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June mummies '05 thread 12 - the one where they aren't babies anymore!

473 replies

katzg · 21/09/2006 10:51

new thread!

Enjoy!

Congrats Jonah

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tribpot · 12/11/2006 19:45

Hi all - sorry for disappearing after my outburst on Friday morning. I was having a v frustrating time talking to a friend of mine who doesn't have kids and kept coming up with fatuous solutions like "have a nice cup of tea, you'll feel better" (I don't drink tea). But also the whole situation is just getting me down. I feel beaten down by life, to be honest. Ds is now in a joyous pattern of waking at 4:30; I am still co-sleeping with him so get no sleep after about 1 anyway, then after an hour of frantically trying to get him to sleep again at 4:30 I hand over to dh (I know I'm lucky that I get to do that) and get c. 2 hours sleep if I'm lucky / not too awake that it takes me an age to get back to sleep.

We are back to square one with dh, he sleeps all morning once ds has gone to his childminder, to make up for the early start. I'm worried the sleep clinic are going to take the machine back off us on Wednesday on the grounds that it's not improved the quality of his sleep enough to justify the expenditure, at which point we'll have to buy one of the cheaper models and hope that the implied risk of heart failure has been exaggerated ... (hmm, put like that, might just buy the expensive one, but we're talking 1500 quid).

Nothing else is going anywhere, you can read about it, should you wish to, here . It's hopeless.

Work is quite stressful too, as I've started on a new 'project' (well, assigned to new team, have no actual definition of work to be done) and am flailing about trying to work out what the hell's going on, made worse by knowing that prior to dh and ds I could do this standing on my head.

I'm also seeing a counsellor, so although this is technically beneficial we're in the early 'discovery' stages and I'm still reeling from her analysis a few weeks ago that, like dh, I have essentially given up on my life. I think that's true, and I wonder what the impact of that will be on ds long term

Finally (last paragrapn I promise) I have been invited to Stockholm for a reunion weekend with people I used to work with and it is insanely difficult to imagine how I can make the trip with dh and ds, but impossible to imagine going without them, or even taking ds but leaving dh, it just wouldn't be fair to them. (Damn this co-parenting lark!)

Bloody hell, that was a lot about me wasn't it? Anyway, apologies again. It often feels like work is the only thing I have any control over, and if one thing has to give (i.e. give up), it needs to be that. I still don't know what to do.

Right, to other subjects.

2Happy, the nappies are eco-dispies, let me know if you want to give them a try.

Jonah, hope we will see you chez Katz to help us eat the vast array of cakes she is promising to make! Yay for 12 weeks, great news.

MrsW, sorry to hear you've been poorly and I'll email you about getting together in the week. I think amyjade is leading the field in terms of the next 'Junie', she's about to drop at any moment! Megalo is having the first 'Junie-Junie' as she is due in June next year.

Lua - thanks for popping in to my other thread, I hope we might see you at Katz's?

Hope everyone's had a good weekend.

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giddy1 · 12/11/2006 21:04

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MrsWednesday · 12/11/2006 21:44

Hiya Trib. Just let me know when you're around, I have nothing much planned so can pop over whenever you like (evening glass of wine included ). You have so much on your plate at the minute, and with relation to your DH's situation I know that you are looking into every option available already.

The only thing I can think that might help is getting DS's sleep sorted out so that you get more rest. The clinic local to me runs a Sleep Clinic - one of my friends used it with her DS, and although it took a few weeks it definitely resolved most of the problems. I can give you the number. Or there's always Welshmum's famous sleep lady, bet she also does older children too. Being completely exhausted when you have such a huge amount of stuff to deal with it just not what you need.

One last thing (tell me to shut up!), I think if you could do the Stockholm trip on your own it would be brilliant - just for you to do something for yourself. You do so much for other people, you deserve (and need!) some time off too. Can your mum or MIL step in and help your DH with DS for the weekend so you can get away?

Phew. Sorry, probably completely overstepping the mark there

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sfxmum · 13/11/2006 10:17

trib hugs to you! have you given up?
i must be made of softer stuff, frankly after a week of my family being under the weather and worst than normal sleep i was fit to burst super cranky and depressive. i don't think that with what you have on your plate anyone can pass that kind of judgement.
you do a lot and cope with a lot. maybe it is a good opportunity to go by yourself to your meet up and just enjoy, don't feel guilty no one will come to any harm and you get to recharge.

i would go crazy if i did not have the occasional night off.

speaking of which my kind sister called me yesterday saying she had a spare ticket for Bruce Springsteen and would i like to come along, so yes please had a fab time singing and dancing with a bunch of old folk
hope you all ok

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teabelly · 13/11/2006 11:24

Trib - sweetie the Lady I met in Cambridge was fantastic and certainly not a giver upper, what a stupid thing to say to someone! Yup life gets us down, things go wrong, we have far to much on our shoulders at times but we are allowed to feel sorry for ourselves occassionally and moan about life's shitty quirks! I vote go to your Swedish meet up; as the others have said you need to so something selfish for Mrs Trib for once, heck if it comes to it we'll have master Trib for the weekend so you can go - and that's not an empty offer A break every so often is deaperately needed I am extremely lucky that my mum helps out very often so I know how much a weekend off, shit or even just a night off recharges the soul.

