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Original poster

hideous hymns, vocal vicars and theatrical thuribles. Religious Chat Thread Number 6!

999 replies

nickelbabe · 17/02/2013 19:24

Welcome to the Religion Chat thread.
We're mostly Christians, but all are welcome.
a lovely soace to talk about church life, spiritual journeys and stuff in general.
It's not about debate, it's about chat.
Come oldies and newbies!

this is the previous thread

OP posts:
Dutchoma · 01/04/2013 11:00

Curryeater Didn't want your post to go unanswered, but there is so much in it that needs answering. Even if you have to give up choir for a few weeks, don't give it up for good to please your partner.
It sounds to me as if he is difficult to please, whatever you do and it would be incredibly sad if you give up the one thing that you really enjoy and that is GOOD for you (singing releases all sorts of hormones that are good for you) to try and pacify someone who only thinks of his own pleasures.
How old are the children?
I need to go and make some bread now and then I am expecting a visit from dd, so may not be able to get back on here.
Just be assured that God loves you, whoever else doesn't.

curryeater · 01/04/2013 11:17

Thanks Dutchoma. He didn't ask me to leave choir, actually he says he doesn't want me to.
I feel like he is so resentful of me often these days but he says he isn't. I don't quite believe him but I could be wrong. There is often, imo, an atmosphere. I might be imagining it, or not. he gets so tired with a hectic week where he takes the brunt of childcare because of my commute. (The thing is I don't even work enough! I should be there longer, I am permanently stressed about stuff I haven't done) I feel like he is resenting me for his stress and exhaustion but because he is not admitting to this we can't discuss it and I can't put my side across. But perhaps he is not admitting to it because it isn't even true?! I feel so tense at home all the time these days. he can be so quiet and withdrawn and I feel as if everything I say is pathetic and stupid.

curryeater · 01/04/2013 11:18

sorry forgot to say the children are nearly 2 and nearly 4. they go to a cm locally and dp works locally

SESthebrave · 01/04/2013 11:28

Curryeater - DO is certainly right about singing helping to release happy hormones. It seems a shame that your DH can't be happy for you to have something you enjoy doing and are good at. I pray that God wil guide you and improve the overall situation.

DO - hope visit from DD goes well.

cloutiedumpling · 01/04/2013 12:40

Curry - some of what you have said rings a chord with me. It is difficult when you have young kids. I have 3. DH and I both work and it is hard to juggle everything and sometimes we do get a bit snappy. I think it is important for you each to have something that you like doing so that you each have a bit of downtime. Is there anything that your partner likes to do that he could do once you are home in the evenings, but not on your choir night? If he also had something to do he might not resent you having your time off too IYSWIM.

UniqueAndAmazing · 01/04/2013 13:12

curryeater I go out to choir every week.as does dh. we also take dd with us,both to rehearsal and church services.
is there any way youcan take them with yiu? in my old choir, one of the ladies was a single mum of 2 boys and brought them with her. every week. there was also a creche in services, but in choir pactice, they would either sit with us or play with toys at the altar.

UniqueAndAmazing · 01/04/2013 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dutchoma · 01/04/2013 13:33

DD is too poorly to come today Sad

UniqueAndAmazing · 01/04/2013 13:48

curry, please talk to your choirmaster about letting your dcs come with you to practice. my friend's dcs were about the same ages. your dp could then go out the same evening without worrying about them.
also, please take the dcs with you to services, even when you're in the choir. there are always people in my church willjng to take dd for me when i'm singing

Dutchoma · 01/04/2013 14:39

Just one more thing Curryeater: don't fall into the trap of thinking that it is right that 'a mother's place is in the wrong'.
You will feel 'guilty' whatever you do, so you might as well do something that benefits you and your small choir.

cloutiedumpling · 01/04/2013 15:56

I gave up hobbies when the kids came along and now I regret it. I can pick things up again but wish I didn't have to. Don't make the same mistake as me!

curryeater · 02/04/2013 09:34

Hi all
Feeling a lot better today. thanks for letting me talk it all through here.
DP is a very good father, has taken time off work to be SAHD for 9 months after my last mat leave ended and has now taken a local job in order to be there for the girls in the mornings and evenings. He is not trying to get out of parenting in any way and we are all very lucky to have him.

The issue is that my commute basically traps him in the house. I think we need to solve that rather than me give up choir. We just need to find a way to get some cover between say 6.30 and 7.30 on a regular basis so that he can do something for himself - because by the time I get home it is too late for him to get anywhere (play football, be in a reading / writing group - these are things he would like to do and because he can't go out he basically has no local friends, we have lived here over a year and he needs to meet some people). So we need to talk this through and work something out. It really feels like we have no slack at all - in time or money - but we can't carry on like this. It must be possible to find a tame teenager or someone who could give us an hour a week in return for a modicum of cash / fags / booze / drugs / whatever teenagers like.*

I can't take the girls with me to church when there is choir because we are robed and process. If there is sunday school I could conceivably get someone to take dd1 after sunday school but no one has offered and I feel stupid asking. dd2 is a menace and a non-starter, at nearly 2 she is a mischeivous little climber and I would not inflict her on anyone, but I don't mind leaving her at home so much because is dd1 who really gets something out of it.

