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Original poster

Self harming Christian

43 replies

FaithLoveandGrace · 03/12/2014 21:13

I'm feeling really down this evening and finding it hard to cope. I've had mental health issues for years and tonight is just a bad night it seems. I find myself so conflicted with the religious side of things. I believe in a God of love, a God who loves us dearly more than we can possibly imagine, even more than the depth of love we feel for our own children. That's quite overwhelming for me and I feel like by self harming I'm letting God down. I feel like even though God apparently loves me, I'm throwing it back in his face by hurting myself.

I'm not sure I can articulate myself this evening, I'm just feeling so down :(

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Tuo · 08/12/2014 00:15

Praying for you, FLG. May God give you the words you need to explain your feelings and the trust to reach out to people and to accept the help that they can offer you.

I agree with Oma, above, when she says that we none of us deserve God's love. For me, one of the things that makes God God (as it were) is that, knowing that, he gives it anyway - unstintingly and unquestioningly, that love is always there. We may reject it (I did for a long time) or feel that we are 'not good enough', but whenever we turn back to God the love will still be there.

I thought of you today when we said: 'Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed'.

Try to remember that, when you feel like a failure for doing something that it would never occur to you to condemn in someone else, that's your depression talking. Try to trust others, if you can, to provide a more balanced view, and think about what advice you'd give your brother or me for my DD, rather than what you feel you should be telling yourself.

Original poster

FaithLoveandGrace · 08/12/2014 05:29

Thank you so much all! The side effects of the AD's are kicking in quite strongly now, it feels like I'm back to square one. I had started getting used to them but the break has put me back. I think I'll have to take them in the morning rather than at night as it's giving me insomnia which wasn't quite as bad when I took them in the mornings - I don't actually need to get up until 7 this morning but I can't fall back asleep. Part of me just wants to say stuff it, I'm better off without them, but I know that's not true. Despite the (temporary) sickness and insomnia, at least the urges to self harm lessen with each day I take them.

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Original poster

FaithLoveandGrace · 08/12/2014 09:21

Something's come up so we can't meet today. Can I be really cheeky and ask for your prayers again please. I don't know what exactly the issue is but God does so may we just pray that God provides what is needed for my friend and his family please.

May you lovely ladies (and any men present) have a blessed day.

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Dutchoma · 08/12/2014 09:36

Praying FLaG. Praying for you as well that you will find a way to be content and to cope with life as it comes your way today.

Tuo · 08/12/2014 23:35

I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you today, FLG, but I'm thinking of you and hoping that you'll keep taking the ADs - it's worth getting through the side-effects - and that you'll be able to talk to someone about how you're feeling soon.

Original poster

FaithLoveandGrace · 09/12/2014 09:32

Thank you both. Am just about to take my AD today so that'll be 6 days now (I think). I know it normally takes about a month to ease but hoping I don't feel really sick still over Christmas.

Yesterday was very much up and down. I spent some time with friends which was a good distraction. Some of them knew I was down but tbh it just helped chatting about normal things.

Hoping to see my friend to talk later this week.

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niminypiminy · 09/12/2014 11:00

Well done for keeping on with the ADs. And for spending some time with friends. Depression is so lonely, keeping connected to people is really good. Hope you will get to meet up with your friend.

Bless you.

newlark · 09/12/2014 14:33

praying for you FLG. Have you seen this blog emmascrivener.net/? - it has been a huge encouragement to many as they've struggled with different things and her book is very good too.

Original poster

FaithLoveandGrace · 09/12/2014 14:55

Thank you Niminy. Ironically I wrote this and then completely forgot to take it! I have taken it now at least.

Newlark, thank you. I'll check out the blog when I get a bit of free time this evening.

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cheapskatemum · 09/12/2014 16:53

Hi FLG love and prayers coming your way from this direction too. If the side effects of your ADs are putting you off taking them, have you investigated whether your GP will prescribe different ones? Apologies if you've tried all under the sun and are now on the "best fit"!

