to everyone for sharing their experience. I will tweak a few things we have been doing and definitely try to sit the baby on the potty. (I wish I heard this a month ago when she didn't crawl yet - it's hard to pin her down these days even for a bit!)

Good luck OP.
I can hear your frustration- hope you can make progress over next few weeks.

I potty trained my daughter in July when she was 3.2 yrs old. We have only just experienced 3 straight weeks of all poos on the toilet, do it's taken 5 months to get here. She was a withholder too and we had to give her movicol to sort that. What also worked was spotting when she needed to go to the toilet and taking her there and then letting her watch stuff in the iPad and leaving her too it. I'd sometimes leave her for 45 minutes but it allowed her to relax enough to go. Doesn't work if there's not one brewing though. Now she goes without the iPad.

fairy can she go live with a grandparent for a weekend? someone totally new who expects her to poo on the toilet? children often rise to the occasion for other family members.
how are her verbal skills and her general coordination abilities?
have you spoken to a gp or any other health professional?

sorry I see you have been to the gp :(

Normandy144
I will try the iPad. Getting her to poo in the toilet is more important than keeping screen time short - and later, as you did, we can cut down on it. The way I feel at the moment, I wouldn't mind if she watched iPad for an hour if it means that the poos finally end up in the toilet... We often read to her (a lot) while she is sitting on the toilet, but it's not possible when I'm alone at home and the baby needs something.

Out2pasture
Her abilities are fine - for example, she dresses herself, buttons her coat, puts on her gloves and she is indignant if I want to help her. Her verbal skills seem just fine too. She doesn't have any issues of delayed development. This is the only thing that she didn't learn with enthusiasm and fast.
Grandparents are sadly not helpful in this case - ill and/or far away.

Did you decide potty training needed to happen or did she show an interest?