Could I have managed this difficult conversation any better?

[Bimblesalong]

I have been away at a nice country house hotel with my husband to celebrate our wedding anniversary. It's the sort of place where guests use the sitting rooms in the evening, have a glass of something and chat in front of the fire - or just read, etc.

We met a lovely older couple and enjoyed their conversation and the husband's zest and enthusiasm for discussion. He appeared to have a lovely and kind way of talking and enquiry. He had recently been very ill and we understood from the discussion that he may have had a "near death" experience - although having only just met them, didn't want to discuss further.

The final evening after dinner, we all met again in the sitting room. This is where the very strange encounter happened and I am left a little reeling and wondering if there was anything I could have done to handle it better. My husband and I were sitting in the corner chatting to the couple, the last people left as others gradually said good night. The chap's wife went up to bed and we were left talking. The evening before, the chap had said that he would pose us a conundrum to think about and to answer at breakfast time, which we had thought was another "conversational opener" as we had had some good chats about various things (history and art, not religion and politics!). He had asked us to think about the phrase "nothing comes from nothing".

Left alone with him, he asked us what we had thought. He then became very heightened emotionally, launching into a very strong speech about God, hate, love, and that he had a duty to spread the message. Some of the things he said were quite disturbing and at one point he stood with his arms out, discussing the crucifixion in horrifying detail, then talking that he had "seen God" and how terrifying it was as God cannot look upon sin. He was very upset and it was hard to deal with him - we were also on tiny chairs, so getting up was a struggle and he was hugely looming over us. There was no point arguing with him as he wanted to spread the message of his point, and tbh we just wanted to finish what should have been a celebratory evening in peace and quiet, rather than prolonging it into the night with a religious argument.

There was no space to say "come on old chap, it's late, let's all get to bed" as there was no space in his tirade (wrong word but you understand) and we were strangely worried about offending or upsetting him. We let him play it out and he did eventually go off to his room and wife. I've never been speechless before!

I've never been in such a situation and it felt like being in front of a fire and brimstone preacher - but also in front of a chap who is staring his mortality in the face. I wonder if he had had some sort of near-death revelatory experience. It has really unsettled me - not sure why, and was so at odds with the older gentleman who was standing as ladies came into the room, opening doors, etc, and discussing other topics politely.

What could I have done to diffuse or manage this better?

@ilovetomatosoup, it depends entirely on your perspective. As a Christian I tend to see God in most aspects of life - if not all. But I do appreciate others may not. However at the end of the day, weighing things up, being compassionate is not bad no matter how you look at it.

"He needs to find help to cope but frightening others with tirades and sudden character changes is not the answer."

@ilovetomatosoup so you are talking about someone having difficulties coping. You must appreciate that they may not be completely within British etiquette in terms of their conversation.

I’d have sat there trying to placate and understand him. Depending on my DHs mood he would have done the same or else if he had enough of him he would have gotten aggressive with him and sent him on his way. DH is a pretty slight bloke but he is absolutely fierce and I have never seen him hang back from aggression if it is necessary.

I think you letting him burn out was absolutely fine. On my own as a woman that is absolutely what I would have done. Clearly he has some very difficult emotions playing out and it is really tough being part of that but that is life, the same as if you find yourself in the middle of a domestic barney coming home from a night out which has happened many times to me over the years.

Not my domestics btw just ones we have walked through on the way home.

@meanderingbrook Kindness and compassion works two ways - something I find gets forgotten when someone is determined to pose their viewpoint(s) on others. You have a couple trying to celebrate their wedding anniversary and been generous enough to share this up to another couple. They did not sign up for a religious tirade.

I would have been tempted to contact the wife so she was aware of the incident and could get him the help he requires. But as I said before the god/religion thing is a total distraction (and I have had close friends throughout my life who are, and have been terminally ill, and died at a fraction of his age starting at 8 years old).

Am I the only one who'd be thinking of Christopher Plummer singing that in The Sound of Music?

What's rude is preaching at people in an intimidating and disturbing way without even giving people a chance to say anything.

@"meanderingbrook Kindness and compassion works two ways"

@ilovetomatosoup, only if you have a rather transactional perspective on life. Personally, I think compassion is a pretty good quality in a person and something I value so I aim to be compassionate regardless. Not something that has to be 'earned' from me.

He was bonkers. What fun! My DH and I would have laughed our heads off when we got back to our room. Why are you worried about "handling it better"?

Also probably pissed. His wife is probably used to leaving him to it.

Same here. This kind of thing triggers me still.

Thankyou all for your responses. I’ve read with interest and have found the range of views to be interesting, with much which will help should the situation ever arise again!

I think if it arises again you should join in, especially with arms spread dramatically like a crucifixion! It can be like a cross between an El Greco painting and a busy day at Speakers' Corner, especially if you all jump onto chairs! See who can shout the loudest and longest! 🤣 However, I suspect you probably need half a bottle of whisky inside you first 🥳

Agree- religious ‘compassion’ always comes with a price tag & condescending pity. Everyone needs ‘saving’ from themselves without realising they are the brainwashed ones in need of help.

But not putting up with it would be rude, apparently.

I always take it with a pinch of salt when people on the internet talk about how they would have handled a situation - being firm, getting up and walking away, shutting it down, nipping it in the bud, not taking any shit etc etc. In reality, most people (including me) would do what the OP did and endure the very annoying tirade until it fizzled out. Then they would talk about it later in a 'what the hell just happened?' kind of way. And we would feel a bit used and abused. Whether that's the 'right' response is anybody's guess, but I genuinely believe it's the most common one.