I can so identify with your point about knowing you have to change, but part of you feeling comfortable with your behaviour, because it's what you know. I try all different ways of beseeching God to give me the grace to change this feeling in me, as only then will I have the will to change the behaviour (not self harming, but similarly self-destructive). I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Cadenza1818 · 09/12/2014 22:17

Hi
Just randomly looking at mn and came across this. Felt I should post as a Christian who's been completely set free from self harm. I don't know where you are in your faith but I know you can be freed from this. God loves you and doesn't want you to hurt yourself. The enemy came to 'seek and destroy'. The only advice I have is that every time the temptation to harm comes pray like billy oh, cry out to your father in heaven to help you overcome those feelings. Jess is lord. Repeat! It was 10years ago that I stopped. I've had about 2 times since then when Ive been tempted but it was so obviously a spiritual attack I was able to laugh it off. I hope you find freedom.
God bless
Ps I'm not.saying ad are not.good btw!

Original poster

FaithLoveandGrace · 11/12/2014 09:34

Thanks cheapskate and Cadenza. I've tried various different ADs - fluoxetine, citalopram and now sertraline. I think out of the three, sertraline are the best. It's only the first month or so I get really ill / can't sleep. I'm hoping it won't last as long this time as I only stopped taking it for a week rather than completely starting from scratch.

Cadenza I'm so glad to hear you've managed to be free for 10 years. Can I ask if there was anything in particular that helped you stop at that point rather than before?

I think I'm going to meet my friend later. Problem is I've no idea what to say and tbh I just want to avoid talking about things even though I know I'll probably regret it if I don't talk to him about things :(

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niminypiminy · 11/12/2014 09:41

Praying that the Holy Spirit will give you words to speak today. Just saying 'I'm not feeling so good' is often enough. Sometimes all you need is to start. And praying that your friend will be able to listen and be beside you.

Cadenza1818 · 12/12/2014 16:30

Hi
Of course don't mind you asking. I started self harming about age 14. I became a Christian at 23. I had patches where I was fine. There was a bad patch when I was 21. I thought I was fine after becoming a Christian. Then about a year in I lived alone for the first time ever and had a really bad patch of attacks. It was prob at that point that I really started dealing with it. Aside from med have you got a mentor type person I church? Someone you can be totally open with. My husband at the time was having deliverance from several addictions and both of us experienced amazing freedom. God is awesome and even though it might seem impossible now, keep praying.and I will too!
X

Original poster

FaithLoveandGrace · 16/12/2014 08:15

Thank you cadenza, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I sort of have someone I can be open with. The chaplain is great but then I always feel like I'm bothering him, especially when it's not particularly faith based issues. Is it even okay to bother chaplains / vicars with these sorts of problems? I never really know what's okay and what's not.

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Dutchoma · 16/12/2014 10:12

Some vicars/chaplains/ministers will be more 'ok' with you sharing this sort of problems than others. You can't know until you try and you should not feel bad if you notice a certain awkwardness when you begin to share something like this. If you do it in a way that is fairly non-committal you won't be too bruised and hurt if pastoral care is not their strongest talent. Others will really feel that it is their ministry to accompany people on their journey through life pastorally and I think you will realise what is what as soon as you begin to share any of your difficulties. No minister should be offended or upset by you making an approach, pastoral care is in the job description.

Alicesmum1 · 17/12/2014 09:30

Hi I really feel for you, but you mustn't feel you've let God down, Psalms 103 is wonderful and let us know that God understands that we are imperfect and doesn't hold it against us.

I also looked up an article I though might help.
download.jw.org/files/media_magazines/19/wp_E_20110601.pdf

I hope that it's not long before your tablets make you feel a bit more like yourself again, don't despair, many many of us have to take medication when we're down. You are certainly not alone.

cheapskatemum · 17/12/2014 22:29

Hi FLG, a seemingly random conversation yesterday led to a friend lending me the book "The Bondage Breaker" by Neil T. Anderson. I felt compelled to read it straight away and by page 55 there was the testimony of a woman who had been delivered from her compulsion to self harm. Of course, now I don't feel that it was a "random" conversation at all and I recommend you read the book.

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