Having read your other thread I definitely think you should go for the DLA, and the outcome may help with your next decisions regarding staying at work or not. Also consider if you get any extra maternity pay for staying put. If you only get the basic then it may not be a factor, but if they pay over the odds then you may wish to hold onto this benefit until minitrib were to materialise?

Regarding DS's sleeping, does he have a room of his own? If so now maybe the time to try some controlled crying type exercise as he's old enough to be continually waking out of habit rather than need? Just like us lo's need training somethimes to develop a good sleeping pattern. It may take a week or two to get him into a good pattern but the benefits could mean so much for you! I know some people think this practice is cruel, and I don't mean leaving him to cry himself to sleep for hours, but just put him to bed, when he rouses settle him (don't pick him up) then leave the room. When he doesn't settle wait a couple of mins then repeat the process. Do this everytime, throughout the night, until he gets the message that you're still there and will settle him but it's sleeptime. Sometimes it may appear that he's worse for a day or two before it gets better; believe me I never thought I would ever get DS to sleep through and had 18mths of being a walking zombie, but once I tried it and persevered (rather than give up because DH didn't want to go through the few initial bad nights!) we never looked back.

I hope I haven't spoken out of turn and send you our love, x

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2Happy · 13/11/2006 20:52

Life shits, sometimes. I pottered onto MN to have a moan about ds teething... ha! I don't know I'm born. Trib, I know there's no quick answer for you - I know there's no light at the end of the tunnel with dh's pain, but I guess you'd hoped the apnoea machine would at least give you one less thing to think about. Can you ask your GP to refer dh to a different psychologist and get a decent length course (even if after an interminable waiting list) rather than the 2 sessions? I don't know about work, but I know after even one night of crap sleep I find it hard to work, let alone months and months of it. Would you get something like attendance allowance if you stopped work? Is it possible to leave ds with dh or does his apnoea mean he can't co-sleep? In which case, I guess a weekend in Stocholm would be pretty impossible . I (plainly) don't know what to say. I guess I wish there was a way to say things'll get better, but that's about as useful (and untrue) as saying you'll feel so much better if you have a cup of tea!! Just thinking of you x

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katzg · 14/11/2006 08:58

Trib - theres a shoulder here in Sheffield if you need it.

My FIL died on sunday night which although not a huge suprise was rather sudden. DH is down in Reading sorting it all out and as suspected it is all gonna get messy! i will probably start a thread under a different name to have a rant about it!! just in case any people concerned are mumnetters!

There is how ever one minor problem, we will have to go and help sort out FIL's flat and at the mo i don't know which weekend it will be, i'm hoping they will leave it until Dec but there is every possibility that it will be the weekend of the meet-up. i will keep you posted.

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muma3 · 14/11/2006 09:31

hi all , just thought id say hello .

things are ok at the mad house

havent really had much to report for a while but have tried to keep up.
dd1 was 9 last friday and had a sleep over , it was great. she had 3 friends to stay and they kept us up til 2am , had pizza and hot choc with squirty cream and we hired a few dvd's . she had a great time . we got her the pixel chick things and a new bike. she got 20 quid and we got her 2 rats yesterday as she had been begging for a pet of her own and i was really keen on the idea. they are settling in ok but we had them in our room last night and they woke me up in early hours dont mind though. dp says i might as well open a zoo . absolutly animal mad i am !!!
her dad hasnt been in touch her nan brought her a bike months ago but as dd1 doesnt want to go and see her anymore but would rather her come here then her nan has decided if she cant get her own way then she wont see dd1 . fucking pathetic tbh !! never heard a peep from her either . oh well my gain dd1 isnt really bother i just am so angry they are being so immature and her nan has just cut off her nose to spite her face really .

dd2's astham is playing up . she had her flu jab last month but she has a cold at the mo and her porr nose i red raw having to put cream on bless her .

