We ought to be able to forgive. This seems to be a deeply ingrained principle in our society, an agreed ideal, thanks in part to a Christian heritage. But in practice forgiveness is not always the best policy. A stark example. If you are in a physically abusive relationship, forgiving can be dangerous. It could lead to inadequate self-protection - wrong for you, for the abuser, and for any children around, who could end up with a distorted idea of how to negotiate human relations.
But what should be done if the acts involved are more insidious, a succession of digs, slights or unkindnesses, rather than obvious abuse, as seems to be the case for BeCoolYolande? Bystanders, not understanding the cumulative effect of 1000 small cuts, might urge forgiveness. Your own conscience might agree. (It’s not important. They didn’t really mean it. Move on.) You are then left with a double burden. The stress of having been chipped away at for a protracted time and the guilt of being unable to fulfil society’s expectation - and your own - that you practise forgiveness.
When I find myself in such situations I try to imagine that the victim of the anti-social behaviour is not me but instead a cherished friend who has come to me for support. Would my initial response be to suggest to them that they be selfless and look for the good in the other person and forgive them because it’s the Christian way? I don’t think so. I’d feel protective of my friend and not expect them to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and be forgiving in the first instance. My priority would be to validate them in their feelings, hear them out and acknowledge and understand their hurt. This has to come first.
So don’t dismiss your own emotional pain. Recognise what has happened, what is happening, and the validity of your own feelings.
To misquote a certain someone, ‘Thou shalt love thyself as thy neighbour.’
Then, if you are going to have to spend a lot of time with the person who is behaving in an anti-social way towards you, talk it through with them if you possibly can. Explain how you feel but resist accusing them of anything. Confrontation rarely works. If you know that any exchange will just lead to frustration on your part, and a stubborn lack of understanding on theirs, talking it through with someone else who isn’t involved, someone whose wise counsel you value, is a reasonable alternative.
And think of the ultimate goal as letting go of pain rather than forgiveness, though forgiveness may follow in a natural and unforced way in due course when the whole matter has been properly processed and ceases to loom so large. In the short term, at least, if a productive conversation about the issues is unlikely, this might mean seeing less of the wrongdoer, or, if that’s not practical, creating some emotional distance between you and them when you do see them.
Vowing not to hand your sense of who you are over to them on a silver platter in the future will definitely help too!