Emergency c-section parents… am I alone in feeling this way?

[BessieBye]

Hey

My baby girl was born on 21st May via emergency c section. Failure to progress. Not a traumatic experience, in fact, quite special when I look back as the medical staff took photos for us. They were all amazing.

However… I can’t help but feel upset when I see posts or hear about women giving birth vaginally their baby. I feel like such a failure. I don’t even feel like I gave birth… I didn’t do it myself; someone else done it for me.

I love my newborn daughter with all my heart, but find it hard to associate that she was once inside of me and that I gave birth to her. I feel like she literally got given to me and I am here to love and look after her, not that I went through that process of physically pushing my baby into this world and giving her life. I don’t feel like I done anything to warrant the ‘well done!’ comments I got. I listen to people talk about their birth and how exhausting it was and I feel like a fraud. Dont get me wrong, I was beyond exhausted. Most tired I’ve ever been… but that wasn’t from doing anything like pushing.

The Labour pain was unbearable so I went for an epidural. I now have regrets getting that as maybe I’d have been able to deliver my baby naturally.

It also really upsets me when health professionals ask if I delivered my baby ‘normally’ :( once again making me feel like I didn’t do a good job.

Sorry I’m not sure what the point in this is. Maybe to see if I’m alone I’m feeling like this. Why am I not over it? I have the most beautiful, amazing, wonderful tiny human lying on my chest. The love is quite overwhelming, so why can’t I shake off that feeling of being a failure?

I don’t have a good answer for you but you’re not alone - I still feel a bit like that 6 years on! The feelings of inadequacy/being a fraud have lessened though

I still feel like that. And I had the full home birth experience with my first, and almost 30 hours labour with my second. Still feel like an utter failure.

I think it stems from grief, for the loss of the delivery you wanted to the one that happened.

And it’s ok to grieve that, it takes time to process these things, especially when you’re recovering from major surgery and dealing with a newborn!

I was being wheeled into theatre crying "I'm a failure at giving birth" so totally get where you are at. One of the midwifes said a live birth is a successful birth and it kind of made me check myself. I do get what you mean about not being able to give birth "properly" my first one was forceps, my second an emergency section (10lb 5 and he was nowhere near where he needed to be) then i had an elective section for the 3rd. I did find the section recovery the easiest as could actually sit down and didn't have a massive long labour to recover from. Also my pelvic floor is unharmed. My section baby is 13 now and towers over me. I'm over the sadness at not managing a vaginal birth. Mostly I'm just glad I was able to get medical intervention. Like if I had been doing this before the days of hospitals or in the 3rd world if the first baby hadn't killed me the second one would definitely have. That thought scares me. Hope you enjoy your baby and recovery is going well.

It’s the language around birth that causes this. Being a Mum is not about how your baby came into this world. I had one baby by EMCS and another by VBAC. My VBAC was far easier.

You may find the birth reflections service helpful.

I feel like a failure because I ended up in theatre with forceps and an episiotomy. I wish I could have pushed harder, for longer.

My logical brain realises that wasn't possible, that sometimes these things just happen, but I totally understand what you are feeling.

DS will be 3 in a few months and I'm now pregnant again. In a really strange way I'm looking forward to giving birth because this time I'll try and do a better job.

Yes, I realise that makes no sense and that things don't work like that!!

I’ve had both, if I had the choice I’d have had 2 caesareans. It’s fine to feel like this but in a years time you will feel better and no one will know. I’ve a ruined fanjo and belly…..

I was chatting to a friend about this the other day. A mutual friend of ours gave birth recently and posted a long insta thing about her natural birth and what accounts she'd followed and courses she'd taken to achieve this.

I said that, while it's important woman talk about positive birth experiences, we need to temper it with an understanding that a lot of birth is totally beyond our control.

I think this is why some mothers struggle with how their births went. Before pregnancy most of us feel quite in control of our lives and what happens to us. Pregnancy and birth are likely the first times that we have no control. We can plan these beautiful birth but we are in fate's hand as to whether that happens or not. It can take some time to come terms with what happened if it wasn't what you'd imagined. We are also conditioned to try to find a blame or something that we did control that led to what happened.

