6 week old baby, social services involved

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Hi,

I posted a thread recently about my partner having intrusive thoughts about harm coming to our baby, these have been so distressing that he has been suicidal and I had to take him to A&E on Sunday. They sent him home but we're obliged to tell social services.

Yesterday I had a visit from a social worker who said my partner can't be left unsupervised with our baby, this would mean he'd have to leave our property at night because me being asleep doesn't count as supervising him. My partner is 100% not a risk to our child so we were both mortified and of course this does not help someone who is already suicidal. The social worker hadn't consulted with the mental health team who are working with him and came to our house before the crisis team had been to assess him. I'm bewildered that they have reached that decision not knowing the risk from a mental health viewpoint. The crisis team nurses seemed as bewildered as us.

All of this led to him being hospitalised yesterday because he was a risk to himself as he was so low. He feels he is being made out to be a monster when he's done nothing wrong.

I'm terrified that this is all happening, our baby is so loved and well cared for. Anyone had any experience with things like this? I don't know what to expect next, I'm so scared they will stop him seeing our baby when he's discharged.

Sorry this is long x

Intrusive thoughts can be overwhelming. Don’t underestimate how powerful. Maybe, as a step, when crisis has passed, he or you and baby could sleep at family members house. It will get better.

I’m sorry to hear you are both having such a difficult time
I think they’re not wrong to consider if he is a risk and to think about how that risk could be reduced, so I would be wary of staying categorically he isn’t as you need to show you are aware that it could be a possibility.

However I think you are absolutely right to question why they did not consult with the mental health team about the level of risk, and I would definitely follow that up

My ex h had mh issues. Took an overdose whilst i was asleep he had baby ( 6 weeks old ) .i was very very angry with him I told the ambulance men i was too angry to go to the hosputal.

He wasn't allowed to be unsupervised with my ds from then onwards. It got progressively worse. He wanted to kill himself and my ds...

I left at 10 months.

Not one person on this thread in or out of this thread know if your dh is or isn't at risk to yoyr dc but i woukd say you can't be objective when you are in the middle of it.

I hope you are able to get the help you and your partner need, however, if he is so mentally unwell that he needs to be hospitalised, he really should not be left unattended with an infant. Social services must make your baby's safety their priority, and that's what they are doing.

It's really difficult to say what's the right or wrong answer.

I know a mum who had intrusive thoughts postnatally and DID end up really harming her baby even though she said she had no intention to after intervention from the crisis team.

So I really don't know whether social services are right or wrong but what is right isn't always what is easy.

My dh threatened suicide and was admitted to mental health unit.
When he was discharged the crisis team told me not to leave the children with him overnight, they were aged 10,12 and 14 and I worked night shifts. If i did they said they would inform social services.

He wouldn't harm them intentionally but I had already decided I wasn't going to leave them because of the delusions he was having.

A 6 week old child needs safety, hunger met and warmth. They can get all this from you.
Child social workers are working to ensure you meet the above.
Adult trained mental health workers are working to support your husband to take back responsibility for his own happiness and welfare.
The two professions have two different agendas. You are in a very difficult situation and need to decide who is the priority: baby or husband and then find family/friends to support the other whilst you dedicate your time to one.

This is so sad and really reflects the disconnect between mental health services and social services.
I was in the same boat postnatally. I called A and E because my intrusive thoughts were so bad that I thought I'd gone mad and would harm my baby.
Any MH professional worth their salt knows that intrusive thoughts are absolutely just that- just thoughts and are very common for both women and men postnatally. By reacting like this, social services are only stigmatising new parents with MH issues further, and will prevent them from coming forward for help.
But back to you, practically speaking. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your husband need support but he will get through this. Sending him away somewhere is honestly the last thing you all need as a family! Unless there is any previous history of any safeguarding issue, then I really can't see that their would be any reason your husband shouldn't be at home.
Are the MH services good? Could you ask them if they could advocate for your husband, or could a psychiatrist assess him so as to prove he is no threat? This just seems very heavy handed of them, unless there are other things going on.
There are a couple of dads postnatal support groups too- could he try and find one of those?
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
If it helps, I now regularly joke about the time I called 999 and told them I thought I would throw my baby down the stairs, because it seems so far from my experience and love for my child now. One day this will honestly be a bad memory x

Januaryblue said: One day this will honestly be a bad memory x

Yes it will, hang on in there.

I am really sorry you're going through this. However, I can see why social services are concerned - his mental health is clearly very very bad and there is probably a real concern that he might therefore inadvertently hurt the baby. If he's so confused and unhappy, he might do so while believing he's actually helping. In the same way that many people who are suicidal genuinely believe that if they're not around, their family and loved ones will be better off.

I hope he gets the help he needs.

Please please listen to the posters who actually have experience of this - me, @Januaryblue2020 and @Itsalwayssunnyin.
People agreeing with SS just show how much misunderstanding there is about intrusive thoughts. I probably would have agreed with them before I lived it. I know better now.
I hope your partner is able to get help soon. For me it was a mixture of antidepressants, counselling, baby massage and support from family members (we moved in with grandparents for a while. If you need to do that, please do, this counts as exceptional circumstances.)

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now, I couldn't imagine how you and your partner feel.

It does make me howl how social services make their decisions, my SIL is absolutely nuts, the worst mother with 3 kids, abuses them, underfeeds them, never washes them, ignores them, their 4 year old can't even talk yet when she was under crisis team for 'mental health issues' and had to be arrested multiple times for suicide attempts, social services didn't even bat a bloody eyelid! Even the kids school were involved and they still didn't make a peep!

I know my post doesn't carry any advice but I hope you can see an insight to how pick and choosy social services are!

Good luck to you, please stay strong for your 6 week old, they will need you more than ever 💕

@MrMeSeeks

This is awful. He is not a risk! If this was a mom they would not be doing this! Get back in touch with his mental health team, disgusting attitude by ss

You are being foolish in your comments. You don't know whether he is a risk and neither do I because you are not there and do not know him and neither do I.

SS need to know this mother can prioritise this very vulnerable child over her partner. I am familiar with this area of law and if they believe the op cannot do this, and her partner comes home, they can and do apply without notice to the court for an order to enable the child to be taken to a place of safety.

In order to avoid the above scenario op needs to be very careful in her dealings with ss and ensure she does everything that is asked of her.

If she is unhappy with ss I would advise seeking legal advice. If there is action taken by ss, such advice is available under the legal aid scheme free irrespective of income.

By place of safety I mean taken into care where the child is placed with a foster parent pending a full court hearing.