need advice/thoughts from regular church goers re: Communion (long, sorry)

[RingUpRingRingDown]

I'm trying to make sense of a lot of things that don't make much sense at the moment, so apologies for the long and rambling nature of this post 😳.

Background: I was brought up in a very church-going household (unhealthily so, IMHO, church ranking above all else). At the age of 10 I began to feel very clearly that there was no such thing as God. I was forced to go to church though until I 'grew out of' thinking like that. At 16 I refused point blank to go and have barely set foot in a church since other than the occasional school function and funeral.

However in the last 2/3 years I've really started to waver in my beliefs and feel like I really want to go to church to try to make sense of things. I'm far from sure that there is a God but I'm certainly no longer sure that there isn't. I feel like I need to listen to what is being said and make my own mind up.

However, I feel very uncomfortable with certain aspects of church services. I don't like saying the Lords Prayer because I'm not sure that I believe what I'm saying and I don't fully understand the need to say it out loud. I really don't feel comfortable with Communion because I'm not at peace with God. I'm also not 100% sure if I can receive it anyway as I've not been christened?

What I'm wondering is what other members of the congregation will think if I don't go for communion? Will it be awkward and will I feel pressured into doing something which I don't want to do? I know I could go along with it for an easy life but I find feel true to myself doing that.

I have mentioned to a couple of friends who are church goers that I don't want to take communion but I haven't said why (although I would be happy to tell them, just not explaining myself to strangers).

It is a village church where everyone knows everyone.

Good. Glad you got over your worries, went along, and found a warm welcome

Well done OP. This time last year I was more or less in your shoes, down to the committed atheist DP. If you can't go every week but are already thinking of going back pencil in May 15th (pentecost), likely to be a good one.

At my (large Anglican) church communion is passed around rather than going up to the altar and they make a specific announcement that anyone should feel comfortable to just pass it along and lots of people do.

When I first went I did not believe but was trying to work things out and I did not pray or sing any words I didn't agree with. No one said anything and everyone was very welcoming.

The point of the Christian faith is that no-one is 'good enough' on their own merits. Every single person has done, said and thought things that are wrong. We all need forgiveness and God wants everyone to come to him so you should definitely feel welcome and in no way judged.

You shouldn't feel you have to do anything you are uncomfortable with. I went to a Christianity Explored course when I was ready that I found helpful or if none in your area you could ask the vicar of someone at church to talk to you 1:1.

Our local anglican church has plenty regulars who do not take communion. They are always warmly invited to come up for a blessing instead but are also welcome to stay in their seats. Maybe if you got there in time to pick a seat by the wall so that you did not have lots of people climbing over you to get to communion that might feel less awkward. If we were all more honest with ourselves and God , it would be a decision that Christians made on a weekly basis as we are told in the Bible NOT to take communion if there is anything we need to put right with someone else.We should sort that out/ask forgiveness from the person before taking communion.
I would really encourage you to try it out and see. God is obviously prompting you. Do not say anything you do not believe, just listen and ask God to reveal himself to you. It is very common to grow up in a Christian home, reject it all because it was forced and not a choice and then at a later age start to ponder it all again.