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Original poster

HELP? To get son christened?

28 replies

pliuyawa · 07/10/2023 16:51

Hello MN'ers - advice please...

I was christened into CoE as a baby. Husband was into Catholicism. Neither of us go to church or practice either religion however my husbands family do (Catholicism)

They want to get our first child christened as a Catholic as it would mean a lot to them. As I say, husband doesn't practice and so I feel a fraud even getting him christened.

Also I feel like as I'm CoE, I'd rather that if anything, though my family wouldn't mind too much either way I don't think.

What do I do...? I don't know enough about either to be be completely honest...

OP posts:
BabyMoonPie · 07/10/2023 16:56

You and your husband are the baby's parents so it's your decision. What anyone in the wider family wants is irrelevant. If you don't practice religion why would you have baby christened? If they want to follow a religion when they're old enough to make the decision for themself they can

Original poster
pliuyawa · 07/10/2023 17:15

BabyMoonPie · 07/10/2023 16:56

You and your husband are the baby's parents so it's your decision. What anyone in the wider family wants is irrelevant. If you don't practice religion why would you have baby christened? If they want to follow a religion when they're old enough to make the decision for themself they can

That's how I feel. I would rather he decided when he's old enough. BUT husband wants to make family happy and so would like to do it really I think. He also wants our son to go to catholic school so this could well be part of it.

OP posts:
horseymum · 07/10/2023 17:20

You have to promise that you turn to Christ etc. Please read up on what you are promising and see if you believe it.

NannyR · 07/10/2023 17:20

Baptising your baby means standing up in front of the church and promising to bring them up in the Christian faith (which probably means practicing that faith yourself).
What about a dedication or thanksgiving service, and then let the child decide themselves about baptism when they are older?

UsingChangeofName · 07/10/2023 17:25

BabyMoonPie · 07/10/2023 16:56

You and your husband are the baby's parents so it's your decision. What anyone in the wider family wants is irrelevant. If you don't practice religion why would you have baby christened? If they want to follow a religion when they're old enough to make the decision for themself they can

This, but the schools admission thing will presumably affect your decision ?

Why not talk to the priest and see their take on it ?

Topseyt123 · 07/10/2023 17:31

Your decision entirely. There's no need to keep the family happy.

If you want to do a christening then do so. If you don't then don't.

Neither of you are practising or particularly bothered on the religious front, so I personally just wouldn't bother.

Why the obsession with sending the children to catholic school when neither of you are really into it? They aren't necessarily any better or worse than other schools. All three of mine went to non-denominational schools and results were fine.

Burntouted · 08/10/2023 02:09

Let your son decide for himself when he's older. His system of faith, if any should ultimately only be his decision.

In my opinion.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 09/10/2023 22:55

Have a naming ceremony instead.

Tessofthebicyles · 10/10/2023 20:03

Topseyt123 · 07/10/2023 17:31

Your decision entirely. There's no need to keep the family happy.

If you want to do a christening then do so. If you don't then don't.

Neither of you are practising or particularly bothered on the religious front, so I personally just wouldn't bother.

Why the obsession with sending the children to catholic school when neither of you are really into it? They aren't necessarily any better or worse than other schools. All three of mine went to non-denominational schools and results were fine.

This is sound common sense.

Dizzybelle · 11/10/2023 10:43

I did this with my first child. I got them baptised to please my religious family. I really truly regret doing this. I no longer believe in religion, but I did just to please them and yet I don’t believe any of it.

A child can’t consent to a baptism, let them decide when they have the ability to rationalise and to really understand what they are committing to, when they are older, instead of them being committed to something they don’t know or understand because that is indoctrination.

anonimoxyz · 11/10/2023 10:45

Your in laws did what they wanted with their kids. Now you get to decide what to do with yours. I wouldn't do it personally

Raineverywhere · 11/10/2023 10:53

You say your DH wants him to go to Catholic school. Do you want this?
You need to decide, but in England he will need to be baptised if that's what you want regarding schooling.
You are promising to bring him up Catholic though so be aware of that.

RoseAndRose · 11/10/2023 10:54

NannyR · 07/10/2023 17:20

Baptising your baby means standing up in front of the church and promising to bring them up in the Christian faith (which probably means practicing that faith yourself).
What about a dedication or thanksgiving service, and then let the child decide themselves about baptism when they are older?

Yes and no.

As OP is not catholic, she doesn't have to do the raising in the faith part of it, simply refrain from preventing her DH from doing so.

fartfacenotfatface · 11/10/2023 11:03

I was raised CofE (went to church regularly into my teens, attended a faith school etc.).
As an adult, I'm non-practicing but will attend church occasionally with my parents when visiting etc.
When my children were born, I felt that it would have been hypocritical to have them christened as I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the promises I was expected to make in church and that didn't sit right with me. I know that my parents were disappointed with that decision. I also had many friends and family who never stepped foot in church at any other time besides weddings and funerals had their children christened and couldn't understand why I felt it was wrong for us to do the same.
For me though, I had enough respect for the religion to feel uncomfortable saying words in church that I knew weren't true for us (I didn't marry in church for the same reason).
My children are now teens and I don't regret my decision. Just as your in-laws did what they wanted to for their children, it's your turn as the parent now and you make those decisions for your child.