I had an EMCS. Whilst I felt bad about it the well dones I took as well done for successfully growing a perfect beautiful baby for nine months not well done for a few hours of pushing Xxx I had failure to progress but I wasn't built to deliver her and she didn't want to come out plus a whole lot of other stuff. It's also a well done for not dying in the process as it's a hell of a surgery and in non recent times without the intervention we would have died and maybe even baby, so pat yourself on the back for making good life saving decisions xxx

You didn't fail.
The situation around the birth of this particular baby were not right for a vaginal delivery. That can be a combination of things, baby's position and size, the shape of your pelvis, etc.
The epidural would have made no difference ultimately - it was just that things didn't fit together for this birth to be vaginal.
Failure to progress can be caused by the pressure of baby's head on your cervix, for example. That's not your fault, just the way things went for you at that time.
Don't beat yourself up about it.

Ah… I have tears rolling down my face… thank you all so much for these amazing words. I knew putting how I felt down into words to people in similar situations would help.

I absolutely knew I was doing the right thing.. there was no doubt about it when the doctor said ‘we strongly advise caesarean, how do you feel about that’ I said ‘you must do it’. I was shaking uncontrollably and crying and trying to block out the devastation that my body didn’t allow me to give birth to my baby the way I wanted to. But in the moment I knew it was my baby’s safety that mattered. (I had been having contractions for 12 hours and only dilated 1cm, baby’s heart rate dropping dramatically every time I contracted).

I totally agree with the comments about pregnancy and birth is out of our control… I do think with everyone being focused on the ‘perfect birth’, made me expect to have my perfect birth too.

I can relate to each and every one of your comments, thank you so much.

Hey, you did better than me - I went for a surprise elcs! I felt like you felt for months afterwards, and still do occasionally but it’s majorly lessened as they’ve got older.

I saw this on a positive cs thingy on fb a while back (have had to search for it again as I couldn’t find it on my phone) which actually massively started turning my thinking to positive.

If it weren’t for my CS and I’d just been left to get on with things me and my DTs would be dead (severe pe hence the surprise elcs). Dt2 wasn’t breathing properly when she was born, and could well have Had a different outcome if I’d given birth vaginally. I now on the whole (in my head mainly!) think I’m a fucking super hero for cooking them for 8 months, birthing two kids at once, getting chopped open and got the three of us out of there alive and well. I’m a shattered bad ass and so are you.

You absolutely do deserve the well done comments - you grew your DD for the entire pregnancy, laboured for her and ultimately underwent major surgery to deliver her safely into the world. There’s no medals for childbirth and I wish that the shame felt and associated with c sections would piss off.

Well done and congratulations!!

When I was pregnant so were loads of people I knew. There are so many damaged vaginas it's untrue. Try and own it, op. Practise saying that you gave birth via c section and it was a great experience. A few women shamed me and acted like they were superior. Those particular women are absolute bitches anyway.

It didn't feel this way OP. I have had two children, both my c section. I'm not having anymore children now either. I know the circumstances in which my children were born and for my first child, the only option for us both to survive was a c section. I was not prepared to risk the same thing happening again when I had my second child.

What I did find though was that my c section had a bigger impact on my mental health than I full appreciated. I had never had any kind of operation beforehand and had never even been to hospital. I did feel like my body was broken afterwards. I also felt like no one cared about what I'd gone through to have him. It took me a long time to mentally recover. I think perhaps I had the same feelings as you but the emotion has come out in a different way?

Talking about it helped. So did a birthing debrief. My kids are 8 and 6 now and no one cares whether I pushed them out my vagina or not now.

@MuchTooTired I absolutely love that, thank you SO much for sharing. I have saved it and gonna read it on my bad moments.

You are ALL amazing (and definitely bad ass) plus even more amazing for helping me feel loads better tonight.

Find it difficult when people make out CS are rare. The worst is when someone said ‘if I had another one I’d rather have a c section at least I wouldn’t go through that pain’. Well I did go through the pain. I endured those MFing contractions for long enough to last a lifetime. The pain from standing up or trying to lie down as my stitches pulled around my wound. The injecting myself for 6 weeks to prevent my blood clotting. The emotional and mental pain. The exhaustion of losing over a litre of blood, on top of no sleep for 2 days and being a FTM!!

I never realised how common they were til I started to read forums after having mine. So grateful for communities like this.

I had both mine via c section. The first was an undetected breech. I felt the need to push just before they got the needle in. My second they pushed me towards a vbac. Only my waters went and my contractions never started. I was sent for another section due to the risks of being induced after my previous section and scarring. I totally get your feelings on feeling like a fraud. I too feel like I’ve missed out on the whole experience of giving birth. Be proud of your birth experience, you’ve been through major surgery and have a little healthy baby at the end of it.

