Catholic Baptism - can I opt out?

[WhiskyCollins]

So I was raised Catholic - varying levels of devotion/strictness across my (large) family. I went to catholic schools, went to church reasonably frequently, and did my communion and confirmation.

However, I haven’t been to church except for family events for many years, and I don’t feel the loss of it or particularly want to go back, and I don’t call myself a Catholic anymore.

The only problem is, I am now a mother to a beautiful little boy and I am struggling with the idea of him being the only one in my entire family who isn’t baptised.

I know that my other family members who aren’t really religious have had their children baptised and just gone through the motions. Part of me considered doing this too, but I can’t bring myself to stand up and lie about what I believe.

I would love to let my parents stand up and say the baptismal vows in my place, as I know it means a lot to them that my son should be baptised and I have no objections. It would be easy to find loving and genuinely devout godparents amongst my family too. I would be content with my son becoming Catholic, but realistically I know this is unlikely as I won’t raise him that way myself.

Has anyone heard of anything like this happening? I will talk to my parish priest about this too but he’s quite unfriendly/unpleasant so I thought I would gauge strangers on an internet forum first 😁

Many parents want the church service for the occasion, photos etc. and as I said upthread, to keep Catholic parents happy and get the kids into the good school.

The religious bit is more often than not, meaningless. Much like a church wedding, I’d say most couples are not getting married in churches for any religious reasons.

You don’t have to be observant to get your baby baptised. Many of us do it for all sorts of reasons, the religion bit being the last of them.

@HelenCurlyBrown "You don’t have to be observant to get your baby baptised."

I think you'll find that this is incorrect. Baptism isn't available on demand.

In the Code of Canon Law the Catholic Church requires that:
'There must be a founded hope that the [child] will be brought up in the Catholic religion; if such hope is altogether lacking, the baptism is to be delayed according to the prescripts of particular law after the parents have been advised about the reason '

This is why parents asking for Baptism for their child need to attend an obligatory Baptism Preparation Course after making such a request to a Priest. These courses cover the meaning of Baptism and the responsibilities of parents and godparents.

If there is no reasonable assurance that after baptism the child will be raised in the faith, the priest has valid grounds for delaying the sacrament–or even refusing baptism altogether, if it is certain that the child will not receive a Catholic upbringing, something which is required by the sacrament itself.

You don’t have to be observant to get your baby baptised."
I think you'll find that this is incorrect. Baptism isn't available on demand.

It was for us 🤷‍♀️ The priest saw us, pretty sure we didn’t attend classes either time, but it was 20 years ago so I’ve forgotten if we did. We have a large group of friends we made through or kids’ Catholic school. We all just went through the motions to get them baptised as Catholics. It was totally worth it as they got to go to a brilliant primary.

"It was for us 🤷‍♀️ The priest saw us, pretty sure we didn’t attend classes either time, but it was 20 years ago so I’ve forgotten if we did. "

I think that there are some situations where baptizing a child is not appropriate.
There are principles that guide these pastoral decisions.Sometimes these principles are applied very harshly and rigorously and other times they are applied too liberally.
This is a decision of conscience for the Priest

"We all just went through the motions to get them baptised as Catholics. It was totally worth it as they got to go to a brilliant primary."
So you were happy to tell lies to get them into a "better primary" possibly taking the place of a child whose parents were genuine? Interesting.

Yes, I had no problem with it at all. Having been raised a Catholic (and sent to a convent school), I’m completely indoctrinated in and relaxed with the hypocrisy of it.

We did exactly what all of our friends from the school did to get them into the good Catholic school that’s only a mile away. Although our kids are proud atheists now, they enjoyed the whole Catholic experience and even did all of the sacraments including confirmation which was not something their secular secondary school organised, obvs.

Maybe one day, they’ll want to get married in a Catholic Church 🤷‍♀️

"I’m completely indoctrinated in and relaxed with the hypocrisy of it."

That's very sad,

There are some really sad opinions on this thread. Why are people making a mockery of a Sacrament by going through with it, when they don’t believe in it ,are rude about it and have a mercenary attitude towards using it as a passport to a good school
If it doesn’t mean anything to you, then at least don’t be hypocritical about it

@RedRosesPinkLilies "If it doesn’t mean anything to you, then at least don’t be hypocritical about it"
I agree,
If parents want a nice setting, a party, photos then a Baby Naming Ceremony at a country house will fit the bill.

And if people are "Proud Atheists" why would they want to marry in a Catholic Church anyway?

The OP's original question was "can I opt out" and the answer to that is "Yes". It isn't compulsory to have your children Baptised.

Thanks so much to everyone for the responses, it’s so interesting to see the mix of views. I’m sorry to see that some people seem offended - it was a genuine question and I don’t see it as a joke - hence trying to think it through properly and discuss it.