Original poster
pliuyawa · 11/10/2023 13:47

Such helpful replies, thank you all. My gut tells me not to; I wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons. May well end in a family dispute but so be it.

OP posts:
TribeD · 11/10/2023 19:15

My DD was baptised earlier this year - it was her decision.

She started to talk about wanting to be christened (she's 7) so DH and I talked to her about what it meant and took her to church so she understood a little more about what church is and what it means.

We'd spoken about having her baptised when she was a baby, but never got round to it. We weren't churchgoers aside from christenings, weddings or funerals and so it felt a little hypocritical to get her baptised. Letting her make the decision and becoming part of a fantastic church family has been lovely.

Fink · 12/10/2023 15:44

I work in a Catholic Church.

You've had some good advice already on the moral side of it.

I would just say, from a canon law point of view, a Catholic baptism binds the child to certain things within the Church's law. This has no standing in the UK civil law so it might not ever affect him, but it's worth knowing - I always make sure parents know this when I am preparing them for baptism. For example, a non-Catholic is considered by the Catholic Church to be validly married wherever their wedding took place, but a baptised Catholic can only get married within a Catholic Church, or else the Church does not accept the validity of the marriage [it is slightly more complicated than that, but that's the issue in a nutshell]. Basically, someone who is baptised has taken on certain obligations within the Church.

Also, the Church is required to have a 'founded hope' that the child will be raised Catholic. You are unlikely to find a Catholic Church where you can just walk in and ask for baptism (they probably exist, but I would avoid them).

If you're trying to decide between CofE and Catholic, there's not much difference really. Both are valid Christian baptisms. But what does a baptism mean to you? Genuine question for you to ask yourself - you don't have to come back and answer publically. You say you're not practising, but that can cover a lot of different experiences and beliefs. What do you believe baptism does? Do you believe in God? Jesus? Salvation? Heaven? Ultimately, it's up to you and your husband, but if you're only doing it to keep family happy and you don't actually believe it at all, then ...

PinkRoses1245 · 12/10/2023 15:57

It's your decision, not to do with your family. if you are not actively religious as a family, i think it's a bit of a sham to have a christening.

Slothlikemum · 12/10/2023 16:00

In terms of school admissions being baptised won't be near enough to prove Catholicism for most schools. You'll also have to have proof of regular church attendance. So if your DH wants to send your child to a Catholic school he's got to sign up to weekly mass attendance too.

Parky04 · 12/10/2023 16:08

Neither of our 2 have been christened. In our view, it was not our decision to make. They are adults now, and neither of them are religious.

Jasmin1971 · 12/10/2023 16:14

I would seriously consider allowing the child to grow up and make up their own mind as to which religion ( if any) they wish to join and let's your in laws know that this is the approach you intend to take.

Raineverywhere · 12/10/2023 16:26

Jasmin1971 · 12/10/2023 16:14

I would seriously consider allowing the child to grow up and make up their own mind as to which religion ( if any) they wish to join and let's your in laws know that this is the approach you intend to take.

I'm never sure about this. The majority of people who grow up in non-religious households don't adopt religion when they're adults.

Is this really because it has nothing to offer them, or simply because of the lack of regular exposure to possible benefits. Genuinely not sure.

I'm not particularly religious myself, but was raised Catholic and I think I like having that background. I know it's there.

crimsonfleet · 12/10/2023 18:35

Raineverywhere · 12/10/2023 16:26

I'm never sure about this. The majority of people who grow up in non-religious households don't adopt religion when they're adults.

Is this really because it has nothing to offer them, or simply because of the lack of regular exposure to possible benefits. Genuinely not sure.

I'm not particularly religious myself, but was raised Catholic and I think I like having that background. I know it's there.

Show quote history

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Raineverywhere · 12/10/2023 23:05

@crimsonfleet Well I guees it is bad if the very reason you put off making a decision for your child is because you think it's better they make it themselves when they're older, ie you want to give them the freedom of choice.

But what if your decision actually means they'll never get an opportunity to make that choice in any meaningful way? Really, if you raise kids a certain way, how likely are they to become religious? The chances aren't that high I'd think?

And whether you think this is good or bad is up to you, but I was just pointing out that, in reality, you may actually be making an active choice away from religion for your child, when you think you're just leaving things open.That is, you can perhaps believe you're leaving it up to them, but I'm inclined to think it's really not a neutral act as the majority won't be anywhere near enough religion to find it.

But I'm not certain. This is just me musing. Haven't any stats to hand or anything. Could be wrong.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/10/2023 23:18

Which school do you want them to go to? That might be relevant but not yet, so you have time to decide.

I got my baby christened and it was a lovely day - the way I see if they choose later if they want to be confirmed or not, the christening is about celebrating the baby being here, welcoming them to the church (so it should be a church you will attend!) and for the parent(s) to say how they will raise their child, and of course to formalize godparents. I'm really happy I did it, but it is meaningful for me.