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Postnatal health

As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

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Original poster

Not bonded with newborn and its breaking my heart

47 replies

FoxgloveStar · 09/07/2016 23:12

My baby boy is 5 weeks old. I'm a first time Mum and struggling. I'd love some wise words from experienced Mum's.

We had a traumatic birth with forceps, resulting in no skin to skin at birth and a long recovery for me where I wasn't able to hold him much. He was bashed up on the way out and had a sore head. 5 weeks on and I'm on the road to recovery and with a lot of perseverance we've got breastfeeding established. He is fit and healthy.

However it's breaking my heart, and my husband's, that he doesn't seem to have bonded with us. He cries when I pick him up. He appears to find no comfort in my arms or when I talk or sing to him. He is often in an inconsolable rage that is only stopped by feeding or excessive jiggling in the sling. Sometimes he is calmed by being put down and never is calmed by being picked up and held. I'm scared to go out as after 5mins between feeding he just screams and screams and there is nothing I can do to stop him.

He seems so angry and unhappy and we are unable to console him. It's soul destroying and I'm feeling cheated by the terrible birth experience and wonder if it has set the tone for his whole life.

I'm at a loss and feel like a complete failure.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MaisieDotes · 10/07/2016 09:47

No, you're not the only one

DC3 screamed whether I held him or not. I eventually devised a sort of squat/ lunge manoeuvre that brought him down to a low whimper but my god I was exhausted doing that all day (although my legs and bum benefited!). It was reflux in our case.

BerriesandLeaves · 10/07/2016 09:54

If he screams when you pick him up or cuddle him is it possible there was a birth injury that wasn't picked up so it hurts him when he's picked up? It doesn't sound like reflux to me as that is more the opposite ie. Cry when laid down but less when picked up and upright.

MaisieDotes · 10/07/2016 10:00

I thought that too berry and that's how we ended up not getting the reflux diagnosed until 16 weeks.

MaisieDotes · 10/07/2016 10:00

berries I mean. Sorry

BlurtonOnKites4eva · 10/07/2016 10:16

Please don't feel like your baby doesn't like you, they really don't have a clue what's going on at this stage. It does sound like colic to me.

My baby hated skin to skin when she born, I had trouble bf and all the advice was do loads of skin to skin and she just wriggled and screamed it was also a blow because I didn't bond with her very well and I thought skin to skin was supposed to help and she hated it. I think she just got too hot and sweaty though she's a very sweaty baby now. Is it too warm in your house and that's why he prefers outside jiggling? Doesn't like being cuddled up because it's too warm?

Could you look up some baby massage videos on YouTube that could be a nice activity for you both?

CottonSock · 10/07/2016 10:20

You poor thing. No wonder you are not feeling yourself yet.
My first had reflux and gripe water helped a lot. Some babies cry, it is not your fault.
Is your health visitor giving you support?

CottonSock · 10/07/2016 10:21

Oh and vibrating chair next to tumble drier was our other helper

jellycat1 · 10/07/2016 10:21

Id say reflux too. It's normal and he'll likely get better as his tummy etc get stronger. You may need special milk like Nutramigen. But on the emotional side - it will come don't worry. As soon as things settle and you're a bit less sleep deprived - and in a week or so you may get your first smile. Much easier to bond after that.

Elllicam · 10/07/2016 10:21

This sounds very similar to my DS1 who was also a traumatic forceps delivery. He screamed for the first few weeks, he was diagnosed with reflux but looking back I think he was in pain, his head was so bruised and he still has a giant lump on the back. If I were to go through it again I would try the cranial osteopath.

Trooperslane · 10/07/2016 10:22

Wow. That's so rough.

Google the fourth trimester. Definitely lean on your health visitor if they're any good.

Big hugs X

Wolpertinger · 10/07/2016 10:28

Your baby does love you. He just needs to grow. His body isn't big enough to work properly yet but it will be.

My BFF had a baby who cried continuously, even when he was sleeping. He's grown up now to a happy healthy lovely boy who loves his mummy and daddy more than anything. She learnt to just tune it out - when he grew a bit more and his reflux was treated he then had 'normal baby cries' but when he was tiny the continuous cries didn't mean he hadn't bonded, just he was tiny and had reflux.

LIZS · 10/07/2016 10:31

You've had a difficult start which can't help you or your baby. Try not to be harsh on yourself and manage your expectations. If you have a good hour, morning or night try to focus on that.

Baby massage can be a great way of bonding and soothing for baby. Obviously not every baby enjoys it every session. Some Children's Centres offer it or ask your HV.

wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna · 10/07/2016 10:37

Sending you a big hug.

I didn't bond with my ds for a LONG time. He was an utterly miserable newborn. And therefore he just screamed all the time. He wasn't comforted by me at all. I took it very personally.

Turned out he had reflux which didn't get sorted for 4 months (despite MANY visits to GP).

My son is now 17 months. He has only just started to become loving and affectionate. It's just the way he is.

Try to be kind to yourself. Give it time. Some newborns just aren't very happy (I'm sure someone will disagree with me on that).

You're doing all the right things - just keep going.