I won’t be doing a naming ceremony. The reason I was considering baptism is purely to connect my son to the rest of his family, and a naming ceremony would be meaningless for this. I’m not interested in the photo opportunity or in school options (no judgement on those that are as I think this also describes a large part of my family!)

I suppose there’s a cultural element to it that I don’t want my son to be excluded from, and I know it would make my parents happy. But since I don’t believe in saying things I don’t mean, maybe that’s something I’ll just have to live without.

Ps- to those who thought I must be making assumptions about the priest since I don’t go to church, I have also had to organise two family funerals there and I have had ample opportunity to get the measure of him. Won’t go into it but he’s not a compassionate man.

@WhiskyCollins I wasn’t offended by you, but by some of the advice given.
You do appear to be giving it thought and being honest about it.
It can be difficult when there is a family expectation- but I don’t think this is enough reason. I can also see the good in doing it, but there will be an expectation of First Communion and Confirmation. If your heart isn’t in it, you’re just going to pass that onto your son - and that’s not helpful.

if you have an inkling of interest I still think you should see if you can find another priest to talk to. Lately I’ve been going to two different Churches because the time of Mass doesn’t suit in one doesn’t suit me. The two Priests are very different, and both have different strengths. If you know of any practicing Catholics maybe ask around.

Why not wait until your child is old enough to express a preference. We are c of e, but one of my DD's was baptised and confirmed age 11, the other as an adult, all their choice

I really am at a loss to understand parts of your post.

You say it was a genuine question and I don’t see it as a joke - but previously you have said that you would have difficulty saying the Baptismal Vows with a straight face. That sounds like you see it as a joke.

You have also said that having DC Baptised would connect him to the rest of his family. Your son is already 'connected to his family' by blood. Having him Baptised is to connect him to God.

You say that your Parish Priest "isn't a compassionate man" based on his handling of two family funerals. IMO that seems to be a leap to judgement. Maybe you took his professionalism to be an indication of not caring?

Or maybe (and more likely) he picked up on the disrespectful attitude towards the Church you have shown here?

On a more positive note, your DC can be Baptised into the Church later in life if he chooses to do so..

@Creepingbuttercups Surprised that you don’t see any connection at all between family/community and the celebrations associated with the sacraments. If this is the case, why are these not carried out in private? Why do we need sponsors for confirmation, and godparents for baptism? It does connect you to your family. It might not be the main objective, but it does and I think it’s designed to. On balance I’ve decided I’m not going to ahead with baptism, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable or illogical to think it through, think about the implications and ask for advice.

If you think I’m being disrespectful for honestly expressing my feelings on an internet forum, there’s not much I can do about that, but I disagree that I’ve leapt to judgment on the priest, and I think any reasonable person would agree with me if they’d heard the things he said to my very devout and observant grandmother whilst she was grieving and ill. She was devastated. I think you’re the one who’s leapt to judgment that I must be in the wrong just because he’s a priest (and yes there are many other, wonderful priests - they are all individuals!).

"I think any reasonable person would agree with me if they’d heard the things he said to my very devout and observant grandmother whilst she was grieving and ill. She was devastated."

So, if you felt that your Priest did not conduct himself as required by his Office, did you raise a complaint formally with his Bishop?

The capstone liturgy specifically stress that parents are the first teachers of their child. So I think you'll find it difficult to get it done without at least one parent. If you don't like your priest, find another and ask his advice.

What is the Capstone Liturgy? Is it Eastern Orthodox because I don't think it's Catholic ??

Op you're over thinking if it's for cultural reasons. Half of Italy is the same as you, and they do this culturally. Hypocritical? Sure, Maybe, but it's more culture than full on religion. Religiosity is a scale for most people. You might agree with some parts of it, some not. Why keep engaging with the church? Very pragmatic reasons. Familiarity, comfort, spirituality, Connect with family, maybe the kid believes in the future and wants to become Catholic, maybe there's a nice catholic school somewhere nearby, maybe you change beliefs in the future.. It also isn't unheard of that people change and become more, or less observant or believers throughout their life. Same for Jews, many Jews don't believe Torah word by word but being part of a congregation gives a sense of community and belonging. Also the people saying baptism isn't offered or offered with many parental conditions. Not true. Church always wishes and hopes for the best. Of course they'll advise you to raise the child as Catholic. If you say you up front you aren't going to do that and don't belive in Catholicism then of course they have to say no and will question why you're there wasting their time... Is it for a party? But they will genuinely, at the slightest sign of any inclination, will try to add you and your child to the flock.

Do you want him to go to Catholic school, cos you'll need the Baptism certificate to enrol him?

