More problems with toddler's questions about death

[FrannyandZooey]

I posted before about ds (2.11) asking a lot about death after our neighbour died. We have tried to be honest and tell him yes, Mummy and Daddy will die one day, and so will he, it is part of nature etc. etc. Also stumbled across a fab book about the death of a pet, "Goodbye Mousie" which is very good on the emotions and rituals surrounding a death.

However in 'Goodbye Mousie' it shows them burying the mouse, which had not come up before. Today ds said "I hope they didn't put XX (neighbour) into the ground." I explained that we do this with bodies when the person no longer needs them. Later on he said "When I'm older and I die I'll be happy because I'll be with you again." I asked him where he thought we would be, and he said "In the ground."

This bothers me because 1) I have obviously not explained very well about being buried, and don't want him to worry about going under the ground, and

2. I am not sure if I actually believe we will be together again, and don't want to feed him a story (tempting though it is) about us living happily ever after in heaven. I used to believe in reincarnation or a sort of life force that lasts after death, but now am concluding we do probably just die and that's it.

I didn't really need to have this soul-searching about my beliefs at the moment right now to be honest, but children do have a habit of making you actually think about awkward things, don't they?

Any thoughts / suggestions? I am out of my depth here.

According to Toddler Taming man, children can't understand the finality of death is until they are 6.

My ds2 seemed to "get it" aged 3. he said "grandad's in heaven. And when you're in heaven, you can't get out!"

At the age of about 18 months ds 2 pointed to a dead bird on the lawn, looked me in the eyes and said "Gone, gone". He repeated it until I responded and I just said "Yes, gone". That is our one and only discussion on death.

So, yes , they can understand death even at that age.

it may be a case of what is easier rather than what you believe if that makes sense it is takingth easy option I know but

Yes I do know exactly what you mean gothicmama. I do want to believe in the soul and some sort of afterlife and to pass that comfort on to him but as I say am lacking conviction about it at the moment. Ds seems to have a fairly sensitive bullshit detector and I feel I need to be watertight about anything I tell him to ensure it sounds plausible and reassuring.

there is a book about nymphs and dragon flys which is good I can't rember the name of it but basically the nymphs all live underwater and every now and then one disappears to be a draginfly but it can't get back to tell the other nymphs that this is were they go on to

\link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0829816240/qid=1142627651/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_3_1/026-0734460-5237227\here it is}

Ah thank you; I do appreciate everyone's help with this.

I would be the same, F&Z, and when this situation came up, I was just as factual as I could be. I used the funeral as a way of tidying up a body that doesn't work anymore, while at the same time offering a place that people who loved the dead person could go to to think about him. With regards to heaven/afterlife, I said that some people believe that you go to heaven when you die, and that it's a lovely place, but nobody is sure whether it actually exists. Lots of emphasis on bodies that don't work anymore, as opposed to our bodies, that are healthy, so he didn't think that we're about to die as well. We've had a neighbour dying of old age and a cousin dying at 4.5 months . When I was pregnant with DS3, DS1 once said that he was excited but also sad about the baby, because it might die... Even though he was only 3 at the time, he remembered the death of his cousin 2 years earlier. So yes, they do (try to) understand at this age.

2 years later I mean

My niece and one of our family cats died about 18mths ago (I know not the same magnitude, but bear with me). My two were about 4 and 5, so a bit older, but it is interesting to follow their thought patterns. I did the whole some people believe this, and some people believe that thing (I am an aethiest, but my family are quite religious, and my sister is a vicar). My daughter (the younger one) got very upset at the idea that dn's face was going to be buried (I think she might have correlated her face to a sort of spirit idea) but then was more sad that she missed the burial, and hasn't really spoken about it since. When our cat died on the other hand she was very sad, and still tells me, a year later how sad she is about it. ds on the other hand is more bothered about the idea that we may die before him, and I do still have to reassure him that he will be OK if this happens. I think that you should just go with what you are comfortable with, and I don't think that there is a big problem in saying that you are not sure about some things. He will get influences from other places and make his own mind up about what happens (for example my dd insists that there is a Father Christmas even thought I have told her that he is only a story). If it is a bit odd that doesn't really matter at this stage. He's got plenty of time to find out more. Oh, and I'm not sure I'd worry about things being gruesome - lots of little kids find that quite appealing!

Try having a look at www.winstonswish.org.uk
its for helping children deal with bereavement, it gives some great advice on how to explain death and how to word it. Hope it helps.