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Original poster

I can’t recognise what my baby wants when she cries

31 replies

Santasbigballbells · 31/12/2018 11:37

My baby is 9 weeks old now and I keep reading that I should recognise what her hungry cry sounds like etc. I still can’t distinguish between what her different cries are. I can tell she is hungry when I see her rooting around or it’s been a while since her last feed. But I don’t recognise her specific hungry cry if she wants feeding sooner than I expect.

I also can’t tell when she is bored and wants to play. She’s been cranky this morning crying on and off and I thought she was a bit colicky after her vaccinations a few days ago. But then husband came home and was playing with her toys with her and she settled right down so she was obviously bored. I thought she wouldn’t want to play because she was unsettled but she was unsettled because she wanted to play.

I feel like I’m just winging it and getting it wrong a lot. I should know what she wants after 9 weeks surely??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

OhTheRoses · 31/12/2018 11:42

The crying sounds for wants had me flummoxed too. Mostly if they cried they got a cuddle and/or a feed. If they cried and played they got a cuddle and/or a feed.

Don't worry about it. I got on much better when I put the books down. Ones written by actual drs were much better than the hv and baby guru nonsense. Hugh Jolly became my bible but it was old when mine were babies in the mid 90s.

Soiree · 31/12/2018 11:48

I feel the same and mine is 5 months, we're all just winging it!

cestlavielife · 31/12/2018 11:52

At nine weeks she won't "play"as such and cant be "bored" but the sound of a voice and things moving etc probably distracted her. Just try different things and don't worry. Just pick her up and talk to her or sing to her.

CharminglyGawky · 31/12/2018 11:53

Mine is 2 next week, still winging it here and I never understood the different cries thing. I generally knew what he wanted but as you say it was from context more than anything. If he cried I would go to him and see what he wanted.

I had several random people comment that I was a very attentive mother, not sure if that was a good thing or not but I assume that if I'd been hopeless at figuring out what he wanted they wouldn't have said it!

TheLionQueen1 · 31/12/2018 11:57

I felt like this constantly when my DS was a baby, it feels like everyone else knows what their babies noises mean...I had no bloody clue!! To be honest at 15 months old I still don't really, My mum said she's still winging it and I'm early thirties!!

WhirlwindHugs · 31/12/2018 11:59

Mine are much older now, and I always thought the different cries thing was bollocks!

I always checked nappy first, then if they wanted milk. If neither of those and they seemed sleepy, rubbing eyes etc I would try and get them to sleep.

Otherwise if they didn't seem tired I'd pick them up and try different things rocking, look out the window/go outside, nursery rhymes, whatever!

Don't feel bad for not being able to tell just like that from a cry what your baby wants. Most people don't.

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2018 12:00

I never knew either and it's just trial and error! Change nappy, feed, cuddle - try anything!
Just wing it like most of us always have!

Original poster

Santasbigballbells · 31/12/2018 12:19

Thank you everyone. That’s exactly what I do, check nappy, check if she’s hungry, if she looks tired try and settle her to sleep. I always chat and sing to her. She just usually isn’t very interested in her “toys” yet and then when I said to dh how she had been unsettled and then he sat with her showing her the teddies and she settled right down I felt like a failure for not recognising she needed some stimulation.

I need to stop reading online.

OP posts:

Elfinablender · 31/12/2018 12:24

Yep, I have 3dc all out of the baby stage now. The only district cry is a cry out in pain and after that I think it's all Thale same. I think people play this game that they can tell the difference to kid themselves on they have some kind of parenting Kung Fu, whereas they are probably just basing it on the time of day and/or what happened last.

It's a kindness to let them have their delusions, in the same way it's kind to humour those who need to believe that their baby has been a pita because they are having a monumental brain leap and that they will sleep better next week

reallyanotherone · 31/12/2018 12:28

You’re supposed to be able to distinguish cries?!

Bollocks to that. My parenting for the first 5 months was if she cried 1) stick a boob in. If that didn’t work 2) change nappy check for general physical discomfort. If no luck 3) in pram and off for a walk around the block in the hope she’s go to sleep. If that didn't work repeat step 1....ad infinitum

CottonTailRabbit · 31/12/2018 12:35

Mine are older now but you've triggered my rage at parenting books. I had a very revealing chat with my NCT group many years ago when one person admitted tearfully, clearly feeling confessional, that she couldn't read her baby and must therefore be some kind of crap anti-earth mother who hasn't bonded. Turns out we all felt the same but felt to under pressure to perform as good mothers to admit it.

Bloody useless parenting "experts" leveraging the maternal guilt to make money.