MrsWooster · 10/07/2016 10:38

Hold on, it will almost certainly get better soon. There's a sea change at 6 weeks and an even bigger one at 3 months. It is NOT you. Keep thinking about reflux and lactose intolerance or cmpi. We went through all the same sorts of things and, in the end, she just grew out of it all and is cantering about dressed as Elsa...

WishIWasSleeping · 10/07/2016 10:41

Good shout on the warm thought I think.
My PFB struggled to pooh, no matter what I ate, (BF) held on to her wind, and I spent half my days running up and down the stairs with her facing down along my arm as in that position there's no pressure on her tummy. (Head in crook of elbow, your hand down over nappy)
It got easier at 14wks, and at 4m onwards she is such a lady and thinks she is hilarious when she trumps. We're now on solids and she cries when she passes a solid, but only as it exits. Good nappy changing signal!
Anyway - we had a normal (induced) quick birth and she is a hot baby - the recommended room temps makes her whinge. She loves the wind in her face, gets sweaty as anything with skin to skin and sleeps better with the room temp at around 14-16degrees. We have a standing fan in the room at bedtime as on the days she decides to literally fight (me) bedtime the fan helps us both!
Keep smiling - time will fly by.

Alfieisnoisy · 10/07/2016 10:51

I think (but can't prove) that babies who have instrumental or difficult deliveries get ongoing headaches for a while post delivery. There used to be a thriving u dusty in cranial massage and osteopathy and I heard varyi reports of success. For some it was a miracle cure, for others it took longer and for some babies it didn't work at all.

It most definitely isn't you OP, you are doing everything right and he knows you are responding to him even if he isn't showing that.

A first baby is always hard as it's such a learning curve for all of us. My DS was a nightmare for the first 8 weeks or so and then all of a sudden he just settled and life became much easier. It didn't happen overnight though.

Go easy on yourself...you're doing all the right things.

Rinceoir · 10/07/2016 11:03

My DD didn't cry much as a newborn, but she certainly wasn't cuddly. She loved being on the floor, always looking about, very alert from day 1 (every midwife on the hospital ward where we spent 9 days commented on it!). I also had a difficult delivery with complications and was separated from her for the first 8 hours or so. She used to breastfeed, then want to be put down or look around. I remember visiting family at around 4 months and for the first time she only wanted me- I was delighted!

She's now 2, very cuddly, very definitely securely bonded to us both. She's also very curious, chatty and loves exploring.

OooLookShoes · 10/07/2016 11:12

Really agree with the pp who said he doesn't even realise you are 2 separate people yet. So he definitely doesn't hate you anymore than you hate your rib bones.

Coconut0il · 10/07/2016 19:45

Does feeding work to soothe him? My DS2 cried all the time if he wasn't on the boob. I made myself comfy on the sofa and fed, fed, fed... I'm not sure if it was hunger or just for comfort but it was the only thing that worked. It was hard to go out in the early weeks but it really will pass quickly.
And it's not you OP. I did exactly the same with DS2 as I did with DS1 and DS1 was always a smiler.

BluebellSpirit · 23/08/2016 23:24

Firstly well done on getting breastfeeding established. That is a big achievement and takes a lot of effort and energy in the early weeks. So feel very proud of yourself!

The way you are feeling is very normal I think. Society tells us we must fall in love with our newborn the moment we set eyes them. But angels don't sing for every parent in the delivery room - especially following a traumatic experience and difficulties establishing breastfeeding. I truly believe it takes time to get to know your child and to fall in love with them. The newborn stage can be very tough and your baby will start to change dramatically after 12 weeks. When a baby is screaming a lot, it is tough for you and so don't feel bad about not enjoying this difficult bit. I bet you are doing everything you can to care for and console him, in fact no-one else could do a better job as you are his mum and know him best. If you weren't there or someone else was caring for him, he would be less happy.

Looking back now 13 months on from the birth of my first child, I realise that to start with my feelings were of total awe at myself giving birth - mainly that I survived it. If I'm totally honest I didn't think my baby was the most beautiful newborn ever at first (her face was squashed, ear folded and birth marks on face), but I now love her birth marks, her cute sticky out ears. I think she is gorgeous. But most of all I love her personality, which only really started to emerge at 6 weeks with her first smile, we had a hint of what she would be like from then on but it took many months to really get to know her. Her first giggling fit at around 4-5 months was the point I really started to fall deep in love with her. Since then it has grown and grown and grown into this amazing deep heart-wrenching love.

So don't worry. What you are feeling/ not feeling is totally normal, but do look out for signs of any depression if you start to feel generally down and are not coping. You say you feel cheated by the terrible birth experience. I do think you need to deal with this through talking about it and putting it behind you. It will not set the tone for his whole life or your relationship with your child. You possibly need to get some support and try to move forward beyond the birth and let go of the traumatic birth experience (easier said than done, but there is plenty of help out there).

Good luck x

Flamingo1980 · 27/08/2016 15:28

How's things now op? X

PotteringAlong · 27/08/2016 15:37

try cranial osteopathy
go and see the dr and get reflux mess
you are doing really well; this too shall pass

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