I would make the effort to stand up and join in. It's good that you are thinking about it and don't want to be hypocritical . You might be asking for trouble if you ask for your parents to do it.

Could you try a different parish?

FWIW my atheist father was adamant that I shouldn’t be christened despite my mum and grandparents being devastated by this. It disconnected me from my family on a spiritual level. It feels like you know that’s important to you but you are (rightly) thinking about it properly

you can get him christened then see how it goes in terms of first holy communion and confirmation- allow him to make up his own mind?

@crystal1983 "you can get him christened then see how it goes in terms of first holy communion and confirmation- allow him to make up his own mind?"

No, this isn't possible.

In order to get to the stage of First Holy Communion a child will need to be baptised and have a period of instruction and regular Mass attendence, which OP will have to supervise.

In the Catholic Church, Confirmation requires candidates to be baptized, have attained the age of reason (generally considered seven), and be in a state of grace. They must also be sufficiently instructed in the faith, have the intention of receiving the sacrament, and be prepared to live as a faithful disciple of Christ. Additionally, a sponsor is required, who must be a practicing Catholic, at least 16 years old, and a role model for the candidate.

So 'making his mind up' isn't possible, as a child at this stage will not go any further unless the Priest is sure he has 'made his mind up'.

Alternatively, he could be baptised and then given no more instruction (despite OP promising to facilitate this) and be taken out of the church.

So there will be no First communion and no Confirmation.
This does not mean that in the future he cannot have instruction and work towards this.
The RICA course is designed for this. (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults)

I read the original posters post. I wish you well. I didn't see your objections to why you wanted to want to be baptised. It hasn't have to be grand ceremony with water immersion. You can be baptised by laying on of hands or simply your head being anointed with Holy water. If you haven't baptised it is very important for any Christian and I will explain why below. I was baptised as a child in a Catholic church.

Why do you need to be Baptised as a Christian..

Why being Baptised as an Christian is necessary

(1 Corinthians 12 27-28)-"Now ye are the Body of Christ, and members in particular and God have first set some in the church, first apostles."

The Church Body are members of the church and Jesus is also the head of the Church (Ephesians 1:22-23). As baptised Christians we become part of that body of Christ and have a purpose to fulfil in the church (1 Corinthians 12-28) (Romans 12). When we take the Eucharist we are being unified with Christ. Jesus is the vine/stem and I am dependent on him for my life.

The Holy Spirit is usually received today at church through the laying on of hands or baptism. "Paul had laid his hands upon them and the Holy Ghost came upon them (Acts 19-6) (1 Timothy 4:14). The Bible closely links Baptism to the giving of the Holy Spirit (Luke 3:16). Baptism goes far beyond the receiving of the Gifts of the Holy Spirit to renewing promises which marks the beginning of a new journey with God.

These are very important

The Holy Spirit has many roles, helper, protector, intercessor, advocate, strengthener, standby, comforter, counsellor, baptiser and a sanctifier.

We are born with our spirit which also contains the Spirit of God (Psalm 104-30) "Thy sendest forth thy spirit, they are created." From the Father- " But know that the Lord hath set apart him that is godly for himself: the Lord will hear when I call unto him" (Psalm 4). Being Baptised with more of the Holy Spirit at Baptism (which Jesus laid the way for) allows one to grow in the Spirit and become more fully ourselves emulating the attributes of God. This is the presence of God with us here and now and is a third attribute of God.

Jesus requests us to be born of Spirit as Christians (John 3:5), Jesus stated that, "Truly, truly, I tell you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God.”

Baptism of the Holy Spirit, can lead to gifts of the Holy Spirit who good so chooses to. The gift of the comforter has been essential in my life to get to this far, I couldn't have managed without it.

I don’t understand how people can go through with what is basically a charade.

"The only problem is, I am now a mother to a beautiful little boy and I am struggling with the idea of him being the only one in my entire family who isn’t baptised."

Will this matter after the inital conversation about you not having him baptised? My children were baptised because I wanted them to be baptised and I had a belief in God. I liked the parish and the priest, who was very welcoming and lovely. But I was very uncomfortable both with the parish priest and with First Holy Communion in general by the time that came round, so asked both my DS's if they wanted a FHC. They both said no. They are the only kids in the family who haven't had theirs (and they went to a Catholic school, so went to their friends and family's FHC parties). No one even remembers. I just said they werent having it and that was that. Even my very religious DM didnt say anything after the initial 'why?' and trying to bribe them with money! Now my DS1 is starting to get interested in faith as a teenager. If he wants to, he can be confirmed but it will be his decision as an adult and I have exposed him to my faith and his culture and allowed him to make his own decision. If you don't want to baptise him, then don't do it just because everyone else did it.