Churchgoers! How do you keep your toddler happy during mass, or am I onto a loser from the start?

[Lovecat]

DD is 2.2

I've taken her to mass since she was 3 weeks old, for the first year of her life she was good as gold, never made a sound, never played up, I was hoping that by taking her to mass that early on, she'd get used to it and behave when she got older.

However... it appears that familiarity has bred contempt and she will not stay seated in the pew next to me. Now, I'm not so unreasonable that I expect her to follow the mass, or sit quietly doing nothing, but I would at least like her to stay in the pew and not make too much noise.

I can't leave her at home, the OH works on Sunday mornings, so if she doesn't go to church, I can't go to church. There is no sunday school, we have a new parish priest who is very sniffy about kids in general (actually we've been trying to work out whether he's cripplingly shy or just has no social skills whatsoever). Just before Christmas he suggested to me that I don't bring her as it's becoming 'obtrusive' for the rest of the congregation, which really upset me, as this is what she does:

I sit in the 2nd to back pew, right at the end so if she does kick off I can make a quick getaway so she won't disturb people.

However, this means she can get out to the back of the church, and she goes off and sits on the low step next to the windows. When she gets bored with me ignoring her, she'll come back for a minute or so, then potter off again. If I try to make her sit with me or stop her from going, she screams the place down, so my view is that it's better to have her quietly wandering than yelling throughout mass. However, it's pretty constant and she'll try to go up with the offertory procession etc as 2 little girls who sit behind her (who adore her) help with it and she will toddle off behind them. Apparently this is disruptive....

She will also say things quite loudly, our church has good acoustics so it carries, and no matter how I tell her beforehand that she must be quiet in church, or shush her when we're in there, it has no effect.

Threatening to take her out is no good, she doesn't want to be in there in the first place, so it's no punishment, even if I make her stand in a corner once we're outside...

If I bring toys and books she will bang them on the pew, as she likes the noise they make, so that's a non-starter.

Should I be bothered about this or press on regardless? I feel like I've gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson by the time communion comes around! I also feel like I haven't attended mass, as I've been too concerned with what she's doing/where she is.

Is she just too young for mass?

If anyone has any tips, please, please share them!

zookeeper - rofl at 'fart' my DD burped rather loudly this morning

I once apologised to our priest for the DSs behaviour and he told me that

1. I shouldn't apologise
2. that I should carry on bringing them and sit in the front pew so they can see what's going on
3. that it was "their" church - where they belong and that if anyone else complained, I should ask them to speak to him

FWIW I think your priest has no right to say things like that you and I bet most people like having a small child at mass. Our front pews have turned into a small sub branch of the toddler grou[p and everyone says how lovely it is to see the children at mass.

Whereabouts are you? Lets find you a nice friendly priest!

I'm fortunate in that dh can keep ds/dd when I go to mass. I now take both dd - one of 3 and one of 8. The 3yr old is actually very good and knows she will get a treat if she is good, we sit about 2/3 pews from the front so she can see whats going on (and I tell her the priest is watching her) and generally its all good. We do take all 3 if we go on Sundays together and having 2 adults is fine.
I wouldn't have thought of taking any of the dc until they were almost of school age though - you do be concerned they are being too noisy. Good luck - it will get better!!

Sitting at the front works for us as well, as they can see what's going on. Though we do have a side door through which we could make a hasty exit if the need arose, which it has once or twice.

I admit I only started taking dd2 to Mass once she was nearly 3 -- before that I used to leave her at home with (noncatholic) dh. But that was for the sake of my own nerves, not because anyone would object to any noise she might make. We go to 11am mass which is a slightly more grownup affair, but even there no-one objects to normal toddler noises. At the 9am family mass it's open season for noisy kids.

Your priest needs a change of attitude v. v. badly -- where does he think the next generation of Catholics are going to come from?

Shes not too young and she is doing exactly what my children do. In our church lots of parents bring colouring books and the like to entertain kids. We do however go to mass that is more for families so the old grumblies have their own..lol The priest at our church is very child orientated...which helps although this week he did tell DD1 to shut up as she was shouting over him for the announcements..lol[in a nice way but she ignroed him] Sounds like your priest is a bit miserable as if you dont take your DD where are the next generation of church goers? Religion is for everyone not just those who sit still and quietly.

I think its really sad that your priest does not welcome children. I would look for another church and tell the nuns and the couple in your congretation why you are leaving your church. It might still be possible to keep in contact with them.

I think its really important to take small children to church. When you get your child baptised you promise to bring them up as christians. How can you give your children a christian up bringing if you don't take them to church?

Taking a child to mass is for their benefit as much as yours. I can synpathise with you feeling that you had 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. It felt just the same when my son was two. However at the age of five his behaviour is angelic in church. Admitally our church has a sunday school and I often used to take my son out the back when he was younger.

if no one else has, can i suggest confiding with the nuns about how anxious you are feeling? they may have a word with the priest on your behalf to help ease the tension. or say some prayers for you.

That's awful what that priest said to you. I remember hearing a priest say that the reason they don't get married is so they can be a father to all the congregation. Unfortunately it means that they generally have no idea what its like to be a parent!

I was brought up RC, one of 6 kids, and when I think what some of us did in church... (like pushing the front pew over in the middle of mass!)

We had a member of our congregation complain the other day that its becoming "a church for kids not adults", which I think is FANTASTIC. When I started going to our church we were the only family apart from the Vicar's, and its thanks to the effort he and his wife have put in, with things like the Sunday club, and the youth club, that we now seem to have a lot of children at church.

I would get the nuns onside, tell them how the priest made you feel, and that it makes you feel like you shouldn't be coming to church, and let them rip him apart in a fit of righteous fervour!
He needs to know the damage he is doing, and that he is failing in his ministry if that is how he is going to treat the church of the future! (see, now I've got a strop on!)