Nobody has a clue. Seriously. That's one of the main reasons parenting a baby is exhausting. It's near constant What the fuck does he/she want?!

Mind you, second child was easy peasy. Turns out it was nothing to do with me. Eldest's personality is still to vocalise every feeling. Youngest is the same but amplifies as well as vocalises. Mostly neither actually need any intervention. Middle child is laid back strong silent type. Looking back these personalities were clear in infancy too but I took it as parenting fails.

You have less influence than those books / sites lead you to believe

SalrycLuxx · 31/12/2018 12:35

Never been able to distinguish cries. Ever.

Only exception would be shrieks of actual pain (v rare and usually found in older children when they do something daft like throw themselves off tables thinking they are superman).

Google lies. I recommend staying away from it. In event of crying, just try feed, change, cuddle, sing, put down for nap. Then do it all again. And if it doesn’t work just take baby for a walk in the pram. It’s easier to take the crying if you’re out in daylight rather than staring at the walls!

tabulahrasa · 31/12/2018 12:50

I always just fed them tbh... because if they wanted fed it worked and if it was something else they wanted but they’d be distracted by being fed then it also worked... so that was like 9/10 cries sorted, lol

Other than that it was just a process of elimination...

They’re adults now, so clearly they survived fine without me knowing what different cries meant...

Orlande · 31/12/2018 12:55

I have three children - crying, especially at 9 weeks, means "I'm uncomfortable".

They have no idea whether they are tired, or hungry, or cold, a newborn doesn't understand those concepts - how are they supposed to do special different cries for them? All they know is that they are unhappy.

Once they're a bit older you will definitely hear the difference between tired grizzling or fear/pain distress. But even at a year I can't tell if my child is whinging because they are bored or hungry without looking at the clock

SnuggyBuggy · 31/12/2018 13:00

Mine just wanted to feed all the time at that age

Nothisispatrick · 31/12/2018 13:02

I didn’t know we were supposed to distinguish cries. DD is 12 weeks and generally when she cries I give her milk, that usually solves it.

katmarie · 31/12/2018 13:02

Mine is nearly a year old now and I still can't tell. Other than his pain screech he could be crying for any number of reasons, so I still go through all the checks, food, drink, nappy, bored, tired, needing a cuddle, etc. We normally hit on a solution sooner or later!

SoyDora · 31/12/2018 13:03

At 9 weeks they don’t know why they’re crying, let alone anyone else! It just means that for some reason they’re uncomfortable... hungry, wet, tired etc. It’s just trial and error figuring out what’s wrong.

Valkarie · 31/12/2018 13:06

Definitely ditch the google, there are so many opinions and all will tell you they are right. If you are breastfeeding you might also find that your baby only wants to be settled by you feeding them, when someone else can settle with a cuddle. Mine have been very persistent like that!

Moonstoned · 31/12/2018 13:06

Nobody has a clue. Seriously. That's one of the main reasons parenting a baby is exhausting. It's near constant What the fuck does he/she want?!

This, exactly. No one can distinguish a helpfully distinct repertoire of cries at nine weeks, OP, and your baby doesn't yet have a concept of 'bored' or 'toys' or anything much other than IWANTSOMETHINGBUTIDON'TKNOWWHATITISSOICRY!!!!

I remember exactly how awful it was, like being continually screamed at by a tiny, ticking timebomb in a foreign language for which there is no dictionary, and whom you were supposed to love automatically, despite the fact that they were never very nice to you.

Honestly, this stage is gruesome, but it all gets better from here.

ashtrayheart · 31/12/2018 13:13

Mainly food or comfort at that age. They aren’t tamagotchis with a discernible need most of the time sadly !
I spent a lot of time walking around with a baby over my shoulder, they always wanted to be upright.

Elllicam · 31/12/2018 13:15

I’ve had 4 and still can’t differentiate cries.

Branleuse · 31/12/2018 13:18

I think a lot of parents who say they can tell are making lucky guesses based on all sorts of things. Baby doesnt usually even know what theyre crying for im sure

CmdrIvanova · 31/12/2018 13:19

When I was pregnant with my first, my DSis (who had 2 DC) said "If in doubt feed it". So I did. Worked brilliantly most of the time.

On a side note, is your baby breastfed? Breast milk digests faster than formula so it can seem like they want fed All The Time.

reallyanotherone · 31/12/2018 13:35

When I was pregnant with my first, my DSis (who had 2 DC) said "If in doubt feed it". So I did. Worked brilliantly most of the time

Yep. I also credit successful breastfeeding to this approach. No timing of feeds, expressing, top ups, worrying about stuff, just boob in at every squeak. Both of us got lots of practice and supply stimulated constantly.

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