had parents eve a few weeks ago and dd2's teacher said if it wasnt for her she wouldnt bother coming into school as she brightens the class and is the only one to put hand up . 50% is special needs but i thought that was a bit harsh to say .
dd1 is above her age for everything and got her 25 meters swimming cert last thurs and is attempting her 50 this thurs im so pruod of them both

dd3 , she a a bad cold too at the mo and is permantly crying recently . i have been suffering with migraines so it is geting hard to bear. she can sing "twinkle twinkle" its the sweetest thing!! all in tune bless her. she is starting to copy everything you ask her to say now and im sure her speech in under improvment.she hates having her nappy changed too !!! but doesnt like it when she knows she is going to poo . tells me too .

me and dp are going through a bit of a bad patch still . we are sorting things out and its getting better but our biggest problem is SEX , i just cant do it . i dont know why or anything but we havent had sex for months now . it upsets me to see him so upset about it but it still doesnt make me want it . its so hard knowing that its normal and we should be having sex but i just really dont want to and know matter how much i think about it i cant understand why ?????

anyway i hope you are all ok .

trib
giddy "hi"

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muma3 · 14/11/2006 09:31

katzg im sorry >>

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2Happy · 14/11/2006 14:57

Oh Katz, sorry for you and Mr Katz x
Muma - nice to hear from you, hope the colds improve soon. Have you spoken to your GP about the sex thing? I know you and dp had such a bad patch it could easily affect your sex life, but so can other things like side effects from contraceptives (microgynon made me a nun, lol!).

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Skyler · 14/11/2006 16:46

Hello all
Just popping on to say Hi.
Trib - so sorry things are so desperate. You need sleep and a break. Wish I could think of something. I say USE those grandparents.....and go to Stockholm. Easy to say though I know.
So sorry to hear your news too Katz.
Mama - Clever girls you have, thriving despite the difficulties with dd1's dad and nan etc. Shows you must be doing a good job helping her cope with it all.
Lol at 2happy on Microgynon. It is suiting me quite well now it has settled, in fact having the opposite effect when I am not too tired anyway. Have to say still usually too tired though lol.
Take care all xxx

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tribpot · 14/11/2006 20:22

Katz, so very sorry to hear your news No prob re: our meet-up weekend, just let us know. Can we do anything to help?

Muma - good to hear from you.

Thanks to all for your kind words. We've decided to go to Stockholm from Wed-Sun, to make the travelling more bearable. Going on my own wasn't an option for a lot of reasons, not least not wanting to be away from ds for a weekend when I miss him so much in the week. Also dh used to live in Stockholm and wants to try and catch up with his mates (as best he can). Plus ds is one of the three 'project babies' (both parents having worked on the project) and it would be lovely for all three of them to get together. One of the other two project babies is having his second birthday party on the Saturday, so hopefully we can have a few baby-friendly things to do, not quite sure how to cope with the whole 'sunrise at 8, sunset at 3' business. Surely this means ds will sleep like a dream - ha ha ha.

2Happy - no, co-sleeping not an option for dh.

Tea - am really touched by your offer. I bet ds would love it too - he and your ds are so alike! Re: maternity pay, I would keep my entitlement provided I moved within the NHS, so that's worth thinking about.

Ds has his own room, but doesn't sleep in a cot. We have occasionally managed to get him into a routine of sleeping in it, but he's always hated it. When the weather got so hot we had no choice but to bring him down to the middle floor, and although we've now got him back into his room, it's on the double mattress on the floor.

Things go along much as before. Sleep clinic tomorrow. I have been studiously trying to avoid my university friends for months, as they have annoyed me so damn much since I moved back up here, (some info here ). Last week one of them contacted me to commiserate about how her dd is in nursery 3 days a week now, clearly with the hope that I would admit ds was in nursery more (except he isn't at all) and thus be the 'worse' mother. I was angry about that, but not as angry as when my alleged best friend emailed me after months of silence with some general garbage about having moved house - I completely lost the plot and sent her a really abusive, if entirely deserved, email yesterday evening. I don't know whether she received it as it had a lot of swearing in, but also I asked her never to contact me again! So we may never know.

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Skyler · 14/11/2006 22:15

Aw Trib. You are getting no support at all. I can't believe you are still functioning!
If it is any consolation my closest loveliest friends now are all Mums. I have so little in common with the others, my old school friends and uni friends etc that I don't have the energy to invest in maintaining the friendships. They are clueless and that is me without working and a fit husband etc etc. Did you find any good support groups for the carers of people with your dh's illness? I also think he needs to stop being as stubborn and perhaps seek some support from a group himself too. I appreciate this will be a huge and difficult step but might take some of the pressure off somewhere. Sorry nothing more constructive to help with. I think you are amazing. Take care.