*joke

curryeater · 02/04/2013 09:40

Anyway to tenuously relate that last ramble back to Christianity, maybe I could find such a teenager at church? ;)

Sorry to be so me, me, me

I hope you are enjoying a beautiful Eastertide and have the pretty sunshine that we have here.

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 02/04/2013 09:49

It is worth asking at church if someone can help out with looking after your DD. All our babysitters when my boys were young were girls from the youth group and some of the mums/grannies helped out when we were stumped for cover.

Church communities are families, bonkers and dynsfunctional at times but still pulling together but they need to know that there is a need they can help with.

Lovely and sunny here as well. Today is my official day off and the first day I've felt well for ages as a cold during one of the main Christian festivals is no fun. I may actually get out into my garden to see what is going on out there. As this is the first spring we have been here I've no idea what is going to be growing.

MaryBS · 02/04/2013 11:07

Whereabouts in the country do you live, curryeater?

Am in desperate need of inspiration. I need to write my Churchwarden's annual report, can't think of a single thing to say. The other CW is saying all the usual stuff. Any ideas? Anyone got one they've prepared earlier? Please?

UniqueAndAmazing · 02/04/2013 11:14

you've got to ask at church for help with them.
even if it's asking the sunday school leaders to keep them afterwards.

but we also wear robes and process. (DD has taken to walking up the church in front of us)
one option is to put them into the choir stalls with busy bags before you start the service, then join them.
the 4-yo is old enough to know how to sit quietly, but the 2yo is harder.

does dh not want to go to church?

curryeater · 02/04/2013 11:28

ok, uniqueandamazing. I think I might be inhibited by the sneering faces the choirmaster always makes when the children come in from sunday school. He doesn't like them. dd1 is very good and if it wasn't for that I could easily imagine stashing her in the choir stalls after sunday school. I'll work on it.

Mary BS, we are in Herts.
What sort of things go in a churchwarden's report? can you just be nice about everyone who has done anything ever? who reads them?

UniqueAndAmazing · 02/04/2013 12:52

we had a sneery choirmaster too (he didn't dislike children, he just disliked noise!).

but the problem with not liking children is not the choir problem, it's the choirmaster. a sure fire way to stop the next generation coming to church :(

SESthebrave · 02/04/2013 13:39

Curryeater - that all sounds more positive. I also go to church with two DC and DH stays home. It is a struggle but DS (3.10yrs) is old enough for children's liturgy now and there is a girl who will look after 9mo DD for me whilst I take him the first few weeks to help him settle. Not sure that helps your specific situation other than, yes, there will be others in the congregation who will help out. The girl that helps me has occasionally done baby sitting for us too.

Mary - sorry, no good at CW reports. Maybe think about if you we're a member of the congregation reading it, what would make you think it a good report, worth reading.

Hello everyone else. We're now with ILs in Ireland. DS and DD being thoroughly entertained by the relatives, hence I have time for MN!

cloutiedumpling · 02/04/2013 19:38

Curryeater - is there anyone at the church who has older kids who may be happy to look after boisterous young kids? Just thinking that someone who has been through it may have the confidence and ability to help.

Dutchoma · 02/04/2013 19:40

Tame teenager is a great idea, but also think about a surrogate granny. Someone who is suffering from a bit of an empty nest syndrome and would quite like to look after your two littlies for an hour.

madhairday · 09/04/2013 17:13

Hello all - this has gone a bit quiet, everyone busy in the holidays? We're enjoying a holiday from home this week - we were going to stay with my DBro and his family but they all have D&V :( So we're doing some family time here and catching up with friends which is nice. How is everyone?

UniqueAndAmazing · 09/04/2013 17:17

ooh, it has been quiet!
it dropped off my TIO.

And I had all sorts of things to say this week, too.
Sorry to hear your DB's family is all ill and you had to change your plans :(

DH had to play at St Mary's on Sunday evening, not communion service, but it was nice.
I was talking to NVW after the service and some random woman came up and started chatting to her over me and so I went off for a bit (and nearly didn't have the courage to go back, but luckily we were all last to leave so we got chatting again.) Mid-sentence too, I was. Hmm

madhairday · 09/04/2013 17:31

oooh how rude! Hmm

Sounds like NV and NVW are being really good for the place though so far :)

UniqueAndAmazing · 09/04/2013 17:42

I know! Shock

yes, they really are. NV did the same sermon as in the morning, and I whispered to NVW (we were the only ones sitting on the front row - I'm a keeno girly swot) "is it the same sermon!?" Grin
Then as soon as I said that, he started choking on himself (he said he'd cut the grass and it was tickling him) - I called out "you didn't do that this morning!"
anyway, you know how I said before that he does a good sermon? well, I have to say, it was even good enough to sit through twice. Grin
I heard the morning's one, and sometimes my mind wanders, and the evening one might have been slightly different, but I still enjoyed it - meant I was able to concentrate on the bits I'd missed in the morning.