Finally admitting to myself that I don't believe

[Doglovesbooksx]

I grew up in a religious family, with a preacher as a father, so basically spent most Sundays of my life listening to my dad tell me what I should believe. I did believe it, though I was never a very "good" Christian, although I would do my best to read the Bible, pray and read lots of religious books to help me be better at the whole thing. While my siblings left church as soon as they could, I stayed. I blamed many things for my failure to be a better Christian, one of which was never having any Christian friends (it was a small, ageing church). I finally moved to another church in the hope that it would help me, but it actually did the opposite - seeing all these people at my age and stage of life with genuine faith slowly confirmed to me what I had feared for a while, that I never really believed at all. I was a fake. I know I have issues around disappointing my parents and now wonder if I was just so desperate to please them that I forced myself to "believe". I stopped going to church months ago, originally on a temporary basis for a specific reason, but just never went back, mainly because I don't know if I can face being there knowing that I'm such a fraud. What I feel worst about is that I have young children who will grow up with no knowledge of God unless I take them to church. Should I take them to church? Attend church not knowing if I actually believe any of it any more? What if it's true and I'm preventing them from hearing about it? The whole thing is weighing really heavily on my mind, and I have depressive tendencies, which doesn't help. I feel so guilty and confused.

Perhaps you still have faith and are just redefining faith (I prefer this word to belief) on your own terms, finally!
I left the Catholic church years ago, having raised two of my three children in the faith. I grew up with a Catholic mother and a secular father of Jewish background. Leaving the church in my early 40s was huge, a bereavement in fact. But I had to be true to this calling away from the church. I had too many questions and felt too bound to this 'one way system' of believing. Why couldn't the trees be my temple? I found prayer and faith came (and still come) to me more easily whenever I was out walking among the trees and the greenery and life all around. And there were lots of bigger questions. The truth is, how I wanted to exercise my faith was no longer supported by the Catholic church, for me, personally. I still sometimes, once in an extremely blue moon, attend Vespers (sung Mass) at the Brompton Oratory, which everyone should do once because it is a truly divine and beautiful experience.

In the years since I've left the church, OP, my faith didn't diminish or evaporate. It just grew differently, like new branches on an old tree. My roots will always remain fixed in faith. That surprised me at the time because I really thought I was abandoning God and my beliefs. What I hadn't acknowledged was that my root system was like meandering rhizomes, leading me to all sorts of unexplored, uncharted pathways of faith and spirituality. Leaving the church was hard. But it didn't mean leaving faith. I still hold the church with love and gratitude in my heart for all that it has given to me throughout my lifetime. But leaving it has allowed me to focus on being a Christian in my every day life in ways I couldn't while I was actively part of the church. That's not the church's fault! It was just me, needing something different.
I walk with my faith. It is alive in me and it in turn gives me a real sense of being alive in this world, while not fearing the unknown. My entire belief in God and all that I have faith in may be totally false. I know this. But the fundamental qualities of Christianity- in fact of all religions- give my life purpose. I could and would still be a nice person as an atheist. I could and would still be a nice person, if I knew, in my heart of hearts that God and all of my Christian teachings and beliefs were false. But my faith is sincere and I hold it in high esteem and through it, I believe, probably greater than I ever did before. In fact, I am sure of this. And it's a very soothing feeling.

I hope you find your pathway. And the only belief you need right now is the belief in your own ability to lead a good life, a life of loving example. Anyone, of any faith or no faith at all, can do this.

I have been on this journey myself recently although I was never much of a church attender, I did believe, but wavered back and forth over the years.

I have been listening to the Myth Vision podcast (which is fascinating from a historical point of view) on YouTube and through there found this free course by Dr Bart Ehrman which I found interesting and useful.

https://www.bartehrman.com/why-i-am-not-a-christian-how-leaving-the-faith-led-to-life-of-more-meaning-and-purpose/

Take your time to explore your feelings, there is no rush to decide about your children now. My Mum was not very religious when we were growing up, she took us to several different religious services of different faiths as part of our education, we didn't commit to anything, but that gave us an experience we could follow as adults should we choose to.

Don't feel you must take them to church 'in case it is true'. If you look at it that way you must teach them to follow Islam in case that is true and then start working your way through all the Hindu gods.

If they grow up knowing that it's ok to believe or not believe they can decide later themselves.

There can be no shame in lacking belief in a particular god since everyone lacks a belief in the other 999 gods they don't follow.

And if you think about it at least 999 sets of believers are totally wrong. They each believe in a completely false myth.