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sfxmum · 15/11/2006 08:18

hi Trib, you of course, know what is best for you and your family and goodness you do so much and keep it all together. hope the trip goes well and you meet good all friends - ditch the unhelpful bitch type ones they are just a weight around your neck.

i know some of what you mean about work, before kids i would have 'the project' at the forefront of my mind, after chils it was just of many and i mostly tried to deal with things in order to get back home asap. it does mess with a lot of previous expectations and assumptions, i feel.

hope you all ok, nice to hear from all regularly

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teabelly · 15/11/2006 13:11

Afternoon ladies

Trib - enjoy the trip so glad you're going - offer still stands if you ever need it, ds would love to have a little 'brother' to look after and that's the only way he's gonna get one now!

Mama - hiya, have to agree that it sounds like you're doing a very good job with your girls - you have every right to be proud Sorry to hear things still not right between you and dp - have you considered seeing the doctor/nurse?? Or maybe just cuddling and petting and then go from there without putting pressure on yourself to 'perform'...sometimes the perceived pressure just makes things worse??

It is funny how you find it harder to keep friendships going with friends who don't have kids - I have one in particular who hates children so I make sure we go en-mass when visiting even though dh and the kids would rather stay at home!

This weeks new words are 'NO' and 'uh uh uh' (accompanied by ferverent finger wagging) so you can tell who's been an angel not in our house

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teabelly · 15/11/2006 13:14

Oh Katz - many apologies, meant to add my condolances for dfil. Hope things are sorted out easier than at first anticipated.

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giddy1 · 16/11/2006 09:46

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sfxmum · 16/11/2006 14:35

katz - apologies for late mention, sorry for your loss, hope things go smoother than you antecipate.

muma - dh and i have been together for over 10yrs, lots up and down ebb and flow, but through it all we both find that maintaining some sort of physical closeness is important, i hope you manage to resolve that. like tea said don't discount medical problems.
and 3 kids is ahrd work and you do a really good job too.

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Uki · 17/11/2006 10:19

HI Ladies

Wow lots to catch up on here, we all seem to be having our ups and downs on here and I can relate to that.
Muma-Thinking of you
Hope things settle down soon

Trib -You really are amazing and thanks for asking (see below for answer. I hope you have fun in Stockholm and sleep improves have been having a bit too much sleep deprivation myself, forgotten what a good night's sleep is.


Katz. sorry for your loss, I hope it works out ok and easier than expected

DS and dh and I are mostly well, It was intresting reading that alot of Junies now sleep in big beds, my ds has been refusing to sleep in his cot, wakes up and keeps pointing and screaming at his big bed (a double at that) so for the last two nights we have given in but still wakes up and wants us.

He is soo grown up, likes to make cups of tea, water the garden and feed all the animals-what a helper. i'm using this for cute.

AAt the moment I'm mostly over on the TTC after m/c thread and you know how it is you can get a bit obsessive about it all, especially with the hormones and greif all rolled in together.
From the quick read here I might end up with some of you on an ante natal thread -Trib,and ??? I can't find who else said they were ttc.

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katzg · 17/11/2006 22:19

Hi all just a quick pop in to say thanks for all your best wishes.

The meet is still on so looking foward to seeing you all.

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giddy1 · 21/11/2006 12:35

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tribpot · 21/11/2006 19:21

Giddy - yeah! Was just about to report that ds insisted on (a) walking round Waitrose tonight and (b ) shouting 'dada gone' despite dada being very much in evidence, the dames of Otley must have thought he was a cunningly similar-looking stepfather! But you win

Btw, those of you skilled in the art of nappy rash might take a wander to my sore bot thread. Poor ds is really suffering through the nappy changes, it is so distressing. Bath full of poo not great either.

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sfxmum · 23/11/2006 08:56

good morning all

i hope you are all keeping well
i have been going out in the evening a fair bit and it is great for my sanity i must say (we talking once every couple of weeks average but still)
i hope dh and I can have an evening out together sometime soon, its been so long

love the storie of LO embarassing parents, it is only the start i fear
dd just goes around saying lots of expressions we use (note to self stop swearing in front of child)

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tribpot · 23/11/2006 09:45

ds pointed at a woman in the GP surgery last night with a fur-collared coat and shouted "cat". Fortunately as he says "am" for "cat" (am = meow) she was none the wiser.

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sfxmum · 23/11/2006 09:55

LOL lucky he did not say meat is murder or fur is blood

my mother told me i used embarrassed her terribly, once calling the nuns 'reactionary fascists' and telling a woman who had just proudly announced she had 12 kids 'have you not heard of contraception?' then again possibly they should have refrained from expressing some political views until i knew better where to spout them

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