Yes! I had an emcs after a long labour with my first. I felt like such an absolute cop out and couldn't relate to my child for ages. He felt like a stranger's baby. I became obsessed and would spend hours Googling 'celebrities who had vaginal births'. If someone put up a picture of them having just had a baby, I would scrutinise the photo for signs that they had a section, like a cannula in their hand etc. It used to irritate me when I found out they didnt have a section. I had an unhealthy obsession with it. If someone told me about their vaginal birth I would often cry afterwards.

I had a vbac with my second and it was pretty grizzly but it was so, so healing emotionally and my bond with my second child was more immediate. However it has all balanced out and I love my children equally (they are both fab!)

Firstly you are not a failure- you grew & nutured a full grown baby for 9 months from a tiny little egg. I had failure to progress with my first. Pumped me full of drugs & still no progress. I was gutted when they said I'd have to have a section & tried to argue it but the consultant kindly but firmly told me it would put huge risk to me & baby. So I view it as that section saved both our lives and enabled me to have a second. Second time round I felt I should "do it properly" so to speak - there was unspoken pressure from family & not so DH. A male friend bluntly said "you've already ruined one exit, why risk ruining the other" & I wish I had listened! I ended up having a vbac. I didn't get a prize for doing that (over & above a beautiful baby) but it certainly changed my undercarriage for the worse! What really pissed me off was MIL & not so DH congratulating me on "doing it properly" this time.
My kids know one came out of the sunroof & one through the vagina (she's just done sex Ed!) & embrace that.
In summary- no prizes for a vaginally birth & you are not a failure. Own your section & celebrate your body for growing a whole person. Your baby won't give a shit either way!
Ps if men gave birth do you think they'd be trying to subject themselves to such a process & without pain relief?!

Apologies for typos - fat fingers on phone!

Oh bless you.

I do sort of get moments, but then I remind myself that before c sections were safe and readily available, ds and I likely wouldn't have made it! (See also: having to stop breastfeeding at day 10)

Ive got a high pain threshold but had a back labour and at 2cm went in for pethidine, then had an epidural as soon as I could at 4cm. After 24 hours of no progress with the drip, we went for a section. I have photos (including one that I refer to as schrodinger birth as he is still in my tummy from the belly down so is both born and not born ). I will show him one day when he's old enough. He knows he came out of my tummy and that my scar is where he came from, he has gently touched it before and asked about when he came out.

A c section is not a small procedure, it's a major operation and it is absolutely as valid as a vaginal birth, you grew that bub and your heart beat was the first thing she ever heard, she knows she came from you even if you feel a little distanced from birth.

The maternity unit may offer a birth debriefing if you are struggling?

I 100% felt like what you describe. I could have written this post when I had my daughter by emcs for the same reason. I also had an epidural and diamorphine and in my case I was at the pushing stage for a few hours. So my notes said maternal exhaustion as well as failure to progress. I beat myself up so much for having that medical intervention. I was an emotional wreck about it all and used to obsess in particular over dads praising their strong, amazing partners for being so brilliant at giving birth.
All the praise in my case, I felt, was owed to the surgical team and not me. I failed and I was the weakest link in that theatre. I actually felt like the worst birth-giver IN THE WORLD and convinced myself for a day or two that all the hospital staff were talking about how crap I was.
I don't care now, years later. I went on to have a elcs the next time to save all the heartache and mental trauma. I am now proud to be a c-section mum. It's just my story. Welcome to the club and good luck with all aspects of your healing x

I'm honestly in awe of woman who have had c sections. I cant fathom how you made it through all of that. To have such a major operation and then have a newborn to look after. AMAZING! Well done 😁 and take it easy on yourself.

I didn't labour with either of mine, they were both 'elected' and that cuts me up still, 3.5 yrs after my first and 1.5yrs after my second. I feel as though I will never get to experience how birth should be, I never felt a single contraction.
Please know that whilst your experience wasn't traumatic, which is amazing, it's ok to feel these difficult emotions about it, and I think it's normal. I don't really have the answer because I'm still struggling, but I do following 'the birth trauma association' on social media and am looking into specific counselling.
You are still a mother and however it happened you still gave birth, don't let anyone suggest otherwise. X

You arent alone at all OP. My DD was an emergency section. No labour at all, not even a twinge. She is 8 now but it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I hadn’t ‘given birth’. She is an only child too so in a way I felt sad that I would never feel what labour and giving birth was truly like. 8 years on though, I don’t think about it anymore. I’m now just pleased that my pelvic floor is intact and that it is generally more painful to have a period these days than it was for me giving birth